He's Perfect for Me... But I Can't Have Him

[Moon]

The thing is with LDRS is that if they are going to work out. One of you has to be willing to close the distance. If that isn't going to happen then it won't work. At least in this scenario you can take something which was, it was a beautiful connection. I'm sorry I don't have much to add but didn't want to read and run. This is what my initial thought was on your post and I hope you can take something from this.

I also disagree with this, I've been LD for about 6 years, with no end in sight, and we most definitely work. Don't believe every LD "rule" you read, every relationship is as different as the people involved.

[Redheart14]

I also disagree with this, I've been LD for about 6 years, with no end in sight, and we most definitely work. Don't believe every LD "rule" you read, every relationship is as different as the people involved.

Very nicely put

[p_b82]

Interesting thought. Do you think this is symptomatic of long-distance relationships in general or more because she was not emotionally ready to embark on a real, in-your-face, super-serious relationship? The idea of you moving could have made it so very real for her, and that could have scared her. I don't know your situation, but maybe she will come to her senses... Is she young?

In this case she got scared, the pace things went was too fast, and circumstances ripped us apart - and she fell out of love with me.

In terms of putting it back together - not possible, she has got herself a new man already, and 2 months later I have had to create some distance from her - we had known each other for 3.5 years online before trying to take it to the next step, and were very very close friends.

As per something in general, I would not like to comment or assume, every single relationship is unique and specific, and the 'I should be doing X in my relationship' attitude is a dangerous one imo. Don't base your friendships or relationships on what works for other people, base it on what works for you and the other party(s) involved.
It is something I feel more strongly about since I made that mistake myself; I have found actually a lot of cases on here when people are asking for advice it is often because of that sort of perspective that they are allowing themselves to become unhappy.

[Ella85]

I also disagree with this, I've been LD for about 6 years, with no end in sight, and we most definitely work. Don't believe every LD "rule" you read, every relationship is as different as the people involved.

I know it can work for some people. But in my experience it hasn't. Everyone is different. I was married before and had a kid and we tried the long distance but in the end it fell apart and we were married for 8 years but there were other non distance related issues there. So I can only speak from my own experiences. Of course it can work if there is enough commitment and cooperation from both of you.

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

In this case she got scared, the pace things went was too fast, and circumstances ripped us apart - and she fell out of love with me.

In terms of putting it back together - not possible, she has got herself a new man already, and 2 months later I have had to create some distance from her - we had known each other for 3.5 years online before trying to take it to the next step, and were very very close friends.

As per something in general, I would not like to comment or assume, every single relationship is unique and specific, and the 'I should be doing X in my relationship' attitude is a dangerous one imo. Don't base your friendships or relationships on what works for other people, base it on what works for you and the other party(s) involved.
It is something I feel more strongly about since I made that mistake myself; I have found actually a lot of cases on here when people are asking for advice it is often because of that sort of perspective that they are allowing themselves to become unhappy.

It is difficult for me to relate to this or comment on this (ironic, since that's the very thing you're advising against), since I do not know the situation, but it makes me wonder. On the one hand, one would assume that if she was on the same page, it would not have mattered. But on the other, I understand full well that pushing someone too much can make things fall apart. It pains me that you not only lost your lover, but your best friend. The guy I dated last year was my best friend; we talked for hours every day about everything. It was a very difficult adjustment when he ended things, but I know it was because he knew he couldn't ultimately made me happy; he wasn't what I truly wanted. When we broke up, I accepted that we were not a match and I had to move on. What I asked him for was two months of silence. We AGREED not to speak so I could get over missing him (30 days was not enough). In the end, that was what I needed. Moving on is difficult, but it shows a lot of self love to give yourself that time to heal. I can't imagine how much you must miss her, but I wish you strength, growth, love and openness for the future. That's what I'm trying to allow myself right now.

[p_b82]

It is difficult for me to relate to this or comment on this (ironic, since that's the very thing you're advising against), since I do not know the situation, but it makes me wonder. On the one hand, one would assume that if she was on the same page, it would not have mattered. But on the other, I understand full well that pushing someone too much can make things fall apart. It pains me that you not only lost your lover, but your best friend. The guy I dated last year was my best friend; we talked for hours every day about everything. It was a very difficult adjustment when he ended things, but I know it was because he knew he couldn't ultimately made me happy; he wasn't what I truly wanted. When we broke up, I accepted that we were not a match and I had to move on. What I asked him for was two months of silence. We AGREED not to speak so I could get over missing him (30 days was not enough). In the end, that was what I needed. Moving on is difficult, but it shows a lot of self love to give yourself that time to heal. I can't imagine how much you must miss her, but I wish you strength, growth, love and openness for the future. That's what I'm trying to allow myself right now.

Without going into specifics - there were a number of factors; death of her father, my own father's serious ill health, mental issues on her side, and mine; as well as just good old fashioned incompatibility - with and extra side of 'poor' communication as we spoke very different love languages. In this case we both failed each other - the how of it gets a bit more messy and complicated - but if you dig around, I have mentioned most of it here and there.

I had tried to remain there as a friend, and expected a certain amount of 'something' back from her to help me heal, even if it wasn't actually anything in particular she needed to do for me, other than just being my friend and making time for me (my primary love language). for the past two months she has done neither, and so rather than allow this lack of support to continually breed resentment and sourness, I am doing what we should have agreed to do in the first place - and am taking time out. I've removed her from FB and G+, and given her until the weekend to take copies of photo's from my dropbox she wants to keep.
Ironically, it is the instant she realises that she might be losing me forever, and this is not a 'melodramatic reaction' is the time she reaches out in the way that I actually needed her to before. I have told her I'll reply, but it will be 'soon' as I am not sure what I actually want to say, or even have to say anymore.

losing a friend is actually harder for me than the lover aspect, by a huge margin - I don't make many friends and those I do make I hold very close to me, but she broke that fundemental aspect to me, and was not honest (from my perspective) in how we broke up. I do not know whether I can trust her again, even though I have forgiven her the hurt caused by dumping me.

Thanks for your thoughts, they are appreciated