Normal?

[lucybelle]

In the end, you're going to do what's best for you. I've refrained from replying to your posts before, because I didn't want to seem like a Debbie Downer. I'm glad you at least read what I had to say. My point is really this: you have to be okay with yourself before you can be okay with someone else. And that's why I suggest time off. Relationships are hard, and if each person is also dealing with personal issues, it makes it even harder. I wasn't in a relationship for years because I needed to get myself together. I didn't need anyone else's baggage when I already had my own.

I really hope you and your SO find a good place.

[Haley53]

I sent you a message explaining some things, but I suppose I'll say here too that we can agree to disagree. Your words are not falling on deaf ears, as I said in the PM, I promise. I am listening, even if it seems like I'm not. I am thinking about things and even if I may disagree with what's best for me, that doesn't mean your input is not appreciated or that I'm not receiving and considering it. I don't see you as a Debbie Downer at all, lucybelle, if anything, I appreciate the fact you were respectful enough of me/my situation to be honest and not jump on the bandwagon of agreeing with what I'm doing. It can take a lot to be one of the only disagreeing opinions (you may be in the minority, but you're not the only one in my life with this opinion; a couple others have shared it too) and I appreciate you being honest with me. I do agree that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Maybe I simply need to exhaust every other possible option before I consider a break. I tend to be the sort that's like that.

[Alemap]

I can't imagine what it feels like to be you right now, Eclaire, but I wish you the faith and strength to beat it, and a strong network of loving people around you to bear you up in the meantime.
I also wish you the wisdom to know what is the right course for you.
My heart is with you.

[rubydissolution]

Ok, I can't really offer you any advice bc i'm still going through this myself. I just want to tell you that you are human. You are female and our emotions get the better of us all the time. This struggle you are going through, while the circumstances are incredibly different my feelings are so close to yours. My SO and I didn't break up but his betrayal of my trust, broken promises, his abandonment, and his lack of communication damn near broke me in two. (i.e. him leaving in 24 hrs no notice beforehand just "I'm leaving tomorrow"). I can't tell you this feeling goes away, I've been coping with it for almost 2 months now. I have my good days and my bad days and nothing my SO says to me really sinks in bc how can i trust him now? I walk around everyday wondering when he's gonna break my heart again. It hurts to feel it and it hurts to think it. I trust him, but i don't. I have said I've forgiven him and I have but no matter how much I try that scar he gave me, its so deep. I walk around everyday looking at places we went, things we did and I know he's not there and that's all his fault.

I know he was unhappy, I know we are both unhappy now and that our relationship is struggling bc of his bad choices. Just like you I feel like I love him too much to end it, to even really consider that option. However, its constantly on my mind. Would I be happier if I put us both out of our misery?

All I can offer you is to stay as strong as you possible can. I know i hope that in time my faith in him will return and our relationship will go back to the way it was. And that's all you really can do. If you need to talk or anything don't hesitate to msg me as someone who is going through the exact mixer of emotions as you are. Good Luck!

[Jazi]

@Jazi -- Our line of communication is very good, and I'm actually someone who has to be careful not to be too honest sometimes. :P But we have spoken about my feelings and he has been very patient. He has been very understanding. Someone on my other thread, maybe rubydissolution, mentioned that I have to remember I'm not the only one who's hurting about it, and she had a point, as I do feel it hurts him that he hurt me to such an extent. :/ It would be a lie to say I'm not somewhat walking on eggshells, as he is currently in his angrier phase of grief, but regardless of where his threshhold has been, he has been immeasurably patient with my hurt and insecurities. He has been very gentle and reassuring. And through everything, he has always been there for me when I've been upset, even over the stupidest things, moreso since he moved into a more stable home situation, as he'd damn near hit his threshhold with the situation he was in, so it's not like he's not supporting me. It's more that I'm holding back and trying not to be someone he has to support, even through this, if that makes sense.

wow, seeing that you personally responded to each of us was really nice, lovely to see you took the time to address every post individually.

from what you said in your direct reply to me it sounds like you have some really positive feelings in the relationship (and in him) which is really important and didn't come through so much in your OP. I'm glad to see that you have talked to him about your feelings too and yes, it may hurt him knowing/dealing with the fact that he hurt you but you can't take that upon yourself, you can't take responsibility for your hurt AND his.. and frankly, if he didn't feel sad for what he did to you then I would worry. Sometimes when something has hurt us so much in life we need to talk about it again and again to start to move past it. If you feel you need to keep talking to him about it until you get to a place where you are feeling at ease then you should. Tell him to be paitent with you (just as you have been with him) and that you may talk about it a thousand times and say almost the same thing but it's definitely better to get it out than to run over it in your head over and over.

