The "who's moving where" issue

[dukes2011]

I am originally from MD and my SO was raised in VA. He teaches elementary school 4 days a week and I'm working on my Master's in NY. I hope to move to MD and once I finish a fellowship it should be very easy for me to find a job, however he is a music teacher so it will be more difficult for him to find one no matter where we end up. Right now, we're trying not to sweat it and just enjoy the relationship in the phase that it's in. I tend to get too worked up about the future and lose sight of the present, so while it's ok to plan ahead a little don't forget that you won't find all the answers overnight. My boyfriend and I have decided time has to run its course to make the best decision. Also, we both have to experience life a little more to be confident we are doing what's best. At 22 and 23, we both want to save up a lot of money as individuals and we'll both have a ton of loans to pay back too so that's another reason we're not trying to make decisions right now.

[Engel]

Last night me and my SO had a conversation about our future together. He thinks that it would be a logical decision for me to move to Iowa (where he lives) rather than him move to Pennsylania (where I live). I of course don't agree because as much as my family pisses me off, i'm not ready to leave yet.

Im only in my second year of college, still have no car or drivers license in general. How can I expect his family to take care if me the way mine will? They definitely won't want to pay for my college or a car or much of anything really.

My bf is 23, the only thing he will have to worry about if he moves here is finding a job.

What have you guys decided to do and what compromises are you going to make in order to do it?

wouldnt your family pay for your university there the same ammount as they pay for it where you live now?

closing the distance is always hard, and in the end, or someone moves, or the relationship is doomed to end eventually. wouldnt you consider moving there after finishing your university? and what you can do now is at least try to get a drivers license ASAP

[Haley53]

wouldnt your family pay for your university there the same ammount as they pay for it where you live now?

closing the distance is always hard, and in the end, or someone moves, or the relationship is doomed to end eventually. wouldnt you consider moving there after finishing your university? and what you can do now is at least try to get a drivers license ASAP

It's unfortunately not always so simple (for example, my grandfather's paying my way through my university, but there are plenty of conditions and strings attached), not to mention that it's much more expensive as an out-of-state student than an in-state; it's why so many universities are accepting more and more out-of-state and international students, because it somewhat offsets the budget. :/

[Leigh]

I moved first to be with him now he's moving to be with me.

[oukeying]

We haven't really figured this one out yet. He really wants to live near his family in Connecticut, but honestly there is no way I will live there, only because his parents are extremely controlling and I know that, if he were to stay there, they would control him forever, and if I moved down there they would probably try to control me as well. But as for me, I'm most likely going to graduate before him and get a job in either Boston or New York, and if he wants to stay, he'll come.

[13000km]

Lucybelle is right, who moves where is not as simple as making the decision based on whose life is easier to uproot.
These are the few things that we considered before we made the move
1. Schools. It was my parents who insisted I should go back to school to get my bachelors. There are only 5 universities in Singapore, they are extremely hard to get into and way too expensive for either of us to afford. My boyfriend was already going to community college in Oregon, which would make it easy for him to transfer into a university here. I had been out of school for a year and a half, so was already out of the rhythm of being a student.

2. Place to live. Neither of us believe in living together before marriage. He, at that time, was living with his sister and paying very little rent. His mom had offered to let me live with her for very little (she actually didn't collect rent from me for 3 months) until I was comfortable with moving out on my own. If he had moved to Singapore, he would have had to find a place to live on his own almost immediately, and renting an apartment in Singapore is a rather slow, and very expensive process.

3. Work. He has a part time job as a server in a restaurant that he's had for 4 years. I was going to leave my full time job to go back to school. If he were to move to Singapore, we'd both have to job hunt, and who knows if that would have worked. One of us without a job would be scary enough. Two of us without jobs ...we didn't want to think about it.

4. Family/Home. I would have loved to stay with my family, I really would. I'm really close not only to my immediate family, but with my mom's family as well and I did not want to leave them, or my friends and support system. He's not as close to his family, has many friends but a lot of them are studying in other parts of the country, and being a boy, he has less feelings about leaving his friends and family.

