The "who's moving where" issue

[sweetshay]

Last night me and my SO had a conversation about our future together. He thinks that it would be a logical decision for me to move to Iowa (where he lives) rather than him move to Pennsylania (where I live). I of course don't agree because as much as my family pisses me off, i'm not ready to leave yet.

Im only in my second year of college, still have no car or drivers license in general. How can I expect his family to take care if me the way mine will? They definitely won't want to pay for my college or a car or much of anything really.

My bf is 23, the only thing he will have to worry about if he moves here is finding a job.

What have you guys decided to do and what compromises are you going to make in order to do it?

[Haley53]

We looked at who had fewer ties where, and who was more willing. In the end, it came down to that my boyfriend has fewer ties. Due to a life-changing event in his life, this will change for the next few years at best and the next several at worst, so it's come down to that it might be better for me to go there and stay for a while than it would be for him to come here (all things depending). That being said, I have made it very clear, and he's well aware of the fact, that I would not be able to leave where I currently for more than several years and this is ultimately where I would like to end up, not only because of the area but because of the ties I have to my family. So really, we have had to go through and look at all our options and analyse what's possible and what isn't and what we're willing to do and what we aren't and then we looked to find overlap.

Personally, my opinion is that if your family is currently paying for your college tuition, stay where you are. It'd be irrational, in my opinion, to sacrifice a free ride through two more years of school to be with someone who can wait for two more years. School, for me, was/has always been the biggie. And if your family is also willing to help you with a car or are currently helping with transportation? That's not necessarily something I'd be eager to sacrifice either. Why does your boyfriend think it's best that you move to him? What's he not wanting to leave behind? Way I see it is that your life should come first and in this case, that would mean your education. If that means you have to do distance for two additional years, then I suppose so be it, but that's not something I'd give up to close the distance.

[lucybelle]

My bf is 23, the only thing he will have to worry about if he moves here is finding a job.

First of all-- I don't like this. It's not as easy as just "finding a job". Moving across the country is a big freaking deal. He'd have to sell all his belongings, save up a ton of money for a move, say goodbye to his home, his family, his friends, and his life, pack up all his stuff, move in with someone he's never lived with before, stress over having to pay bills and not having a job while looking for a well paying job which may or may not be as good as the one he had before, get settled into a new area, make new friends, stay in touch with his family and friends at home... do I need to go on?

Since you have the luck of a family paying for your college, stay and finish your degree. Since you probably have very limited bills, SAVE UP YOUR MONEY. No more cute shoes just cuz you like them. Come up with a doable plan to close the distance in the next two years. And don't take him moving to you for granted. It's a big deal on both sides.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

We've decided that I'm going to move up to Rochester. It's the best decision since he loves the school and it's a good program. Also, his school is one of only about 5 schools in New York that even offers ultrasound, which is what I am ultimately looking to pursue, so it makes the most sense for me to go there. The plan is for me to go there and get my degree, and we should graduate around the same time, and then from there, we'll see where we're offered jobs but we are looking to both move back to Long Island (where we both grew up, where I currently live and where his family lives/he stays at home there on breaks) together and from there, we'll look into getting jobs here if we can and then maybe get an apartment together when we can afford it. I am currently getting my associates and from there will get a certificate in ultrasound.

Hmm...compromises. Well, I'll be moving away from my family, who I am very close with so that'll be hard for me. My SO has a terrible relationship with his family so being away for him is easy. Also, I will be sacrificing decent weather lol. Rochester is gross...it rains a lot, and in the winter it snows a lot. I hate the snow with a burning passion. When it's not snowing or raining, it's usually cloudy. I love the sun. And it's cold there, too...I like warmer weather. =P But, these are sacrifices I am willing to make to be with my love.

[goalie_girl34]

Even though nothing's set in stone my boyfriend and I decided that its easier for me to move to where he is for several reasons.

Jobs: He is a semi-professional athlete whose contract status is always in limbo but he obviously needs to stay where he's at as long as he is on the team. They pay him a small amount of money and a stipend for his living expenses. I can get a job just about anywhere. I'm not very picky right now becasue I'm just working to support myself until I get through school and can get a job with my degree. Minimum wage jobs are everywhere.

Living situation and expenses: He has an apartment, I'm still living at home with my mom who is recently divorced. I live in California, he lives in Oklahoma. It makes more sense to move there for me because with living expenses in California as high as they are I really cant afford to move out on my own and get my own place. It would be even more of a shock for him moving here because everything is so much cheaper in OK.

School: He isn't in school, although he'd like to be eventually, I am. I'm currently attending community college while I try to decide where to transfer. I spent 2 years previously at a 4 year university. On my visit there I looked at OSU which is a great school with a great program for my major. School is a major factor in where I go and we may move again after as neither of us really wants to stay in OK forever but I've got to finish my schooling before we settle down.

