He broke up, but I'll visit him in 2 weeks

[Tommy C]

Check the rules of the non refundable tickets you have. You may be able to change destinations or apply it to a future flight. That way you could use them for a vacation where you don't have this looming over you and where your ex isn't.

Non Refundable Tickets: Non-refundable tickets cannot be returned for a refund. However, if you cannot use your ticket, you may be able to apply its value toward a future flight. The airline may charge additional fees for changes made to a non-refundable ticket. https://faq.orbitz.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/174


From CNN
Travelers are often confused by what "non-refundable" means when it comes to airline tickets.

In general, it means that you won't get any money back if you cancel or change your flight. However, most airlines will allow flyers to apply the face value of the canceled ticket toward the purchase of a new ticket. In those cases, a penalty of $50 or $75 usually is charged.

https://www.cnn.com/TRAVEL/ADVISOR/ticket.refunds/

[churchgrim]

To be honest, you've asked us for advice but aren't going to follow it. Most of us have told you not to go, but every reply you've given has stated that you're going to anyway.

I also agree that you should not go. If you did go and somehow got back together, the minute you were long distance again it's very likely you would break up. Some people can't handle LDRs, and some people don't even try. If he can't/won't handle 5 weeks, how do you expect him to hold out for 2 years? He also seems like he will always follow his own family's wishes - if they dislike you so much, there would have been a lot of pressure from them to end it, and this would continue if you got back together. It's unfair to yourself to get your hopes up about having a future with him. Don't go to see him.

[Blege]

Thing is, I never asked whether I should go or not, just how to behave around him. It's always been sure that I go, as the ticket is absolutely not refundable (I tried to, also the thing with the re-booking. I mean, I'm not completely nuts thinking that I'll get him back for sure.). I don't want the money to be wasted. Moreover, I have to stay at his place, as I just don't have the money to afford a hostel in Korea for 3 weeks. Plus, it really really would be sad if I was going to spend christmas alone in a hostel.
I intend to make the best of it, also see Korea and stuff. I'll try to be as independent as possible. I don't want to annoy him.

I'm just scared how it will be when we see each other again for the first time in 4 months. Last time we saw each other, we were both crying and swearing we'd get through this. I just can't imagine that he won't feel anything, as we never were on a "friends-basis". I'm still the person he used to love, still the person he fell in love with. That has not changed, and even though it's kind of "easy" to tell someone you don't love him/her anymore through a PC screen when you're 20000 miles apart and haven't seen that person in months, I just don't think that it'll be the same when we're spending time together with the possibility to express emotions on a very different level (nope, not physical, but, with the whole body language and stuff).

Plus, I don't understand his actions at all. Some people here said that he's a dick, and I kind of agree while just seeing his behaviour. I mean, if he doesn't love me anymore, why does he propose to skype each weekend? I never asked for it, it was always him. And he tries to keep the conversation alive, while I'm rather distant. And he's definetely not the skype-guy, he even said that I am by far the person of his "old" life he has the most contact with. He still cares about me and admits it, and when our conversation is not that pleasant because he's annoyed he later apologizes, asking I should not be mad at him as he has university exams and therefore much stress right now. And, he let's me come, knowing t least in the back of his head about my ulterior motives. I mean, if I was at his place and absolutely out of love and annoyed, I just would not let him come. Really not. Instead, he tells me that it will be "really great".

I am really glad that you worry about me and appreciate your comments, however, I rather need some advice on how to behave when I'm sleeping in his room for 3 weeks and doing things with him every day.

[LadyDaemon]

Thing is, I never asked whether I should go or not, just how to behave around him. It's always been sure that I go, as the ticket is absolutely not refundable (I tried to, also the thing with the re-booking. I mean, I'm not completely nuts thinking that I'll get him back for sure.). I don't want the money to be wasted.

Ok,so here's the thing. You wanted advice on 'how to act'. The thing is that with the way things are you shouldn't really be worried about how to act,but more so whether or not it is a good idea to go stay with the person that just broke up with you,told you he doesn't love you anymore and says he only wants to be friends and see you for closure. I have a feeling that you would rather us tell you something more along the lines of 'oh yeah! go see him! that's a wonderful idea! because sure he'll come running back to you if you try!'. Well,I'm sorry but that's not the response you're going to get here. When it's obvious to us,as it should be to you,that it's a bad idea to travel to someone who just broke up with you and who's family doesn't desire to have you around in general,much less in their sons life,then that's what we're going to tell you. Plain and simple. All you're asking for in that situation is a bunch of heartache and misery. Because not only is not allowing for you to start the process of moving on,it's also giving you false hope. It's also going to put you in a hard position,because while he's there going on about his life trying to get over this,you're going to be there miserable because (whether you admit it or not) you want him back and he doesn't want that. It will also most likely be really awkward because you'll be in the same house with his family who again doesn't like you. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear,but its the reality of it.

