Marriage talk with your SO

[Paris]

Yup my bf and I have talked about marriage, family and where we would live and what kind of house we would like. It's funny because he brought it up before I did and he makes more comments about it than I do. I feel the same way but I am not use to my bf being the one who brings it up. He has made many comments that leave me speechless and not really knowing what to say.. He knows how I feel and I would spend the rest of my life with him happily, even if it takes years for us to be together. I can travel as long as he needs me to. I can't move with him just yet because I have school but when I am done I would hope by then we will live together but if not then I will see him as much as possible until we do.

I think talking about kids I enjoyed most. We both want the same things and I have never been this happy. It's nice.

[kasia516]

we used to a bit, then one of our biggest arguments stemmed from it. i want to elope, ESPECIALLY since we're in an international relationship, its ridiculous to expect everyone to fly over to england for my wedding (which is where it will be cuz its romantic and has castles). he wants a wedding and his parents would be angry if he eloped. which annoys me because marriage is about the two people, not anyone else.
plus it would be so expensive for my family to fly over for one weekend and pay for a place to stay, which is something his family doesnt have to worry about. im also worried none of my friends would come to my wedding if its in england because it would be expensive for them. so he'd have his family and friends and id just have my sisters and parents.
so we stopped talking about it completely. which is fine, we're dating not engaged, and we have plenty of time before it happens.

[SciFiFreak185]

My SO brings it up, at least a few times a week usually. He has repeatedly mistakenly called me his wife, and referred to himself as my husband. I think its funny. I'm not big on the marriage thing. To me there is 1 reason to actually get married, so that my spouse could adopt my son. Everything else, living together, sharing bills, sex, love, spending time together, doesn't require marriage. Honestly the idea scares me a bit. My SO is convinced he's "going to get me used to the idea." I tell him that with the exception of step-parent adoption I don't see much of a point, but a long term relationship is fine (and doesn't scare me). I probably just want to be able to up and leave if things go bad and not have to pay for, and deal with, a divorce. Anyway, this is one of the few things my SO and I have different opinions on. For example, he asked me while I was up visiting what I thought of his last name. I told him it was his, and it wasn't easily changeable, I didn't think much else of it. He then said okay miss Vulcan what would you think about my last name being yours someday. I told him that I loved him very much and I wanted to be with him forever, but even if I did marry him I wouldn't take his last name, as I consider it horrendously sexist. At which point he brainstormed for a bit about various names we could have.

[Silviar]

All of the replies here are really interesting. I've noticed a trend that some people seem to imply or think that talking about marriages means a couple is hammering out all of the details or like it's the focal point of their discussions/relationship. For my boyfriend and I, at least, we've talked about getting married, and yes, we've talked about kids and where to live, but it's not a constant topic and the only thing we ever discuss.

For us, it only comes up every once in awhile where one of us will comment something like what happened right before Matt left. He told me how his mum said she thought it'd be awesome if we had the wedding in America because then she'd have an excuse to come visit the US. Or if one of us notices something that's a plus or minus to having the wedding in the US versus Australia, we'll make the comment, but nothing's been decided, nor would we until we're ready to do the planning because there's no point setting things in stone when you don't know where you're going to be by the time you get to that point.

For us, discussing our relationship keeps us in check with where we're both at currently, and our thoughts about the future, but we have lots of other things we talk about and do in the current times. You have to be able to live in the present and for the future.

[noodle]

We have, many times
I personally would talk about it all the time but Im holdin back ^^ First of cause I know Im a dreamer and I need to stay on the ground haha
But it's mostly him starting Yet we only dream together cause we both know we first have to finish college and get a proper job
I love how he always says it (Imma quote it) "I first have to finish college and get a good degree and therefore a good job so I can earn money for us and our kids" ^^

[squiddie]

I figure we'll have plenty of time to talk about it when we're engaged, and I know he likes the 'mystery'... I'm starting to like it too. Thinking of marriage doesn't stress me out though.

Can I ask why it's stressful?

It's not so much the thought of being married that's stressful...It's the crap I'm going to have to deal with in the process.

I'm not a center of attention sort of person, I'd be just fine and dandy with running off, getting the signature from a court clerk, and going on with life. A wedding terrifies me, and the fact that there is so much emphasis on this one day. It's supposed to be the "best day of your life". I'm sorry, I don't want the best day of my life to be when I'm 20-something at a party I'm going to hate because I don't want 100 people staring at me the whole day. I want the best day of my life to be every day thereafter.

I'd rather skip the wedding and get on to the being married part, especially as we want to spend some time just being married before we have kids. I think a family can be just two people, we don't need to have babies right away.

[garnet]

We talked about it quite a bit before we ever met. Quite strange to be certain you're going to marry someone you've never laid eyes on IRL!

