I need some help/other opinions :)

[GaryT]

Beware: Long Post - Sorry, I am just trying to be as detailed as possible so the advice is as helpful and beneficial for me as possible.

Hello

I am in a bit of a pickle and need some help, advice or opinions.

I met my significant other on the 7th of Feb. last year.
So here is my predicament, earlier on in the relationship, we were constantly talking, almost 14 hours a day on the messenger; Kik, we were constantly Skyping whenever we got the chance and even skyped each other while we drove to work or to Uni and between classes/while walking to classes, we even took pictures of what we did during the day that reminded us of each other.
This continued on for about 3 months straight, we had 3 Kik conversations because our messages were long, detailed and we never ran out of things to talk about.

Everything was great until about May, where she was caught by her parents talking to me, and so, she was no longer able to use Kik, but we were still Skyping fairly regularly, however we had to stick with emails alone.
We continued this pace until about June/July where she had to go abroad to Japan as part of her studies, we skyped there as well, but not as regularly because..well, she was busy (our skypings sessions had turned from 'interesting and decent, where we would talk for hours on end, about everything and anything' to 'me asking about her day and afterwards she would get distracted by stuff like FaceBook and news article, as I just sat there in silence and admired her').
Once she got back, we no longer Skyped, her exams where coming up and she was too busy, our emails went from a few emails a day to maybe twice a week. By this point, it was killing me, I missed her terribly, so I told her, and I just chalked it up to a busy schedule.
From the time she got back home from Japan, we Skyped only twice from then until now - once on Christmas because I asked it to be her gift to me because I was missing her too much (skyped for ~40 minutes) and wanted to see her, and another a few days after that because I was craving her (skyped for ~20 minutes).

At around January, with her classes having ended, she told me that she could use Kik again, because she lonely and wanted to talk to other people and so we were able to start talking again with Kik, however this was extremely scarce, because she was hiding the fact that she was talking to me from her parents, but she was still able to talk to other people completely normally. I figured this was better than nothing and so I didn't complain.
I had always been the one who picked the topic of conversation, been the one to ask her about her day, how she was doing etc. whereas, she has asked me those questions and started the conversation only a handful of times since we've met (which I don't mind, because I figured she still cared about how I was and such, but just didn't ask). So it was basically me messaging her multiple times during every day, expressing my love for her and how I missed her and waiting for her to reply (she'd sometimes read them and not respond, which I told her was fine because I knew she didn't always have the time and hiding the fact that she was talking to me from her parents didn't leave her much room to type out a response).

For the past few weeks now, her responses were short and the time we got to talk on Kik were about a hour or so and is mostly during when she was for her shift at work to start.

But, today, she told me that every time we talked, it felt like I was drilling her, because it was basically the same thing/questions over and over again and that it was getting boring; it was mostly I miss yous, how did you sleep, any dreams, when do you have to work, how was work, how was your day, etc.
Which was fair, because I do admit, that our conversations had gotten stale and have turned to just those questions and me occasionally helping her out with her depression/anxiety, but it was also due to mostly because I knew that she doesn't have much time to talk and I was curious about her day and how she was.

So, this worries me a bit because I don't know what to talk about with her any more.
I have basically resorted to small talk again, and..well..seeing as I have always been the one who started the conversation..it is hard.

I have thought about leaving it up to her to pick the topic, but knowing her, she would not start one.

There have been a few days where I have wondered why no longer skyped anymore or even as she drove to work, or if someone can really be busy to the point where they can't replied to a few short messages (sometimes it goes without a response for days), or if she's lost interest in me. It sometimes feels like I am making all the sacrifices.
Any who, that's just a small part of my rant, sorry, onto the questions;


- What can I do to improve our conversations/what topics can I bring up?
- How can I ask about her day, how she slept, if she had any dreams, how was work, and how she is doing without..well..asking it with those specific words?
- Any opinions or ideas on how to improve our relationship or tips that you could give me.
- Any opinions or ideas on what you personally might do if you were placed in my predicament (only able to talk at max an hour a day - occasionally going days without so much as a message).
- Any thoughts or opinions at all for that matter.
- Should I actually wait for her to pick the topic/take the floor (in other words; start the conversation)?
-..and..I don't really know what to do at this point really..I mean, I am the one who usually helps other people with their relationship issues, however, now, I find myself the one that needs help, and without a clue as to what to do. I have talked to her about this, but am just curious as to what you, the readers of my post, might think. I'm not even sure if these questions are what I am really after. I guess, I feel like it's one-sided, who knows, it might just be me and am wanting to confirm that it isn't just me and want someone else to confirm my thoughts about this being a one-sided relationship.

