Turning point in LDR

[differentcountries]

December 31st is a Saturday and January 1st a Sunday. The holiday in the US is taken on Monday - so a 3-day weekend.

I looked at November, my mistake. You are right. I will not change it to not make comments confusing.

OP: If it is not about taking time off, his resistance becomes a bit more confusing, but I think it is worth a chat to talk it over what is holding him back. It could be other things than what you think.

[Rezie]

Now that we have the same month I hope my point is a bit clearer😊

The upset that I have/had is because there is an appropriate time to meet and he thinks another time later on would make more sense. Especially after I expressed it would mean a lot to me.

If he brings it up i will talk with him. Im sure he comes from a good place thinking I would save money since we have a plan for another meeting. I just disagree with this chain of thought. Other than that I'll get over my upsetness and do my own thing with my own friends. 😊

[R&R]

Relationships can take quite a bit of agreeing to disagree and compromise. There are things my SO finds very important that I just don't agree and things I stress about that he just shakes his head at me in disbelief. We can respect each other's opinions but that doesn't mean we are always going to bend to what the other finds important or a priority. Even though we are a couple, we are also individuals and we realize that we are not always necessarily going to give the other person what they want. That doesn't mean we don't care or don't love each other but that, as adults, we are capable of saying no to something we may not agree with that the other party wants.

[Rezie]

R&R you are right. Thats why I'm venting here instead of complaining to him 😀

Eventhough there is a theoretical (maybe even practical) understanding others reasoning I still believe that people have a right to be upset. Feelings are hard to change. It is about how to manage them and how to show them 😊

[differentcountries]

It is good to vent, but he also needs to know that you are upset. Remember that telling him what upsets you is inviting him to understand you better. He might still disagree, but he also may know more where you come from. SO and I have to do a LOOOOT of compromise because our personalities and life experiences are simply very different when it comes to planning. Life hit him some times, with family members dying and not being that good at formal school, I on the other hand have gotten used to keeping all my loved ones and I always exelled at school. So, we are trying to teach each other that, ok sometimes it is good to go with the flow, and ok, sometimes it is good to plan. I love to clean, he likes a clean house but he does not prioritize it when he is alone. He thinks I spend a lot of money on stupid things (he never said as much, but I understood that that is his sentiment when I buy magazines or trinkets). I think he should start learning my language, at least now that he has gotten into the job and is in off season when it is less hard. I think he should stop smoking for his health (he thinks so to, or at least reduce it). I want him to visit my country again, and start to learn more about my country, especially if he one day should move there. We dont always agree on stuff, and that is ok. We are both right to tell our opinion and the other one can choose to listen, or not, or think it over. In time it has gotten easier to show our feelings without blaming the others for "making" us feel this way. Feelings are feelings and need to be taken seriously.

[sasad]

I don't travel for NYE.. I actually have had to return home due to snowstorms when I visited my SO in Florida last winter as well, so I am not al that excited for winter travels. I have a ticket for Dec 1st and I am watching the wonderful storm up north and just get a weeeee bit nervous... I was actually married on dec 31st so it was always a party night hah-


Yup.. three day weekend in the US! Only time I HAD to work New Years Eve was for Y2k.. Banks are closed so no way to pay anything as its too late on New Years Day.

Its amateur night, as we call it, when too many people are out drinking or doing stupid things or both even. Its not a safe night and tbh, it is not really a time I like to celebrate. There is no place to go, everyplace is crowded ( except some movie theaters) and its kind of a not happy time for me. Maybe there is something he is not liking about NYE? I totally get the waiting till you both can have more time together, and I think that's what you probably should focus on.. Stop beating yourself up!! Look at the positives and stop looking for the negatives :

[Rezie]

Thanks guys.

For me the new years itself wasn't the main thing. I just figured since the timing would be good, his hometown should be amazing on new years and I kind of liked the concept of goign to see fireworks together. I'm not looking for clubbing and partying. Just enjoying the city and the people. It just hurt me a little that he didn't feel the same but I'll just get over it. No biggie. . We can hang out later if he plans to come over. He is 100% entitled to his feelings and hasn't done anything wrong and I totally understand his view how it doesn't make sense to "waste" money if we are going to see eachother anyway withing a month. I just don't agree with him. Just one of the other 100 things we don't agree on and I'm sure there are 100 more before the summer

I decided to focus on the positives. Me and my friend have talked about going for a weekend getaway for a long time. Since I have the time, money and travel fever (and so does she) we booked tickets to central europe that weekend. Should be awesome

[R&R]

Good for you! It sounds like you and your friend will have a great time!

[Rezie]

I'm hanging out with my boyfriend this weekend. Sometimes it feels great and natural like old times. Sometimes it feels like we are strangers trying to make small talk. On top of it all (or because of it) I'm having a lot of trouble getting turned on when we were about to have sex. I dont knoe if I want to laugh or cry 😁

[differentcountries]

I'm hanging out with my boyfriend this weekend. Sometimes it feels great and natural like old times. Sometimes it feels like we are strangers trying to make small talk. On top of it all (or because of it) I'm having a lot of trouble getting turned on when we were about to have sex. I dont knoe if I want to laugh or cry ��

And this partial disconnected feeling...Do you feel this in your life generally, or just when seeing or engaging with him?

