Normal?

[Haley53]

Doubt. There's nothing but doubt.

He says he wants me, that he wants me forever, that I'm not going to lose him, but hasn't he said all of it before? His mother passed away. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. A shitstorm of events followed. His life was turned completely upside down; it's still not back to being rightside-up. How could I possibly hold it against him for needing some time from the relationship to get on his feet, clear his head, sort out his own mess of thoughts? He's back to meaning everything he said before, he never once acted like anything but my boyfriend, so why don't I feel anything but anger and hurt and doubt?

It feels like this entire past week is the week I started to feel something, anything, the week I started to feel sad, hopeless, the week I started to accept that maybe everyone was wrong and maybe I was a fool for holding on, believing we had a chance, the week I started to feel something other than strength, which is what I'd been wanting. I'd been wanting the excuse to fall apart, the chance to cry, get everything out, and now I feel even more conflicted than I did before.

I already felt like I shouldn't be angry, or hurt, because I understood. I still understand. I've seen what the death of a parent can do. But at least I'd started to come to terms with that what I was feeling was normal, that a break-up follows a similar process to that of grief/loss because it is a loss, but now... Now I feel like I don't have a right, like I have less of a right than I did before. Why should I be angry when what he did may not be what everyone does but is somewhat normal and is, at the very least, understandable? Why should I feel betrayed when he continued to remain loyal and committed to me even when we were "broken up"/on break? Why should I feel hurt when things are back to the way they once were, or at least heading there? Why should I feel so scared and insecure when he's always, always been honest and communicative with me? Why do I doubt everything he says, from every "I love you" to him saying he would love for me to come in the summer which we're planning for? Why am I worried about him dumping me for someone else within that time even when no one else was ever involved?

I don't understand why I'm experiencing so much doubt and anger, feelings of depression and hopelessness and wanting to cry, at the same time as I'm experiencing happiness and wanting to trust him. It's like I'm doubting whether or not I want to be in the relationship at the same time as knowing that I do. I feel awkward talking about "us," awkward talking about my/our feelings, awkward talking about the future... I don't want it to be like this. It doesn't have to go back to the way it was before - I'm not asking or expecting that - I just don't want it to be, and hurt, like this.

I feel like I'm not the strong or mature or loving person everyone keeps saying I am. I feel hateful and angry and hurt and guilty for feeling the way I do and guilty for not being able to shrug it off. I feel weak and like a coward and undeserving. I feel lost and helpless and like I persevered because there was no other choice for me. I feel like people are treating me like I'm strong because I chose to stuck it out, but I'm not. I stuck it out because when you love someone that much... It's like there's a choice but it exists externally. I suppose it's technically there, but internally, it's not an option. When I laid out my options, leaving him was not one of them because that is not what you do if/when you love someone. So how am I strong for making a choice I didn't even give myself? Honestly, I don't know if it's because my period is due any day now or what, if it's because my emotions are flooding from the forces of repression or what, if I'm simply overwhelmed at his wanting me forever again or what - maybe it's all three - but right now I feel like I want to wallow and sink into the throes of self-pity and depression and do nothing but cry even if the tears aren't coming.

I feel like a mental. I should be happy, but right now, I'm not.

And knowing me, I'll regret posting this in the morning, because I don't want to change how anyone on this forum sees me (yes, I care that much, even if I shouldn't), but I need to get it out.

[Mara]

I think you just need to give yourself some time. All of this has been very sudden and unexpected. You need to breathe and hold on to the things that you know to be true.

You know he loves you. He's always loved you. Hold on to that. All the rest, in time, it will cease to matter. Not right this second, maybe not even today, or tomorrow, but at some point, it will because it doesn't matter. Yes, he hurt you and yes, you are entitled to feel hurt and everything else you're feeling, but you know it wasn't an intentional hurt. You know that not even for a second did he really leave you. He did what he thought was best given the situation and yes, it hurt and it still hurts and that's okay.

There's no rule book for how to feel or how to deal with this situation. Let yourself feel how you may, but don't wallow. Wallowing has never done any good except making something feel and look much worse than it is. Even though it may not seem like it, the worst of it is over. It may take a long time to get back to where you were, but the worst of it is over.

[Minerva]

Yes you're normal.

All of your feelings are valid. You've just been through the wringer, to put it mildly. There's nothing wrong with feeling what you feel. Let yourself go through it, and don't add to your distress by questioning if you should be feeling what you feel.

