I just discovered this forum today and I'm so amazed it exists!
I can finally discuss my international long distance relationship without people telling me to break up cuz it's never gonna work.
-------------- if you don't wanna read this long thing, scroll down.
So... the problem is... when I go visit him, the majority of my time there is terrible.
Well before that, let me give you some basic details. I'm living in the U.S. and he's in South Korea. I'm 20 and he's 27.
I'm Korean-American btw so we don't have much language problems.
We met last summer when I went to Korea to visit a childhood friend that moved there.
I met my boyfriend there and we ended up dating. I was unsure whether the relationship would last but we ended up dating for over a year.
So, to make the relationship even work, he pays for the plane ticket 3-4 times a year.
Last year, I went there during spring break, at the start of summer break, and for a month after my summer quarter.
He comes during winter break for about a week. I stay for 2 weeks spring and early summer and stay for 1-2 months late summer.
When he comes during winter, we have a super tight schedule. We have endless fun the whole time.
But when I go... he's working. leaves at like 8am and gets home at 6. He's tired.
And I have nothing to do that whole time.
And we even thought this through before. We thought we'd get me a gym membership so I can work out there. Enroll in some cooking classes and other fun little classes at the community center.
And that'd be enough cuz we imagined I'd just wake up at around 10 am, slowly get up and ready. Go to those 1-2 hour classes. And other days, same thing, except I'd go work out at the gym.
And I'd go do some shopping once in a while. Then in a little bit, he'd get off work, we'd go on a date, have dinner. Perfect plan! NOT...
Well for one thing, he ended up going on a business trip to some other part in Korea. So we ended up staying at a motel.
And the thing is, he doesn't know how long it's gonna be.
At first we thought it's gonna be a week. But things happened at work so it became two weeks. We ended up staying THREE weeks in a tiny motel during the month I was there.
It was a small little town. There really wasn't much to do there.
We couldn't sign up for the gym membership cuz you can only get the 1 month membership and it'd be a waste of money since we thought we're only staying a week.
Even the next week, we thought we're staying three more days, ended up staying the whole week. Same with the third.
I had NOTHING to do. I'd literally get up at around 7, watch stuff, browse the internet, SLOOOOWLY get ready (shower, dry hair, make up), then go out and have dinner with him as a date.
After dinner, he says he's tired so we usually just go back to the motel.
And for the third week, he was getting ready to move companies so he spent the whole time working on like three essays. So basically, I'd spend the whole day getting ready to go out and have dinner with him, eat dinner, then we'd head to a cafe where he's working on the essay and not talking to me.
I know it's not his fault. I know he didn't know he was gonna have such a long business trip. I know he's super tired from working all day. I know he's trying really hard but at the same time doing what he just has to do.
But I feel like such a ... loser. Like I have NOTHING to do. And that month does not define my life but, at that time, I feel like my life has no meaning. Like what the hell am I doing here... in this tiny motel... doing nothing the whole day...
waiting for him... and then have dinner and that's it! FOR A MONTH.
It's not like we didn't know it was gonna be like that. That's why we planned stuff to do. But it was worse than I thought. Wasn't like how I imagined.
And we really love each other. We want to make this work. So I told him how I felt. And at first, he got mad at me, saying what the hell do you want me to do. I'm trying my best. I'm tired from work. I have a lot to do.
I honestly approached him earnestly but all he did was get mad.
I wanted to come up with a plan but all he did was blame.
We were right outside the motel when we fought and I just came inside.
He came in later. He said he was sorry and he'll try harder to spend more time with me.
I said no, that's not a realistic solution. Everything you said outside is right. You are trying your best and it's true that there's not much else you can do. Let's come up with a better plan so that I don't feel like this.
But he, I guess, just tried to apologize and comfort me and says no, no I'm sorry for getting angry. I'm sorry for everything and I'll just try to spend more time. I'll do better.
I just let it go. I just hoped on the inside that he's right.
Blahblahblah time passes and the three weeks were over.
and we went back to his house.
And oh boy did I wish I was at that tiny (but clean) motel again.
His house is a tiny, OLD studio apartment. He barely lives there. He just pretty much sleeps there.
He eats, showers, and works out at work.
He has no food in his fridge. His kitchen is disgusting. No pots and pans clean enough to cook anything (I don't mean dirty dishes. More like rust on the inside or something).
And he doesn't have a bed. Just a mattress, which is placed right between his desk and closet. There's literally no room for anything. It's REALLY small.
And his laundry machine barely washes the clothes. It just swooshes the clothes in dirty (literally gray) water for like 30 minutes. It has a clear plastic window so I can see.
Plus, they don't have dryers in Korea. They just hang it inside... and my clothes SMELLED BAD.
