Engagement over Skype?

[louisanna6]

My SO lives in Nepal. I won't get to see him until about June 2012.

I want to bring him home with me on a fiance visa. I feel like he's been getting me to think along those lines for a few months now. At first I was hesitant because I am only 20 and I just wasn't sure what the family and everything would think. But, as time has moved forward, I've really grown quite comfortable with he idea of being with him for my whole life. And I know he feels the same.

Having said that, we never officially proposed or anything yet. We kinda both agreed that the fiance visa was the best, and we share the relevant feelings about being married. I know we both have that commitment there, so the engagement is really just a formality.

Having said that, I'm pretty sure it is an important formality in terms of getting the visa. But, the only way this is going to go down given the time frame we want, is if the proposal happens over skype. I'm not super endeared to this whole engagement thing, but I really do not like the idea of being proposed to over skype.

Any advice on how I can get over my beef with a Skype proposal?

[ChibiFelicia]

Dont quote me on this but the fiance visa will require proof of an ongoing bonafide relationship and i read on visajourney.com (great info for immigration visas) that engagment photos are liked but are not mandatory. Im sure that since you have both spoken about it that you know what the visa requires.

I personally (nor my man) would be able to do it over skype. I mean you're young and the visa takes a while anyway. Idont know your story but would waiting till you see each other in june be too long of a wait?

[louisanna6]

Dont quote me on this but the fiance visa will require proof of an ongoing bonafide relationship and i read on visajourney.com (great info for immigration visas) that engagment photos are liked but are not mandatory. Im sure that since you have both spoken about it that you know what the visa requires.

I personally (nor my man) would be able to do it over skype. I mean you're young and the visa takes a while anyway. Idont know your story but would waiting till you see each other in june be too long of a wait?

We have pictures etc. to prove our relationship is real. We don't have engagement photos per say but I don't think those are required. There isn't anything about the proposal being mandatory to have transpired in the flesh. But yeah, I've poured over all the things relating to the fiance visa. Ultimately, we are going to get a lawyer to help us out because its too much for just the two of us to take on by ourselves.

Visas take typically 5-6 months to process. This means there is a chance he could actually come home with me on my June visit. I'm a student, so going to see him before that would be really challenging to my school work. It is a long time to wait, but him and me are doing an amazing job staying close and happy. We went into the relationship knowing that the next time we could see each other would be in June. So far, we are doing ok with the waiting to see each other. Its really hard, but we work through the challenges together.

[ChibiFelicia]

i wish you both all the best. But if it's the over skype thing that you have a problem with then well all i can say is, it shouldnt matter. If you're both comfortable with doing it then go for it. It doesnt matter how other ppl feel, its just if it's right for oyu both.

[nicole]

Just to let you know, the K1's are taking around 7 months these days. I'm nearly 5 months in and not even an NOA2 yet.

There is no need for a formal proposal, the only condition really is you having met in person within the last 2 years. So long as you intend to marry within the 90 days once he arrives on the visa, he could propose soon after he arrives if you don't want a proposal over skype.

[ChibiFelicia]

ah 5 months in? woah it is taking a while now aint it? We're hoping to do the cr1 but we got a couple more years of LD before we do that.

@nicole i didnt think of the proposing after they arrive, thats a great idea! OP wont have to "get over her beef" with a skype proposal xD

[CynicalQuixotic]

Okay, I'll be the one to say this.

I want to bring him home with me on a fiance visa. I feel like he's been getting me to think along those lines for a few months now. At first I was hesitant because I am only 20 and I just wasn't sure what the family and everything would think. But, as time has moved forward, I've really grown quite comfortable with he idea of being with him for my whole life. And I know he feels the same.

I understand that immigration complicates things--believe me, I do. And I also understand wanting to close the distance with the person you love as soon as possible. But, you only just met this guy this summer--all things considered, 3-5 months really isn't that long a time to know somebody, and marriage is a very big decision. The wording of this paragraph concerns me--he's been "getting you to think" about marriage? You're young and he's in a country in political turmoil--I don't want to come out and accuse him of anything, obviously, I have no idea what your situation is beyond what you share here, but the hastiness in which marriage is entering the equation is a bit of a red flag for me, honestly.

I think you guys should visit each other again next June, and then maybe talk about marriage.

[louisanna6]

@ChibiFelicia I am doing my best to remember other people's ideas don't matter. I know how deep our feelings are and I know this is the most important thing. But sometimes I still worry about my family and friends accepting my relationship. Especially since I effectively lost my best friend because of my relationship. It just makes me nervous.

@nicole Yeah I've heard that too. When I get to Nepal in June I am staying until August, so assuming we start in January, which is the plan, 7 months still works in the big plan. I will ask him about maybe doing an official proposal once he arrives. I think that's a good idea.

[louisanna6]

I understand that immigration complicates things--believe me, I do. And I also understand wanting to close the distance with someone you love as soon as possible. But, you only just met this guy this summer--all things considered, 3-5 months really isn't that long a time to know somebody, and marriage is a very big decision. The wording of this paragraph concerned me--he's been "getting you to think" about marriage? You're young and he's in a country in political turmoil--I don't want to come out and accuse him of anything, obviously, I have no idea what your situation is beyond what you share here, but the hastiness in which marriage is entering the equation is a bit of a red flag for me, honestly.