Family: My SO has a horrible relationship with most of what little family he has left, and they are all in OK. I have a pretty decent relationship with my family and they are all in CA. Recently though I have not been getting along with parts of my family and the divorce only made things more awkward. I actually want to put some distance between my family and myself. I think it might improve things and make my mother realize how much she would actually miss me. Lately she's been angry over every little thing and at 20 I cant stand living in her house anymore. I've got to go!


The circumstances are different for eery couple and every move. So you guys will have to decide which compromises need to be made and who can make them. In your situation though I would try to stress to him how important school is. You may have to wait until you have finished school to move out there, but he can more there sooner...

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I'm wondering, WHEN do you plan on closing the distance? My best advice would be to finish school first before anyone moves anywhere. As much as it may sound like somehting your mother would say...your education needs to come first. If he moves out to you, his struggle to find a job may be too much of a distraction and impact you more than you realize.

Secondly, my advice is...if you're chance to close the distance is 2 years away...calm down. You're in college, if you're only a sophomore you've still got a lot of growing to go. You may find that you don't need to be so close to your family, you may feel more of a need to spread your wings...you may find opportunities and strengths in yourself that you don't have now.

My SO and I have argued many times about who's moving where and what's going to happen. And the argument has changed many times in the 3 years that we've known eachother. When we were BOTH still in school, we definitely had the student mentality. Neither of us knew what we wanted. As our perspectives on the world have changed, our priorities have. I've realized that jobs in his field aren't realistically available where I live. I've also realized that jobs in MY field aren't quite realistically available near where I live either. Also after a little more life experience, I have realized that my family doesn't need to be in the same town to be there for me. We will likely BOTH be moving in order to be together...but it will be in my country.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't rush. If you guys are arguing about it, neither of you are ready to look at it maturely enough yet. Relax, focus on your education, and enjoy his company when you guys can squeeze in visits. Just ENJOY being in a relationship for a while and when you guys are ready you'll talk about it in more detail. Then things will make sense.

[kiara_silver]

We haven't made these plans yet officially. Just sort of talking about it. I totally agree with what lucybelle said. No matter who moves its a huge part on that person. And shouldn't be taken for granted.
For us, Im the one with more family. I have a lot of personal ties and right now im being supported financially. But over there my SO has work, and is probably more stable. I don't think work should be taken lightly, especially right now with the economy so hard. It's hard finding work right now. So this is a huge aspect to look at in closing the distance, how are you going to support yourself? There are a lot of things to look at and consider, I think waiting till your finished with school seems smart, before making moving plans.

[Bethypoo]

Ummmm, well. I am away for college right now. So that isnt a huge issue because I dont know where I will go for graduate school or where I am going to get a job. So wherever that is- is where I will be. He however, is going to be joining the navy.... soooo he will be all over. But until he is out of bootcamp and figures things out, we have tabled the discussion. But right now, i he has told me to just say the word and he will move to where I am. SOOO yea. Things are all over. If he does do the navy thing, we cant live together unless we are married (or if he has a apartment off base which is unnecessarily more expensive), and I am not ready to be married at this moment (im only 22!). not to say that i dont want to marry him. And I want to get married because we are ready, not just to close the distance.

But I think you are right. Like you said you are only on your second year of college and you have to focus on yourself. Maybe by the time you graduate you will be more self sufficient. But until then, I understand knowing you can rely on your family as opposed to people you dont know.

[sweetshay]

First of all-- I don't like this. It's not as easy as just "finding a job". Moving across the country is a big freaking deal. He'd have to sell all his belongings, save up a ton of money for a move, say goodbye to his home, his family, his friends, and his life, pack up all his stuff, move in with someone he's never lived with before, stress over having to pay bills and not having a job while looking for a well paying job which may or may not be as good as the one he had before, get settled into a new area, make new friends, stay in touch with his family and friends at home... do I need to go on?

Since you have the luck of a family paying for your college, stay and finish your degree. Since you probably have very limited bills, SAVE UP YOUR MONEY. No more cute shoes just cuz you like them. Come up with a doable plan to close the distance in the next two years. And don't take him moving to you for granted. It's a big deal on both sides.

I understand what you mean and i'm glad you've brought up this point. I'm only 19, I still have a lot to do and learn and I don't think being away from my family is a wise choice. Trust me my money isn't going into cute shoes or any unneeded clothes at all I can't remember the last time I bought something for me that wasn't a necessity. However, I do have a job, my own apartment, and yes very limited bills. I can't necessarily expect my parents to pay for my travel & such to see him which means I will also have to save. I also have belongings and such that I will need to figure out where im putting them, along with the friends and family issue. I have no doubt it will be more difficult for him to move, but were both giving up a lot no matter who moves.