[Sparkling72]

I know I'm chiming in late on this one... and you've gotten awesome advice and ears on this too... but I always considered a "red flag" when a person is not close with any family or friends, nor do they feel the need to go out socially on their own. I had this issue with my ex-husband. He had very few friends when I met him and wasn't close with any of his family. I was his social life. Of course, at the time I didn't realize it since I was in my early 20's. Now, 20 yrs later... we're divorced and he still thinks he gets to keep my friends and family. (long other story right there LOL) So, my point here is, a person shouldn't need another person to feel whole or complete. I often tease my SO and tell him "I don't need you in my life, I want you in my life... and that's a good thing." I am whole without him. I have a rich, full, satisfying life without him... but with him, I no longer live my life, I live my dreams! don't get me wrong.. I do need him... he's 6'3 and I'm 5'4... I need him to reach the top shelf. He's strong, I'm not, so I need him to carry heavy things for me

[Rezie]

And this partial disconnected feeling...Do you feel this in your life generally, or just when seeing or engaging with him?

I don't know anymore. I read this study about quaterlife crisis. I think I have that . I've achieved everything that I'm suppose to do (nice flat, good degree, good job, good man etc.) But it's not what I want. Old enough that i should know but young enough to change everything. I don't know which of these is the actual issue or if it is all of them. I've changed a lot since I was 22 yo student but the relationship and he is at the same point as it was back then (he is 10 years older than me). Not that it's necessarily a bad thing!
*
But this pondering back and forth is getting ridiculous and it's making me laugh and cry all at once. I'm not this type of person in general. Especially with this intimacy related issue that appeared it's just so over the top 😀

[Rezie]

I know I'm chiming in late on this one... and you've gotten awesome advice and ears on this too... but I always considered a "red flag" when a person is not close with any family or friends, nor do they feel the need to go out socially on their own. I had this issue with my ex-husband. He had very few friends when I met him and wasn't close with any of his family. I was his social life. Of course, at the time I didn't realize it since I was in my early 20's. Now, 20 yrs later... we're divorced and he still thinks he gets to keep my friends and family. (long other story right there LOL) So, my point here is, a person shouldn't need another person to feel whole or complete. I often tease my SO and tell him "I don't need you in my life, I want you in my life... and that's a good thing." I am whole without him. I have a rich, full, satisfying life without him... but with him, I no longer live my life, I live my dreams! don't get me wrong.. I do need him... he's 6'3 and I'm 5'4... I need him to reach the top shelf. He's strong, I'm not, so I need him to carry heavy things for me

You know what. That actually does bother me a bit. He doesn't rely on me for social circles but he doesn't need people. So he is not dependant on anyone.I get him not being close with family since divorced parents, growing up with mum and then mum dying. But the fire d thing is something I can relate to. I want to see my old friends and make new ones whenever possible!

At 6'4 he is very covinient when lights need changing... I'll add this to the pro list 😅

[Rezie]

Dear public online diary and friends,

I got back from my boyfriends place last week. I was there from sat-tue. I hadn't been there since may it was super nice. I really like the city and now for the first time I got to wonder around by myself without my bf since he was at work. Well....since we started dating. I used to live in the neighboring town. Well, my sister in law happened to be visiting at the same time so we had lunch so that was an added bonus

I was a bit nervous coming over since we hadn't met since september when we had our big talk. We haven't gone this long without seing each other. It has been 10 weeks, previously 6 weeks has been the max. All in all we had a good time. There was some awkward moments and some that reminded that why we have bene together for almost 5 years. The intimacy part wasn't that great but I think that sice it had been so long there was a bit of pressure and not really knowing where we stood kind of affected that mood. But it was tiny little detail So the feelings of confusion didn't clear but it was awesome that we got to meet up. Also he bought me the best Christmas present. When I was heading back home he said that he would like to visit in January and we agreed that we will talk about the time later when he knows about work and stuff. So I left in a positive spirits.

So here is the not so new thoughts that I've rambeled on for 5 pages already. Either he is a great actor and can pretend that there is nothing weird goign on between us, he can push those feelings back of his mind or he just thinks thinks everything is ok. At some point I even doubted if I had told him these things outloud! Everytime we talk about our situation I feel like the information is new. Anyways, we had a lovely time and things worked out like usually when we hang out for a weekend. The problem is that I want to do more than a holiday or even an extended holiday. Something more permanent to see how the "real life" would be. So still working on it!

We talked on the phone today. His work is a bit crazy at the moment since his manager is terrible. He let his manager know that he doesn't want to continue past January. This was in line since when he left in september he said tha the could work hard 3 months and get enough money to do another longer visit. He didn't even rent a flat, but is staying in a hotel. Well now his manager is giving him new options and trying to get him to stay longer. He is now thinking about it since the offer is quite good. Fair enough, january met up can be a weekend like usually. Also he is heading to his dads house next weekend. That's the weekedn he didn't want to travel when we were trying to figure out when to meet. It's good that he is visiting his dad since he doesn't want to go down there too often and he is getting older. He is also staying there the whole next week and over the holidays since there is not a lot going on at work. I didnät say anything since I didn't want to start a thing but I was a bit confused by this. His initial idea was to make as much money as possible so he could visit longer and now he gets unpaid holiday time for over a week to visit home. I know I'm not suppose to be upset since I do like it when he visits his dad. But the whole "don't want to travel that weekend", "don't know if I can get time off" and those comments really make me doubt even more about his desire to move here like he says he wants to. I mean that adter last visit I already have the doubt but he is not really making them any better. I decided to wait past the holidays before talking to him but in january if he sugests meeting up I'm gonna once more tell what I want and how I want it. Not because my way is better or correct but because I need him to react and tell what he wants, his plan and how he sees the future working out.