You need to take a breath and go easy on yourself. I think because people praise for your maturity and level-headedness (and warranted praise that is), you feel you have to always live up to some standard. And I would bet your personal standard is higher than everyone else's. You're being too hard on yourself. You really are.

You've handled this entire situation with grace. But having grace doesn't mean you're not going to feel strong emotions. He went and is going through something terrible, and you can't blame him for it and you feel wrong for being upset over it, but you are entitled to feel hurt and confused. He asked for a break, which put you through hell. And now you're back together, and you must be wondering, what if things get bad again? What if he needs another break? You're scared and confused and you want to be happy because you love him dearly and you're together again, but part of that trust is broken, even if how he reacted to his mother's death is completely understandable. It's natural to be scared and have doubts after what you've been through.

The hell of this is there's no bad guy. It's not his fault his mother died and left him reeling. It's not his fault for needing a few weeks to sort out his messy head. And it's not your fault for feeling upset and abandoned.

It's no one's fault.

This will take time to mend. Don't rush it. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. Just let the emotions come, pass over you like a tide, and know they will flow back again. And when it gets to be too much, do as you've done here and get it out.

There's nothing at all wrong with you for how you feel.

*hugs*

[Lissy]

I doubt anyone will view you negatively for posting this, or for feeling this way, Eclaire. Don't concern yourself with that, because it's obvious that everyone on this forum cares about and respects you, and wants you to be happy and feel supported. There's no shame in feeling doubt, anger, hopelessness, depression, etc. Those things don't outweigh what a caring person you are. Not by a long shot. Your feelings of doubt don't outshine the things you've done to show that you want things to work with your partner. The internal conflict is obviously overwhelming, and you are allowed to express your feelings of negativity, and to ask for help, support, and reassurance. The negativity you are feeling does not make you any less of a person; it is understandable and it is okay.

You are understanding of your partner's loss, and the grief it brought to him. You have been respectful of his space and his needs. I can't stress enough how very caring and understanding you have been; the fact that you may have felt like there was no choice in acting this way does not change the fact that you have done as right by him as you could have possibly managed. But you have feelings, too. And no matter how much you understand, it doesn't quite erase the repercussions this entire situation has had on you. No matter how justified your partner has been in needing to have a break in the relationship, it's only natural that it hurts, or makes you angry, or upset, or conflicted, or confused, or any number of feelings.

Maybe, no matter how much you understand, no matter how much things seem to improve or move forward, you're finding it hard to let go of some of that quashed anger, resentment, sadness (or whatever it may be) that resulted from his needing a break? I am no way intending to suggest you are angry with him. But the anger at the very situation itself may be enough for you to question why this has had to happen, and have such a negative impact on your life and his. Do you fear moving on, thinking something similar may happen? Are you worried things might not be the same, if you two agree to be committed to one another? This is a very understandably overwhelming situation for you. It would make sense if you are simply tired. Do you maybe feel like you need to have a turn where he gives you space of your own, and supports and is there for you in your time of need? I likely would, if it were me in your situation, but there would also be guilt there ("He has suffered such a terrible loss, and I'm being selfish in expecting him to care for me"). That would not be selfish, though. I think you are incredibly brave and I respect you, and I think you're independent and strong (my apologies if you're simply sick to death of hearing those kinds of praises), but sometimes, people need to lean on others, and be taken care of (even if he is unable to in his fragile state). Maybe this is that time for you? You've been under a lot of stress, very depressed and conflicted with your feelings. If you're feeling weak, is there a desire for someone to be strong for you? There's no shame in that, if that's what it is. Is there any part of you that would like to disconnect from him, to get yourself together and be separate so you may take care of yourself before immediately resuming the relationship? It seems like he is ready to pick up where you left off; are you? Your needs, wants, and feelings are just as important as his.

All this being said, I have no intention to make it seem like I know how you're feeling, and I don't want to give you the third degree. Those are just the thoughts that come to mind when reading your post, and they're kind of hard to put into words. No pressure to answer those questions, but just something to think about, if you're so inclined. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Please take care of yourself. <3

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Normal. You're much stronger than you think. I believe in you. Keep riding these feelings out, you're always entitled to them (but don't let them take you over). You can start moving forward once you've gained control of that rollercoaster. This won't be forever. And as for your reputation, I look up to you and will enjoy and appreciate the advice you give and will look forward to things settling down for you. Until then, do whatever you do when your emotions are overwhelming. I don't know why this is my cure-all, but sleep always seems to help me. Maybe some creative outlet or exercising might help you. You've been so selfless. It's okay to let it all out here. You're among friends.

