Cohabiting Before Marriage

[Zephii]

I think Alsfia has a really good point, I've noticed that too. (And I don't think it's wrong either. I was all for 'living in sin' till old age)

I think the idea that people move in together to have premarital sex is a bit off base too, I mean I don't know about the rest of you but we were having plenty of sex before we moved in together and besides that I'm perfectly capable of living with someone and not having sex with them. Living together and having sex are not the same thing.

I think by the time my kids get married condoms will be the new no sex before marriage. Obi will be there waving his fist (or a shotgun if we move to America) and I'll be shouting "No bare-backing til you're married!!"
... kidding, mostly

[Kristin91]

I think if you let yourself "slide" into living together, as phrased it, then yeah it will be less likely to work out. I think you have to have a serious sit-down discussion with your SO about moving in together and how you think it will change your relationship and your expectations for it. Just like I wouldn't close the distance without some serious thought and discussion, I wouldn't move in with my SO without those things first.

[melarie]

I definitely plan on living with with my SO before I marry them. Maybe before we get engaged, maybe after. For me, since I'm in an LDR, it really depends on where we are in our relationship when we decide to live together. But then again, I think moving in with him would basically be like an engagement. I mean, with me moving to england, or him to America, it's basically saying that I plan on spending my life with him.

But aside from the long distance thing, I think I'd want to live with them first before I made such a huge commitment. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with, and I've seen a lot of relationships and even friendships fall apart because they couldn't stand living with each other.

[Oldblighty]

If anything I would have prefered to have lived with my guy for some months/years before I got married. But the fact that were from different continents, have time limited visas we only got to live together for a few months before we got married. Its a personal choice and if couples want to do it the old fashioned way then so be it, but its not for me!!

[phoenix-]

Following this thread closely and learning A LOT.

So last year, I got out of a three-year cohabitating relationship. It's easily one of the most traumatic things I have ever had to go through (and you're talking to a girl who lost her daughter in an international kidnapping/custody battle). After that, I thought I would never consider cohabitating again. This wasn't a brash decision either. I weighed the pros and cons and decided the con list was way too long. I will openly admit that I do want to get married one day. I am twenty-five and I understand it's probably too early, but I've finally reconciled with the supposedly un-hardcore-feminist idea that I really want marriage. It IS one of my life goals (phew, that's a difficult thing to say/write out loud for a girl like me, lol!). I realized in the past few years that marriage is so important to me that the idea of cohabitating considerably lessening the chance of that scares the hell out of me. By the end of my previous relationship and long after, I thought that cohabitating gives you too "easy" (relative term here. it was, by no means, easy) of an out should the relationship fall apart, yet traumatizes you in the same way that a divorce would (splitting of EVERYTHING, including living beings). Despite how casually divorce is being thrown around these days, I think, for the most part, people who commit to a wedding and the whole nine yards really do.. well.. commit. I think the phrase "save the marriage" still holds more sway to a person's psyche and motivation than "save the relationship". Again, this only applies to people who actually decide they want marriage. This is not meant to be a blanket statement. This is simply my view on the subject and my own experience, with a bit of personal bias lent by my strong feelings towards getting married one day (and, trust me, that view is ever changing, as I will explain below).

However, lately, I've been considering moving in with someone again. My current boyfriend has lived with every single one of his exes. To my eternal bafflement, he still believes in moving in together. I fear he is approaching it far too casually while I am approaching it far too seriously. The point is that I am "approaching it" and that I might actually do it again despite my reservations. My arguments for cohabitation stem mostly from positive comments and encouragements I've read on LFAD. As we all know, LDRs are a whole different breed of relationships compared to CDRs (which my previous relationship was). The stories that led to happy, on-going years of commitment (regardless of wedding bells) are also big factors in my decision-making. Afterall, as a scientist, the statistics and the evidence hold greater sway over me than mere speculations and opinions, no matter how passionately they are expressed. From what I've gathered, the results are 50/50. By results, I refer to what happened after cohabitation was established. Are they happier with their relationships now? From the stories I've read, it seems some expressed regret, some got married/engaged/are living happily in their new lives, while others suffered the long journey back to where they started, sans a partner. This is despite the known fact that most people who are happy tend to continue living their happy lives instead of posting about them on the internet. With that in mind, I think there are thousands of unsung happy endings happening out there which will very likely tip the scale in favor of cohabitation. That's another factor that's making me lean more and more towards deciding to live with my boyfriend.

Anyway, long post, but there it is. So excited to hear more of everyone's opinions since this topic is so very close to home for me.

[lyonsgirl]

So... general question. Do you think living together is a major life decision?

As for living together before marriage? I could go either way. I understand why people choose to do it, and I understand why people don't. I don't, however, understand why people choose not to and then bitch about it every chance they get. (No one on here - RL friend in a CD relationship.)

