Getting married at 19?

[Malaga]

I feel as if I'm robbing myself of a proper youth.

I get you, I think, and I agree with your view. There's a very short time frame when being carefree and putting yourself first is socially acceptable. I don't mean it in a selfish and immature way. Even though marriage is essentially just a committed relationship with a ring, it's still more formal, I mean you make a vow to put your spouse first and to do all that you can to make the marriage last forever - you don't have to make that kind of explicit and formal promise in a relationship, even if it's implied. I don't think marriage is anything like a prison or extra hard work, but I do think it's more of a contract which is by default more intimidating.

I feel like 'just' a relationship, even if it's committed, still leaves you room to pursue your personal goals - anything which temporarily prevents or slows you from 'settling down', idk, a semester abroad or a work contract, going back to school etc. Sure people do that when they're married too, but there's often more of a psychological burden and social pressure to 'honour the contract' you signed and settle down, pull your weight, contribute to the household, etc.

[Captivated]

Just wanted to add something. Those of you saying you know people who were married when they were young and have lasted 30+ years together, you also have to keep in mind that getting married in the 40s and 50s and even as early as the 80s was DRASTICALLY different that getting married today. Times are not the same. I don't think you can really compare the two.

My mom was married at 21, still married today. But she has no idea what her passions are. She gets depressed more. And she's just wondering what there is left to live for? She married too young (even if that was the 80s). She didn't know herself back then and sure as heck probably doesn't know herself now. Even though they're "happily" married today after 33 years.

[TwoThree]

^ Yep. People tend to idealize such relationship even though close scrutiny today would show that many of those aren't really "happy marriages". And back in the day there was much more of a stigma on divorce and divorced people, so many couples stayed together just out of principle.

[floridaellen]

I'm 20. I'm getting married next year at 21. I think if you are not 100% confident in your decision, you should wait. It is your decision and we cannot make it for you.

[digitalfever]

^ Yep. People tend to idealize such relationship even though close scrutiny today would show that many of those aren't really "happy marriages". And back in the day there was much more of a stigma on divorce and divorced people, so many couples stayed together just out of principle.

I’d say it’s the equivalent to people romanticising the 20’s through 50’s. They focus on what seemed “right” or beautiful about the time and forget about the war, poverty, recession etc... but at least they had awesome fashion and red lipstick was like the bombdiggity, right? But... people will always focus on the fact that a marriage lasted 20 years rather than understanding the sacrifices, hardships, social expectations that sort of formed the marriage and kept it going...even if being married to that person was the pits.

[teachernicole]

I think I have an unpopular opinion! I'm getting married at 19, in December. It's a personal decision. There's no reason to put someone down for making that decision for themselves. However, it would be wrong to say that anyone at 19 can make this decision!!

[Verojoon]

I scanned the thread quickly... Hopefully I am expanding on the topic and not repeating everyone else... I think what it takes to make a marriage work is only indirectly related to age... It is about the people's personality (not only how well they are together but just the type of personality they have as far as how they will progress and grow individually.) Some people start off on a path and they grow up in a very linear fashion, strive on the expected and the familiar and they may be better candidates for young marriage (or successful marriage at all...)

Some of us (maybe most?) need to find ourselves... In this case, it's still not about age, but about a progression that happens with age... And to be honest, even at 33, I'm still changing and evolving as a person... The difference between me at 33 and me at 19? I'm a lot more aware of the process, and as such I can evaluate thought, feelings, decisions, more accurately...

I didn't marry at 19, but I moved in with my boyfriend (now ex-husband). I took the commitment very seriously... so I might as well have been married. He was my best friend. The fun we had together!! The first year, I was 19 and my hormones were crazy... whenever he tried to be sexy, it annoyed me... but I ignored that and I wanted him all the time... Then, I wasn't so sex-crazed anymore... so I really didn't want him... I hated it when he touched me... but he was my best friend. I wanted a life with him... We were still growing up and changing and we became closer and closer as friends... I started feeling like I couldn't live without him... But I didn't want him... and I hated myself... I had so much guilt...

Everywhere you look people say it takes effort to make a relationship work... I kept on getting the awful feeling I wasn't making enough of an effort... I hated that I couldn't figure out how to make myself want to make that effort... A few times I tried to leave him... Always when I felt myself attracted to someone else... He was my best friend, why would I leave him? But then, I'd have this guilt and pain, and it festered and it chipped away at our relationship... little by little I relinquished all control of my person to him because I felt guilty and worthless... when I tried to leave him he fell appart...