[Engel]

I didnt read the other replies, just the origianl post.


Dear, what you are experiencing is normal! You human, after all. Even though he had the best of reasons to feel lost, he broke up with you, and you felt lost as well. And you were starting to feel a little used to that situation, and now it changed back.
so i guess that, in the end, it just scares you that he could leave again, that he could hurt you again.


"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley



It will get better, when there is love, there are always ways for things to work out. and I see there is plenty of love there.


xo

[squirrelz15]

Yes, what you're feeling is very normal. The distrust is normal, everything you're feeling is normal, and I really doubt anyone in this forum will look down on you for feeling the way that you do. You're a good person, with a lot of good and helpful advice. Take all the time you need to heal. What he did hurt you, and even though he was hurting to, you still have every right to be hurt. We all hurt the ones we love, it takes time to heal, and I hope he will be understanding of that. Hope you start feeling some peace soon.

[Jazi]

You should never regret how you feel or expressing your emotions. He may be going through some of the hardest things we as human-beings have to deal with.. but having loss and hurt in our lives doesn't mean we can completely disregard the emotions and feelings of those closest to us. I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells and not think of yourself/the future of the relationship. However you feel is how you are ALLOWED to feel. For your own sake you need to talk to him about these feelings and how he hurt you. He needs to know and you need him to know, the trust needs to be earned back and you don't want to resent him by trying to deal with this on your own. We all need the support of others to get through tough times and you need his support and understanding just as much as he needed yours through his loss.

[ioanna]

big hugs Eclaire!
these last few weeks i have admired your courage strength and determination, and today more than ever.
things can sometimes creep up on you and become overwhelming... just take it a day at a time, make sure to make time for yourself and do things that nurture you and your soul, and most of all don't feel guilty, there's nothing you're doing wrong!

courage!

[lucybelle]

So, I don't know how this is going to come across, but I just feel like you two need to cut some communication and give yourselves some distance. Being with him is making you miserable. I know he has had some real shitty things happen, but that means he needs his own time now to get his life together. How can he possibly be involved with someone else and someone else's feelings, when he doesn't even understand and can't deal with his current life situation? When my first "love" (boyfriend) broke up with me, he did the whole "I still want to be with you one day" thing too. And it made everything so. much. harder. to let go. Why are you doing this to yourself and to him? If you can't be together right now, don't be together. Don't be "sort of" together. Don't pull out feelings that make you hurt. Don't talk about the future. Don't talk at all.

My 2 cents...

[Haley53]

@lucybelle -- We aren't "sort of" together. I'm not sure if you read the thread prior to this one, but it's more or less been made official. No, we don't currently have "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" titles but considering our arrangement is exclusive and committed once more, I am fine with that, because the titles will come in time (I am sure of this) and meant little more to me than commitment to begin with. It's not being "with him" that's caused me to be miserable, and it never has been. I have also been in a relationship where someone strung me along with "we'll be together one day <3" promises - it was my first, too - and I'm well aware of the misery and conflict that that causes and this isn't it. :/ I have significant abandonment issues and separation anxiety and though the progress I am making in dealing with those issues is slow going, I am still fully capable of realising when they are being triggered. And he has been nothing but supportive.

I do think you are right in that what I need to do is not talk about the future, because I've noticed that seems to be what triggers me, because then I start thinking and feeling and letting my thoughts and emotions run away with me. I'm not sure why I do it, maybe because I'm waiting for the reassurance to make an impact, maybe because it's hard to accept that this is going to take time, I'm not sure. :/ I feel like I'm letting anxiety control my actions and I need to not do that... So I will agree there.

However I'm not going to stop talking to someone because it's "too hard." That really, in my mind, would not be a possibility for even an acquaintence. I realise I should not be putting his needs before my own, because doing that has led me to swallowing feelings (and if I swallow feelings, they turn into, and simmer as, anger/resentment) and not making more time for me, which I have actually resolved to do once finals are over. I'm out for winter break on the 6th and intend to start running every morning again, even if it means having to get up way earlier than I wanted. When I was exercising, even the issues the doctors deemed clinical seemed to melt away. I was on a healthier eating schedule and in a healthier sleep routine. I'm a very physical person, so working out my emotions physically did wonders, and I've made it a point to tell my mother, who accompanies me, that that's my resolution for winter break. Exercise and venting tend to help me the most and I haven't done much of either, which is, in part, where these feelings are coming from.

