Closed the distance, work issues arrise (no, not job hunting)

[dinorider88]

how long is she gonna be gone for?
also plenty else to do in good ol Lost Wages other than go to a strip club or get drunk.

I mean my girlfriend is goin for a job as a bartender, which means it's a job where if she's doing it right grown men (and maybe some women) will be ogling her on a nightly basis. You gotta be trustin that she's not gonna do shit. I mean the way i see it is you either trust her and so when she says she won't do anything to cause you ire you believe her, or you don't, in which case shit be doomed.

also you gotta look at what's causin you ire, are your requests/demands and such reasonable. for instance what's the issue with her imbibing? is she a recovering alcoholic or something?

idk man in general it just seems like you gotta take a chill pill, lay back in the buckwheat, and ask her to get you a souvineer.

plus, ain't no kinda sex like reunion sex

[Tabbylee]

I don't think you come across as a "bad guy". As a former military spouse who left my whole life to be with my husband I think I have an idea of how you feel. You made a huge sacrifice for your relationship and it's hard to start your life over in a place where pretty much all you have is your SO. That doesn't mean you hold it against her, that's just the way it is. People who have never had to make that choice won't understand the feelings associated with it. So basically you moved there to be with her, leaving everything else and you get there and she is super busy with work and two jobs. You probably miss her more than you thought you would have to after closing the distance. To me it sounds like you guys need more time for each other and you just plain don't want her to leave even if it wasn't to Vegas. It also doesn't help that you have an issue with the guys she has to spend time with.... Definitely don't give her any ultimatums. If that's the type of work she wants to do and it makes her happy it is your job to support that. Do insist that your relationship also be a priority. It has to be a priority for both of you or it isn't going to work. Find ways you guys can spend more quality time together, weekly date night maybe? Movie night? Whatever as long as you guys are together and that time takes priority over everything else.

[Tabbylee]

One more thing... If you expect and try to influence her to choose you over everything else she will end up resenting you. Ideally I'd like a man who'd choose me over everything too but I've learned that isn't realistic. We're all different and we all love in different ways. I know I'm much more likely to drop everything for my BF while he's more likely to tell me there are things he's gotta do and he'll talk to me later. Yeah it can hurt sometimes but I know that it doesn't mean he loves me any less, that's just the way he is. He likes to stay busy. That's the man I love and that's part of who he is, so I love that too. (or at the very least accept it)

[05eclipse05]

Because in reality if you tell your boss to “shove it” or to decline going on a business trip unless there is a family emergency you are fired, or your reputation within the company is compromised. Your girlfriend has a career and you should respect it regardless if she goes to Vegas or not.

She doesn't have a career. I have a career. This job isn't anything financially important - at all. It's not even her full-time hourly job. Declining going to business trip should not get anyone fired. Nothing is more important than family. Absolutely nothing.

I don't think you come across as a "bad guy". As a former military spouse who left my whole life to be with my husband I think I have an idea of how you feel. You made a huge sacrifice for your relationship and it's hard to start your life over in a place where pretty much all you have is your SO. That doesn't mean you hold it against her, that's just the way it is. People who have never had to make that choice won't understand the feelings associated with it. So basically you moved there to be with her, leaving everything else and you get there and she is super busy with work and two jobs. You probably miss her more than you thought you would have to after closing the distance. To me it sounds like you guys need more time for each other and you just plain don't want her to leave even if it wasn't to Vegas. It also doesn't help that you have an issue with the guys she has to spend time with.... Definitely don't give her any ultimatums. If that's the type of work she wants to do and it makes her happy it is your job to support that. Do insist that your relationship also be a priority. It has to be a priority for both of you or it isn't going to work. Find ways you guys can spend more quality time together, weekly date night maybe? Movie night? Whatever as long as you guys are together and that time takes priority over everything else.

One more thing... If you expect and try to influence her to choose you over everything else she will end up resenting you. Ideally I'd like a man who'd choose me over everything too but I've learned that isn't realistic. We're all different and we all love in different ways. I know I'm much more likely to drop everything for my BF while he's more likely to tell me there are things he's gotta do and he'll talk to me later. Yeah it can hurt sometimes but I know that it doesn't mean he loves me any less, that's just the way he is. He likes to stay busy. That's the man I love and that's part of who he is, so I love that too. (or at the very least accept it)

Thanks for your relation, really helps . And having a man choosing someone he loves over everything is very much realistic. Just takes the right man. Again, I think others are missing this key point. This job never existed for our LDR. It magically popped up after we closed the distance. This was never part of us until recently. And it has been a growing issue since it popped up.

