If he cheated on you?

[Happy_Girl]

My SO and I talked about this and he confessed he cheated on his ex in past relationship . He saw the pain in her eyes and how much she hurt makes him swear will never do that to anyone anymore. He asked me what would i do if that happened to me. I actually dont know what i would do as i never experienced and dont wish to . Maybe i would appreciate if he confessed instead of hiding it and leave him or maybe i would do dumb things to save our relationship.

So, what would you do or what did you do (for those experienced this) if that happened to you?

[Miasmata]

I always believe people can improve and change if they genuinely want to. However, that genuine desire has to be there, otherwise there is no reason for it not to happen again. I think it's important to discuss the reasons why he cheated and what changed since then, especially with him personally. Doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is doomed to fail. Be honest with yourself - Do you think you can trust him? Do you believe he changed since he cheated? Has he proven that he's worthy of your trust or just made promises?

[Happy_Girl]

I believe if that happened before doesnt mean it will definitely happen again in the future. But i do agree about genuine desire.LOL. Yea i trust him and we once had a small argument on this because its LDR and i was scared that he might cheat on me but i was just overthinking hehe. Didn't come across this question until he asked actually so just wondering what others would do if that happened. Just curious.

[GunnerGirl95]

Due to seeing it happen to my Dad, I don't think I'd be able to carry on with a relationship if my SO cheated on me. I'd probably never feel that level of trust that I do with him now again. I've always seen it as - if they loved you that much then they wouldn't do it in the first place, but I understand people giving second chances and I do genuinely believe people can change and not cheat again, but for myself, I'd have the trust issues so would be paranoid about it all the time.

[Kapwned]

Relationships are about communication and trust, I've always been open for talking our issues out. And even though cheating is usually a result of a lack of resolution of issues in the relationship, 3 of my boyfriends still cheated on me. I've adopted a zero forgiveness policy. Cheating is selfish and childish. At my age I feel like the man I let in my life should not be thinking purely with what's down stairs and actually use his brain. If you're feeling the temptation or an attraction toward someone else you should probably question why and address or end the other relationship before pursuing it.

Cheating is sadly where my relationship insecurities lie and I still struggle with trust simply because I've been cheated on quite a few times. I used to forgive and rationalize but I was taken advantage of. Once upon a time I was convinced that there is no such thing as a faithful guy, he will always follow his pecker to green pastures, and I just needed to accept this blatant disrespect. No. I want 100% faithfulness and if I can do it, he can, we're not animals.

[Zephii]

Despite the fact that I'm far more likely to cheat than Obi, and that he knows if he wants to have extra-marital relations he has a good chance of me saying yes if he asks first...

If he did cheat, likely it would be emotional or an affair. Because if it was just for sex, he could ask me, and he would. So... that's hard. A long term affair or deep emotional connection with someone else is quite a threat to the relationship. We would have a lot of work to do to recover from that, and we might not be able to. Things might be too far gone. It's a case-by-case thing for me.

What I would do is ask a lot of questions. I would cry and say horrible things that are all the more horrible because I would mean every word of them. I would make him deeply regret betraying me. I would make him get full STI exams and we'd use condoms for as long as it would take for me to be 100% sure he hadn't caught a blood-borne virus. I might insist on couple's counselling. I would require proof that all contact was cut with this other person. I might require a conversation with this other person to ensure all of us were on the same page.

But at the end of it all, we'd work it out. If he still wanted our marriage and I had been happy before the news, then like everything else, we would find a way to grow from that mistake.

To me, cheating isn't the be-all-and-end-all of deal breakers. The physical act of being intimate with another person isn't the part that upsets me. What would hurt is that he didn't think he could talk to me about it. That he hadn't come to me and opened up before it escalated to that point. But I see cheating as a symptom, not the problem in itself. We'd talk about it.

[R&R]

My SO and I had a lot of talks about his past (he was hardly a good man on many levels) and yes, cheating in his previous relationships was not out of the ordinary for him. He pretty much lived his entire life doing whatever he pleased and his attitude was "if you don't like it, leave". He had a very rude awakening about 15 years ago and has since done a 180 on everything in his life.

Do I believe him when he says he won't cheat? Yes, I do. Would I leave him if he cheated? You're damn right I would.

There is no excuse for cheating. If you don't want to be with someone, end it and then move on. I know some people say that it's not that easy - what if you are married or have kids. I was married with 2 young children and knew my heart was not in the marriage and met someone who I had an interest in. I moved out and started divorce proceedings before this other relationship was pursued. There is a right way to do things.