@ioanna -- Thank you. As I said to lucybelle, I do want to start exercising again. I keep promising that I'm going to set aside time for me, but my follow-through on that is absolutely terrible. :/ Some days it's because I'm too tired and simply want to sleep, and others it's because I "have too much to get done and don't have time." I may post something to the inside of my door that I can see going in and out that reminds me to do something for me on a daily basis. Maybe the days I'm short on time I can take 10-15 minutes for stretching and/or Yoga.

@Jazi -- Our line of communication is very good, and I'm actually someone who has to be careful not to be too honest sometimes. :P But we have spoken about my feelings and he has been very patient. He has been very understanding. Someone on my other thread, maybe rubydissolution, mentioned that I have to remember I'm not the only one who's hurting about it, and she had a point, as I do feel it hurts him that he hurt me to such an extent. :/ It would be a lie to say I'm not somewhat walking on eggshells, as he is currently in his angrier phase of grief, but regardless of where his threshhold has been, he has been immeasurably patient with my hurt and insecurities. He has been very gentle and reassuring. And through everything, he has always been there for me when I've been upset, even over the stupidest things, moreso since he moved into a more stable home situation, as he'd damn near hit his threshhold with the situation he was in, so it's not like he's not supporting me. It's more that I'm holding back and trying not to be someone he has to support, even through this, if that makes sense.

@squirrelz -- Thank you, and he has been. To be honest, I think he's been more understanding of my feelings than I have been.

@Engel -- Yes, that: the fear of being left again. Which I suppose is what I was trying to convey to lucybelle and it's the reason I can't stop talking to him for it. :/ I cannot run from my demon and that's what I see cutting him out completely as doing, because eliminating him from the equation would be eliminating the fear. It's similar to, say, fearing planes. I loathe flying and have to bring my anxiety medication with me when I do, but I love travelling. I want to see the world. I want to incorporate it into my career. It's in my retirement plan... Sure, flying brings me a great deal of fear and anxiety. I cannot sleep on planes even if my travelling time amounts to more than 24 hours. I cannot eat on planes either, as much as I force it down. It's hard for me to go to the bathroom on even 8+ hour flights because I'm terrified of the way the toilets flush. It's hard for me to settle down and not feel the prickle of anxiety even with medication. Turbulence sends me into not being able to breathe. This is all with medication. But if I didn't face it, if I didn't get on that plane, I wouldn't have the experience that comes after. That's how I feel about this situation. :/ I could cut him out, not deal with the fear of abandonment, but a) that's something that's going to continue surfacing until I do deal with it (and I am finally seeing someone who's able to help) and b) I would not have the experience that comes with/after facing your demons.

@Shepard-Fowkes -- Venting can help a lot, but I think venting allows me to dwell. :P Dwelling + me = bad combination. I've been doing a lot more writing, which has helped, been reading a lot more, which has somewhat helped (distracts me from studying), and I plan to start exercising again. I'm very physical and so physically expressing my emotions is something that has always helped me immensely. I did it over the summer, was in an incredibly healthy and feel-good routine, but had to stop over the fall quarter due to the fact I can't drive (something I need to do this month: get my licence) which meant bussing to and from school, which with the classes I had, more or less eliminated any chance I had of exercising unless I wanted to be up every morning at 5am. It's something I intend to start again over the winter break and continue once I have my licence and a car.

[Haley53]

@Lissy -- I feel like a part of me is holding on to these feelings/reluctant to let them go because I can feel. I'm sure many of us have been in places in our lives where we haven't felt a thing, and so when emotions have finally surfaced, it's been like being able to breathe again. For me, numbness is like being trapped and held underwater, kicking, clawing, and clambering your way towards a surface that you can't even see... and then you break surface, and that first gulp of air after being without oxygen for so long, it stings but in the best possible way. It's as though your lungs are burning with the oxygen you desperately craved/needed, and that's what the emotions feel like. I'd been numb for a month, and the emotions, they hurt, but at the same time as hurting, they feel good. I think a part of me is holding on because they feel too good right now to let go of, and maybe I need to listen to that and let them run their course as opposed to telling myself I don't deserve to feel them. :/