As for the money,if you re-book the ticket you're not wasting money. Go to Korea at a later date when you can afford the hostel,just don't stay with him.

I'm just scared how it will be when we see each other again for the first time in 4 months. Last time we saw each other, we were both crying and swearing we'd get through this. I just can't imagine that he won't feel anything, as we never were on a "friends-basis". I'm still the person he used to love, still the person he fell in love with. That has not changed, and even though it's kind of "easy" to tell someone you don't love him/her anymore through a PC screen when you're 20000 miles apart and haven't seen that person in months, I just don't think that it'll be the same when we're spending time together with the possibility to express emotions on a very different level (nope, not physical, but, with the whole body language and stuff).

No it's not easy. You either love a person or you don't. Regardless of miles or PCs. Being in person or not is not going to suddenly change loving someone. If you really love someone then you will love them regardless of any obstacle unless that obstacle is something like cheating and what not. You're filling yourself with false hope that once you show up and he sees you that it's suddenly going to open his eyes and he's going to have an epiphany and realize he loves you. I'm sorry but I highly doubt that's what will happen. This isn't the movies where a couple breaks up for a week and then one of them realized they were being stupid and then comes running back into the others arms and then cut to fairytale ending. You're setting yourself up for worse heartache then what you were dealing with when the break-up initially happened. You're doing this with expectations and ulterior motives that will ultimately probably be let down in the end. I am sorry if this all sounds negative,but really it's just a healthy dose of reality.

Plus, I don't understand his actions at all. Some people here said that he's a dick, and I kind of agree while just seeing his behaviour. I mean, if he doesn't love me anymore, why does he propose to skype each weekend? I never asked for it, it was always him. And he tries to keep the conversation alive, while I'm rather distant. And he's definetely not the skype-guy, he even said that I am by far the person of his "old" life he has the most contact with. He still cares about me and admits it, and when our conversation is not that pleasant because he's annoyed he later apologizes, asking I should not be mad at him as he has university exams and therefore much stress right now. And, he let's me come, knowing t least in the back of his head about my ulterior motives. I mean, if I was at his place and absolutely out of love and annoyed, I just would not let him come. Really not. Instead, he tells me that it will be "really great".

You're reading wayyy to much into what he's doing and saying. Just because he skypes first or texts you first doesn't mean that he's still in love with you. You're hoping that with him doing all of those things that means he still loves you more then he's letting on. Again,I doubt it. Also,caring doesn't equate to love. You can love someone a tremendous amount,even after a break-up,but that doesn't mean there's love still there.

About his knowing in the back of his head about your ulterior motives,he may or may not know,but that doesn't mean anything. There's nothing saying that once you got there and he realized that you were going to act on those ulterior motives that he wouldn't stop you dead in your tracks.

I am really glad that you worry about me and appreciate your comments, however, I rather need some advice on how to behave when I'm sleeping in his room for 3 weeks and doing things with him every day.

You behave normally,like a normal person. You don't do anything unless he does something first. Simple as that.

[OperaDiva]

I rather need some advice on how to behave when I'm sleeping in his room for 3 weeks and doing things with him every day.

Here is my heartfelt advice - don't do it. You will be miserable and it will torture you (I've been there, for 10 days, so I KNOW). Holidays should be spend with people who love and cherish you - family, friends. You should choose your own happiness and move on, starting with these holidays.

[TwoThree]

You're lying to yourself when you say you can't afford this or that so you have to go and do things as initially planned before he dumped you and basically told you you weren't good enough for him. Ticket is non-refundable? Fine. You can go, but for very little money you can easily make the trip much shorter. Three days instead of three weeks. That sounds great to me. As for sleeping in the same room, surely he has a sofa you can crash on?

You don't just come to a forum and expose a very shitty situation and then when people react with genuine concern you say that you wanted them to respond in a certain way and that they're not helping.

[CanadianGirl]

I'm not sure what you want to hear. You already know you have ulterior motives, and you'll be living with him for three weeks and, presumably, acting as a couple. If the advice you want is how to rekindle a relationship like that, it's not anything anyone would ever know.

If you'll be staying with him, I would not suggest sharing a bed (couch, sleeping bag, any alternative at all). You should see this as visiting a long distance friend and not push the relationship angle. What I would be honestly worried about is that, if you two got into a fight or if his family pressured him, you'd be forced into a hurtful situation and on your own. Three weeks is a long time to be continuously living with someone, when you haven't been with them in ages. Even within a steady relationship, that's enough time for some argument or another to come up and you're depending on him a lot right now. The temptation will be high, and clearly, emotions are high enough as it is. Just seems like a volatile situation, so if you're going to do this, I'd suggest treating it like you're "couch-surfing" on a trip to Asia.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Thing is, I never asked whether I should go or not, just how to behave around him. It's always been sure that I go, as the ticket is absolutely not refundable (I tried to, also the thing with the re-booking. I mean, I'm not completely nuts thinking that I'll get him back for sure.). I don't want the money to be wasted. Moreover, I have to stay at his place, as I just don't have the money to afford a hostel in Korea for 3 weeks. Plus, it really really would be sad if I was going to spend christmas alone in a hostel.
I intend to make the best of it, also see Korea and stuff. I'll try to be as independent as possible. I don't want to annoy him.

