First time meeting:Is it ok for a guy to demand(!) I come to him first?

[monica7]

Hey guys Please forgive my english,its not my mother tongue..
I desperately desperately need an advice of someone who understands the situation and I'll be happy to hear any opinion,even very harsh..

I currently live in Israel and the guy is from Portugal. We met on facebook 3.5 years ago. He is single single and I'm a single mom of the perfect special needs boy.
Now I have a problem and I don't know what to do...I love that guy.Really really love him. He says he loves me too...We had millions of fights...said goodbye millions of times..He even dated someone else once (well I guess it wasn't just once but I know just about this one)...But somehow we always found our way back...
From the beginning he said that if I want to meet him I need to come to him first. Twice we talked about meeting "in the middle" and both times he refused explaining it as "not worth it" since I couldn't come for more than a few days (being single mom you know).
He refused to come here first and always gave different reasons. And I thought...well...Israel...maybe he is scared.

Twice I bought a ticket to Portugal...and cancelled. I don't know..Im afraid. Something weird always comes up. He doesn't want his family to know...and many many things that he says and does that just make me suspicious.
Last year I took my son to the eurodisney and I begged him every day out of ten to come and meet me.And he refused. I need to come to him. Period.
And I'm just scared..It's not just me...I have a son I'm responsible for..
I love him...he makes me laugh (which is rare)...he is my best friend..I need him...and I believe he likes talking to me..but it seems like he doesn't want to make any effort for me. And nothing matters...Not that I'm a single mom..not that my son has special needs..not that he is sick a lot..not that I have 1/10 of amount of vacations he has...not the fact his salary is five times bigger...I need to come to him. Period. And then he will come to me. That's his deal. And nothing can't turn him off of that deal.

What do I do? Please help. To go or not to go?

[Kristin91]

Twice I bought a ticket to Portugal...and cancelled. I don't know..Im afraid. Something weird always comes up. He doesn't want his family to know...and many many things that he says and does that just make me suspicious.

I think you've kind of answered your own question.... if he says and does things that make you suspicious, why are you even considering going to meet him? Like you said, you have your son to think about too, and I definitely agree that it the responsible decision. I can imagine how scary it is to admit that the last 3.5 years might end just like that, but you have to think about you and your son.

ETA: I also think you have to listen to your gut... you've cancelled your flight a few times now, I think that should tell you more than enough about how you feel.

[butterfly712]

I think you've kind of answered your own question.... if he says and does things that make you suspicious, why are you even considering going to meet him? Like you said, you have your son to think about too, and I definitely agree that it the responsible decision. I can imagine how scary it is to admit that the last 3.5 years might end just like that, but you have to think about you and your son.

ETA: I also think you have to listen to your gut... you've cancelled your flight a few times now, I think that should tell you more than enough about how you feel.

I agree,you have to think about your son,your son comes first,he needs you.

[snow]

He is being absolutely unreasonable. I would understand it if you had much more money and much more free time as him (though demanding is never ok :/), but when he already knows that you have a son who needs special care, he can't simply demand you need to come and see him first. That is not fair to you. If he has the funds and has the ability to take off more time than you, then he should be the one to come, not you.
I strongly believe that in a relationship, decisions like these need to be discussed together and the best option needs to be chosen, not the easiest for one party, the best for both.
Does he give any reasons why he doesn't want to come to you first? I would understand if he was scared, but there is always the option to meet somewhere in the middle and if he thinks it's not worth it to meet half-way and you have to pay for a trip yourself to visit him because only then it will be "worth it", then I think you need to think about what this says about him.

[monica7]

Thank you guys so much!!

I do really want to see him and I don't fall in love often (since my son's dad left us in 2005 I was alone taking care of myself,my mom and son) and with him it felt so good...even though he is a hothead and has an explosive temper...I got attached to him like to no one else before and that's why I feel so torn. I also agreed to his deal and feels like I didn't keep my word.

He gave so many "reasons" why he can't come first...He can't leave his Goddaughter (who also has her mother,two sisters and brother and she is 16 years old girl living in college), he doesn't like the heat,the culture is different,he didn't know the language...and the last was war and rockets which I could sort of understand but then...it happened just once in 3 last years and if that scares him...my visit will not change it...and it means he will never come..
And then he went to Dubai...to see ferrari exhibition...he left his goddaughter...heat,culture,language obviously were no longer an issue...

I'm just trying to understand...if my fears are reasonable..and what could be the real reason he didn't come here...

What Israel looks like to europeans and americans? Like a scary place? Bad place? Bad people? Because I know so many tourists come here every year...

And yes,he refused to meet half way. One time he agreed to Barcelona which is the closest to him,less money to pay,he has friends there etc etc...but then even that he cancelled.

Im just sad. Because it will end...and I really wanted "us" to happen...

Thank you guys so much <3

[monica7]

Oh I forgot to mention he has a week off every 35 days...and 3 weeks off in the summer..and 10 days off every 6 months. Earns 5000 euro a month...
Your guys send you presents? Because he never sent me anything

[randomnerd]

I echo what the others say. Trust your instincts. You already sound like you don't trust him completely based on what you said about him dating just one other person that you know of.

A week off every 35 days! Wow! Sounds lucky and sounds like he could make it happen if he was serious.