[05eclipse05]

You see, that's the problem. You feel like she needs to think and do the same things as you, and you're holding her to the same standard as you hold yourself. Guess what?
you are you, and your girlfriend is her own person. She doesn't have to do what you tell her. You are projecting your beliefs and your values on to her and expecting her to comply with that.

You know, you are not the be all and end all. You are not some big magical being that your girlfriend needs to bow down to every day. You are her boyfriend - a person who should love and support his girlfriend in the decisions she makes, and her quest to better her career/job prospects. You are making this all about you, as if she is going on this trip to spite you. SHE'S NOT!

But anyway, you honestly need to swallow your pride and let her go to Vegas. Everyone else (who you so nicely ignored) has stated her most obvious reasons for going there, which are for business and NOT pleasure.

I'm not acting as a magical being. I'm not acting mean nor demanding. I am merely stating to her I feel VERY uncomfortable with it. Just like I know she would do the same for me. I love and support her in multiple ways. (We just purchased a new car for her just last month). I'm very supportive. I help her with schoolwork and labor work. Hell, I do chores around her parents house. I'm 1000% supportive with EVERYTHING. How is it such an un-holy event to simply speak out against ONE thing I'm uncomfortable about. Huh?

[kteire]

She doesn't have a career. I have a career. This job isn't anything financially important - at all. It's not even her full-time hourly job. Declining going to business trip should not get anyone fired. Nothing is more important than family. Absolutely nothing.

A career isn't defined by the money it makes, if she's been working on this job and barely getting paid well for it, obviously it's something she does want to pursue as a career. I thought you said money wasn't important to you? If that's true, don't judge her career choices by the fact that right now she's not making enough for you to consider it important. And yes, declining to go on a business trip can most certainly get someone fired, that's just a reality. I think family is more important too, but she's not making some massive, life-altering decision to leave her family by deciding to go on a business trip. You honestly need to work on being more understanding and flexible. I know it's hard to close the distance and not have it go exactly as you hoped (I moved to the UK to be with my SO and he can't afford to buy his way out of his work contract in Ireland yet) but that's just life, and you've got to give her some respect and freedom to make her own decisions. Your condescension about her job not being a viable career would be very hurtful for an SO to hear.

[ChibiFelicia]

I've actually read all the posts and been watching this for a while. You've obviously voiced your concerns to your partner, and you said she's actually on this forum? She seen this thread? I have to say if my partner was doing this i'd go mental at him. I can understand that this side job jsut popped out of no where but if its something that she wants to make her career..shouldnt you be more supportive? Reading allthe posts that say "i'd do anything for my partner" im not so sure thats for me. Regarding education and jobs both my partner and i would actually be mad at each other if we gave up on something because of one another. I'd have to rethink it though if say we closed the distance and i had to move away for a job..im not sure i could do that. But travelling for a job...hell yeah! I'd love to go to see different places, broaden my horizon. And my man would be fully supportive of that. Plus as the above poster said "reunion sex is amazing!"

Have you thought about what actually is bothering you? Are you worried that this trip isnt going to be a one off? That this side job (potentially her career) is going to require her to travel alot and frequently? Or are you worried that these men she's working with are going to hit on her? And you don't trust her to say no? Or maybe because you cant protect her while she's away? Or maybe..you're worried she'll have more independance if she has her chosen career?

From what i've read, you seem to have a control issue or you're worried she's going to have her own life besides being with you. I can understand that the shock (i guesS) of finding out that she has this other job that requires her to go on business trips could be upsetting.
You said "she doesn't have a career" soo shouldnt you be more supportive that she is trying to make this her career though you may not see her all the time? Or do you jsut want her to depend on you? Are you not worried about how she will feel in say 10 years time? when she thinks back and goes "wow i had this opportunity but i didnt even get to try it out" She may not make laodsa money and she may hate it but at least she got to try it and feel that she has actually done something. I dont know how your relationship is and whether you're planning on getting married (if you're not already) and having kids but some people arent content with jsut getting married and bring up kids. For me i'd hate it. Obviously when im married to my man we'll be finincially dependant on each other and when we have kids i will be relying on his income but if i never went out there and made my own career what the hell am i going to do when my kids are grown up? Sit at home and do housework all day? (im not dissing on stay at home mums/dads by the way..its just not what i want) I'd want my career to fall back on.

[05eclipse05]

I've actually read all the posts and been watching this for a while. You've obviously voiced your concerns to your partner, and you said she's actually on this forum? She seen this thread? I have to say if my partner was doing this i'd go mental at him. I can understand that this side job jsut popped out of no where but if its something that she wants to make her career..shouldnt you be more supportive? Reading allthe posts that say "i'd do anything for my partner" im not so sure thats for me. Regarding education and jobs both my partner and i would actually be mad at each other if we gave up on something because of one another. I'd have to rethink it though if say we closed the distance and i had to move away for a job..im not sure i could do that. But travelling for a job...hell yeah! I'd love to go to see different places, broaden my horizon. And my man would be fully supportive of that. Plus as the above poster said "reunion sex is amazing!"