This is what I think is more the issue.. you'll try to be as independent as possible so that you don't annoy him.
Try to be as independent as possible for YOU. For yourself, and your feelings and experiences.

I agree with the others who suggest not going, or if you have to, going but not spending time with him. Do it for yourself, not for him.

I'm still the person he used to love, still the person he fell in love with. That has not changed.

Maybe not, but it's possible *he's* changed.. the person he is now has stated he's not in love with you. It sucks, and it's hard, but sometimes people fall out of love.

I am really glad that you worry about me and appreciate your comments, however, I rather need some advice on how to behave when I'm sleeping in his room for 3 weeks and doing things with him every day.

For starters, sleep on his couch, or his floor, not in his bed.
Secondly, don't do things with him every day. Go see stuff you want to see, do stuff you want to do, and tell him you'll meet him for lunch if he's free. Be polite but don't get invested in anything. Maintain some emotional distance.

My old roommate had almost an exact same situation once, and after the week-long post-breakup visit, he described it to me as being "like a bad date that wouldn't end. Have you ever been on an uncomfortable date? Has it ever lasted for SEVEN DAYS?" Your situation could be different, everyone's lives are different, but honestly, visiting sounds like a bad idea. Good luck.

[silvermoonfairy3]

LadyDaemon said it all much better than I did. I completely agree with her and second her comments. Next time I should read the whole thread before replying.

[Blege]

Ok, thanks for all your replies!
I certainly will not pressure him into anything, and I already got some plans and stuff I want to do, alone. I even got asked by some guys I met at a MUN to join them during their weekly debates. And after all, Seoul is a huge city to discover I'm sure there will be a lot of museums to visit.

I am not sleeping in his bed, at least I hope so. Otherwise I'll get a sleeping back down there. But just to clarify: his family WON'T be there. They're still in France. It's only me and him, and his new roommate I suppose (if he's not going home for christmas). So this will not cause any stress, and I'm glad about it. It will be the first time in forever that we'll be able to speak to each other without the pressure of his family behind it.

And of course, I'll try to act as "friendish" as possible and look where it takes me. I kind of have the impression that he thinks I'll come there and will want to talk about us and throw myself at him constantly. I won't. Of course not, I got my dignity and I don't believe that this will make me attractive.
Moreover, I won't engage in anything physical without romantic feelings or whatsoever. If he wants that, he also rather should want my personality.

So yeah, that's basically it. I need to be strong, that's all. But right now I really try to be positive about it, because all the hopelessness just kills me during my exam period.

[Blege]

So, I am currently in Seoul since 2 weeks now.
And...we are back together. It took a few days, but he was kind and attentive from the beginning, and on christmas eve he told me he wanted to give us another try. Since then, we've had the most awesome time together. We took it slow, didn't sleep with each other for a couple of days (he said he first wanted to work things out) and talked a lot about our past mistakes.

He even told his family that we are back together, which meant quite a lot to me. We really were happy the past days.

However, there is a huge problem. One week before I went to Korea, I got admitted to a dual degree program between my current University in France and the University of Sydney. I applied to this at the beginning of the semester, but never thought they would take me (the administration basically said so, as chances were extremely low seeing that only 5 students from my year were admitted). So, instead of going to Singapore for next ear, I will be going to Sydney for the next two years.

It took me until now to decide whether I wanted to do this or not. I applied there before I knew I actually really want to go to Singapore, and I have been weighing both options for the past weeks, writing many mails to consults and professors in order to make the right decision. Two years at the other end of the world really is a huge decision, and I wanted to be sure it was the right one.
However, yesterday I finally decided to take Sydney, as it probably will be the best for my future career. Until then, I hadn't told my boyfriend about it, since I did not want to freak him out with one additional year of hardcore LDR.

But today I did. He did not really take it well, said he wished I would have told him earlier (I know he is right, but everything went so well and I didn't find the courage) and that he doesn't know whether he wants to do this or not. But he also said that he would not have wanted me to say no to this offer just because of him.

I cried, I am still crying. He had to leave for his three-hour tutoring class half an hour ago and I just don't know what to do.

[Ahava]

It's a GREAT opportunity! And why not look on the bright side, if your relationship can take the two year LDR test then he is a keeper.

I'm happy for you for getting back together and hope you manage to work out all these issues and struggles.

[differentcountries]

So interesting that you are back together. And so nice that he told his family. Now is his chance to back you up. 2. Years in Sydney sounds Great!

[Deleted]

Glad that you worked everything out! Hope everything works out well this time best wishes to ya.

[Blege]

Thanks for your support! I really hope it'll work out this time.