Thank you to those who actually read this entire thread, sorry once again that it is so long.

[Redheart14]

Hi and welcome.
There's heaps of great stuff on this forum I'd start with this https://lovingfromadistance.com/thin...uplestodo.html
And hit number 3 on that list 1000 questions to ask your partner. Communication is a 2 way street though. She should be asking you things too.

[4lom]

Hey there Gary, I had the same thing happening to my SO as well and I understand how you feel really. The sense of isolation and not knowing what you did wrong. Anyway, it turns out that she was undergoing a really stressful period during then and just wanted some space of her own. Still, the 2 weeks of so of isolation from her left me really hurt and confused.

I understand that January till now is a long period of time. What you might want to do is to be confrontational and ask her what is wrong with her? I'm not sure about you, but I can't commit to a relationship that is in such a toxic state. Communication is so important in an relationship and if she's not communicating or letting you know what's up with her life. I don't really see a point to be hanging on for her as well.

I wish you all the best and do let us know how it goes!

[GaryT]

Hi and welcome.
There's heaps of great stuff on this forum I'd start with this -
And hit number 3 on that list 1000 questions to ask your partner. Communication is a 2 way street though. She should be asking you things too.

Thanks for that redheart It's certainly helped a bit.

Hey there Gary, I had the same thing happening to my SO as well and I understand how you feel really. The sense of isolation and not knowing what you did wrong. Anyway, it turns out that she was undergoing a really stressful period during then and just wanted some space of her own. Still, the 2 weeks of so of isolation from her left me really hurt and confused.

I understand that January till now is a long period of time. What you might want to do is to be confrontational and ask her what is wrong with her? -

Thanks for your advice
I'm sorry to hear that you've been in the same situation as me.
I don't really mind the waiting, however, I will take your advice to heart.
Everyone is different I guess, but I know I can commit to a relationship like the one I am currently in ^^ (and..well..I guess she is so amazing to me that I would give up anything to be with her - I guess I keep hanging on because of that; to keep the chance of being with her alive, plus, something is better than nothing, right? xD)

But, I will definitely keep you (and everyone else) posted and up to date!

[C.C.]

It's just, something might be a problem and instead of enduring a relationship like that, you (both of you) may be able to improve it.
She might be going through something stressful like already said in this topic, or she might even have some doubts, no idea, I won't assume anything but
I think searching for better topics might not solve things all that much in a relationship, where you spent hours talking each other and didn't have trouble with that at all in the past. I mean, it might not solve the core problem and might not make things as comfortable for you both.

So my advice would be to maybe ask her if something is wrong or something is bothering and preventing her to commit in conversations and talking to you as much. It might just be her being busy, but sometimes there's more to it, you are the one who'll feel it the best.
And also,

(and..well..I guess she is so amazing to me that I would give up anything to be with her - I guess I keep hanging on because of that; to keep the chance of being with her alive, plus, something is better than nothing, right? xD)

Sacrificing and giving up things for your love is admirable, but
one sided relationship isn't.
and something isn't always better than nothing.
I am not specifically talking about you this time and I don't mean your situation is so right now, but in case it gets there in future, maybe you should consider this.
It's not healthy for either side to be in a relationship where nothing works anymore.
Well in your case, you have yet things to try or find out why she acts so in the first place, but as someone who has done that in the past, don't invest to relationship just because of loving someone (when the relationship itself fails to work) and don't consider that having something is better than nothing when it comes to relationship.
Because it needs communication, understanding and connection. Without that, things start draining and hurting both parties soon enough most of the time and it's hard to notice it too.
You need to find that connection again first.

[TheSteelAngel]

There have been a few days where I have wondered why no longer skyped anymore or even as she drove to work, or if someone can really be busy to the point where they can't replied to a few short messages (sometimes it goes without a response for days), or if she's lost interest in me.

This part worried me because I too went through the same thing. Nobody is ever that busy. If you don't get a response from your SO for a long period of time, the sad truth is that they just lost interest. I really don't think you should leave it up to her to initiate it because she would have already done so already. If you are looking for something that will help with your conversations Google 100 questions for couples. That usually seems to help. There are two ways this problem can end up 1.) Your conversations improve and both parties are happy or 2) You, her, or both of you will just get tired of trying and give up.

I'm sorry if I am being so cynical, but like I said I went through the same exact thing and it didn't end well for me. I wish my SO had tried nearly as much as you are. I truly wish for the best for both of you

[TheSteelAngel]

Sacrificing and giving up things for your love is admirable, but
one sided relationship isn't.
and something isn't always better than nothing.
I am not specifically talking about you this time and I don't mean your situation is so right now, but in case it gets there in future, maybe you should consider this.
It's not healthy for either side to be in a relationship where nothing works anymore.
Well in your case, you have yet things to try or find out why she acts so in the first place, but as someone who has done that in the past, don't invest to relationship just because of loving someone (when the relationship itself fails to work) and don't consider that having something is better than nothing when it comes to relationship.
Because it needs communication, understanding and connection. Without that, things start draining and hurting both parties soon enough most of the time and it's hard to notice it too.
You need to find that connection again first.