As I said to Engel, my primary fear in this is being left. I understand the situation and why he did what he did - it's impossible for me not to have perspective when I saw my mother go through this - but unfortunately, our demons don't share our logical understanding. :P I have really significant abandonment issues and separation anxiety, and when they are triggered, they often toggle between anger and depression. I didn't think about the fact that this is actually my typical reaction to these feelings. One example, as much of a nutcase as this is going to make me sound, is that there's actually a hole in my wall from when my mother and I had planned to go to dinner together. She told me she would tell me when she was leaving but she did not. She assumed I heard the door, waited in the car 5 minutes, then left, without texting me or calling my name or giving me any notice whatsoever. When I rang her, she was merely down at the end of our street. I told her let me grab my sweater and run to meet her. She was in a bad mood, stressed from work, said "no" and left anyway. This triggered an overwhelming amount of anxiety and hurt, feelings of abandonment and betrayal, and they turned into an explosive amount of anger and resentment quite quickly. I injured my foot by kicking a hole through the wall. Another example is when we were having record wind speeds, even if our wind speeds here only hit 28mph. I expected her to be home at a certain time. When she still had not come home 20 minutes later, I rubbed my hands raw and clawed my arms bloody because of the anxiety I was experiencing at her not being home. She came home an hour late but was, as expected, fine. However, because I could not get a hold of her, I instantly panicked and assumed the worst. So these feelings pop up when it comes to my family as well (should have seen me when my sister moved out, before things got into a routine). They're unhealthy and I'm starting seeing the bazillionth professional in the hopes of helping me deal with them, because all of my therapists have been able to recognise them but have been unsure of how to work with them/often have not addressed them.

I feel like that's what's going on in addition to wanting to hold on to being able to feel something. I think I want to be taken care of because someone taking care of me means my emotions are valid; it means I'm not overreacting or wrong to feel them.

[Haley53]

@Minerva -- You hit the nail on the head with this:

I think because people praise for your maturity and level-headedness (and warranted praise that is), you feel you have to always live up to some standard. And I would bet your personal standard is higher than everyone else's. You're being too hard on yourself. You really are.

This is why I can't/don't/won't cry in therapy. This is why therapy was beneficial so long as I needed help cognitively making connections, putting things together, and figuring things out. Therapy was beneficial in the sense it made me self-aware even on days when I didn't know which way was up and which way was down. But it never helped me emotionally. Yes, it felt good to vent and there were days it did feel like I'd purged my emotions, but I've been in and out of therapy since I was 12-years-old. Took a break from it, started it up again at 16 (from 14-16, I was therapy-free), had a horrible psychologist (I shit you not, oh, the stories I could tell...) but given our resources at the time, it was the best we could do, stopped seeing her, became a university student at 18, received a referral through university, and have been seeing said referral therapist ever since, though I stopped regular sessions this summer. In all that time, I never once cried, and I only recently identified why.

It's because the praises that I'm being rational mean more to me than letting those emotions out. The praise that I'm being mature means more to me than handling a situation immaturely even if we're all entitled to throwing a fit sometimes. The praise of being logical means more to me than expressing what I really feel. The image means more to me because that image is what I want to be. I want people to see me as independent because there's no possible way I can be "truly" independent (even if I am a strong, ambitious woman) when I'm paralysed with fear due to separation anxiety. I want people to see me as logical because most people who get to know me on a very personal level know that I am intensely emotional, to the point I have been bounced from doctor to doctor with no specified diagnosis but with the professionals still thinking there is something wrong because my emotions are that extreme and have been since I was a child. I want people to see me as strong because I feel absolutely weak and pathetic inside. I want people to see me as mature and as someone with integrity, because I don't have integrity when it comes to me; having integrity would mean facing my emotions and giving myself the same allowances I give other people. I have only recently recognised all these things and I am trying to work on not being so hard on myself, because I am aware that it takes more strength to be broken than it does to be strong, I am aware that a strong, mature person copes with these feelings and is honest about them as opposed to having too much pride or as opposed to sneering at them. I'm aware that pushing emotions away only makes them grow more violent. But it's hard to undo what at 12 started to become a lifetime of habit.