Yes, she's on LFAD. Idk if she's seen this thread, wouldn't matter. She wouldn't get mad. It's the same stuff we've discussed with a relationship counselor. Hell I'm doing this for us as well.. I'm trying to fix it. Why would anyone get mad over someone trying to fix the issue. Being supportive for something that goes against gut-feelings in your body isn't exactly right. That's like you supporting you SO for doing drugs (different type i know, but you get the concept). Her full-time hourly job can easily become a career as well. It's not like this is her ONLY option. Hell, she'll go further in career's than I ever will I bet. But when they clash when my gut-feelings and morals, no, I can't be supportive. I would literally loose myself and get eaten alive by my own feelings. Your man might be supportive of that, but I can't go against something I stand against. Just like I'm sure I can be more supportive of things he wouldn't be. Everyone's different..

Have you thought about what actually is bothering you? Are you worried that this trip isnt going to be a one off? That this side job (potentially her career) is going to require her to travel alot and frequently? Or are you worried that these men she's working with are going to hit on her? And you don't trust her to say no? Or maybe because you cant protect her while she's away? Or maybe..you're worried she'll have more independance if she has her chosen career?

I really appreciate your time - yes, I have thought about it. Like I said before, I can't pinpoint it. I don't think I ever will, honestly. What do you mean one off? I know if she goes further into this it WILL require more travel. No, I don't like the thought of that either. I don't like the guys she's with - but no, not really worried they'll hit on her. I know she could kick their asses lolol. Again, trust is not an issue here. I stated this many times. Maybe protection comes into play. Idk what independence would really have to do with much. She already is independent. I don't see that being an issue.

From what i've read, you seem to have a control issue or you're worried she's going to have her own life besides being with you. I can understand that the shock (i guesS) of finding out that she has this other job that requires her to go on business trips could be upsetting.
You said "she doesn't have a career" soo shouldnt you be more supportive that she is trying to make this her career though you may not see her all the time? Or do you jsut want her to depend on you? Are you not worried about how she will feel in say 10 years time? when she thinks back and goes "wow i had this opportunity but i didnt even get to try it out" She may not make laodsa money and she may hate it but at least she got to try it and feel that she has actually done something. I dont know how your relationship is and whether you're planning on getting married (if you're not already) and having kids but some people arent content with jsut getting married and bring up kids. For me i'd hate it. Obviously when im married to my man we'll be finincially dependant on each other and when we have kids i will be relying on his income but if i never went out there and made my own career what the hell am i going to do when my kids are grown up? Sit at home and do housework all day? (im not dissing on stay at home mums/dads by the way..its just not what i want) I'd want my career to fall back on.

I'm not controlling. I'm not demanding anything.. I'm not angry, I'm not even aggressive. I'm a calm, cool, and very mellow person. Hell, I'm a mama's boy. And it's not that I care about money, but she's receiving NOTHING for putting in everything. She's in college, work's full time, and barely has time left at all. Whatever is left is sucked up by this crap. Her full-time job could easily turn into a career. I don't mind that at all. It's this part-time crap that's killing me. Maybe I do want her to depend on me. But like I already stated, she independent. So that will almost likely never happen. No we're not married, no kids, we don't even live under the same roof yet (we're taking it step by step). Do I want all those things? Hell yes. So does she.

[books]

I didn't read through all the replies, but I'll put in my input anyway...The main thing that really gets to me about your posts is that you seem to be deciding what is and isn't a career for your SO. Those are things for HER not you to decide. If she enjoys this part-time job even though it doesn't pay well, that's fine. That is HER choice. If she decides not to pursue her full-time job as a career, that's okay too. You're her boyfriend, not her career counselor and your role really is to be a support to what she decides to do. To add, I really do not see the big deal about her going to Vegas.

[05eclipse05]

I'm not trying to be a counselor. (If you read you would have known that). I'm not even being agressive towards anything. I'm VOICING my opinion and feelings towards it. I'm not holding a gun to her head? Don't make it sound like that.

[goalie_girl34]

Calm down, youre starting to sound like a jerk.

Either your going to deal with her career choice and let her go, or it will be a big enough problem to you to compromise the relationship. Its really your choice but it doesnt seem as though there is a legitimate reason for this to be such a big issue, it just sounds like jealousy or insecurity. You keep saying you dont want her to go, and not for any real reason. Just cause. What are your morals/gut feelings telling you about her ging to vegas? If it's simply that you dont like her career choice and you think its a waste of time either get over it or leave. It sounds like you just dont see the importance of her career choice. Ultimately though its her life and if her career choice is that big of a deal to you than you have to make a decision whether its something you can support or not. But frankly I still dont understand how adamant you are about how much of a waste of time this is especially when their seem to be no legitimate issues and it makes her happy.

