If he cheated on you?

[Miasmata]

Establishing ground rules is very important, hmrambling hit that nail on the head. Actions mean different things to people - To me, sex is casual and fun, and can be part of a deep romantic connection, but doesn't need to be. For others, it's very much the opposite, and they want their sex to be exclusive and intimate. Any stance on the matter is fine, and none is inherently superior. What matters is that everyone in the relationship discussed and agrees on these things honestly, because otherwise, you are bound to run into issues sooner or later. Nobody should have the excuse that they were unaware or didn't know it wasn't okay - If you don't know if it's okay, don't do it, ask instead. You might find out your partner is on board or isn't, but you won't know before you ask. I really do think it's best to get these conversations out of the way earlier rather than later to make sure you're on the same page.

[whatruckus]

Establishing ground rules is very important, hmrambling hit that nail on the head. Actions mean different things to people - To me, sex is casual and fun, and can be part of a deep romantic connection, but doesn't need to be. For others, it's very much the opposite, and they want their sex to be exclusive and intimate. Any stance on the matter is fine, and none is inherently superior. What matters is that everyone in the relationship discussed and agrees on these things honestly, because otherwise, you are bound to run into issues sooner or later. Nobody should have the excuse that they were unaware or didn't know it wasn't okay - If you don't know if it's okay, don't do it, ask instead. You might find out your partner is on board or isn't, but you won't know before you ask. I really do think it's best to get these conversations out of the way earlier rather than later to make sure you're on the same page.

Yep! Like, I'm one of those that thinks sex is cheating, but that's me and because I get extremely jealous. Everyone is into different things, but what matters is that you two are on the same page in your own relationship.

[snow]

I am not saying that you shouldn't ask about cheating! It's obviously important to know where the line is for everyone involved so you don't accidentally cross it, but to ask what someone would do if you cheated on them, at least to me, feels like you are planning on doing it and looking if it's worth it or not, as in "oh, she would not leave me, okay, I guess I might try it".

[TheSteelAngel]

My SO and I had a long talk about this before we started dating. I told him how my first boyfriend cheated on me throughout our whole relationship and lied about it. He told me that he could never do that to me. He would never want to hurt me in any way, and I told him that if he ever betrayed me or abused me in any way that I'd be done. I think that kinda scared him a bit lol, but he told me that once he's fallen in love with someone he's completely loyal to them and won't cheat. He's the kind of man who believes in honesty and that if he ever felt the urge to cheat on someone he'd end the relationship. There would be no point in being in a relationship with that person anymore if he felt the urge to cheat.

Because of this talk we had all of my doubts of wanting to be in a relationship with him have disappeared completely. I told him actually that all men should be like him lol. He's not the jealous type nor is he controlling. He confessed to me that ever since he started talking with me on Skype he hasn't talked to anyone on there but me. Now I didn't ask him to do that, he just did it on his own. It made me feel guilty because I still do talk to other guys on there, but not as often as I used to and he was fine with it. He told me that I can talk with whomever I want and that I'm allowed to call other guys cute (but only if I still think of my SO as the cutest guy that I'm talking to which he is lol), because I am an adult woman and I have the right to live my life. I think that Skype has this function where you could see how many contacts the other person has, but I'm not sure. If someone could let me know I would appreciate it haha.

So to sum up this long post haha, we both trust in each other a whole lot. We both believe in honesty and we are comfortable with telling each other anything. He trusts my decisions and I trust his. The only issue we would both have is lying. We both have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to lying and I believe that cheating stems from lying or is a form of it. So we both agreed to be completely honest with each other and we have been.

[JaneEmily]

My SO and I had a long talk about this before we started dating. I told him how my first boyfriend cheated on me throughout our whole relationship and lied about it. He told me that he could never do that to me. He would never want to hurt me in any way, and I told him that if he ever betrayed me or abused me in any way that I'd be done. I think that kinda scared him a bit lol, but he told me that once he's fallen in love with someone he's completely loyal to them and won't cheat. He's the kind of man who believes in honesty and that if he ever felt the urge to cheat on someone he'd end the relationship. There would be no point in being in a relationship with that person anymore if he felt the urge to cheat.

Because of this talk we had all of my doubts of wanting to be in a relationship with him have disappeared completely. I told him actually that all men should be like him lol. He's not the jealous type nor is he controlling. He confessed to me that ever since he started talking with me on Skype he hasn't talked to anyone on there but me. Now I didn't ask him to do that, he just did it on his own. It made me feel guilty because I still do talk to other guys on there, but not as often as I used to and he was fine with it. He told me that I can talk with whomever I want and that I'm allowed to call other guys cute (but only if I still think of my SO as the cutest guy that I'm talking to which he is lol), because I am an adult woman and I have the right to live my life. I think that Skype has this function where you could see how many contacts the other person has, but I'm not sure. If someone could let me know I would appreciate it haha.

So to sum up this long post haha, we both trust in each other a whole lot. We both believe in honesty and we are comfortable with telling each other anything. He trusts my decisions and I trust his. The only issue we would both have is lying. We both have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to lying and I believe that cheating stems from lying or is a form of it. So we both agreed to be completely honest with each other and we have been.

@ the skype contact thing, if you right click on a person's name and go to view profile it tells you there. But I would advise against people actually using it as it can make people paranoid when they're like "why is their contact count rising?! who are they adding?" especially if a person is easily insecure.

[TheSteelAngel]

@ the skype contact thing, if you right click on a person's name and go to view profile it tells you there. But I would advise against people actually using it as it can make people paranoid when they're like "why is their contact count rising?! who are they adding?" especially if a person is easily insecure.