[mikito]

I've had three previous girlfriends cheat on me. I forgave the first two. The first cheated on me again and I broke up with her, the second ended up leaving me for the guy she cheated with. The third one, I ended it then because I reached a point where I had zero tolerance for cheating and being messed around.

My current SO has been cheated on before and says she could never do it. If she lost interest in one person and was interstred in someone else, she'd break off the current relationship before pursuing the other one.

I got a little bit of insecurity recently when she mentioned being hit on by a guy who works in another store in the mall she works at. He walked into her store, handed her his phone and told her to put her number in his phone. She declined, telling him she had a boyfriend already, and he left saying he's be back in a couple of months to see if she still had one.

He recently turned up again and talked to her normally, but still made it clear he was interested in her, and said she should come to where he works sometime to talk to him. She tentatively said OK and told me about it, and how she wants to make some friends where she lives, seeing as she moved there recently and doesn't know anyone. I trust her but I'm wary of him. I think he'll see her coming to talk to him as mutual interest.

OK I went a bit rambling there. Sorry. I guess I had to get that off my mind.

[whatruckus]

Both my SO and I have been cheated on. He cheated on his first girlfriend when he was 14 (this I excused him for because they were young, in high school, and each other's first relationship and they lost their virginities to each other), but she also cheated on him multiple times. He hasn't done it since. He said they did it because they were stupid and didn't know what love was or what being in a relationship was like.

I've only been in one other serious relationship besides my SO, with my ex. He cheated on me a lot. Emotionally and physically (I have no idea if he had sex with any of those girls, but I wouldn't put it past him). He took advantage of my forgiveness every time. It made me lose my self confidence and I have big trust issues. It's taken A LOT for my SO to crumble those walls down. My SO's ex that he'd been on and off with for years (including right before he met me) cheated on him many, many times. And, he took her back so many times, only to have her do it again. He didn't trust me either when we first started dating. It took a lot for him to trust me as well.

My SO and I have had many, many talks about this subject. We've had talks about what we consider cheating, and I'm very strict compared to him. He knows that I consider kissing cheating, and he knows what I consider to be emotional cheating. He also knows if he ever cheated, I'm done. Gone. It's the same for him if I did it. Both of us a have zero tolerance policy.

I have very strong morals compared to a lot of people these days. I can't even look at another guy without feeling slightly guilty. I don't believe in "hooking up" with someone, and I don't believe in one night stands. I wouldn't even really hang out with another guy, even it was innocent. I don't believe in doing things that would ever make my SO question me. Maybe I'm hard on myself, but I know how it feels to be insecure, jealous, and worried...it's a really crappy feeling.

I've always felt that, if you're unhappy and you're thinking of someone else, just leave. Don't cheat. Just leave. I'd rather you leave and be honest than cheat on me.

Example:
Last summer my SO and I were going through a rough patch, and he felt as though he was losing interest in me and maybe wanted to see other girls. We talked about it and decided to go on a break. He said he didn't want to get to that point where he felt like he might cheat. He said he especially didn't want to be like my ex, who had no regard for my feelings. You know what happened? After about a week of us being on the "break", I ended up telling him I wasn't okay with him seeing other girls, if he was going to do it (it was speculation, he had no real intentions), and that if he wanted to see other girls that maybe we should break up, and he understood. He never even talked to anyone else. He just needed space because he was going through some things (I'm not going into detail because it's long, but you can find it in my blogs on here somewhere). It sucked hearing him say that he might want to see other girls, and that he was losing interest in me, but at least he was honest with me and didn't cheat, and we talked about it. The whole thing had nothing to do with him not wanting to be with me, and not loving me anymore. He didn't want to break up because I told him that if we broke up, I didn't think I could be friends with him and I didn't think I'd be able to talk to him anymore. Also, he said he still wanted to be with me, and he still really loved me, but since my ex, I didn't want to do that whole "break up, get back together, break up, get back together" thing. Since everything happened, we've been really great.

[sweetshay]

Everyone handles these things differently I guess. I'm certainly less forgiving that some others might be.

I think i'd be devastated because my SO in particular has gone above and beyond with doing things to make me feel like the only one. He cut off females that aren't good friends, stopped going on random chat sites, deleted snapchat, and even claimed that he probably won't care to make new friends that are women. I guess he wants to make me feel like I have nothing to worry about. It was his own choice to stop doing those things - didn't ask him to.. For instance, there was one time I questioned him about a comment some girl made he just said, "Fine I won't talk to her anymore because I don't want there to be an issue." So if after all of that effort I still got cheated on i'd probably take it pretty hard and leave him, or take a break for a while. But I also know that scars still remain after you've been cut deep so I will probably never truly get over it and thus ending the relationship would be best.