[Haley53]

wow, seeing that you personally responded to each of us was really nice, lovely to see you took the time to address every post individually.

from what you said in your direct reply to me it sounds like you have some really positive feelings in the relationship (and in him) which is really important and didn't come through so much in your OP. I'm glad to see that you have talked to him about your feelings too and yes, it may hurt him knowing/dealing with the fact that he hurt you but you can't take that upon yourself, you can't take responsibility for your hurt AND his.. and frankly, if he didn't feel sad for what he did to you then I would worry. Sometimes when something has hurt us so much in life we need to talk about it again and again to start to move past it. If you feel you need to keep talking to him about it until you get to a place where you are feeling at ease then you should. Tell him to be paitent with you (just as you have been with him) and that you may talk about it a thousand times and say almost the same thing but it's definitely better to get it out than to run over it in your head over and over.

I mentioned to lucybelle and I'll mention here, too, that my threads tend to be more about me and what I'm feeling, though I'm starting to feel that does more harm than good. :P I don't want to constantly misrepresent my relationship, because I am happy in it. I am happy with him and he with me. There's a lot of love between us, and I don't doubt how much he loves or cares for me. I don't mean to misconstrue that fact as that he doesn't, or as that that is what I am doubting or that that is what is causing fear, because it isn't. When I post my threads, it's simply about me. As selfish as that sounds, it's because I need to vent about what's going on in my head, not about our relationship. :/ The sad fact of the matter is his mother passed on shortly after I joined LFAD, less than a month, and so LFAD became somewhere I could talk about me, what I was feeling, and what was going on in terms of our relationship. Why? Because the three people I could talk to were, originally, my best friend, my partner, and another extremely close friend of mine. I refused to burden my partner with everything when he was going through so much (he lost his mother, his home, etc.), my best friend pulled a disappearing act on me, and I didn't want to constantly wear out one single person, so I had hoped to build up a support here, and I found that support and so have been relying on it when I've needed it, even if my partner can support me more and more with each passing day.

But I'm rambling, haha, and I have to leave for uni soon. :P I have told him that he'll need to be patient with me. I told him that was the condition/requirement I had if we were going to make it work, that he couldn't expect it to go back to the way things were immediately, that I am going to need patience, to talk about my insecurities, and reassurance, and he reassured me that it was okay to feel the way that I do and he understood. I would worry about us if we didn't have the communication we do or if it suddenly stopped, but we are both very open about our feelings and both communicate them to one another clearly, so that's good enough for me.

To ruby and Alemap, I'll respond when I can. <3

[Haley53]

@Alemap -- Thank you. Your support is appreciated.

@ruby -- I remember your thread/situation, so I sympathise with how you're feeling and I appreciate your willingness to be there to support me if I need it; of course you can drop me a PM, too, if needed.

I'll admit I feel a little bit discouraged, at you mentioning how long it's been for you that these feelings have persisted (two months), but at the same time, I realise that this isn't some overnighter, something I'll cry about for a day and then move on from, because it does run deeper than that and like you, I have my good moments and my bad ones. I can't say that I've considered ending the relationship or ever wondered about it - maybe at the height of my hurt/fear - simply because I believe that this is an issue that can be worked through and I believe it can be worked through together. I realised that I'm having to come to terms with a lot of information, more than simply we're together again, so it's been a bit overwhelming. As I've said numerous times on this thread already, I intend to start exercising starting tomorrow. I had to get some yardwork done which was physically exhausting and as I'd had an upsetting afternoon (completely unrelated to my partner), it made me feel about a hundred times better. I'm hoping to feel the same relief when I start back up on a routine, not to mention I run at the beach, which is an insanely therapeutic place for me to begin with, and one I haven't had a chance to get to in ages. :/

[ioanna]

Big big hugs! Have been thinking of you today, hope you're feeling a bit better<3

[Haley53]

Big big hugs! Have been thinking of you today, hope you're feeling a bit better<3

Thank you! I'm moody today but I started my period all of a few minutes ago [/TMI], so that probably explains this and the way my mood has been. :P Hoping anyway. I do feel a bit better, if not a bit crappy, but a part of that is due to the fact I'm restless and bored and have 3 hours before my next final, so am trying to pass the time until then by doing what I shouldn't be doing and splurging money.