Yeah I thought so. I only wondered because I noticed it while I was adding someone one day and it showed up there. I never noticed it before so I clicked on my SO's profile and he has nothing there. So whether or not I'm the only person he talks to on there doesn't really bother me to much, and he's never really on Skype much to begin with. He only goes on there if I ask him too because I get tired of texting lol.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

A little late to the game here, but I'd like to add my say. Personally, I think cheating is inexcusable. If you cheated on me, then clearly you didn't love me enough to give me the respect and love that I deserve within our relationship. If I wasn't in the back of your mind the whole time, then I must not mean enough to you to be there. If I was there, then that is disgusting to still go through with cheating. It's pretty black and white in my mind, although I know it gets hairy depending upon the parameters of individual relationships. We set ground rules, know what is expected of each other, and trust each other to stick to them. Trust is such a huge part in long distance relationships that I feel like cheating would absolutely destroy anything we had. If you're constantly worried the other will cheat, it's pretty hard to be okay when they're just living their life. With that being said, I have never thought about cheating on my boyfriend nor have I ever asked him what would happen if I did.

[farandaway]

My ex cheated on me but he really suffered and was so guilty afterwards that I forgave him. He had been talking to this girl for a long time and spent time with her because he was out of town working at the moment. I didn't think there was anything more to it. We were doing really bad at the moment and could not fix it. So afterwards we talked and we talked and I was able to trust him again. But unfortunately the hostility returned and our marriage could not be saved. Then I met my current SO online and eventually met him when I was not quite divorced yet. I should not have done it that way but can't undo it. I know the pain and I would not do it to anyone any more. My SO has only cheated his soon to be ex with me, not ever before. I trust him when he says that. He knows it's the same for me. Right now we are apart for long stretches but we don't have any trust issues like that. We have maybe other issues but I know he would not cheat on me. He does not have sex with someone he doesn't know. We both think there should be love involved.

[Malaga]

For some people cheating is a bad character thing - they'll cheat just because they can, they don't need to have a special reason behind it. For some it's because of a specific situation in life. Some just get drunk and stop thinking. Some do it and regret it, some only regret it if they get caught. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me if my SO cheated in his previous relationship if it didn't seem like it was in his character and he regretted it. If he cheated on me, that'd be a different story. I do think cheaters can change their ways, but they have to experience loss and learn the lesson. I cheated before (not in this relationship) which I deeply regret. I then experienced permanent loss as a consequence and it was one hell of a lesson. As a result I would never consider anything like that again.

[80anthea]

We've had the discussion on what we consider cheating, for us looking and flirting is okay but anything sexual would be considered cheating. I'd probably be okay with a meaningless drunken kiss if he told me about it. We've both said that if we had problems in our relationship and were even considering taking action with someone else we'd rather be honest with each other. This is all very idealistic though and who is to say that would actually happen. If he did do something we considered cheating and didn't tell me, I would find it very hard to deal with due to the betrayal of trust more than anything.

[Kapwned]

Shortened for space.

I think you and I are pretty much the same in that regard. For me thankfully attraction works differently and I need a strong emotional bond before I can become physically attracted to a guy so cheating to me has never been even an issue. For awhile I was convinced that I just need to accept that cheating is going to happen in all relationships and that my need for faithfulness is asking too much of my SO. But of course the person who convinced me this was a woman who was hella thirsty for my boyfriend at the time and she was trying to open up a window of opportunity to get him in bed without consequences. I just can't wrap my mind around that. Sex is not worth breaking the heart of a loved one.

I understand that for some people this is different but I've decided that I need a guy who has the same level of self control, or even see's attraction the same way. And I think my current SO is like that. He's even said he doesn't even really have a type physically because he doesn't factor looks when it comes to who he's interested in. He's never been cheated on, but he did date a girl who was polyamorous (or well, she wanted to be), and he tried to be open minded and accepting of it while she sought out a secondary relationship but after awhile he realized he couldn't do it. So hopefully he got a little taste of how that kind of stuff feels for a monogamous person.

[Happy_Girl]

he said he thinks i have the right to know and im actually happy that he open up his heart to me telling me more about what he doesnt tell anyone else which i mentioned in another post that he has some issues by himself. I think hes just trying to talk about it... the boundaries etc. we talked about something similar and he knows i would leave so i think he knows what should and shouldnt do

[whatruckus]

he said he thinks i have the right to know and im actually happy that he open up his heart to me telling me more about what he doesnt tell anyone else which i mentioned in another post that he has some issues by himself. I think hes just trying to talk about it... the boundaries etc. we talked about something similar and he knows i would leave so i think he knows what should and shouldnt do

That's good! Like we all said, boundaries are very important and don't bend on something like this if you feel strongly about it.

[Dwessie]

I used to think the second it happened the relationship is over. For the most part I still stand firm on that.
Though my old therapist's husband accidentally got feelings for a coworker and told her and ON HIS OWN decided to cut contact and stop going on lunch dates, and then he bought her (my therapist) a nice ring and took her out more.

I guess if they really wanna try to get the trust back then sure, let them try, but if they're just gonna be a jerk about it, dump them.

I would definitely make it HARD AS HELL to get my trust and attention back though. Holy hell.

[Petals]

I've always said cheating is a deal breaker and I have not known of cheating in my previous relationships. However, I am prepared to be married to my husband for the long haul so if it happens I think I would try everything possible to move beyond it; that of course would depend on how much he is willing to work on our marriage.

I wouldn't even consider forgiving cheating if I were not married.