And he has like pizza boxes and trash rolling round everywhere and there's just literally trash EVERYWHERE!
But Korea's garbage collecting system is so strict, it's bothersome.
It's like plastic bottles, cardboard (pizza) boxes, paper, etc all in separate bins that are outside the apartments. So I can't just buy him a huge trash bin to put all his trash.
The week I spent at his house was even WORSE than the motel.
I didn't clean it up because I didn't want to be his maid.
Now, to get into that, I'd have to go back to summer of last year. Different apartment, same conditions.
He goes to work. I was at his house. It's Super FREAAAAKIN dirty and messy.
I thought I'd clean it all up. So I did. And I did a splendid job. I was proud of myself.
And then 2 days later, messy just like it was before I even cleaned it. I realized it can't stay clean mostly because 1) his apartment is so small it lacks certain things like a laundry basket to keep things clean and 2) Korea's trash system is so inconvenient there's no way to keep those things separate without them laying around the room but we're too lazy to go down all those flights of stairs at night just to throw out each and every trash, and you can't even put out trash during the weekends or something.
And kinda more importantly, I felt he's expecting me to clean his room. Before I went to visit him during spring break, we were talking and he said he was gonna clean his room before I come.
An hour later, I asked what he was doing and he said oh, I got distracted by something and I didn't clean my room at all! hahaha
Yeah. That can happen. But 6 hours later, says the SAME THING. Says he didn't clean at all. He just got distracted. And he was gonna go on a business trip the next day and won't be back until I arrive.
He said, oh well, you can clean it for me while you're at home the whole day.
I said WTF, why would I clean your room. You better clean it right now.
Of course, he didn't.
I didn't want him getting the idea that I'd be in charge of the housework when we get married, so I decided I'd never clean his room ever again.
During the last week I was staying, I asked him to clean the house.
He once again told me to do it since I'm staying home all day and I'm the one that has the problem with it.
I said why should I clean YOUR house and the mess YOU made.
He ended up saying okay, I'll clean it, but it was more like he's just saying what I want to hear so I'll just shut up.
But then he ended up getting really sick (no wonder. The air in that room is terrible).
So he slept all night after work. And I ended up cleaning his room before I left cuz I felt bad for him.
--------------------------- Long story short, when I go visit him, I have nothing to do and his room is an absolute pig sty.
I can finally discuss my international long distance relationship without people telling me to break up cuz it's never gonna work.
-------------- if you don't wanna read this long thing, scroll down.
So... the problem is... when I go visit him, the majority of my time there is terrible.
Well before that, let me give you some basic details. I'm living in the U.S. and he's in South Korea. I'm 20 and he's 27.
I'm Korean-American btw so we don't have much language problems.
We met last summer when I went to Korea to visit a childhood friend that moved there.
I met my boyfriend there and we ended up dating. I was unsure whether the relationship would last but we ended up dating for over a year.
So, to make the relationship even work, he pays for the plane ticket 3-4 times a year.
Last year, I went there during spring break, at the start of summer break, and for a month after my summer quarter.
He comes during winter break for about a week. I stay for 2 weeks spring and early summer and stay for 1-2 months late summer.
When he comes during winter, we have a super tight schedule. We have endless fun the whole time.
But when I go... he's working. leaves at like 8am and gets home at 6. He's tired.
And I have nothing to do that whole time.
And we even thought this through before. We thought we'd get me a gym membership so I can work out there. Enroll in some cooking classes and other fun little classes at the community center.
And that'd be enough cuz we imagined I'd just wake up at around 10 am, slowly get up and ready. Go to those 1-2 hour classes. And other days, same thing, except I'd go work out at the gym.
And I'd go do some shopping once in a while. Then in a little bit, he'd get off work, we'd go on a date, have dinner. Perfect plan! NOT...
Well for one thing, he ended up going on a business trip to some other part in Korea. So we ended up staying at a motel.
And the thing is, he doesn't know how long it's gonna be.
At first we thought it's gonna be a week. But things happened at work so it became two weeks. We ended up staying THREE weeks in a tiny motel during the month I was there.
It was a small little town. There really wasn't much to do there.
We couldn't sign up for the gym membership cuz you can only get the 1 month membership and it'd be a waste of money since we thought we're only staying a week.
Even the next week, we thought we're staying three more days, ended up staying the whole week. Same with the third.
I had NOTHING to do. I'd literally get up at around 7, watch stuff, browse the internet, SLOOOOWLY get ready (shower, dry hair, make up), then go out and have dinner with him as a date.
After dinner, he says he's tired so we usually just go back to the motel.
