If he cheated on you?

[Unicorn26]

I have been on both sides. I've been cheated on many times and I cheated on my ex husband. We had only been married a year but I was so utterly miserable. We had been long distance as he had to move with his job. I joined him after my studies had finished but I knew no one and I was very lonely. He had been living in the new area for a couple of years and had made networks and friendships but he did not include me in those and felt I should make my own friends. I did make lots of new friends and one of them was a guy at work who was a few years younger than me. We had a ton in common and had great fun together, he took me to watch football matches and we had great fun hanging out with friends from work. But things did progress and we ended up in love with each other. It wasn't something I meant to do, it just happened and I couldn't stop it. I felt terrible and so did he. We eventually broke it off and I persuaded my ex that we needed to move back to where we came from. I maintain though, that had things been ok in my marriage I never would have strayed.

Now I would NEVER NEVER even think about cheating. I love my SO to death and even though I get terribly sexually frustrated, I just could not do that to him. The thought of hurting him or losing him is too much, I could never do that to him.

I think it's odd that your SO is asking this question. It's like he wants permission or something. I think you need to talk more about this and explain your concerns to him. But please, just because he's cheated in the past, doesn't mean he will again. I learned a really big lesson from my mistake. I am ashamed of what I did and I would never do it again.

[SailorRei]

My bf cheated before on his past girlfriends, and I had an affair with a guy in the relationship. There is no way I would cheat on my bf now, and I believe and trust him to do the same. But if he would cheat now, I might be able to forgive it, but that would be definitely an end to our relationship. It's LDR, I would get paranoid all the time and wondering if he'll do it again. And my paranoia would break us apart anyway, I would never trust him again being on distance.

Maybe in close distance I would stay, but with LDR being faithful is simply A MUST.

[whatruckus]

I've always said cheating is a deal breaker and I have not known of cheating in my previous relationships. However, I am prepared to be married to my husband for the long haul so if it happens I think I would try everything possible to move beyond it; that of course would depend on how much he is willing to work on our marriage.

I wouldn't even consider forgiving cheating if I were not married.

This I'm iffy about for myself. I would probably think about giving it another shot if we were married, because well...it's marriage. I have strong morals about marriage too. Ha. I'm so old-fashioned. I believe in working through problems, rather than what a lot of people do nowadays, which is spring for a divorce.

Our friends are actually going through this right now. They just got married last year and they've been together for a very long time. He cheated and slept with another girl. Honestly, I don't know why he did it. They're trying to work it out, and I really hope they can. She doesn't live at their house, and hasn't been for like 2 months. He seriously regrets it and is doing everything he can to fix it. He knows he messed up. They still talk and see each other often, and they both still wear their rings, but she's definitely making him work for it. She was devastated when she found out. Every time I see them, they argue about something, but they're always talking it out when they do and being mature about it. I think that's just from the stress of the whole situation.

I know some people can work through and forgive the other person and move on. But, I think for me, if I gave in and took him back, he'd really have to work for it and show me every day, and prove to me, that he regrets it and will never do it again. That was the issue with my ex. He never made me feel like he regretted the things he did, just that he got caught. And, he never showed me he would never do it again. He still kept flirting with other girls, giving his number out, going out all the time...etc. Getting mad at me when I would ask him where he was. Plus, we were semi LDR. He lived 35 - 40 miles away and it took 40 minutes to get to his house. So, like aleksaaw said about the paranoia, it's really not fun. I was in the position. It sucked wondering where he was, who he was with, what he was doing 24/7. I literally never trusted him and anything he said, which contributed to him cheating more and us fighting...blah blah blah.

It's hard though. I know that I said before my SO and I would be done if one of us cheated, but I think when you're actually in the situation it's different. Like I said before, if I decided to give him another chance, he'd really have to make me feel secure. And probably vice versa. But, I'm pretty positive it would never happen with me and my SO because of our morals.

[differentcountries]

In my past relationship, I was the one who cheated. We were both responsible for creating an intolerable situation in the relationship, but then again there was a lot about psycology neither of us knew. My ex and I are friends now. She says that, although me cheating on her is a bad memory, the more longstanding lesson she took from our failed marriage was that she feels unable to pursue a relationship that lasts beyond a few years, because she is easily bored and falls out of love. I take her words for it, because she has been more or less single since we broke up, but I don't think this is the usual lesson people take from being cheated on! But she is a fair woman, and she is wise enough to not include more people into her commitmenint phobia. For me, while I don't exactly regret cheating on her, because for me it was a way to break free, it is certainly not something I am proud of or wish to reapeat. I have used the time since to try to understand what happened and to fill my toolbox with other tools. I have gotten way more confrontational and less ready to accept form when my hunch says something is wrong.

