Coming Together Under One... Bank Account?

[rainy_daze]

We (she:40's, me: 50's) are currently waiting for our K-1 visa to be granted... and we are expecting my fiancee to be able to join me in the US by mid-Autumn and we will get married here right away. She is learning English but her proficiency level is still elementary. Reasonably, when she comes here, for the first year, I will be supporting her until she learns enough English to be able to get her own job and contribute to the family income picture.

Because our relationship is built on trust and she will be my wife, I plan to get her a bank card that gives her access to my/our bank account. She is coming here without assets and without the immediate ability to earn her own money but I want her to be able to shop and buy food, clothes, things for our home, etc. without asking me for an "allowance". She is in her 40's and has been independent her whole life.

The other night, we were talking on this subject and she told me that she needs to have her own separate bank account. This account would contain money that we would agree that she can take from our joint account and put aside into her own separate account to spend or save as she prefers. She said that because she has always lived independently, it's not comfortable for her to have no money of her own - or to have me able to see every amount of money she spends and for what purpose.

On one hand, I can understand her need for autonomy and a sense of independence. On the other hand, I really can't understand why she would need a separate account when all of her money is coming from me anyway. If I have given her access to everything and told her that I'm not going to be scrutinizing her purchases any more than she can scrutinize mine, is it unreasonable for me to ask "why do you need a separate account?"

She and I are not in the same position - for at least a year, she will 100% dependent upon me for every aspect of her financial needs. I don't know that I can even comprehend how it would feel to surrender that much control of my life into the hands of someone else, no matter how much I trust them. I suppose not everyone wants to co-mingle their finances completely, especially in a case where she is trying to establish her autonomy. I am willing to share everything that I have and make everything visible to her. It picks at some part of my brain that she wants to take "our" money and make it exclusively "her" money.

Money is always a tricky topic but I wonder if I'm being insensitive to her needs by questioning why she needs a firewall down the middle of this aspect of our shared life.

Opinions are welcome.

[kittyo9]

In a way, she's got a point. I understand your perspective, but I also think that you should be cautious, as well. I know that you want to share everything and dive head first into your relationship, but it is financially smart to keep your individual finances separate. Keeping separate bank accounts can prevent financial squabbles over petty things, such as "why are you spending $5 at Starbucks every day?" and "what's this charge here for $30 at the nail spa?", which can make you feel like your every move is being scrutinized. It also creates a barrier between the two of you so that if something goes wrong, she can't take you for everything you have, and you can't take her means of support out from under her. Relationships can and do go sour every day, and although you may feel like that will never happen, it is better that you protect yourself from the start.

You can create two bank accounts: one in both your names, and one for her independently, such that you can each add or withdraw funds from your joint account, but neither of you have access to each others' personal accounts. This will also help her down the line when she starts working (if she'll be working), as she'll have an account of her own already set up for things like direct deposit. What you can then do is contribute a set amount to the joint account every week/paycheck/month/whatever, and designate those as "household expenses", and then also set up a transfer (either from there or from your own account) to her personal account as a "stipend" of sorts. Agree to discuss large purchases ahead of time and then transfer the funds accordingly.

This method lets her have some autonomy in her financial decisions without feeling like she has to have your permission for every little purchase, especially when it comes to things for herself, while also being sympathetic to you as the sole provider.

Some people just go straight for a joint account-- my SO's parents do that, and everything they purchase comes out of one big pool of money. That works for them and they're fine with it. My SO and I are more like your SO-- we like to manage our own finances, so we'll be keeping separate accounts and creating a joint account that we both contribute to. It doesn't mean we're about to hide things from each other, just that we have control over how we each spend (or save) our money.

[TaraMarie]

So I am currently in your situation. My ex-husband and I had only joint accounts. When I divorced, I loved have complete financial freedom. My current husband and I have a joint savings account, but we each have our own checking accounts and have been soloely responsible for our own finances. I paid my mortgage, car payment, insurance premiums, household expenses, utilities, and my credit card bills, as well as my expenses for my children. He still owns a home out of state and he paid for his own household expenses. He bought all the groceries and paid for all of our travel and anything else we did (dinners/movies etc). The end of January, I was laid off from my job. Aside from unemployment (which has since run out), he's had to assume all.of my expenses. I HATE it. I don't like having any of my own money. I HATE being dependent on him for everything. I HATE having to ask for money to go grocery shopping or put gas in my car, and I REALLY hate asking him to fund my daughter's prom and graduation expenses. He has been great about it, but I can see it's starting to wear on him and he's now questioning some expenses. Fortunately, I am starting my new job 10 days. I can't WAIT to get back to paying my own way. I NEVER want to be dependent on someone else for my finances. I can see where you SO is coming from. It sounds to me that you are more concerned that she's taking your money and you can't see what she's doing with it. If you give money, it should always be with no strings attached. Maybe you should have a joint account for household expenses so she can go grocery shopping, buy things for the house, etc....and she can have a separate account for personal things (hair care, nails, clothes, gifts, etc).