Lost and confused

[RyanB88]

Hello, this is my first post here so I'll try my best not to go on a rant and keep this structured but this is all emotions right now...this may end up being long too.

So I've been in a LDR for over a year now and at the start we were both very happy. I live in England and she lives in California so there is an 8 hour time difference with me being ahead. We met in "Second Life" and started out as best friends. She was in a relationship at the time as was I, yet both ended around the same time and we ended up helping one another through it, then we realized how we felt about one another and have been together since. Anyway, she is haunted by her past a lot (Her father abused her when she was young) and because of it she was only interested in women but she seems to have made an exception for me. There is a deep connection between us and a number of private but emotional events that happened in our past which I don't feel too comfortable sharing in public right now, but trust me there is a bond and it is strong.

Anyway like I said, things started out great as we both expressed how we felt about each other. Hell even before we were an item she would text me every day to see if I was ok, this of course continued into the relationship. We spoke about anything and everything, laughed, cried and just were generally emotional a lot. We played video games together, skyped every day and loved each others voices. This lasted for a couple of months and then things started getting weird. She started telling me about nightmares she had been having (and is still having) which basically involved me doing to her what her father did in the past. Now she doesn't blame me at all and says that it's all in her head and something she's dealt with for years (not with my face obviously but similar things) and told me not to worry. However her behavior lately has me really worried, she seems to be very quiet when we Skype call and it's a 50/50 chance on if she'll be in a mood or not. Between Skype calls we usually text one another but she is starting to take a number of hours to get back to me, if she even does.

At the start of last month she was in and out of hospital with meningitis for two weeks, I was not informed initially. I kept sending her texts every couple of hours until eventually her friend picked up her phone and texted me back explaining some of what had happened. So for the next two weeks I was basically liaising with her friend finding out what was going on. This was the longest two weeks of my life because I couldn't be there for her and I sometimes had to go a day or two without any news. A few days into the second week her friend told me that she was getting better and was resting at home, she was sleeping almost all the time but woke up long enough to take her meds, get something to drink and ear then go back to bed. I never got any messages from her via the friend even though I passed a long a number of my own, telling her that I love her and hope she gets better soon, and part of me was frustrated that she couldn't spare two minutes to text me herself when she was awake...but I guess that's understandable why she didn't with all things considered.

I've attempted to talk with her about how she has been distant these past few months, but the majority of the time I get her past thrown back in my face as an excuse and she tells me not to make it about me. I go out of my way to respect her space, always finish our conversations with saying that I love her and meaning it each and every time. I've even spontaneously done romantic things for her such as sending her a personalized "I love you" card in the mail along with a cute little soft bear to keep her company. But it just seems like I'm the only person actually putting any effort into the relationship right now, the only time she usually talks to me is if I send her a message first and sometimes the reply could take hours. She doesn't work although she is looking for work, she does do chores around the house as well as go out for groceries of course...but that's about it. For example, these past couple of days she's been content with letting the friend she lives with use the computer to play GTA V whilst her, her sister and said friend get drunk off their ass which of course means I don't get to spend any time with her.

Friends of mine have told me that this could simply be the whole "honeymoon" effect being lost, others have said that perhaps she's struggling to decide how she feels about me now. All I know is that she tells me everything is ok that "we are ok" but her actions suggest otherwise. Am I being too high maintenance here? Should I ease up and let her figure this out on her own? I just feel like I'm totally lost here, being pulled in so many directions and the only thing I know for certain is that I love her.

[Redheart14]

Have you two met yet?

[p_b82]

I am not trying to put a downer on things, but your situation sounds very similar to how things went with my ex - and that is the bit that I feel I can give some input on.

Your GF obviously has a lot of mental issues as a result of her past, as did mine; and the cycle of behaviour and the response patterns were almost identical for me - the 'Aggressive' this is not about you type responses, and the fact that everything was 'good' when from my side it was obvious it wasn't.

I don't know you and your situation, but I spoke up about things, I realised that I was not happy, and this relationship in the form it was in was not doing me any good - it had become toxic and I spiralled into depression as it turned out - but the instant I spoke up and said how I was unhappy and how it was not working for me, she said the same. 3 weeks later she dumped me, 3 weeks after that she has met the man that 'she always wanted to fall in love with'

If you push her, you could spark a similar negative reaction; but if things do not change how happy are you with this situation?

I know this is exceptionally difficult while actually in the relationship, but try to take the love/rose tinted glasses off for a bit and really honestly ask yourself if you think her behaviour is acceptable to you, and if nothing changes will you be happy for things to remain how they are?
If the answer is no, then If I was in your shoes, I would have to get to the bottom of things.... That is what happened with me and my ex, I knew it would not end the way I wanted, but I knew I could not keep putting up with the feelings I had, as I was getting more and more miserable in the relationship.

[RyanB88]

Have you two met yet?

Not yet but we have discussed it a number of times.

