How do you cope with your partner being busy? Having a hard time right now..

[mayfirst]

Hi all! It's my first time posting here so I apologize if I've made any mistakes.
I met my boyfriend in the same high school last year, he came here to learn English and we started dating around the end of the last year. But he had to go back to Korea because he wanted to study in his country again. We decided that we would hold onto this relationship because we really felt a connection and loved our relationship.

We only dated for 2 months before he left, and we've now been doing 4 months of LDR. It's being going up and down as expected, but we've always managed to solve our problems and we've been okay again. We both established that we would like to be apart of each other's futures so he's made it clear that I'm very important to him.

However recently, he's been going to institute where he comes home around 5pm. On top of this, he has a separate batch of exams that he has to study for, unrelated to to what he's studying at the institute. He does not want to do these exams but his mother is pressuring him to do them, so he's been feeling stressed about this.

He therefore has to study a lot. We used to talk a lot, but it's now shortened to about an hour or so every day. He doesn't message me throughout the day but instead we have a call before the day ends. But now these calls are too short for my liking. The past 2 days we didn't talk because we got into a fight, so on the third day we talked, and he wasn't very happy in the call even though I tried to make him feel better. I know I can't expect him to be feeling great, but that bummed me out. He then tried to leave about an hour and thirty minutes later because he said he needed to rest, study and then sleep-- which made me quite upset because we had barely talked the past two days. I unfairly got angry over this and we had a fight before we left.

I felt bad about this, so I sent him some messages and apologized for my reaction. He apologized too and we talked it out and then he said he has to sleep. I asked him to stay for a few minutes (because I was still feeling lonely and sad about our situation) and he said "No, sorry" and this hurt me-- I couldn't understand how sacrificing a few minutes of sleep would then affect his entire day?

So here I am posting about your advice. I'm trying to be mature about this, but at times it's quite hard not to feel upset. I have to study too and I have my own responsibilities too, but I would always want to make time for him. How do you deal with your partner being busy? And do you think I'm overreacting and being immature? Honesty would be appreciated.

Also very sorry that this is so long! Just feeling a lot of emotions right now

[paperplane]

I don't think that you're overreacting. I think it's normal to get overwhelmed. It sounds like you feel like you are more invested, and that this feeling of imbalance puts a lot of pressure on the time that you get to talk. How much better would a few more minutes really make you feel? Does he know what "a few more" minutes means or did he maybe worry that you'd keep asking until another hour went by? Is it worth leaving the conversation on that note?

I think that you should take a deep breath and try to release some of your attachment to how you feel things *should* be, and focus on how you actually are feeling in the present moment. How much of your distress is based on the reality, compared to your fears in your mind?

In an LDR, there are so many chances for hurt feelings and miscommunications, and you really need to pick your battles. While it's important to have regular communication, you can't count how many hours you've "missed" and try to make them up. It's quality of communication, not necessarily quantity that matters. It's very difficult to maintain the initial intensity in an LDR and it is normal for communication to drop off a bit- otherwise you'd be talking about the same thing every day.

On that note though, you also need to think about what needs you really need him to meet and which you can meet yourself. If you're lonely- can you hang out with a good friend, or does it have to be him? Do you have a good balance between your relationship and your life in your country? What ways could you improve that so that you are less stressed about the relationship?

[Littlewhiteflower]

I agree with what paperplane wrote. I've been in a LDR for 2 years and a half and my SO and I barely have calls that last more than an hour now. So, I would tend to think that overreacting for a 1h30 long call wasn't necessary.

School can put a lot of pressure on a student's shoulders, especially during the exam periods. It is normal to be upset because the amount of communication decreases, but quality is what matters honestly. If you fight your SO when he has time to communicate because he does not communicate enough when he is busy, then the quality of your time together is already affected.

Make the most of your moments together. Tell yourself that he won't study all his life and that it will probably come back to normal when he gets less busy. Try to change your mind. Go out. Make friends. Have fun it will probably help you.

[MissRatt]

I recently began dating a Korean man. I will tell you something I learned very quickly about the culture is that they work/study hard and all the time. I know it can be frustrating but please understand the culture he lives in. Also these are times where you can truly evaluate who you are as a person and what you desire in a relationship. In the short period of time that I have been with my man I have learned so much about myself.

I will say I am happy and appreciate every text, call (whether its hours or even if its 2 minutes while hes on the sub), and video chat I get with him.

[differentcountries]

My man works a lot, but I support him in doing that. I realize that, even if I come 1st in his life, in practical terms, his job has 1st place (and his studies used to, too). It took me a long time to let go of the long, frequent calls. We sometimes have long chats and so on. But the trust part - it takes a while to come to terms with the fact that even if you don't hear from someone all the time, they still think about you and miss you. And they may be tired, or busy. I think what has helped us is that I am naturally busy, too, I have school and studies and friends and activities. It is not like I just wait in a corner for him to magically appear.

I sometimes find that, when we have not had that much contact in a while (lets say barely a few texts over a couple of days), it works better to just sit still and let him take the initiative, let him miss me. Then he can really appreciate the contact and he will know that he does it because he wants to, not because he is told to.

Do you have your next visit planned? I find that everything is easier if I have a date to look forward to, even if it is several months away.

[Chifuyu4]

Understand this well. He's busy with work and me with school and work, and our time zones are so different, so we can't really "spend" much time together on the phone or even chat over messenger that much. It's really hard. I just try to look forward to the weekend when we can phone and I find the weeks go by faster.

[LDPie]

Understand this well. He's busy with work and me with school and work, and our time zones are so different, so we can't really "spend" much time together on the phone or even chat over messenger that much. It's really hard. I just try to look forward to the weekend when we can phone and I find the weeks go by faster.

This goes the same for me.