Do You Have a Deadline On When You Have to Close the Distance?

[Sierra]

Basically my thread about complaining about travelling made me really glad that my boyfriend and I put a deadline on when we have to close the distance in our relationship. (I know a lot of you are dealing with school or are young so this is not such an easy thing for you).

When we started dating long distance we figured we were both adults and if we couldn't get our stuff together within a certain time frame, our relationship just wouldn't work. Neither of us wanted to waste time in a long distance relationship with no future, so it was basically all or nothing.

I'm at a point where I feel like I just can't keep up with the travelling back and forth and it's made me really glad we have a date where we will close the distance, because much more of this would be more than it takes.

So I guess my question is, does your LDR have a deadline and what is the reason for it?

[lademoiselle]

We don't have a deadline at all. While it doesn't bother me for the most part, there are times (after a visit, for example...) that I sort of wish we did. I feel rather like we're cross country runners; I know we'll reach the end of the race at some point but the finishing line isn't anywhere in sight! Naturally it can get tiring but all we can do is carry on moving forwards, because there's no turning back now and neither of us want to stop. Good for you and your SO for setting a date though. I really hope everything goes to plan for the both of you

[Dziubka]

I think we had a few threads about this already.

No, we don't have a deadline and even though I've started to hate the travelling as well, I wouldn't want one.
I don't feel like I was wasting my time or that our relationship doesn't have a future because it's long distance for the time being.
We're long distance now so we can both get the education we want and so that eventually we can live together happily and sucessfully.
If everything goes well, we're going to be living together for half a year from April on and then go back to LDR in October for about two more years to finish our education (Master's degrees). We'll have been LDR for just over four years by then, with being close distance in the beginning and for half a year inbetween.
Do I like that? No, but I like all the alternatives even less.
As long as there is a future together somewhere down the line and we're working towards that, I'm willing to do this.

[Sierra]

We have a few threads about everything already.




I guess because of our age in this relationship we both really felt like if we couldn't get it together for one of us to move from one place to another within a certain amount of time it was truly a reflection of, well, us not wanting to close the distance. Travel becomes costly and we are both at a point in our lives where we want to get married and start a family and traveling back and forth for years isn't going to get us there. If we were dealing with schools, or different countries and visas I'm sure it would be another story.

As for everything going to plan for us, it will. Even if we break up I'm moving there for school, the cogs are in motion and it's too late to stop them now.

My boyfriend and I had decided that we needed a deadline on the relationship before we even started. I will be returning to school, and going getting an advanced degree. Just there. Like I said, we're both of the age that if neither of us could get it together in a certain amount of time (almost two years) we decided it was for lack of trying and we should do ourselves a favor and find someone else who could meet our needs and we could reach our goal.

Do I think the long distance is worth it? Well for course. Is it something either of us are willing to deal with for years and years? No.

[Haley53]

We originally had a deadline as in we didn't want to be more than 5-6 years long-distance. Our original plan had been for him to come here to work (he had varying connections) for a year and go from there, see what happened. If all went well, we would have anticipated closing the distance, through marriage, shortly after. We had expected that everything would be set by 2017. We'd both be mid-20s by then, I'd be on my way to finishing with school, and he'd hopefully be able to continue the work once his visa was sorted. But when his mother passed, it more or less threw a wrench in the works.

Now it's me who's going over there for a working holiday (hopefully 2013-2014) and I'm not sure where we're going from there. He's likely going to be pursuing an advanced degree and I'm still at least pursuing my MA and may do a combined program as well (I'd toyed with the idea of doing my PsyD degree through an online program while abroad). So currently, we don't have a deadline and we had to remove the one we had. I would still like to aim for a similar timeline but if it can't and doesn't happen, then it can't and doesn't happen. I think it's harder for us to have a deadline because our lives are sort of solidly in place. I have school and I'm not willing to sacrifice it. He's going to have school. He can currently only leave the country for 14 days a year. So we're not sure what's going to happen, but we're going to do our damndest to make it work.

[Bethypoo]

It isn't like we had a set deadline, but like the OP, we were both adults and I wasn't going to wait around forever to get out shit together. I think out general consensus was that once I was don't with school that we would close the distance, which we are.

But he is joining the military so that made me want to close the distance more because I believe that you should live with someone before you marry them.

I dont know, I think there should be a general direction of where you want to go but no deadlines. But if you keep changing your direction or cant agree or keep making excuses... then maybe this relationship isnt for you.