When I was cheated on the first time I was so filled with rage I couldn't even see straight. It was early in the relationship and I was more angry than sad. From that moment the relationship was never the same, I had also cheated on him later on and I wasn't as regretful because of what he did. However, I am still able to put myself in the shoes of someone being cheated on and because of that i'm mature enough to discuss things with my SO if I start to feel like i'm catching feelings for someone else.

The situation you described is actually very similar to mine except I was the one who told my SO that I had cheated on an ex. Although I pride myself in being honest, I feel that it made him more suspicious of me which kind of stinks. Personally I don't think I would've told him if I wanted him to trust me less lol, so maybe you may find comfort in the fact that he was willing to discuss this with you.

[snow]

I feel like he shouldn't have even asked what you would do if he cheated on you as if it's something that just happens, as if that's something you now have to look out for. It seems sketchy to me, is he asking what he has to face if it happens?

I honestly can't imagine what I'd do if he did cheat on me. I don't see myself leaving him, but I see myself hurting for a long, long time.

[whatruckus]

When I was cheated on the first time I was so filled with rage I couldn't even see straight. It was early in the relationship and I was more angry than sad. From that moment the relationship was never the same, I had also cheated on him later on and I wasn't as regretful because of what he did.

This stuck out to me because I was kind of the same. I didn't cheat on my ex, but I did talk to other guys after the first time. Just talking, not even flirting. I didn't even feel bad about it, even though I knew he didn't want me talking to other guys or hang out with them (he thought I was going to cheat on him, go figure.). To be honest, I actually started hating my ex after the first time, and I didn't care when I made him mad or upset.

[whatruckus]

I feel like he shouldn't have even asked what you would do if he cheated on you as if it's something that just happens, as if that's something you now have to look out for. It seems sketchy to me, is he asking what he has to face if it happens?

I honestly can't imagine what I'd do if he did cheat on me. I don't see myself leaving him, but I see myself hurting for a long, long time.

Now that you mention it, it does seem kind of odd to ask something like that. Our conversations about cheating just sort of came up. They were even part of our very first conversations when we started talking.

[Miasmata]

Personally, I'm in a similiar boat as Zephii. Between my SO and me, we agreed that casual sex is fine as long as we discuss it openly and honestly. We have plenty of friends of all genders, and none of them are a threat to our relationship - I'm picky with who I call a friend, and I think I'm pretty good at seeing who's genuine and trustworthy. Besides, it's not like affairs just happen for no good reason, and as long as our relationship is healthy, I don't see why a friend could threaten that. If my SO cheated on me, it would have be something romantic or a full-on affair. The part that would hurt the most is the lack of honesty and trust - I'd ask myself over and over why he didn't talk to me about his feelings, and why he'd let it escalate that far. He has a past of being dishonest out of fear, and I've made it very clear that honesty is incredibly important to me, so it's something we've made progress on together in our relationship. If he went back on that and betrayed his own progress and his promise to me, that would hurt a lot. Feelings and desires are one thing, but acting on them is another and not even fessing up to it even more so. I'm not sure if I could forgive him, but either way, there'd certainly be a lot of healing necessary for it to be mended. I'm a huge believer in second chances, but I also firmly say that there are limits to everything, even kindness.

[hmrambling]

Hard call. I've been on both sides. More-so on the cheating side than being cheated on. I have certainly changed for the better. I've examined my motivations, autopsied every relationship, and identified my character defects that contributed to cheating. I would *not* ask my partner what she would do if I cheated on her. :shakeshead: No way.

What I would do, though, is work on building an intimate (honest and open) partnership and relationship. Today, I talk about how I feel, what I want out of life, and what I want for us. There are so many things to talk about rather than shaming myself for my past, or to inquire of my partner what she would do if I exhibited unacceptable behavior.

I believe it IS important to establish ground rules. What are the deal breakers? If cheating is a deal breaker, then say so. Also, what do you consider cheating? Is an emotional affair cheating? Is sex outside of a committed relationship cheating? These are all good things to establish early on.

For me to go into the details of my wrongs of the past could be a set up for sabotage. On the other hand, if she ever asked point blank, I would tell her. Yes, I certainly would. I would also share that I have worked on all of those root causes and that I continue to grow as a person. I would also share that I do not want to ever repeat the past, and that I hope to have a healthy relationship with her so that I can share anything. No, none of that changes the past. Sometimes it's what the person does from this point forward. It would not be acceptable for me to tell my partner that I cheated in the past and then follow up with a question about how she would deal with it if it happened to her.