[RyanB88]

I am not trying to put a downer on things, but your situation sounds very similar to how things went with my ex - and that is the bit that I feel I can give some input on.

Your GF obviously has a lot of mental issues as a result of her past, as did mine; and the cycle of behaviour and the response patterns were almost identical for me - the 'Aggressive' this is not about you type responses, and the fact that everything was 'good' when from my side it was obvious it wasn't.

I don't know you and your situation, but I spoke up about things, I realised that I was not happy, and this relationship in the form it was in was not doing me any good - it had become toxic and I spiralled into depression as it turned out - but the instant I spoke up and said how I was unhappy and how it was not working for me, she said the same. 3 weeks later she dumped me, 3 weeks after that she has met the man that 'she always wanted to fall in love with'

If you push her, you could spark a similar negative reaction; but if things do not change how happy are you with this situation?

I know this is exceptionally difficult while actually in the relationship, but try to take the love/rose tinted glasses off for a bit and really honestly ask yourself if you think her behaviour is acceptable to you, and if nothing changes will you be happy for things to remain how they are?
If the answer is no, then If I was in your shoes, I would have to get to the bottom of things.... That is what happened with me and my ex, I knew it would not end the way I wanted, but I knew I could not keep putting up with the feelings I had, as I was getting more and more miserable in the relationship.

I appreciate your advice and I'm sorry that happened to you, but I've also considered that the problem could be on my end as well. I'm currently trying to find employment and its proving to be rather hard. My life isn't as active as it used to be so I find myself with a lot of free time and using it by waiting on her a lot which obviously isn't healthy for either of us. I do love her, no doubt about it there and over the year we've been together we have had maybe a handful of arguments if that. The main issue I think is her getting past these nightmares or at the very least learning to block them out and realize that I would never do anything like that to her, I've told her that I wouldn't too and she tells me that she knows.

[p_b82]

Fair play to taking some responsibility for things - there are always two parties in a relationship, and two sides to any one given story. I did a similar thing with my ex and put the expectations on the relationship at a level she could not meet - but could not talk to me about them either frustratingly, while not out of work, my own issues were forcing things in a direction neither of us wanted... but it matter not the 'whys' when things are not as they should be tbh. I was hugely in love with my ex, and still felt that way until about 2weeks ago - and our relationship ended 2 months before that.....

You can take some pressure off things by altering your behaviour granted, but does that actually make you happy?

some advice I was given by those close to me as the breakup was looming, was "never make excuses for some-one else's behaviour" you can accept why some-one does something sure, but never excuse it, especially when it makes you feel negative emotions.

If she can't let you know why the sudden change in her behaviour towards you, and it does not revert to a level it was before - do you want to remain in this position; whether you love her or not? As I learnt to my cost, 'love doesn't conquer all" at times, as on it's own it is not enough.

[Unconditional]

Has she sought therapy for her traumatic past? It sounds- now I am no doctor but- like PTSD. The nightmares/hallucinations are a huge sign of post traumatic stress disorder.
That being said, she cannot just hide behind her past, I know it's hard however she will ruin this relationship if she continues to not only put no effort into this relationship but when confronted hide behind the past and yet seek- I'm assuming here- no therapy or counseling for it.

Perhaps, you should take a couple days and stop sending the texts. See if she notices enough to text you, to let her know she is thinking of you.
That is all my advice and my opinion though.

[RyanB88]

Has she sought therapy for her traumatic past? It sounds- now I am no doctor but- like PTSD. The nightmares/hallucinations are a huge sign of post traumatic stress disorder.
That being said, she cannot just hide behind her past, I know it's hard however she will ruin this relationship if she continues to not only put no effort into this relationship but when confronted hide behind the past and yet seek- I'm assuming here- no therapy or counseling for it.

Perhaps, you should take a couple days and stop sending the texts. See if she notices enough to text you, to let her know she is thinking of you.
That is all my advice and my opinion though.

She visited a counselor with this before she and I got together, apparently all the guy managed to do was figure out what everybody else already knew, that it was her father who had caused this. She hasn't really gone since despite me recommending it and advising to see someone else, get a second opinion basically. Her friend who was in the army has mentioned to me a couple of times that he thinks it could be PTSD, as he's both seen and experienced it himself.

Regarding the no sending messages for a couple of days things, this is something I have considered doing a number of times however each time I consider it I feel really, really bad about it. It's not the kind of person I am to intentionally ignore someone even if it may improve things in the long run, I guess you could label that as a character flaw or lack of willpower. I will admit she did surprise me earlier, not long after I created this thread she appeared and we spoke for a couple of hours this just happened out of the blue with no texting from me before hand.

[Unconditional]

She visited a counselor with this before she and I got together, apparently all the guy managed to do was figure out what everybody else already knew, that it was her father who had caused this. She hasn't really gone since despite me recommending it and advising to see someone else, get a second opinion basically. Her friend who was in the army has mentioned to me a couple of times that he thinks it could be PTSD, as he's both seen and experienced it himself.

