Green card spouse

[lucybelle]

For you international couples who are planning to be married, are you or your partner ever worried about being labeled a "green card spouse" (or equivalent in other countries)? My SO is really worried about it, in fact every time we talk about marriage he brings up the fact that he doesn't want my family or other people to think he's marrying me just for the green card. It just seems ridiculous to me, and I never even thought about it until he brought it up. I guess there is a stigma that certain areas in the world marry for green cards, but I don't care. I know, and he knows, and our family and friends know that if we were to get married it would be because we love each other. But this really bothers him! Any way I can calm him down about this? Has anyone else experienced this?

[nicole]

well I'm from England, and I've been called that before by some of my SO's acquaintances. They say it as a joke, but it does hurt. Because I know our relationship is 100% genuine, we were just unfortunate in the fact we were born in different countries. It hurts to think people judge my relationship and insinuate I have hidden agendas. I don't really know what to say. People say dumb stuff. Especially about things they don't understand. I wish everyone had to go through the same horrible process as we are going through just to get married, then let them judge how genuine our relationship is then.

I don't really have much advice. You can't let it faze you. Water off a ducks back and all that. You can't stop other people being judgmental, but you can ignore them! I do feel pretty superior when I know how hard we've had to fight just to be together; not many people could do what we've done. So long as you guys know how strong your relationship is, those people can't touch you! Maybe if he's concerned about what family members think, I'd maybe see if you can find a way to explain the whole process goes, how long it takes etc; people seem to respect our relationship a lot more when they know what we've had to go through.

[Haley53]

I definitely agree that people are ignorant to the process. I can't say my SO has any reservation about the idea, but I have had people suggest or say outright that I'm his greencard. Some have said it with the intention of kidding/playing around, and others have said it seriously. I can't say it feels good, but it's also something that I feel it's best I try and ignore. If people are ignorant enough to believe that one working holiday, one entire K-1 process, all the finances required for an international move/visa, and the continuation of having to prove our relationship for something like two years after marriage later that he's still in it for a greencard, well, there's no changing their minds on that one! That being said, my partner is also from Europe, and there seems to be less of a stigma of wanting to marry someone from Europe (being honest, for many Americans, at least my age, it seems the idea of marrying from Europe is almost like marrying "up") than if I were to be dating someone from somewhere like Mexico, which is where I imagine I'd see much more hostility or bolstering of the idea he's a "greencard spouse."

That being said, in addition to what nicole mentioned, I would guess that the opinions would eventually die down? For example, if he applies to work or if people simply ask about your relationship, when 10 years down the line you're both able to say "we dated long distance for a while, but then we both moved back to the States and have been here for 10 years now," people are going to give you and your partner much less of a sidelong reaction than, "I married my wife a month ago." It is, or I would like to think it is, a temporary battle. Unfortunately, when it comes to LDRs, you're not only having to continue proving your relationship to the government but to every ignoramus who believes long-distance relationships don't work, but it's temporary. You will always have someone who has very conservative, damaging, and demeaning views, but you learn to deal with them. The people that matter shouldn't have those views, or an explanation should easily take them away and shed light on the situation. The people you meet? Well, okay, sure opinions may be formed in the beginning, but it's only temporary. I really think that if at all, the stigma would follow around for 2-3 years. I can't see where there'd still be the stigma of being a "greencard" spouse once you hit 4+ years of being married and living together - happily, because people can tell what happy looks like.

[leonsfangirl]

It annoys me and my SO.

I've had a few "friends" say he's only with me to get into the UK but that doesn't hold up when he doesn't need me to do it. It upsets me that people would think that little of my SO and it upsets him for the same reason.
We know our relationship is genuine and aslong as they guy who issues us the visa believes us too we dont care.

[alesitag]

I've been thinking about that too... i'm from Mexico... "one of those countries"... my SO is from Canada, and I'm really worried his family and friends would think I'm "using" him... we both know that's not the case... we've talked about what would be the smartest decision if our time to close the distance comes, and we both agree moving to Canada would be better, since I speak English pretty well while he only knows a few random words in Spanish

We know our relationship is genuine and aslong as they guy who issues us the visa believes us too we dont care.

I couldn't have said it any better

[snow_girl]

I'm totally in it for a green card to Europe!

[lucybelle]

I'm totally in it for a green card to Europe!

Haha! I talked to my sister about it and she told me she's thought about marrying her boyfriend while she's still in the Navy so they both can fly on the free airforce flights! jaja!