But family was only one part of the equation. With everything else weighing so strongly for my moving here, that was the decision that we went with. Has it been hard for me? Incredibly. I feel homesick so much. I can't drive, so I don't get around very well without him, especially when it's this cold. I miss the tropical weather and I miss wearing flip flops in the rain. But is has been hard for him too. He has had to support most of both our expenses and adjust to having his girlfriend suddenly be there all the time. He's had clashes with his mother because he's around her so much more now. Both our lives have changed because of this move, and eventually, who knows where we'll go.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, don't make the decision based on who the move is going to be easier on. At the end of the day, one, or both of you are going to have to move away and it will be hard on both of you, but in my opinion, ultimately worth it.

[Sora1101]

I decided to move to my SO, he's got job out there and he's really close with his family and I have nothing holding me here except friends so it was more logical to move to him, his life is in progress and my life is still fresh and new and I can start it anywhere I want. I say that you finish college and then decide where you want to live, maybe you guys could meet somewhere in the middle? That way you're both giving stuff up but you'll be equally close to friends and family.

[Zephii]

It's hard.

I think it's great you's are talking about it and planning and stuff. Because it can take years to wrap your mind around it and make a plan that works for both of you.

For us, Obi always said he would never leave his family, friends and country for me. Moving perminantly here to Australia is not and never will be an option. And it always seemed logical for me to move there. I have less family ties - but we learnt while I was there for two years, having fewer ties does not make those ties less important in any way.
I also learned while I was over there that I'm not willing to live the rest of my life in Canada. I love my country, and even if I had NO ONE here, I'd still want to be here. I'd want our children to know my culture, my land, my people.

In the end I decided that we're not settling. It was being nomadic, or breaking up. I gave it a good shot being in Canada and was pretty miserable most of the time. Even visiting home every few years (like everyone seemed to think was a brilliant solution) was not, and likely never will be, good enough. Moving away from both our families seemed dumb (and there's no half way point for us, just ocean).

So, that's what we'll do. We lived two years in Canada. Now we are here in Oz for 3-5 years (If he can hack it, we will stay for 5 and get him citizenship). Then it's Canada "until my cat dies" (roughly 6 years I'm guessing - pending how long Obi sticks it out in Oz, if he chucks in the towel at 2 years, I'm not staying in Canada the extra three.) I expect us to be back in Australia for my kids to do their last 4 years of Highschool. After that, I don't have a plan. What I do know is it's going to chew a lot of money, take a lot of work, and we'll need a lot of support.

But no matter which road you take there's sacrifice. The person who moves gives up A LOT. The person who doesn't takes the guilt. If you're nomadic, then you get all of that and the added stress of not being able to buy what you want, or lock yourself into contracts or any of that.

Just keep talking. You will find something that both of you can live with. But, don't rule anything out until each of you has lived in the other's home town/country, if possible. It's not right to ask someone to do something you would not do yourself.

[Pixel]

We've spent a lot of time talking about this. He's from the US and I'm from Canada.
Unfortunately right now both of us are in school so we can't move for a while. I'll be graduating first though so our first thought was for me to go there. I would be absolutely willing to try and move there...especially since I want to be with him so badly and I'd be done school. However, career opportunities will be the best for me here so I'd be better off staying. He's also concerned about how I'll fair emotionally if I pack up and move to a different country, whereas he's used to moving from place to place. I sort of feel guilty though, like he's basically forced to move here and he might not really want to. He says he doesn't care at all and just wants to be with me, wherever that ends up being. I still worry about it though.

[smith8482]

I met my SO online bc I was relocating to the south part of the country. However, events have occured and I wouldnt be able to move right away So we will be long distance for about 7months He is not willing to move bc of his son and I have desire to stay where I am.

[Brieasaurus]

It ultimately depends on where I get accepted to go to school. If I get into my dream school in Michigan (where he's living right now, and where his intermediate family is), then we'll move in together while I finish up school. Pretty much depending on what he's doing at that time period, he'd be willing to move to where-ever I am. Even though I haven't visited his town in Michigan yet, that's where I ultimately see us and our family. He has far more ties there than I do here, and I'm hoping that we'll eventually be able to afford having a summer house here on the east coast. Plus, things over there are a lot less expensive than they are here so in a financial sense it'd be a better choice.

