Doubt. There's nothing but doubt.
He says he wants me, that he wants me forever, that I'm not going to lose him, but hasn't he said all of it before? His mother passed away. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. A shitstorm of events followed. His life was turned completely upside down; it's still not back to being rightside-up. How could I possibly hold it against him for needing some time from the relationship to get on his feet, clear his head, sort out his own mess of thoughts? He's back to meaning everything he said before, he never once acted like anything but my boyfriend, so why don't I feel anything but anger and hurt and doubt?
It feels like this entire past week is the week I started to feel something, anything, the week I started to feel sad, hopeless, the week I started to accept that maybe everyone was wrong and maybe I was a fool for holding on, believing we had a chance, the week I started to feel something other than strength, which is what I'd been wanting. I'd been wanting the excuse to fall apart, the chance to cry, get everything out, and now I feel even more conflicted than I did before.
I already felt like I shouldn't be angry, or hurt, because I understood. I still understand. I've seen what the death of a parent can do. But at least I'd started to come to terms with that what I was feeling was normal, that a break-up follows a similar process to that of grief/loss because it is a loss, but now... Now I feel like I don't have a right, like I have less of a right than I did before. Why should I be angry when what he did may not be what everyone does but is somewhat normal and is, at the very least, understandable? Why should I feel betrayed when he continued to remain loyal and committed to me even when we were "broken up"/on break? Why should I feel hurt when things are back to the way they once were, or at least heading there? Why should I feel so scared and insecure when he's always, always been honest and communicative with me? Why do I doubt everything he says, from every "I love you" to him saying he would love for me to come in the summer which we're planning for? Why am I worried about him dumping me for someone else within that time even when no one else was ever involved?
I don't understand why I'm experiencing so much doubt and anger, feelings of depression and hopelessness and wanting to cry, at the same time as I'm experiencing happiness and wanting to trust him. It's like I'm doubting whether or not I want to be in the relationship at the same time as knowing that I do. I feel awkward talking about "us," awkward talking about my/our feelings, awkward talking about the future... I don't want it to be like this. It doesn't have to go back to the way it was before - I'm not asking or expecting that - I just don't want it to be, and hurt, like this.
I feel like I'm not the strong or mature or loving person everyone keeps saying I am. I feel hateful and angry and hurt and guilty for feeling the way I do and guilty for not being able to shrug it off. I feel weak and like a coward and undeserving. I feel lost and helpless and like I persevered because there was no other choice for me. I feel like people are treating me like I'm strong because I chose to stuck it out, but I'm not. I stuck it out because when you love someone that much... It's like there's a choice but it exists externally. I suppose it's technically there, but internally, it's not an option. When I laid out my options, leaving him was not one of them because that is not what you do if/when you love someone. So how am I strong for making a choice I didn't even give myself? Honestly, I don't know if it's because my period is due any day now or what, if it's because my emotions are flooding from the forces of repression or what, if I'm simply overwhelmed at his wanting me forever again or what - maybe it's all three - but right now I feel like I want to wallow and sink into the throes of self-pity and depression and do nothing but cry even if the tears aren't coming.
I feel like a mental. I should be happy, but right now, I'm not.
And knowing me, I'll regret posting this in the morning, because I don't want to change how anyone on this forum sees me (yes, I care that much, even if I shouldn't), but I need to get it out.
He says he wants me, that he wants me forever, that I'm not going to lose him, but hasn't he said all of it before? His mother passed away. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. A shitstorm of events followed. His life was turned completely upside down; it's still not back to being rightside-up. How could I possibly hold it against him for needing some time from the relationship to get on his feet, clear his head, sort out his own mess of thoughts? He's back to meaning everything he said before, he never once acted like anything but my boyfriend, so why don't I feel anything but anger and hurt and doubt?
It feels like this entire past week is the week I started to feel something, anything, the week I started to feel sad, hopeless, the week I started to accept that maybe everyone was wrong and maybe I was a fool for holding on, believing we had a chance, the week I started to feel something other than strength, which is what I'd been wanting. I'd been wanting the excuse to fall apart, the chance to cry, get everything out, and now I feel even more conflicted than I did before.
I already felt like I shouldn't be angry, or hurt, because I understood. I still understand. I've seen what the death of a parent can do. But at least I'd started to come to terms with that what I was feeling was normal, that a break-up follows a similar process to that of grief/loss because it is a loss, but now... Now I feel like I don't have a right, like I have less of a right than I did before. Why should I be angry when what he did may not be what everyone does but is somewhat normal and is, at the very least, understandable? Why should I feel betrayed when he continued to remain loyal and committed to me even when we were "broken up"/on break? Why should I feel hurt when things are back to the way they once were, or at least heading there? Why should I feel so scared and insecure when he's always, always been honest and communicative with me? Why do I doubt everything he says, from every "I love you" to him saying he would love for me to come in the summer which we're planning for? Why am I worried about him dumping me for someone else within that time even when no one else was ever involved?
I don't understand why I'm experiencing so much doubt and anger, feelings of depression and hopelessness and wanting to cry, at the same time as I'm experiencing happiness and wanting to trust him. It's like I'm doubting whether or not I want to be in the relationship at the same time as knowing that I do. I feel awkward talking about "us," awkward talking about my/our feelings, awkward talking about the future... I don't want it to be like this. It doesn't have to go back to the way it was before - I'm not asking or expecting that - I just don't want it to be, and hurt, like this.
I feel like I'm not the strong or mature or loving person everyone keeps saying I am. I feel hateful and angry and hurt and guilty for feeling the way I do and guilty for not being able to shrug it off. I feel weak and like a coward and undeserving. I feel lost and helpless and like I persevered because there was no other choice for me. I feel like people are treating me like I'm strong because I chose to stuck it out, but I'm not. I stuck it out because when you love someone that much... It's like there's a choice but it exists externally. I suppose it's technically there, but internally, it's not an option. When I laid out my options, leaving him was not one of them because that is not what you do if/when you love someone. So how am I strong for making a choice I didn't even give myself? Honestly, I don't know if it's because my period is due any day now or what, if it's because my emotions are flooding from the forces of repression or what, if I'm simply overwhelmed at his wanting me forever again or what - maybe it's all three - but right now I feel like I want to wallow and sink into the throes of self-pity and depression and do nothing but cry even if the tears aren't coming.
I feel like a mental. I should be happy, but right now, I'm not.
And knowing me, I'll regret posting this in the morning, because I don't want to change how anyone on this forum sees me (yes, I care that much, even if I shouldn't), but I need to get it out.
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