I think you guys should visit each other again next June, and then maybe talk about marriage.

Well maybe my wording was unfortunate. His English isn't that great, and my wording was more a reflection on this than anything deceptive on his part. His way of suggesting this was really based on his deep feelings. He expressed them to me in terms of a long term scale. It wasn't like he was hinting that we should get married to close the distance. In fact we are both deeply committed to the being together irrelevant of the distance. Obviously the distance is a stresser, but really we both went into this knowing that it would be. I actually think he is skeptical we will get the visa. He knows some people in his family who tried to come to the US on a student visa who were denied. So, he isn't entirely convinced things will work out on the fiance visa. We are both very careful to keep in mind what that our love is more important than distance or visas or marriage or any of that.

Basically all the reasons you mentioned are the reasons I don't think people will accept my relationship as authentic. I am aware of all of these potential red flags. I have been on the lookout for signs that he is just trying to get out of his situation from the start. I have thought about all the possible things that could be happening in this situation, and given his actions, words, and how he treated me the 6 weeks I spent with him, I am confident that his motivations are pure. But yeah, I get the skepticism.

[Moon]

Okay, I'll be the one to say this.



I understand that immigration complicates things--believe me, I do. And I also understand wanting to close the distance with the person you love as soon as possible. But, you only just met this guy this summer--all things considered, 3-5 months really isn't that long a time to know somebody, and marriage is a very big decision. The wording of this paragraph concerns me--he's been "getting you to think" about marriage? You're young and he's in a country in political turmoil--I don't want to come out and accuse him of anything, obviously, I have no idea what your situation is beyond what you share here, but the hastiness in which marriage is entering the equation is a bit of a red flag for me, honestly.

I think you guys should visit each other again next June, and then maybe talk about marriage.

Errrr.....This.

You can't even legally have a drink (in the US) and you're letting a guy from a country where there isn't a ton of opportunity talk you into bringing him into your country for marriage. Imagine if you were reading your story as someone else for a minute. I know you want to physically be with him, we all want that, but you are very young yet and you've only known each other a very short time, I don't think an engagement at this point in time is the best idea. If you really think you want to spend a lifetime together, what's the rush? Once you get him here, how will you support each other financially? Marriage is a huge, life changing (not always for the better either) event, make damn sure you're actually ready, please.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Well maybe my wording was unfortunate. His English isn't that great, and my wording was more a reflection on this than anything deceptive on his part. His way of suggesting this was really based on his deep feelings. He expressed them to me in terms of a long term scale. It wasn't like he was hinting that we should get married to close the distance. In fact we are both deeply committed to the being together irrelevant of the distance. Obviously the distance is a stresser, but really we both went into this knowing that it would be. I actually think he is skeptical we will get the visa. He knows some people in his family who tried to come to the US on a student visa who were denied. So, he isn't entirely convinced things will work out on the fiance visa. We are both very careful to keep in mind what that our love is more important than distance or visas or marriage or any of that.

Basically all the reasons you mentioned are the reasons I don't think people will accept my relationship as authentic. I am aware of all of these potential red flags. I have been on the lookout for signs that he is just trying to get out of his situation from the start. I have thought about all the possible things that could be happening in this situation, and given his actions, words, and how he treated me the 6 weeks I spent with him, I am confident that his motivations are pure. But yeah, I get the skepticism.

I do want to mention that him having less than 100% pure motives was definitely not the first thing to come to my mind--as I said, I don't doubt that you two love each other very much and being long distance is damn hard--but I thought I'd put it out there just in case.

I'm sorry you two are in such a tough position, and I do wish you luck with whatever you decide. You seem to be covering all your bases, so to speak, but I don't necessarily think marriage is the answer at this point.

[louisanna6]

Errrr.....This.

You can't even legally have a drink (in the US) and you're letting a guy from a country where there isn't a ton of opportunity talk you into bringing him into your country for marriage. Imagine if you were reading your story as someone else for a minute. I know you want to physically be with him, we all want that, but you are very young yet and you've only known each other a very short time, I don't think an engagement at this point in time is the best idea. If you really think you want to spend a lifetime together, what's the rush? Once you get him here, how will you support each other financially? Marriage is a huge, life changing (not always for the better either) event, make damn sure you're actually ready, please.

I understand your concerns. And given as little about the situation as I have thus far revealed, I would almost expect people to voice these concerns. However, the details of my situation actually answer a lot of your concerns.

I am not being driven by a desire to have him with me physically. The physical thing is a stressor, as I said, but it is not important. Our love is important. And love doesn't exist temporally or in terms of location. I have a stable financial situation and I have thought that part of the situation through. The only rush is a matter of convenience. This is a good moment in the forseeable future for us to do this. I think it is the right moment to give us the best chance of success. This is mostly related to our career desires. My SO wanted to come to a foreign country to study English at about this time, and I will have the time to help him adjust to living here before my studies get more intense. It is a life changing decision, but I have thought about all of the ways this can go horribly horribly wrong. And, I feel like these consequences are things I am willing to risk. In love there are always risks. In my situation they might be more obvious, but I am not going into this blindly. I really have thought hard about it.