^^This times infinity and beyond. There is nothing worse than a one sided relationship and being in one that isn't going anywhere is very emotional damaging. Please do take care OP.

[GaryT]

It's just, something might be a problem and instead of enduring a relationship like that, you (both of you) may be able to improve it.
She might be going through something stressful like already said in this topic, or she might even have some doubts, no idea, I won't assume anything but
I think searching for better topics might not solve things all that much in a relationship, where you spent hours talking each other and didn't have trouble with that at all in the past. I mean, it might not solve the core problem and might not make things as comfortable for you both.

So my advice would be to maybe ask her if something is wrong or something is bothering and preventing her to commit in conversations and talking to you as much. It might just be her being busy, but sometimes there's more to it -.

I will definitely ask her if something is wrong/bothering/stopping her from committing to the conversation when I get the chance. However, stuff like updating me on her day, I've already asked her previously as to why she doesn't want to fill me in (I asked her this due to the fact that she often ignores/brushes aside questions like; 'how are you', 'how was your day', etc.), she say's it's too much of a hassle/too long to type (which seems weird-ish as our conversations were extremely long previously). While I am genuinely interested in her day and how she is doing, she also previously stated that she always wanted someone to ask her how she was doing and how her day was, so I've always assumed that it's something she wanted.
But yes, I will definitely ask her again and ask her if everything is ok/why she isn't as committed to our conversations (to me, it seems like it is mostly due to her being too busy - that's why I was wondering if it is possible to be busy to the point that you don't have time to send a message to a loved one).

I will take your advice to heart but I honestly don't mind sacrificing certain aspects (ie. sleep, time, etc.) of my life for her, nor the fact that it feels like it's one-sided.

This part worried me because I too went through the same thing. Nobody is ever that busy. If you don't get a response from your SO for a long period of time, the sad truth is that they just lost interest. I really don't think you should leave it up to her to initiate it because she would have already done so already. If you are looking for something that will help with your conversations Google 100 questions for couples. That usually seems to help. There are two ways this problem can end up 1.) Your conversations improve and both parties are happy or 2) You, her, or both of you will just get tired of trying and give up.

I'm sorry if I am being so cynical, but like I said I went through the same exact thing and it didn't end well for me. I wish my SO had tried nearly as much as you are. I truly wish for the best for both of you

You aren't being cynical at all Please feel free to express your full opinions as it helps me to see it from different pov. Be as harsh or kind to your content

I am extremely sorry that you've been what I have been through, it's never easy seeing someone else having gone through what I am going through.
But thank you for hinting that no one is ever busy. I have been told that she's lost interest in me, and have expressed that concern, which she has denied by saying that she is still extremely interested (although her actions tells another story), so I guess I will continue along this path until I completely feel like she is no longer interested (can I just add, there are random moments where she has expresses her love for me, and wow does that feel amazing. It honestly banishes all these thoughts and feelings and, makes everything I am going through worth it).

^^This times infinity and beyond. There is nothing worse than a one sided relationship and being in one that isn't going anywhere is very emotional damaging. Please do take care OP.

Haha, thank you for the well wishes ^^ I will do my best to look after myself, both physically and emotionally

[GaryT]

As promised, an update.

I asked her if she was still interested in me, as I have asked a few people for their advice, and they have told me that she is or was losing interest or has lost interest in me. This wasn't the first time I asked her, and so I was met with the same answer, in that she was still interested in me.

We also talked a bit more which I would like to keep private, however, I want to share that I honestly can't help but feel like she is just telling me what I want to hear to keep me happy. Albeit, I honestly have nothing to go by as it's just gut feeling atm. I am going to take her word that she still actually loves me.

We have arranged an opportunity to Skype with each other in March, so I am looking forward to that, as well as use this opportunity to try and improve/fix our relationship - as communication isn't our issue, but is more about how much time we get to spend with each other.

[C.C.]

We have arranged an opportunity to Skype with each other in March, so I am looking forward to that, as well as use this opportunity to try and improve/fix our relationship - as communication isn't our issue, but is more about how much time we get to spend with each other.

That's a good news :3 You will be able to understand her stance better too, face to face, rather than in text.

[Suziec1991]

So sorry that you are going through this bump in your LDR.

Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of LDR's. You will talk for hours on end at the beginning, never running out of things to talk about, and then as time goes on it doesn't stay like that anymore. This happened/happens to me and my boyfriend a lot. For me (and this is just how I feel) I don't like sitting down in front of a computer for hours on end. Now in a LDR, that's pretty much all we have except for Whatsapp. But for me it gets boring and I want to do other stuff like go hang out with friends or do what I like to do during the day. I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but after years of us Skyping, we do run out of things to talk about and we end up just staring at each other on the screen.

Instead of me and him just Skyping constantly we will watch movies together, play games, get some of his friends on Skype with us (We actually play an online version of Cards Against Humanity. So much fun!), and plan out our next visit when we see each other. With him and I working all the time, we don't get to Skype as much as we used to. Now a days it's mainly on the weekends, so when we do talk to each other, we have a whole weeks worth of things to talk about.

With your girl friend, she does seem pretty busy with her life, so it can be a little bit more difficult. I would say to give her a little more space and see if she comes around. I think with any LDR you should make time for your partner. If she doesn't start making time for you, then she probably needs to reevaluate how serious she is about your relationship.

That's just some of my thoughts on it. I hope everything works out though.

[GaryT]

So sorry that you are going through this bump in your LDR.

Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of LDR's. You will talk for hours on end at the beginning, never running out of things to talk about, and then as time goes on it doesn't stay like that anymore. This happened/happens to me and my boyfriend a lot. For me (and this is just how I feel) I don't like sitting down in front of a computer for hours on end. Now in a LDR, that's pretty much all we have except for Whatsapp. But for me it gets boring and I want to do other stuff like go hang out with friends or do what I like to do during the day. I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but after years of us Skyping, we do run out of things to talk about and we end up just staring at each other on the screen.

Instead of me and him just Skyping constantly we will watch movies together, play games, get some of his friends on Skype with us (We actually play an online version of Cards Against Humanity. So much fun!), and plan out our next visit when we see each other. With him and I working all the time, we don't get to Skype as much as we used to. Now a days it's mainly on the weekends, so when we do talk to each other, we have a whole weeks worth of things to talk about.

With your girl friend, she does seem pretty busy with her life, so it can be a little bit more difficult. I would say to give her a little more space and see if she comes around. I think with any LDR you should make time for your partner. If she doesn't start making time for you, then she probably needs to reevaluate how serious she is about your relationship.

That's just some of my thoughts on it. I hope everything works out though.

I'm sorry I forgot to reply to your advice, thank you, I never thought to take up other activities with her like watching movies together. But I am glad it worked out for you

Thanks for your well wishes I hope it works out as well.

-

On a side note;
I am starting to feel iffy. While I am giving her time/space, and letting her go about her life and accepting the fact that she is busy, it just gets hard to swallow a few times when you no longer hear from her for ~3 days - don't get me wrong, I still love her to bits and it grows everyday, but it is hard to fully commit or care about something when your partner can't find the time in 72 hours to send one message. However power on!! Hehe, she is definitely worth it. I am still looking forward to be able to Skype with her again after months.

We did discuss about our future visit in July - so that's exciting, but I'll be honest, the question of whether to actually visit or not still lingers on my mind a few times (albeit, is quickly pushed aside by thoughts of being able to finally meet her).

[GaryT]

It has been almost two weeks now, and not once did I let a day go past without saying 'I love you' and 'I miss you' - and yet, I have not received any 'I love you' or 'I miss you' in return. This question is directed more towards the females; is it possible to overlook such simple words and not return those words to your boyfriends/significant other?

Bare in mind, her personality sometime commands her to ignore/pass a few of my questions, and statements as she deems it 'obvious'/'asked too many times or said too many times'.

[R&R]

It has been almost two weeks now, and not once did I let a day go past without saying 'I love you' and 'I miss you' - and yet, I have not received any 'I love you' or 'I miss you' in return. This question is directed more towards the females; is it possible to overlook such simple words and not return those words to your boyfriends/significant other?

Bare in mind, her personality sometime commands her to ignore/pass a few of my questions, and statements as she deems it 'obvious'/'asked too many times or said too many times'.

Me personally, no. Sometimes if we are in a rush to hang up it may get missed but that's it. Other than that, if one of us says "I love you", the other responds. Not out of habit or duty, but because we DO love each other. Sometimes I'll tell him I miss him and he doesn't say it back then, but he probably says it at least one a week.

[Elizabeth123]

For me and my SO...that's not right. Yes, we are busy...work, etc...but even if very busy I always return an "I love you".
We both have talked and accept it may be a delayed response but a response will occur. He's important to me and I want him to know that.
I agree with R&R...it's not habit or duty.