[blankita719]

We talk about it fairly often, in that "when we get married you'll do this and I'll do that" generic talk. He wants to wait until we're in the same place before we do get married. Although, before I came home from my last visit and I was wavering whether or not I would actually make the plane, he said he knew the quickest way to the courthouse and Justice of the Peace We have talked about what month we prefer to get married (he picks May), and how we want our boys to be part of it. Nothing set in stone, just fun future talks.

[Trethsparr]

It's not so much the thought of being married that's stressful...It's the crap I'm going to have to deal with in the process.

I'm not a center of attention sort of person, I'd be just fine and dandy with running off, getting the signature from a court clerk, and going on with life. A wedding terrifies me, and the fact that there is so much emphasis on this one day. It's supposed to be the "best day of your life". I'm sorry, I don't want the best day of my life to be when I'm 20-something at a party I'm going to hate because I don't want 100 people staring at me the whole day. I want the best day of my life to be every day thereafter.

I'd rather skip the wedding and get on to the being married part, especially as we want to spend some time just being married before we have kids. I think a family can be just two people, we don't need to have babies right away.

Accurate. The more difficulties I run up against (finances, family), the better and better elopement is sounding. ;D

But, really, my SO and I are both the type to want to have the traditional wedding, so we're planning to have one. It's just going to be a lot of work to get there... but I imagine the time's only going to speed by in the process.

[squiddie]

Accurate. The more difficulties I run up against (finances, family), the better and better elopement is sounding. ;D

But, really, my SO and I are both the type to want to have the traditional wedding, so we're planning to have one. It's just going to be a lot of work to get there... but I imagine the time's only going to speed by in the process.

It's not even the finance and family stress...I just want to skip that whole part all together. It's not anything I've ever really wanted for myself. Out of all of the marriage stuff...the wedding is the last thing I ever want to discuss.

[Zephii]

I suppose you could just not have an actual wedding... if you wouldn't regret it. Would Penn be up for that?

[Cali2LDN]

My SO and I had a very rocky past where we were on and off again for a little period of time it wasn't until we both realized that our life was crap without each other and we could not be apart. We both talked about how far we want our relationship to go and we both came to the conclusion that we want to get married. Even though we are not engaged officially he still calls me his fiance and his parents are calling me their daughter inlaw lol. It really is cute Plus he lives in the UK and I live in the US so of coarse we talk about marriage a lot because if we do get married we have to figure out if we wanna live in the US or the UK etc etc.

[squiddie]

I suppose you could just not have an actual wedding... if you wouldn't regret it. Would Penn be up for that?

I have no idea. The few times I brought up eloping, he's made an argument for having a full wedding, with friends and family, ceremony, reception, the whole shebang.

I am almost 100% certain I wouldn't regret it. I don't mind going to other people's weddings, but they really aren't for me.

Of course, I also thought I'd never be in the position to get married in the first place, so this really hasn't become an issue until the last year or so. I've never been the "dreaming about my wedding since I was 3" girl, and now it just gives me more anxiety than anything else...isn't it supposed to excite you?

The last time I had a party thrown where I was the center of attention (my 21st birthday), I tried to fight it for weeks, ended up with a party that was something I would have never wanted anyway (a classy dress party, I am almost exclusively a jeans and t-shirt person), and I wanted to duck out and hide for 2/3 of the party because I was tired of people staring at me. I didn't like birthday parties growing up, my high school graduation party was painful (my parents didn't want to have one, they know me, but my grandma threw it anyway). I just really would prefer to go about everything quietly.

[FireflyGal]

We talk about this a lot. John brings it up--I think he knows that I enjoy it, and I think he likes it, too. Usually, we have very real, down-to-earth discussions, as we know that an engagement is pending, along with his moving here to his own place while we are engaged, and that we know roughly when we're thinking we want to tie the knot. There's a lot of issues to work out, for us, trying to figure out how to get all of our family in one place. We've talked a lot about how we can cut some corners in order to provide a place to stay for his family up here and help with their transportation costs, as we've pretty much decided we'd like to get married up "North". It doesn't help that we keep getting to go to weddings together....everyone I know seems to be getting hitched!

Mostly, though, we talk about those more immediate plans: getting engaged and his moving up here after graduation this spring. There are lots of details to spend time daydreaming about!

Eeeee! Excited!

[SeattleLove]

My SO and I talk about our future-wedding a lot, but we both know that an engagement has to wait a few more years. I'm kind of old-fashioned that way and I feel like people would judge me if I was engaged now. And I don't want to be engaged forever anyway...
Like I said, we talk about it a lot, plan it, where to get married and how and with whom, but we don't set the time yet. It's really nice to talk about it, because it shows me how serious our relationship is and how important I am for him. He likes it the best to talk about our honeymoon, because we both are so mcuh into traveling and we want our honeymoon to be at a place far away
Also, my SO knows I want a very special proposal I can't wait for it....