But again like the OP said, many on here are young, hell, im going to be 23 and I still consider myself to be "young". But still. Have a direction and if you cant decide on that then maybe you need to figure something else out. But that's a Personal opinion.

[Sierra]

Eclaire, I think it's so much harder to set a deadline when you have circumstances like your own. I know when I was that age my life was constantly in flux, and if I was in a LDR at that time, it would have been impossible for me to set a realistic deadline for the relationship. Things definitely change in life and I think when you're younger it's better to roll with them and see where they take you than to be rigid.

I'm 27 and I would consider myself young, but I guess my point was, at the moment, I'm not in school, I am gainfully employed and my boyfriend is 30 and in the same position. If we couldn't get it together, to me that's indicative of a bigger problem we were experiencing.

We have changed the date of when I'll be going out there back and forth, but mostly it's for health reasons and me being really unhappy with my job. But at the end of the day, the date stays the same, we talk about it all the time and we're both really excited.

For me, being an adult, having the money, but not being able to close the distance ... just makes me feel like it's not right for you (given like your SO is away all the time or whatnot you know?) I know adult couples that have met online, moved in together within 3 months and gotten married. That's far to fast for me, but as an adult I don't really think there's an excuse to not get it done.

[lucybelle]

Yup. 3 years max. We closed in just under 2.

[fitfilipina]

I've always wanted to establish one, because for me keeping my eye on the goal -- rather than kind of aimlessly anticipating it -- keeps me a lot more positive, helps me take advantage of the circumstances (if there are any in LDRs, hehe) and makes time go a lot faster. Unfortunately for me, my boyfriend thinks it's a little incredulous to have to put a time limit on things when who knows what can happen, especially since there are so many factors at hand (namely me graduating university and him waiting on his acceptances for a university transfer). On top of that, my SO is considering joining the military after graduation which means LDR AGAIN and he doesn't want to have to disappoint me.

However, I have set a general date for us to close our gap if all things goes well. It's September 8, 2012, when I finally finish my summer coursework and graduate, he's picked his university so we know where we can made arrangements to live together (if it's in the right place), and then I'd be looking for a job in his area. Praying, wishing, hoping, striving for it to go this well!

I wish we could set a time limit together thought... =(

[Moon]

Nope, we don't. For us, it works as we're both already established and mid-career, it's just not that easy for one of us to make an international move. Also, we aren't interested in marriage or kids, so we certainly aren't "wasting time" on anything. While our relationship is top-priority for both of us, closing the distance isn't at this point. Sure, we hate saying goodbye, but personally, I love the traveling even if it's very expensive. If he and I never got together, I'd be spending my time traveling anyway, so...

Yeah, we'll close it someday, at a time when we're able to tie everything together and it will work out for us. In the meantime, we're both extremely independent people and our relationship is damn near perfect; not everybody is in a rush to close the distance for various reasons, it does not mean we don't have our stuff together, or have no future, or our relationship is any less serious, we're simply in a different place in our lives than most of the people on this forum.

[goalie_girl34]

We didn't set a deadline, but we both very quickly realized that we did not want to deal with the distance for very long. After our first visit we knew we wanted to live together.
Were trying to make it happen after I finish this semester at school. Its not that either of us is eager to get married or start a family but we're meant to be together and its painful being apart after realizing how much we enjoy being together. He's not really in the position to move with the work he does, but I am and my mom is making me move out anyway, so I am ready and willing to move as long as financially I can manage it.

[Sierra]

Again, fit, for you it just sounds like the timing isn't right to set a real deadline, life is too much in flux. That's not your fault while it's definitely admirable to have set up a light at the end of the tunnel and at least then you'll know for sure what's going on and hopefully can set a time to close the distance - or know more of what is happening within the dynamics of your relationship.

Like I said, if we were younger, the deadline on our relationship wouldn't be there, but given we're both in a position to make it happen, with not much standing in our way other than actual physical miles ... I felt like for my relationship it's something we needed, wanted and we're sticking too.

I also know, it's only been 10 months (even though I've had feelings for my boyfriend for two years before that) since we've been in an LDR and I'm burnt out. I think if we didn't have a set date I wouldn't be able to go on. Love doesn't conquer all, especially feelings of exhaustion (or maybe I'm getting the flu)

---------- Post added at 11:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 AM ----------

Nope, we don't. For us, it works as we're both already established and mid-career, it's just not that easy for one of us to make an international move. Also, we aren't interested in marriage or kids, so we certainly aren't "wasting time" on anything. While our relationship is top-priority for both of us, closing the distance isn't at this point. Sure, we hate saying goodbye, but personally, I love the traveling even if it's very expensive. If he and I never got together, I'd be spending my time traveling anyway, so...