[digitalfever]

If we're all wrong and your right why are you even asking for help? End your relationship cause obviously going to Vegas for a lowly paid job that isn't a career is something that can lead ONLY to sin!

[05eclipse05]

Calm down, youre starting to sound like a jerk.

Again, I'm perfectly fine. Lol. You guys gotta stop talking words on the internet too close to heart. This is just a conversation.

Either your going to deal with her career choice and let her go, or it will be a big enough problem to you to compromise the relationship. Its really your choice but it doesnt seem as though there is a legitimate reason for this to be such a big issue, it just sounds like jealousy or insecurity. You keep saying you dont want her to go, and not for any real reason. Just cause. What are your morals/gut feelings telling you about her ging to vegas? If it's simply that you dont like her career choice and you think its a waste of time either get over it or leave. It sounds like you just dont see the importance of her career choice. Ultimately though its her life and if her career choice is that big of a deal to you than you have to make a decision whether its something you can support or not. But frankly I still dont understand how adamant you are about how much of a waste of time this is especially when their seem to be no legitimate issues and it makes her happy.

I guess I feel as if there shouldn't need to be a legitimate reason. Words aren't needed for me. If I know she's uncomfortable about any situation I was in (with unexplainable words to support it), I'd do all and everything in my power to bring a stop to it, and comfort to her mind. I do that, without even second guessing it. It's natural to me. How is it such a big no-no to ask for the same treatment? Equality if you would. The same importance I put towards her.

If we're all wrong and your right why are you even asking for help? End your relationship cause obviously going to Vegas for a lowly paid job that isn't a career is something that can lead ONLY to sin!

I never said you were wrong, did I? I asked for opinions, and it's what I received and mostly expected. And I also didn't say any "sin" would happen in Vegas, did I? I said I was uncomfortable with it. Your "sarcasm" isn't very well place. ""

[goalie_girl34]

Again, I'm perfectly fine. Lol. You guys gotta stop talking words on the internet too close to heart. This is just a conversation.



I guess I feel as if there shouldn't need to be a legitimate reason. Words aren't needed for me. If I know she's uncomfortable about any situation I was in (with unexplainable words to support it), I'd do all and everything in my power to bring a stop to it, and comfort to her mind. I do that, without even second guessing it. It's natural to me. How is it such a big no-no to ask for the same treatment? Equality if you would. The same importance I put towards her.

Nah bro, you're snapping at people and telling them to read. Just relax a little.

And yes, you should have a reason to so strongly oppose something your SO is doing. If I were her and you were telling me not to go to Vegas and I asked why and you said, "There isn't a reason and there doesn't need to be. I'm just uncomfortable, so dont do it." I would tell you that's not a good enough reason and I am capable of making my own decisions. It would be differenf if it were an issue of safety, fidelity, finances, something that was really important that you voiced to me and I could understand but she is not expected to simply neglect this career choice and not go because you dont feel right about it. Its wrong of you to ask her to do that for no reason, and wrong of you to project that you would do the same if it were the other way around. If you wanted to go hang out with your friends and she said "Don't go. I just dont feel like you should." That wouldn't be a good enough reason, and it wouldnt be fair of her to ask. Like I said, because you dont really have a reason you just come off as either jealous or a control freak.

[05eclipse05]

Nah bro, you're snapping at people and telling them to read. Just relax a little.

No, I'm really not. You're taking words on the INTERNET way to close to heart. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but seriously, it's just a conversation. Lol. That's not snapping, it's called a response.

And yes, you should have a reason to so strongly oppose something your SO is doing. If I were her and you were telling me not to go to Vegas and I asked why and you said, "There isn't a reason and there doesn't need to be. I'm just uncomfortable, so dont do it." I would tell you that's not a good enough reason and I am capable of making my own decisions. It would be differenf if it were an issue of safety, fidelity, finances, something that was really important that you voiced to me and I could understand but she is not expected to simply neglect this career choice and not go because you dont feel right about it. Its wrong of you to ask her to do that for no reason, and wrong of you to project that you would do the same if it were the other way around. If you wanted to go hang out with your friends and she said "Don't go. I just dont feel like you should." That wouldn't be a good enough reason, and it wouldnt be fair of her to ask. Like I said, because you dont really have a reason you just come off as either jealous or a control freak.

Again, I thank-ya for the opinions. I'll just use this whole thread as food-for-thought. Ya know.