I had to be "mom" when my grandmother passed away. I had to become mom because my dad was a sick fuck abusive in every bloody sense of the word. I had to become mom because my mother was so depressed that we only saw her when she drove us to school, picked us up, and when she was too drunk to put herself to bed. I had a sister to think about. I had to be strong. I had to be mature. I had to grow-up. I had to stop feeling. I found other, unhealthier ways of coping, but it didn't matter because I could easier hide those than the fact I was pathetic, weak, helpless. I was an A-student, an honour student, the "smart girl," even if I was the "freak." I graduated as the valedictorian, got accepted into 5 of the 6 universities I applied for, early acceptance into 2, and it felt good. No one had to know the way I struggled or the fact I was put on suicide watch at 18, 10 days before my graduation, the speech I gave that received a standing ovation and a crying audience. I left everyone behind that day, aside from my family and a handful of teachers, and university provided a clean slate, despite that I was emotionally exhausted. I was met with a significant amount of issues: my roommate and her friend told me I was a baby for crying being homesick, as I lived in the dorms only 3-4 nights out of the week, so I "had no right" to cry or miss my mother or call her on the phone every night; I was a "freak," talked about behind my back; there were feelings of jealousy and competition because I could skip classes and still pass with A's and B's, whereas they had to work harder; etc. I never once let it break me. I simply became quieter and more isolated than I'd been in high school, where even teachers would participate in games/bets to see who could get me to talk.

The thing is that this extended into my personal life at home. :/ I can't cry, heh. It's hard for me to call upon emotions. I either end up feeling depressed and hopeless, or I end up going through what can only be compared to mania, though sometimes hypomania. It's why they thought I was bipolar, despite it no longer being an "accurate diagnosis." I'm not bipolar. My moods do not fit any spectrum of the bipolar disorder. But my moods do hit bipolar extremes. When I am sad, I am depressed. When I am happy, I am manic. When I am angry, I am near to bursting with violence. The rest of the time, I feel mildly, blank, in a way, like I'm doing nothing but going through the motions. It's not bad, really. I'm not unhappy. I'm content with where my life is at and where it's going. But when something does trigger emotions, it triggers them intensely. Like a client recently called to change the schedule, meaning I'll be making 200.00 less a month. I feel like someone "normal" would have dealt with it, maybe by feeling stressed/upset, but they would have dealt. I fell into a complete depression for the night, yet woke up completely fine the next morning.

Both my mother and sister say I have violent mood swings, but I don't notice them. I have the tendency to dissociate too. I honestly feel it's because I got so used to repressing everything because I had to that now I'm terrified of facing everything I want to, to the point it's become subconscious. :/ Like I said to someone earlier, I am now working with someone who's likely to be able to help me overcome this, and she has helped me overcome some things and some issues already, as she does more subconscious work and also follows the line of my spiritual belief, so it helps immensely, but there's a lot of undoing to be done and I suppose this is where I'm at in the meantime.

@Mara -- I feel horrible because after my spiel to Minerva, I feel drained. I've also been typing this for quite a long time and imagine I'll have to separate this into bits, but I do need to remember not to wallow because you're right, wallowing does seem to exacerbate things, and my mind tends to wander into creating ridiculous scenarios, too, which does not help. :/ I overanalyse everything and put me, myself, and I into every possible situation I can think of because I feel like it will make me more prepared in the event it does happen (I even put myself in situations that are next to impossible) and all it does is make me more anxious and paranoid and I need not to do it. I'm sorry that my response to you isn't longer. Thank you for reassurances that this is normal.

[lucybelle]

Eclaire, I haven't read through all of this, but I did read what you addressed to me. And although things are official and exclusive between the two of you.. does that make a difference? I mean, is being official and exclusive making you happy? I feel like every post you write is somber and depressing. This just isn't a good time to have a relationship, for either of you. I'm sorry I can't be one of your cheerleaders and encourage you to continue and stay strong, but I just can't say that's what I think is best. You admit to having anxiety and separation issues, well now is the time to work on those. Your SO lost his mother suddenly, and he needs to work on that. You're both young (19 am I correct?), get your lives together! And I don't mean that in a nasty way. You two are both lost souls right now. I feel like your relationship is like the blind leading the blind. You shouldn't need your SO to be happy. You should find happiness on your own, and then go find someone whose happiness compliments your happiness. Surround yourself with positive people. It's not his fault, but your SO is not positive right now. I seriously think you two need time off.