Yeah, we'll close it someday, at a time when we're able to tie everything together and it will work out for us. In the meantime, we're both extremely independent people and our relationship is damn near perfect; not everybody is in a rush to close the distance for various reasons, it does not mean we don't have our stuff together, or have no future, or our relationship is any less serious, we're simply in a different place in our lives than most of the people on this forum.

I like your relationship and I really love when you respond to my threads because it's much different than mine. I think distance works for some people and I certainly commend you on making it work as you guys do. I know the mobility that this time in our lives makes it easier to make a move for both of us. (If he had come here or I had gone there) Plus, not having to move internationally does make all the difference.

I can't make my relationship work the way you guys do though, I just can't do it. As independent as I am, this relationship has shown me how much better I do with someone physically by my side and with that affection and sleeping next to somebody. Cuddling, sleeping in the same bed with someone is not something I do with anyone - including my mother and for whatever reason I'm only comfortable with my boyfriend.

I want that in my every day life. (plus I need to get out of this place!!!)

I want to say, I don't think that your relationship is any less valid than anyone elses just because you don't have a time to close the distance or the drive to do it immediately, I don't think that about anyone's relationship. I realize that different dynamics work out different for everyone, we're all individuals and at different points in our lives.


Goalie, we're kind of in the same position. Most of the things in my life are pointing to me to go, go, go. So I'm going. We knew that we wanted to be together right away but we needed to test our relationship for awhile first. Even though we weren't ready to move in together, we had a long discussion about when we thought would be a time when we WOULD be ready and want to live together and that's the deadline we set up. Now the pieces are falling into place and I'm thankful.

[ChibiFelicia]

No, no deadline. Im hitting 27 this year >.< and really i wanna close the distance soon.But realistically i cant. Plus we both dont want to rush things. We have been together for over 2.5 years. Really im ready to move to him but he isnt ready financially. Him going back to the civilian world didnt go as smoothly as he had hoped.

[books]

In the beginning, I said -one year, no more. Right now that seems laughable because we have just passed the one year LD mark. Now I'm saying, next year, that's it. Our situation is very difficult because of the communication issues. My SO has no internet access so we've never skyped. Of course, the first thing anyone tells me when they find out my SO lives in another country is: "Well, thank goodness there's Skype nowadays".

On the bright side, I have a job which offers me generous vacation, but the trips are still expensive. We've had two visits as an LD couple and have another planned for May. I have found myself counting exactly how many visits before we close the distance. The airport goodbyes are the worst.

I'm 33 years old and just so ready to start my life with my SO. My only real committments tend to be financial- I'm trying to pay down student loan debt before I make the move. I finished my Master's in 2009 and have no plans to start another degree. I rent on a month-to-month basis- no lease. I have a job now which I enjoy, but wouldn't have a problem leaving. Of course, every now and then I have a moment where I think staying would be worth it. Just yesterday my boss told me she's ready to start "grooming" me to take over the vice-president position when she retires next year. If I did decide to stay, I feel like that would draw our closing the distance plan out because that would entail a lengthy visa process whereas me moving to him requires just a residency application after we're married.

[fitfilipina]

Again, fit, for you it just sounds like the timing isn't right to set a real deadline, life is too much in flux. That's not your fault while it's definitely admirable to have set up a light at the end of the tunnel and at least then you'll know for sure what's going on and hopefully can set a time to close the distance - or know more of what is happening within the dynamics of your relationship.

Like I said, if we were younger, the deadline on our relationship wouldn't be there, but given we're both in a position to make it happen, with not much standing in our way other than actual physical miles ... I felt like for my relationship it's something we needed, wanted and we're sticking too.

I also know, it's only been 10 months (even though I've had feelings for my boyfriend for two years before that) since we've been in an LDR and I'm burnt out. I think if we didn't have a set date I wouldn't be able to go on. Love doesn't conquer all, especially feelings of exhaustion (or maybe I'm getting the flu)[COLOR="Silver"]

Hehe, I definitely know how you feel! These months since we've been in a LDR have been one of the most physical and mentally draining experiences of my life. Getting teary/sad is like a weekly occurrence now, which makes my boyfriend laugh because I once told him it took me so much to cry! Staying positive is really the only way I can make it through it -- I know I'm young and shouldn't be in a rush, but this love is my life and I just want it to start already.