[inlovewithYounes]

My guy is from Morocco Africa so I know what you mean. We both know that we will run into the obstacles and people who will say and think that and maybe treat us differently because of it. I'm sure it will get to him occasionally and me. Him for the fact that he wouldn't want people looking at him that way or looking at US that way and then for me because I know him and don't ever want someone to see him that way. He is a great guy and deserves to be respected and loved by the people around him....in the end though, what him and I say about it would be the same advice I would give to you. Prove everyone wrong in the end. One day your family and friends will stop talking like that and stop with their comments and thoughts and realize " oh! I think we were wrong about this! Look at them. They are still together and in love." The process of getting there may be worrisome or hurtful, I'm not sure. Each couple is different and each person is different in how they will treat you. Just stick with each other, support each other and then one day everyone will come around and respect you guys for who you are! Good luck! <3

[Minerva]

We haven't yet (at least I haven't heard that), but we still haven't really decided how or when we'll close the distance. I've talked about retiring to England before, so I imagine dating an Englishman might get me some side-eyes.

My cousin's wife is from Ukraine and even though she and my cousin are obviously in love and went through a lot to get her settled here, some in my family think she only married him for the green card. She's a bright person who has a degree with honors from a British university -- I doubt she needed my cousin to advance herself.

[kittyo9]

I foresee this issue if I choose to marry my current boyfriend. He's from a poor country with many, many immigrants to the US, and if you don't actually listen to our story, you'd probably jump up and shout, "He's just marrying you for the green card!" I sense it sometimes when I mention that he's from Peru and we met online, but most people I talk to have the good sense not to say anything. I get offended thinking about it. It's like suddenly I'm just too naive to understand these things in their eyes, and clearly I must be making a mistake. Give us some credit, sheesh!

[SquishyLove]

For you international couples who are planning to be married, are you or your partner ever worried about being labeled a "green card spouse" (or equivalent in other countries)? My SO is really worried about it, in fact every time we talk about marriage he brings up the fact that he doesn't want my family or other people to think he's marrying me just for the green card. It just seems ridiculous to me, and I never even thought about it until he brought it up. I guess there is a stigma that certain areas in the world marry for green cards, but I don't care. I know, and he knows, and our family and friends know that if we were to get married it would be because we love each other. But this really bothers him! Any way I can calm him down about this? Has anyone else experienced this?

I think you can just reassure him that since you guys have been together for so long, that when you guys decide to get married, your family and friends are going to know your relationship is legit. The biggest scrutiny you have to worry about is from USCIS (immigration), but as long as you have viable proof of your relationship you also shouldn't run into any bad problems. Hopefully the longevity of your relationship before marriage will be enough for others to see that it isn't a "greencard" marriage.

[SquishyLove]

My cousin's wife is from Ukraine and even though she and my cousin are obviously in love and went through a lot to get her settled here, some in my family think she only married him for the green card. She's a bright person who has a degree with honors from a British university -- I doubt she needed my cousin to advance herself.

The former Soviet countries also carry a big "greencard" stigma with them, and women tend to get it a lot harsher than men, because of the whole "mail order bride" stereotype. Example in point, my husband is Russian, and received no scrutiny (at least out loud) from any of my friends or family about using me for a Green card. Maybe people don't say that stuff because he's a guy. It seems to be a prejudice aimed mostly at females from that part of the world. That being said, my husband also didn't need to come to America to advance himself. He came simply to be with me.

[Tooki]

The former Soviet countries also carry a big "greencard" stigma with them, and women tend to get it a lot harsher than men, because of the whole "mail order bride" stereotype. Example in point, my husband is Russian, and received no scrutiny (at least out loud) from any of my friends or family about using me for a Green card. Maybe people don't say that stuff because he's a guy. It seems to be a prejudice aimed mostly at females from that part of the world. That being said, my husband also didn't need to come to America to advance himself. He came simply to be with me.

Alternatively, my missus is Estonian and I'm the one who will end up using her to get into Europe . And SHE is the one with the EU connections. If I REALLY wanted to be in the EU so badly, I would just go to the UK. It's easy enough for the Western Commonwealth countries to do that.

(Although I had one friend tell me that she is using me to get into Australia. It's funny, because getting into Australia is a lot easier than getting into Europe hahaha)

[13000km]

Ohh it definitely bothers me. I have been mistaken twice now for a nanny since my boyfriend's sister had her baby in January. Jokes have been made about mail order brides and his mom used to introduce me as her foreign exchange student because "we never made it clear to her what our relationship is" (man, that pissed my boyfriend off, I mean, I moved to another country for him).

I know I don't care about the green card. He knows he doesn't care. Part of me says "who cares what other people think?". The other part of me is bothered by the stereotype. /:

[Captivated]

I've gotten some flack for it. My own nephew who is 9 years old came up to me one day and said, "he's using you to get in America." Now where in the heck would a 9 year old get something like that from? His parents of course so that's when I learned how my brother and SIL felt :/

If anyone mentions that I just say, which is true, that he doesn't really want to move here but he's doing it for me. But they can believe what they want. He and I know the truth and know our love is real.