I know you've invested a lot of emotions into this already but I think you need to reevaluate your true feelings. Think of your son and think of yourself.

[differentcountries]

Oh I forgot to mention he has a week off every 35 days...and 3 weeks off in the summer..aInd 10 days off every 6 months. Earns 5000 euro a month...
Your guys send you presents? Because he never sent me anything

I am the one with holidays and a week off every month (for my studies), and compared to SO I make a lot of money. Mostly I am the one buying him presents, I don't want him to get me anything expensive but he has gotten me flowers and things like that. I use my week a month to go to him, every month. I make far less than 5000 Euro but I just make it happen, because it is very important for us to have "daily life" and not only vacation time together.

The war things may be a real issue to your SO (I have to admit, to me Israel=warzone), still it seems he has had more uppertunities to se you and are not jumping on any of them. For whatever reason, it is not happening. You could possably go to Dubai, since he obviously likes it there... If he can't pull anything off there is not much point... He doesn't sound very understanding of what you life situation is like. You should put your son first and also you need someone who you can be a partner with, especially since you son needs extra care. You don't want someone who wants it the way he wants it all the time, but someone more flexible. Can he be that guy? If not, I would just forget it if I were you.

[monica7]

I couldn't go to Dubai because first I'm not sure they would let me and maybe it's not even safe for me but I begged him to meet me in any european city and somehow it always ended as not worth it..."too expensive" for too little time I could afford...
and even if I come...his family wouldn't know about us being together...because he didn't want to worry his parents....why would they be worried?! He is 36 years old! I just don't understand that...

I know how Israel may look to people...and his opinion about us wasn't really pleasant...which I can also understand...but why insist on his country? It scares me to be honest...

He also thinks that men and women are equal....we are the same. in everything..there is no such thing as just being a gentleman..

Oh well...maybe it wasn't meant to happen...

Thank you so so much

[p_b82]

I have to echp the other comments, if this man loved you as much as he says he does then he could and should have compromised with the trip you took to Paris.

Irrespective of any of the reasons he has to not go to Isreal, that one above would have been the deciding factor for him.

I'd walk away, and tell him he is being unreasonable to not agree to a mid point - and cite his argument of going to dubai as nullifying a lot of the reasons he has given you.

I think you deserve some-one better than he is treating you!

[Harlequin]

I'm getting all sorts of red flags from this guy, to be completely honest, and I think you're right in being suspicious of him.
I personally don't trust his intentions at all, and I really don't think he cares about you as much as you care about him (as unfortunate as that is). He's shown a very blatant disregard for both you and your son, instead focusing entirely on himself and what he wants to do, and that's not how any relationship works. I'm also not buying that he views women and men as equals; it is coming off as more of an excuse as to why you need to go all the way out to him first without any sort of compromise, and it also sounds like he's using that as an excuse to be an asshole to you.

All of that aside, him having an explosive temper really concerns me. Regardless of how you feel for him, he is not the sort of person you should have in your life. You run the risk of that explosive temper happening in a physical way if you meet in person, which is very dangerous for you (and your son if he ever meets him). He just sounds like a very bad idea, if that makes any sense.

I really advise making any sort of arrangement to meet up with him. The only reasons he would be acting like this are very bad reasons, and I feel like you would be much safer as far away from him as possible. You seem like a very sweet, dedicated, and hard-working woman. There is someone out there who will recognize and admire this, and treat you far better.

[monica7]

Thank you!!!

I guess he didn't love me enough to make an effort....

I don't know maybe I'm being a paranoid but I just couldn't find an explanation to many things...maybe it's because he is lazy,maybe because he didn't find it worthy and maybe because he had some other motive...

[monica7]

Thank you soooo much!!!

He is bipolar...it usually goes from real high like non stop phone calls and compliments and promises and being there for 24/7 to the most down possible with such horrible insults I didn't know existed...After he "comes back" from that down he didn't really remember but he is aware of his problem and he feels sorry and I guess being a mom to a special needs child (my son is on autistic spectrum) I know what it's like to not be in control of what happens to you...And I felt sorry for him..like because of my personal experience I understand him more than anyone...
But you are so right in everything you said...And also I don't understand how he can't see that men and women are not equals in that issue...that's why men still walk girls home when it's late...Things that can happen to a girl are not the same...And if something happens to me what will happen to my son?

I was afraid of bad reasons....scared actually...

[monica7]

It's been like....
"If you fly to France or to Spain or to Italy it's really not a big deal for you to take another plane to Portugal....it is for you like it is for me"....That's what he told me...

And he also did that thing....no matter what I told him he turned it back at me...

I guess he is not the one

[vbnm247]

It's been like....
"If you fly to France or to Spain or to Italy it's really not a big deal for you to take another plane to Portugal....it is for you like it is for me"....That's what he told me...

And he also did that thing....no matter what I told him he turned it back at me...

I guess he is not the one

I would agree with the others. There should be no demands made, decisions should be discussed and weighed up then a decision made equally.

I think in your case he should come to you as you have a child to take care of and bringing a new guy into your life is a big decision for you and your child.

Also the money he pulls down he has no excuse not to have at least sent you a small gift or token of his effection.

I don't know if he is then one for you but I think you have been given some sound advice from the other forum users. I hope things work out for you and your son.