I did stupid things then to try to fix my relationship... I got married... I had children... these things gave me temporary happiness...

Anyways, I'm not telling you by any means that you are going to end up like me... I'm telling you my story so that you can compare it to yours and see if there is anything you can take away from it...

Good luck making your decision but if you aren't 100% sure, what's the harm of waiting a little? Divorce isn't the end of the world... but it comes with a lot of hurt and scarring... I'd avoid it if at all possible...

[Xanahtas]

I'm 18, married 10 days ago. In short- I dont believe you can judge whether your ready by age, marriage is no more work than a normal relationship, it doesnt always change the dynamics of a relationship or become harder for you and if it does, something is wrong.

I know that marriage will not make us more serious or change the dynamics, for us so far its made us closer as a couple. Marriage shouldnt mean you cant be childish together.

Dont let people tell you your too young or that you're making a mistake by marrying, or that it'll change the dynamics. Its personal choice and only YOU can know whether you're ready or not and it's different for everyone. Just dont marry unless you are totally 110% sure its the right time for you.

[princessmaria]

I'm 18, married 10 days ago. In short- I dont believe you can judge whether your ready by age, marriage is no more work than a normal relationship, it doesnt always change the dynamics of a relationship or become harder for you and if it does, something is wrong.

I know that marriage will not make us more serious or change the dynamics, for us so far its made us closer as a couple. Marriage shouldnt mean you cant be childish together.

Dont let people tell you your too young or that you're making a mistake by marrying, or that it'll change the dynamics. Its personal choice and only YOU can know whether you're ready or not and it's different for everyone. Just dont marry unless you are totally 110% sure its the right time for you.

I've been waiting for your response to this, actually. Thanks for your input. I'll shoot you a PM when I have more time on my hands because I'm really curious to know how you and your SO came to the conclusion of marriage and how it's working out for you.

[Xanahtas]

I've been waiting for your response to this, actually. Thanks for your input. I'll shoot you a PM when I have more time on my hands because I'm really curious to know how you and your SO came to the conclusion of marriage and how it's working out for you.

I've been meaning to reply to this a lot earlier but been in Prague since monday so I'll look out for your message!

[MadMolly]

I don't see the point of rushing into marriage. It doesn't make any difference to the relationship really. Just live together for a few years instead - married or not, you'll go through the same highs and lows. You just won't have a messy divorce if it doesn't work out!

That said, sometimes you have to get married for a visa whatever. That's when it gets more complicated...

[Scottish love]

I have watched couples thrive and fail when married at this age, but then again people who are 30 have marriages fail. I say to follow your heart and if you are doubting going through with it, don't do it. Just try living together. That would be the "next step" that you should try before leaping into marriage. If he really loves you he will understand.

[VeraRyan]

No ones to judge. If you know its right, its right. If you have doubts wait a little longer. I am getting married at 23. I dont need anyones opinion. I am sure and so is my fiancee.

[differentcountries]

The most important thing is how you feel about yourself and your partner, and how you have been coping in the relationship so far (to shy of conflict, or too confrontational, for example). At the same time, most people shift a lot in their youth and seek to find their own way. Sometimes when people settle young they interrupt their own search for self.

I will not say I regret marrying my ex at 23, for us it was a matter of demonstrating to ourselves how we felt and also that we regarded ourselves a proper couple. At the time too, I think we had to get married in order to have kids legally. I am not sure of what to blame; our age, or our differences, perhaps a little bit of both. Perhaps we should have split up instead of marrying. What I do know, is that we knew eacht other less than we thought. We also knew the relationship less than we thought. She had very mixed feelings about things, about life really and I did not take that seriously enough, I thought she would outgrow it. After we split up, she went on a big "I have to find myself"-tour (literally - she spent her share of the money we earned on our flat to travel to India, Africa and South America) while I got together with and married someone else. The irony is that she now lives a stable life (she was afraid of becoming bored), while I travel the globe. Boy have we both changed and changed back! I am REALLY happy we did not have kids, though.

[MyHindiHeart]

I would suggest not rushing into it, regardless of how much you may feel like you love each other. Love waits, you know? Wait until you are really ready, but understand this... Couples either A) marry, or, B) break up. Live like you know you will never be apart, and there will be no need to rush marriage.