And for the third week, he was getting ready to move companies so he spent the whole time working on like three essays. So basically, I'd spend the whole day getting ready to go out and have dinner with him, eat dinner, then we'd head to a cafe where he's working on the essay and not talking to me.
I know it's not his fault. I know he didn't know he was gonna have such a long business trip. I know he's super tired from working all day. I know he's trying really hard but at the same time doing what he just has to do.
But I feel like such a ... loser. Like I have NOTHING to do. And that month does not define my life but, at that time, I feel like my life has no meaning. Like what the hell am I doing here... in this tiny motel... doing nothing the whole day...
waiting for him... and then have dinner and that's it! FOR A MONTH.
It's not like we didn't know it was gonna be like that. That's why we planned stuff to do. But it was worse than I thought. Wasn't like how I imagined.
And we really love each other. We want to make this work. So I told him how I felt. And at first, he got mad at me, saying what the hell do you want me to do. I'm trying my best. I'm tired from work. I have a lot to do.
I honestly approached him earnestly but all he did was get mad.
I wanted to come up with a plan but all he did was blame.
We were right outside the motel when we fought and I just came inside.
He came in later. He said he was sorry and he'll try harder to spend more time with me.
I said no, that's not a realistic solution. Everything you said outside is right. You are trying your best and it's true that there's not much else you can do. Let's come up with a better plan so that I don't feel like this.
But he, I guess, just tried to apologize and comfort me and says no, no I'm sorry for getting angry. I'm sorry for everything and I'll just try to spend more time. I'll do better.
I just let it go. I just hoped on the inside that he's right.
Blahblahblah time passes and the three weeks were over.
and we went back to his house.
And oh boy did I wish I was at that tiny (but clean) motel again.
His house is a tiny, OLD studio apartment. He barely lives there. He just pretty much sleeps there.
He eats, showers, and works out at work.
He has no food in his fridge. His kitchen is disgusting. No pots and pans clean enough to cook anything (I don't mean dirty dishes. More like rust on the inside or something).
And he doesn't have a bed. Just a mattress, which is placed right between his desk and closet. There's literally no room for anything. It's REALLY small.
And his laundry machine barely washes the clothes. It just swooshes the clothes in dirty (literally gray) water for like 30 minutes. It has a clear plastic window so I can see.
Plus, they don't have dryers in Korea. They just hang it inside... and my clothes SMELLED BAD.
And he has like pizza boxes and trash rolling round everywhere and there's just literally trash EVERYWHERE!
But Korea's garbage collecting system is so strict, it's bothersome.
It's like plastic bottles, cardboard (pizza) boxes, paper, etc all in separate bins that are outside the apartments. So I can't just buy him a huge trash bin to put all his trash.
The week I spent at his house was even WORSE than the motel.
I didn't clean it up because I didn't want to be his maid.
Now, to get into that, I'd have to go back to summer of last year. Different apartment, same conditions.
He goes to work. I was at his house. It's Super FREAAAAKIN dirty and messy.
I thought I'd clean it all up. So I did. And I did a splendid job. I was proud of myself.
And then 2 days later, messy just like it was before I even cleaned it. I realized it can't stay clean mostly because 1) his apartment is so small it lacks certain things like a laundry basket to keep things clean and 2) Korea's trash system is so inconvenient there's no way to keep those things separate without them laying around the room but we're too lazy to go down all those flights of stairs at night just to throw out each and every trash, and you can't even put out trash during the weekends or something.
And kinda more importantly, I felt he's expecting me to clean his room. Before I went to visit him during spring break, we were talking and he said he was gonna clean his room before I come.
An hour later, I asked what he was doing and he said oh, I got distracted by something and I didn't clean my room at all! hahaha
Yeah. That can happen. But 6 hours later, says the SAME THING. Says he didn't clean at all. He just got distracted. And he was gonna go on a business trip the next day and won't be back until I arrive.
He said, oh well, you can clean it for me while you're at home the whole day.
I said WTF, why would I clean your room. You better clean it right now.
Of course, he didn't.
I didn't want him getting the idea that I'd be in charge of the housework when we get married, so I decided I'd never clean his room ever again.
During the last week I was staying, I asked him to clean the house.
He once again told me to do it since I'm staying home all day and I'm the one that has the problem with it.
I said why should I clean YOUR house and the mess YOU made.
He ended up saying okay, I'll clean it, but it was more like he's just saying what I want to hear so I'll just shut up.
But then he ended up getting really sick (no wonder. The air in that room is terrible).
So he slept all night after work. And I ended up cleaning his room before I left cuz I felt bad for him.
--------------------------- Long story short, when I go visit him, I have nothing to do and his room is an absolute pig sty.
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