[Xanahtas]

Wow this is a sticky situation. I agree with CynicalQuixotic and Moon. You two have only been together for 4 months and getting engaged anytime soon is a tad too soon. Im not doubting that you two love each other, but its sudden. I know that after 4 months of being with my SO i would have wanted to get engaged then and and have him move here - looking back on it, it wouldnt have been a good idea. Me and my SO got engaged when we had been together just over a year and im stil lonly 16; crazy huh?
I understand that you want to be with him now and get a visa and everything, but its all a bit soon. My advice would be wait until June 2012 and see how you feel about it all then. And if you want to get engaged and get the visa, at least then you've had time to make sure thats what you want. Marriage, as moon said, is a huge deal. You have to know thats definately what you want. I think though in your case its too soon for marriage to close the distance.
You mentioned him wanting to study english? Why cant he use a student visa and move there. That would then give you two time to consider things and get to know each other more. But i really do think marraige is waay too soon for you two.

[louisanna6]

Its illegal for him to come on a student visa if he has any intentions with me. The consequences are jail time and a steep fine. So that's out.

I do wonder why you all put so much into marriage. I put my values in love. I come from a family with divorced parents. I learned that love is the thing that matters, not the labels we put on it. I really think marriage is as big a deal as you make it. I dont think love can overcome all, logistics are very important too. However, I have reasonable ways to account for the logistics.

I also wonder how you are all so confident that it is too soon. Really you guys do not have a lot of information to make those claims except the typical evolution of events. These decisions are incredibly tailored to the individuals involved. I don't understand how everyone is willing to make such strong comments when they know so little.

[Haley53]

Its illegal for him to come on a student visa if he has any intentions with me. The consequences are jail time and a steep fine. So that's out.

I do wonder why you all put so much into marriage. I put my values in love. I come from a family with divorced parents. I learned that love is the thing that matters, not the labels we put on it. I really think marriage is as big a deal as you make it. I dont think love can overcome all, logistics are very important too. However, I have reasonable ways to account for the logistics.

I also wonder how you are all so confident that it is too soon. Really you guys do not have a lot of information to make those claims except the typical evolution of events. These decisions are incredibly tailored to the individuals involved. I don't understand how everyone is willing to make such strong comments when they know so little.

If anything, because being CD is a world apart from being LD. Being CD is an entirely different ball game and something you can't possibly be prepared for without trying it out first. Different people have different "requirements," so to speak, such as I couldn't get engaged and married to someone I'd only known for so long, been with for so long, and hadn't spent any time with in person aside from being on a holiday. Living together is a lot different than a visit and I think it's easy even for people who have been in their LDRs for years to forget that.

I also think that people can make their claims based on the fact you're so young, as is your relationship. Yes, it's tailored to the individuals is involved, that I agree with, and for some, marriages after a short time have worked, but there's also the fact that the honeymoon doesn't even wear off for most people until after the first year or two, even living together. There's a lot you don't know about each other that you can't possibly know. There are things about people you can't learn/find out because they told you or because you talk to them over a computer every day. I still learn new things about my partner and I've known him nearly three years! And though meeting him in person was wonderful and living with him for that month was wonderful, it was still entirely different to sitting and talking over Skype. Your age, too, is something to be considered. Your brain doesn't even stop developing until your mid-twenties and some even say late, and that part of the brain that takes so long to develop? Yeah, that's the part of the brain that makes critical, logical decisions.

I don't think people are doubting you or your relationship but I also wouldn't say that they're making claims based on knowing "little." I think there's a lot that you can grasp from listening to a third party because put simply, they aren't biased. They aren't in your situation and therefore don't have the same biased perspective, and we're all biased in our relationships. Does that mean the outside party is always right? No, because you're right, they don't have that insider perspective, but Moon and CQ bring up some very good points and I think they need to be considered.

No one's saying it won't work out, but people are saying it seems a little soon. Marriage is, yes, about love, not the label, but it's also real. You can't make a decision based on butterflies; you also have to make it based on logistics and consider any and all possibilities. You have to think about what happens if it doesn't work out, and you have to think about what's going to happen after the Visa. Say he gets approved (and it can take up to a year or more to be approved) and you get married. Then what? Are you living out on your own currently? Are you in school? What's his situation going to be like? Does he go to school, or has he gone and does he already have his degree? These days it's hard even to score a job at Taco Bell because everyone with or without a degree is applying for a job, in this economy. So does he have a plan for what he's going to do to support himself? Have you both worked out a budget and looked at what you're going to do after you get him to America?

I don't think what people are discouraging is the actual marriage but rather discouraging a snap decision. And even CD, 4-5 months is a little soon to be married, whether you're taking the relationship into consideration or not (as an individual item), and you're young regardless as well. You still have a lot of changing and growing to do and as shitty as it is, you need to be realistic enough to account for the fact you both may not change and grow together. I think spending time with one another, real and proper time, is what's necessary. Is there no way to get a work visa or a holiday visa first, so you can both spend an extended amount of time living together?