For me, I don't really fear my boys cheating on me. It is not exactly that SO is not allowed sex with others, it is just I know he would not feel the need unless he fell out of love with me. So while him having sex with others in itself is not that upsetting, in practice it is because of what it would signify. With my husband, he can sleep with others but only after explictly agreeing it with me (in practice he had sex with one woman twice the last couple of years. She was meant to maybe become his gf but opted out).

If I cheated on my boys I would seriously feel so failed as a human being, like I had learned nothing the past 12 years. By cheating, I mean kissing and fucking. I (and my boys) surround ourselves with a lot of people, also one on one, both though work (both my men have work that by nature makes them the target of sexual offers, and I meet new people on work a lot) and in our social life. The only restricting I do is I don't dance close with anyone but the ones I date. We don't ever have breaks, we sweat and work things out.

I am not sure if I would tell my SO that I once cheated on my ex. I am not sure it would mean that much to him either way. He generally adopts a "not with me, doesn't matter"-attitude to anything I tell about my past (he was only relieved I did not really sleep with my sort-of-poly-ex because he really wanted to be my first real relationship outside my marriage. Apart from that I don't think he would care of I used to live in the jungle, be a pirate or fuck doplhins), or present. It is hard to discuss relationships with him because he has very little points of referance since I am the first person he is in love with. So I am not sure what telling him that I did something stupid before he was even grown up is going to accomplish, even if I believe in sharing.

[Petals]

This I'm iffy about for myself. I would probably think about giving it another shot if we were married, because well...it's marriage. I have strong morals about marriage too. Ha. I'm so old-fashioned. I believe in working through problems, rather than what a lot of people do nowadays, which is spring for a divorce.

Our friends are actually going through this right now. They just got married last year and they've been together for a very long time. He cheated and slept with another girl. Honestly, I don't know why he did it. They're trying to work it out, and I really hope they can. She doesn't live at their house, and hasn't been for like 2 months. He seriously regrets it and is doing everything he can to fix it. He knows he messed up. They still talk and see each other often, and they both still wear their rings, but she's definitely making him work for it. She was devastated when she found out. Every time I see them, they argue about something, but they're always talking it out when they do and being mature about it. I think that's just from the stress of the whole situation.

I know some people can work through and forgive the other person and move on. But, I think for me, if I gave in and took him back, he'd really have to work for it and show me every day, and prove to me, that he regrets it and will never do it again.

It's hard though. I know that I said before my SO and I would be done if one of us cheated, but I think when you're actually in the situation it's different. Like I said before, if I decided to give him another chance, he'd really have to make me feel secure. And probably vice versa. But, I'm pretty positive it would never happen with me and my SO because of our morals.

My thoughts exactly!

[candice]

Happened to me

My LDR boyfriend did not cheat on me thank God! And i have a complete trust on him that he will not.
But for my previous relationship, he fell in love for someone else and still continued to date with me until he was sure about the other girl, then he dumped me, it hurt so much really :/
If my sweet bf now did sth like that probably i wouldn't be able to sleep, wake up or do anything properly for a long time because it would hurt my heart really really much. But after a time passes and if he says he is extremely regretful and tries to win me back i may be thinking i think. But still these thoughts are not certain.

[hmrambling]

But for my previous relationship, he fell in love for someone else and still continued to date with me until he was sure about the other girl, then he dumped me, it hurt so much really :/

Did you guys have a conversation about exclusivity and what cheating means? Did you have ground rules around what cheating would be and what would be the consequence of cheating?

If you did not have a conversation about being exclusive, how is it cheating? Also, if he was dating someone else while he was dating you, how were you guys exclusive?

[snow]

Did you guys have a conversation about exclusivity and what cheating means? Did you have ground rules around what cheating would be and what would be the consequence of cheating?

If you did not have a conversation about being exclusive, how is it cheating? Also, if he was dating someone else while he was dating you, how were you guys exclusive?

Maybe they were exclusive, but he cheated on her and then started dating the other girl meanwhile to figure out if things were going to work out. People do this, it's not unheard of.