[lala]

my SO lives in Canada and I live in Germany.. He doesn't speak German and hasn't finished his studies yet. He is working this year a lot so he can finance his schooling. I'm studying to become a teacher and will finish my first big examina next year,but then would have to work in a school for 2 years to graduate. I thought about moving to him and finish there my studies,but I would first have to find a job and I would also need a permanent resident status to do so. He is a family person and I met everyone and just love them. I'm family person too, but my family is annoying me,especially my dad.. and I don't like the area where I live,in addition I don't have that many friends, so I would have less problems to move..
we haven't decided anything yet, but the decission is going to be hard though

[kteire]

My SO and I decided that in order for both of us to feel the same sort of transition and to start fresh with just the two of us, we're both moving to close the distance. I am from Canada, and recently moved to Edinburgh to be closer to him. In about 3-4 months, he'll be moving over here and finding work, and we'll move in together. We're both very close with our families and friends, so it's hard to do it, but neither of us felt like we could ask the other person to give up all of that while keeping it for ourselves. I like the idea of it, because we'll both have each other and have to go make friends and develop our own community together. I know that if I'd moved to be with my SO and he got to see his family and have his friends around when I knew no one, I would end up resenting him. I miss Canada a ridiculous amount already.
I think longterm we will end up living in Canada, but on the other side of the country from my family.

So I don't know if that's an option for the both of you, meeting halfway to find a new place to start your life together, but it's what I prefer. It's challenging, but at least it's something new to do together, and it's not going to be monumentally harder for one than the other.

[sweetshay]

Lol I think it's funny that my SO is still sliding little "you should just move to Iowa" comments in conversations whenever he get's the chance. And I told him that, to be honest, I don't want to be in Iowa or Pennsylvania. It sucks realizing that his parents wont let him move without me visiting him and meeting them, and my parents wont let me move there...probably in general. Especially not my father. I've toy'd with the idea that maybe I can try and do my masters in Iowa, but im still just a sophomore.. and ill probably need an extra year to finish my bachelors. On the other hand, he just found a full-time job, thankfully not another temp one, and is starting to try and get back on his feet from debt. So regardless.. we both need to stay put for a while, as agonizing as it is. I just hope that in the future maybe we can plan more frequent trips, be smarter about it and not spend assloads of money. Thanks for all of the input everyone.

[books]

I'm moving to him. We pretty much decided on this very early on, but since we've been LD, we've gone back and forth with some alternate ideas. I visited him in January and everything felt so right, I came back feeling like that is exactly where I need to be. I'm from the US, but to be honest, I have no real desire to stay here. My family is from Italy and I lived over there for a few years and loved it (wasn't homesick), then I lived in my SO's country for almost 2 years after that (was homesick slightly, mainly when I was hospitalized for dengue fever and wanted my Mom!). I live in the same country as my Mom, but we're in different states, so I only see her once a year as it is now. And that's okay with me (to be fair, I've lived on my own since I was 17 and am not super close to my Mom). My Mom acts like once I move to Nicaragua, she will never see me again. She has pretty much told me she is totally unwilling to visit and if I insist on moving for him, we should at least pick a nicer country like Costa Rica (which she has enthusiastically said she'll visit) or I need to make him come here. Whatever. It's so ridiculous, I really have stopped addressing the comments. I know I will come and visit and least once a year so I don't see much changing from what we have now.

My concerns about moving to be with my SO mainly have to do with my work opportunities. I have my Master's and a ton of work experience, so I'm not okay with just taking any old job to get by. I'd like to be able to put my education/experience to use. At the same time, I really want to be married and start my family, so sometimes I think I just need to make that my priority and worry about landing a good job afterwards. I was offered a position with an NGO in Nicaragua beginning next January, but I wouldn't be living close to my SO (which is the whole point of me moving there), the salary is so-so and I'd be locked into a one-year contract. So, I'm not sold on it, though it is an option. I have been playing around with the idea of staying here for about one more year and just saving as much as I can (I currently work 2 jobs) and then just head out there the earlier part of 2013. We've briefly discussed our compromise countries (Panama or Spain), but as of right now, we're sticking to the original plan of me moving to him.