[phoenix-]

Major with a capital M, lol! Yes, definitely. I also think getting a room mate is a huge decision, though. Moving in with someone is ten times more major than that, I think.

[kteire]

I think I agree with some of the ideas you listed in the first post, but maybe in a different way than the author intended. I agree with Zephii that for most of us, moving in together isn't something that just happens, because I also had to go through a long process to do it.

I do think that some people who are CD do move in together through necessity or ease rather than because they have really thoroughly thought about how much of a step that is. I know a number of people who've lived with multiple SO's after being together for a short time (my older sister moved in with one particularly too quickly and they got a dog together, and broke up a while after). So I think for those couples it's too soon and that will affect the success rate of the relationship, because I do think that moving in together is a major step. A good friend of mine considers moving in together to be the biggest step in a relationship, because she doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have kids - so moving in for her is making the commitment to be together for the rest of their lives.

I think moving in together before marriage is a good idea, and it's worked out well for my SO and I. There are definitely loads of traits about a person that it really is impossible to learn if you're not living together. I think 99% of them aren't deal breakers, but if there is something else I'd want to know before legally committing myself to someone. My SO NEVER closes cupboard doors or drawers unless I remind him, and he always forgets to turn off the light when he leaves a room, and I'm sure he's picked up on some of my quirks, but none of them have been massive and I'm relieved that I know there aren't any nasty surprises now

ETA: I'm also curious about where people get these stats on how likely a relationship is to fail if you move in together before marriage, because I've seen a million different conflicting views!! I kind of always figure that the divorce rates are lower in people who don't live together before marriage because I have the impression that it's more religious people who do that - and most of my religious friends would die before getting a divorce, no matter the circumstances.

[kittyo9]

I don't think of moving in together, in general, as a really major life decision. I think it's definitely a bigger decision for LD couples than for CD couples.

I think it is important to think about the implications, for sure, but I've been living with roommates (sometimes crazy ones) for 5 years now because of university, and chances are if my SO and I were CD, he would be spending many, many nights at my place (or I at his) anyway. We're really committed to one another, and I think we passed the "I would be willing to live with you" milestone a long, long time ago. It would make financial and practical sense for us to move in together, and for those reasons, I don't really think it would be a big deal at all if we were CD.

LD is a much bigger decision because very few people want to move across the country/world for their SO only to live in separate places. I think there is obviously a lot of planning and thought that needs to go into that kind of decision, but it's not just because it's cohabitation-- it's because of all the other things that have to change along with it, including, most often, job changes, school changes, lifestyle changes, and leaving behind family and friends. That is a lot different than living in close proximity and then moving in together.

[lyonsgirl]

Just had to throw this beauty out here. I love the oatmeal.

[Zephii]

Lyonsgirl, that is gold!

[lovemylabpnut]

I don't think that living together before married changes the commitment or avenue that a relationship with go or end.

I speak from a personal side. I lived with my x-husband for about 8 months before we were married. Engaged after we lived together a short time. I ended the marriage because of affairs and lies along with abuse. This goes with others views that sometimes break-up have nothing to do with the livign arrangements before wedding. I don't regret the divorce, the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it years ago. But I wasn't ready and didn't see the issues either.

FOrward to now. I am in a relationship with someone that lived with his kids mom and bought a house with her and was engaged to her. But because of what was going on in their lives and she didn't like where his plans in life were going it caused stress and the relationship ended. Yet they co-parent very well for the kids sake. I am in no hurry to have a piece of paper to tell me that my relationship is commited. That paper and rings don't prevent cheating or lying. I don't see myself getting married and he knows this and we have already been cohabitating when he is home. Does this mean that our relation ship is doomed from the start. I don't because its about the commitment between the couple not about everything else.

[SeeRat]

I'm going to be the odd duck here, again. Stephen and I are VERY traditional and old fashioned. That's just how we were raised. You date, get engaged, get married, move in together, and then have children. That's the order for us. And I don't mind it one bit. I love him enough to where I can get used to any quirks or annoying habits that he has (and trust me, he and I BOTH have very annoying habits) but that's just who he is. I don't see living together first as a "trial" to see if I like how he acts.

But that's just us. Honestly, I find it nice since we're in a time where premarital sex and cohabitation is the "norm." It's nice to be able to say that we're totally okay with doing it our way in our faith and beliefs.

Same for me :P ANd its not just because of tradition its about my religion faith and belief also... We both have been raised like this.. And we are perfectly okay about it..

[SeeRat]

Lyonsgirl the pros and cons are awesome

[chizatlauren]

Same for me :P ANd its not just because of tradition its about my religion faith and belief also... We both have been raised like this.. And we are perfectly okay about it..

I was also raised to believe in marriage first before living together, and I think I do prefer being surprised by how loud my SO snores and how his fart smells after the wedding. I'm excited of feeling the bliss of domesticated life together after getting married rather than before.

But I really don't mind if people do it first before marriage, whatever works for others might not work for me.