[Haley53]

Eclaire, I haven't read through all of this, but I did read what you addressed to me. And although things are official and exclusive between the two of you.. does that make a difference? I mean, is being official and exclusive making you happy? I feel like every post you write is somber and depressing. This just isn't a good time to have a relationship, for either of you. I'm sorry I can't be one of your cheerleaders and encourage you to continue and stay strong, but I just can't say that's what I think is best. You admit to having anxiety and separation issues, well now is the time to work on those. Your SO lost his mother suddenly, and he needs to work on that. You're both young (19 am I correct?), get your lives together! And I don't mean that in a nasty way. You two are both lost souls right now. I feel like your relationship is like the blind leading the blind. You shouldn't need your SO to be happy. You should find happiness on your own, and then go find someone whose happiness compliments your happiness. Surround yourself with positive people. It's not his fault, but your SO is not positive right now. I seriously think you two need time off.

I don't want you to feel like I'm not regarding your opinion, as I do appreciate, and respect, your honesty.

Yes, many of the threads I've written have had a sombre tone, but I feel in part that's due to that this is the community I have to come to for support. I don't feel that my posts around this forum have the same sombre, depressing tone at all. Perhaps I should go back and read some of my replies, but I think a lot of my replies say more about the integral components of our relationships than my threads. Why? Because my threads are about me, not my relationship, not anybody else, but me. They're about what I'm struggling with or would like support in, even if it's involving my relationship. I'm going to use the same defence as others have used on this site and go so far as to say that I suppose it's easier to report on the bad, especially when you're going through something such as this, than it is to post a thread on every sweet thing that's said. Perhaps this is another issue o' mine, but though I don't think the focus should constantly be on the badbadbad, I tend to get annoyed when people, as they have on other forums I belong to, post updates on every sweet thing that's said or on every moment of bliss and happiness. I honestly feel that if all my threads have been portraying me and my relationship as sombre and depressing, then I've done something wrong. The fact of the matter is, however, that I joined LFAD only very shortly before my SO's mother died. I feel like if I had been a part of LFAD for longer or maybe if this hadn't happened when it did, you would have seen a lighter side to me/my relationship, and I think that lighter side does come through more in my other posts, or in other places/ways.

I am taking the time to work on these issues. I neglected to mention it in my response to you (I believe) but said in someone else's - and don't worry, I never expected anyone to read through three posts of material - I am seeing someone who has already helped me work through some of the issues I've faced through this experience. I am continuing to see her, and it is helping. I am working on getting back into things I like to do, such as writing, reading/going to the library more regularly, and exercising as soon as finals are done and I have my mornings free again. He is working on his issues, too, in the best way that he can. I will admit that to an extent, it is like the blind leading the blind. Maybe not to that degree (in my mind) even if we are both young (I'm 20, he's 19), but I'm not going to say we're both in this merry happy place where everything is wonderful and unicorns are pooping rainbows, because we aren't. But I also don't see what leaving him would do. I really don't. I can see and admit where I definitely need to make time for me and where I need to make me my main focus, not him, but I don't see what leaving him in this situation would accomplish, other than allowing me more of an ability to do something I should be doing regardless. If we were married - and no, maybe this isn't a fair comparison, because we aren't - what would I be expected to do, ask for a divorce or separation? :/

Maybe that's not a fair comparison, as I said, but that's how I see it. We've been best friends for nearly three years, dating/together for nearly a year in total, and though we are nowhere near the age of marriage or in a marital situation, I still feel our relationship, romantic or not, is serious enough to the point I don't think either one of us could abandon the other because they aren't positive enough. I am going out more, spending more time with my family, and like I said, I'm doing more that I love doing, that I fell out of touch with long before all of this happened (this simply emphasised the fact I had) and before he and I even started dating. I don't see either of us as needing one another to be happy, simply because we've both remained honest with ourselves and each other about where we're at, even at the risk of losing the other person.

I'm not sure where I was going with that - my brain is tired - but I simply cannot see why time off would be a good thing. I certainly respect your opinion, as you are someone around this website that I respect, and I realise I may be coming across as defensive and argumentative which really is not my intention. x.x I simply feel that though I can agree with needing to make more time for me, I disagree with cutting him out completely. Maybe it would be better for me, maybe you're right, and maybe I'll learn that as time goes on (if it's going to happen, it'll happen sooner or later), but I suppose I feel that being in a serious relationship, you don't run from something that can be worked through, even if alterations have to be made.