[sweetshay]

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't rush. If you guys are arguing about it, neither of you are ready to look at it maturely enough yet. Relax, focus on your education, and enjoy his company when you guys can squeeze in visits. Just ENJOY being in a relationship for a while and when you guys are ready you'll talk about it in more detail. Then things will make sense.

I wouldn't say i'm trying to rush but at least trying to start planning now so that when the right time comes we're somewhat prepared, for instance just saving a little money here and there just incase we both have to move like you might.. I feel that if we never talk about it it'll never happen. Maybe thats silly to think.

[ChibiFelicia]

Once my SO and i spoke about closing the distance we weighed it up and it was clear that me moving would be ideal.
I don't have many family members here (just my sister), I'm graduating this year with a nursing qualification (and if that fails i have a psychologist background too so i can look for a job in that field as well), cost of living is quite high. Cons of me moving would be leaving all my friends, the crisp weather (UK weather doesnt suck that bad), cost of living in CA, visa! lol

For him to move to the UK just didnt sound reasonable. All his family and friends are in CA, he's studying for a phsyiotherapy major, masters then phd, the army pay for his education and living, he could retire early since he was with the army (i dont fully understand all the details about this), he loves CA, loves the food and hates cold weather. Hates the rain and blah blah lol. He doesnt like the UK at all.

He knows im nervous about moving. It's a huge change, i dont think i'll have a huge problem with getting a nursing job (if not in CA then in a different state) but im worried about fitting in (i have a habit of putting my foot in it), knowing that all the people i know there are all his friends and family. Im worried about all the little things like knowing where to shop for bargains, taxes, bills, pensions, insurance (no free health care!!), dental everything lol. He says i worry too much but i like to know what im getting into. My parents emmigrated when i hit 20 and i had to look after my younger sister (15 at the time), the houses, the bills my parents financial dealings...everything on top of my own studies, my job etc. My head nearly exploded. I was sooo not ready and seriously hats off to people who have children, get married etc at a young age. I found it difficult to manage everything and my sister and thats why im worried when i move. Just so much to think about including trying to settle into a new country. But as cheesy as it sounds, i'd do anything to be with my man and i know he'll be there to support me all the way. I've already told him i'm probably gonna be super dependant on him when i first move (something that is kind of bugging me) and things probably wont go well between us at first but we'll work through it.

[squeeker]

We've had this talk a few times. Right now we've settled on the plan that although I'm doing all the travelling now and such, eventually we'll settle in Canada, though probably not the same city I live in now, which makes sense for us because I have more family ties here and he isn't as close with most of his family. Though prior to that I might be going there to live for a couple years if we can sort out a visa for me. But all this is unfortunately not in the near future, we still probably have a few years before we will know for sure how things will work. Though perhaps we'll know more in a year, it's all just hypothetically planned right now, and things can always change but the thing I hold on to is that we both know that we will be together one day and so we'll get through it. I agree that it will be hard on both people for whoever moves. Who knows, maybe one day will come and we will be able to have a house in the UK and Canada and can travel back and forth.. lol .. we'll see what happens.

[Rugger]

My boyfriend and I have decided whoever gets a permanent job first, the other will move with thim, until they get experiance and then we are going to both move.

[floridaellen]

I'm moving back to New Jersey for graduate school. I grew up there and that's where my SO lives now. My SO will still be in college because I am graduating early and he's starting college late due to financial issues. After we both finish college we want to move to Pennsylvania because that is where his father lives and it has a cheaper cost of living. Jobs are a tad easier to find too because we plan on moving to a more built up area than where we live in NJ. Plus both of us will be moving, although close, so we won't resent each other.

[Zapookie]

We spoke about it, and my SO wants to move here. I guess he doesn't really have as many ties to family/friends as I do, and he feels okay about leaving everything behind. He told me that he doesn't feel at home in Santa Barbara (but I think it's just because I'm not there with him). It would probably be a lot easier to migrate to Australia, than to the US as well. I think we're a lot more accepting of migrants and the process for getting a visa doesn't seem to be as hard as it would be to get one to live the USA. I also think we would both have better opportunities at finding a job here than in his town. I live in Sydney where the population is 4 million, the population of SB according to wikipedia (lol) is only 88k. There are a ton more job opportunities here, even if the economy is failing.

I don't know if I want to live in Sydney for the rest of my life though. I would love to travel around the world and live in different places for a while. I know he wants to travel too. I'm hoping maybe we can alternate between the US and Australia, but we'll just have to see how we go with money and visas.