Regarding the no sending messages for a couple of days things, this is something I have considered doing a number of times however each time I consider it I feel really, really bad about it. It's not the kind of person I am to intentionally ignore someone even if it may improve things in the long run, I guess you could label that as a character flaw or lack of willpower. I will admit she did surprise me earlier, not long after I created this thread she appeared and we spoke for a couple of hours this just happened out of the blue with no texting from me before hand.

I still stick by my earlier advice. She needs counseling, whether she wants it or not. If it is PTSD- which is very likely- she cannot deal with this all by herself.

[RyanB88]

Fair play to taking some responsibility for things - there are always two parties in a relationship, and two sides to any one given story. I did a similar thing with my ex and put the expectations on the relationship at a level she could not meet - but could not talk to me about them either frustratingly, while not out of work, my own issues were forcing things in a direction neither of us wanted... but it matter not the 'whys' when things are not as they should be tbh. I was hugely in love with my ex, and still felt that way until about 2weeks ago - and our relationship ended 2 months before that.....

You can take some pressure off things by altering your behaviour granted, but does that actually make you happy?

some advice I was given by those close to me as the breakup was looming, was "never make excuses for some-one else's behaviour" you can accept why some-one does something sure, but never excuse it, especially when it makes you feel negative emotions.

If she can't let you know why the sudden change in her behaviour towards you, and it does not revert to a level it was before - do you want to remain in this position; whether you love her or not? As I learnt to my cost, 'love doesn't conquer all" at times, as on it's own it is not enough.

My problem is I'm too kind hearted, this has been pointed out to me time and time again. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt so when it comes to someone I care for a great deal I go even further. I understand what you're saying and part of me agrees with you, this is essentially being between a rock and a hard place, either deal with it or try to fix it and end up making it worse. As I mentioned in my previous message just now, she did appear and talk with me for a couple of hours earlier today and things seemed a lot better. I suppose this is just going to be one of those "take it one day at a time" things and see what happens.

She has mentioned joining the IDF (Israeli defense force) before, twice in fact. Whilst I respect her decisions for wanting to do something like that I did put my foot down and asked how she would feel if I said I was going to join the army all of a sudden, she didn't know what to say to that and it made her think on it. I expressed that after two weeks with her in and out of hospital I almost went crazy, I couldn't imagine her doing a four year tour of duty over there without me ending up in an asylum.

[RyanB88]

I still stick by my earlier advice. She needs counseling, whether she wants it or not. If it is PTSD- which is very likely- she cannot deal with this all by herself.

I agree, I've been trying to speak with her friend about this to see if we can come up with a way to get her to go, short of drugging her, dumping her in the boot and driving her there. She needs to talk with someone or this is going to get worse.

[Unconditional]

I agree, I've been trying to speak with her friend about this to see if we can come up with a way to get her to go, short of drugging her, dumping her in the boot and driving her there. She needs to talk with someone or this is going to get worse.

Yes. she does. She needs to seek help. Otherwise it's not just your relationship at stake. Especially if she drinks as much as can be assumed from your posts- she could be using alcohol to self medicate

[Miasmata]

I second what Unconditional says. Finding a good therapist/counselor is hard, sadly, but incredibly important when you're dealing with serious mental problems. Her behaviour seems to be pretty selfdestructive already, and that is only going to hurt the both of you.

[RyanB88]

I'm going to try and keep bringing up her seeing a therapist when I can, though its a difficult subject to talk about and even bring up without things getting awkward. Personally I think that she knows she needs to see one but perhaps she is afraid, this would of course be a whole lot easier if I could offer to go with her...but I can't.

Also I'd like to thank everyone so far for helping me with this, its nice to be able to talk about this with people who understand. Usually if I even mention I'm in a LDR to anyone they don't understand or tell me that they never work out.

[whatruckus]

I'm going to be honest about the PTSD and her past, as it's something I deal with with my SO on a daily basis...do NOT use that as an excuse for her to treat you like crap, and do not let her use that as an excuse either. Yes, there are circumstances where the PTSD can show it's ugly head, but she still knows right from wrong and she still knows when she's treating someone like crap. My SO always knows, as do others that I've talked to with PTSD/read stories about. I make it an effort to call out my SO when he's starting to be an ass to me.

But, above all else, she needs to get help and she needs to stop drinking so much. It's really hard for people to admit that they even have a problem. It took my SO 2 years to finally admit to me that his PTSD was becoming a problem in his life, as well as in our relationship. He still hasn't gotten help, but for someone to admit something like that is huge. He knew he had PTSD, as I did, but deep down he didn't want to admit that he was not in control of it.

Has she told you that she may have PTSD (though it's completely obvious)? If she doesn't think she has a problem, she will seek help no matter what you do. In fact, if you push her too hard, she'll resent you.

Also, do yourself, and her, a favor and research, research, research.