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**Haley53** · April 18, 2012, 01:35 AM

I think you should focus on why it's so important that he does these little things, like sending you chocolate. I have done a lot for my partner in the way of financing visits and I have sent him multiple care packages whereas he's only sent me the one, for my birthday. Whereas a lot of this is due to his not having the financial means of sending me something heavier in the mail, it does not cost too much to send a letter and it wouldn't cost so much to write me a little something for one of our anniversaries that we celebrate when we see one another in person, and yet, that's not his thing. Does it bother me? Sometimes, yes. :P He wrote me a lovely letter for my birthday last year and I may ask him for one as a birthday present this year, but at the same time, I have to realise that that's not his thing. I'm the writer of the relationship and so it's easier for me to sit down and write out pages, on a regular basis, than it is for him. I love spoiling him and am almost always throwing away money when I impulse-buy something that reminds me of him. He has an extremely tight budget and so can't really impulse buy me anything. But in the end, that's who my partner is, and I can't keep score simply because I send more things to him than he does to me. He shows and expresses his love to me in other ways.

So on the one hand, I do think it's important to analyse why it bothers you so much that your partner shows you love but does not engage in the material part that you do. I know that when it comes to me, and writing letters, a lot of it is down to the fact that they're thoughtful gestures that come from the very core of my heart, and so I sometimes wish he would express the same... and that's when I have to slap myself and realise that he does, but he does it in his own way, not mine, and I would say the same is true of your SO. On the other hand, "you made a choice to leave it behind when you moved there" is, in my opinion, a really ridiculous, immature argument to give when you ask for chocolate. If he's able to send it to you, I don't see why he shouldn't, or you could at least offer to compensate for the chocolates if he'd send you a box or two. I think my issue with his behaviour is more about the actual retaliations he's giving you for why he supposedly can't send you the chocolate as opposed to his not actually sending it, but that may not be yours. :P So I suppose that for me, complaining about not being sent something or having him make material romantic gestures is a non-complaint, because I have a SO who's equally as thoughtful as I am but does not always express it so creatively, but complaining about his reasons for not sending you chocolate is not invalid at all.

**Manoek** · April 18, 2012, 05:24 AM

Originally posted by Hololz View Post

I told him I've been missing some chocolate from england (I'm currently in the USA) and have asked, very nicely, several times if he would be able to send me a pack or 2. He so far has refused (although he did bring a packet when he came to visit). He basically told me that "missing it" was self inflicted becuase I made the decision to move here and if i really wanted it, i could buy it off the internet. However, for me, the point is not about the chocolate anymore. Its about the fact that he just downright refuses to do one very small thing that I ask of him. He then goes on to make a huge deal about how he came to visit me for 2 weeks and how he makes an effort to talk to me on skype whenever he gets a chance. I GET that these are extremely caring and loving things for him to do, and of course I appreciate every moment we get to spend physically together, or talking.

If he doesn't have the money for it, ok.. But saying that its self inflicted, I think is just rude. And that he picks up the phone is not extremeley caring. I also don't think that if a partner does something, the other person has to do something as well, keeping score. So you can't ask for anything anymore because he did something for you? If I would do that with my SO he still has a whole bunch to do for me to make up for all the money I spend on tickets, food (when I was there) and skype money -__-

I don't think its fair that you feel like crap over this.

**Malaga** · April 18, 2012, 05:27 AM

I'd say your problem isn't that he isn't thoughtful enough, it's the fact he appears to resent you deep down for having moved. He may say he's OK with it and that he supports you, but the way he acts is as if he's punishing you for what you did wrong in his eyes. Maybe he thinks your priorities were wrong when you moved, and that you made him second best when you went for it. He needs to connect the reasons why you're there now with how it will benefit your future together. Forget the chocolates, try to get to the bottom of this, why he feels that way. If you don't, it will reflect in other things too. When/if you resolve this, he'll have no problem with sending you chocolates or anything else.

**Softy** · April 18, 2012, 08:26 AM

Sometimes we don't realize right away that we 'fight over small things'.
Personally for me, it came with maturity and time.
When I was younger, I use to fight over small things.
At that time I did not realize it was small, to me it was big issues.

Like your box of chocolate, it's not really about that, it's about another issue

**LoveL** · April 18, 2012, 09:14 AM

SO A -*Thinks to self... " I could really use some chocolates. Maybe SO B will give me some."
SO A - "Hey honey, I want some chocolates.....why don't you ever send me things or do romantic things for me?"

SO B - *offended because he feels like he does give and do romantic things...*
SO B - "What are you talking about? I come and see you, I make as much time for us as I can and focus all of my daily activities around our life together. If you want chocolates so bad, just order some. You chose to move away anyway...

SO A - *Now also offended because B has taken things too personally and refused to do what seems like a simple task AND because she perceives his as being not-romantic enough anyway....*
SO A - All I'm asking for is chocolates, I don't think that's too much to ask. It's not hard to do. Why can't you give me that?

Is that pretty much how it went down, with a lot more stuff thrown into the mix?

First of all, asking for a gift isn't really the meaning or point of a gift, is it? You don't get to decide when and where and for how much and what type of gift someone gives you..... it's a gift. That's not how gifts work. If he wants to give you flowers and chocolates two weeks from now, but you're pressing for them now because you want them and don't think he's romantic enough to begin with, then how do you think that makes him feel when he MIGHT have already been planning something for some other time? (I'm not saying that he was. But look at this from his perspective. Pressing for a gift kind of makes you seem a little selfish in his mind.)

On the flip side, if he NEVER gives you anything, then there are other issues at work. Guys do tend to assume that everything is OK and when things are going good, they don't really need to lavish on the gifts and/or do the same kinds of things that they did during the courting period perhaps. In a male mind, the goal is to win you over first and then kind of settle into life together. Guys needs to remember that courting and romanticism and all of that stuff needs to continue all the way through the relationship, so that part is on him.

But seriously, you can't ask for romance and gifts. If you do, then they won't be nearly as special when you get them. Wouldn't you more prefer those chocolates if he sent them of his own accord than if you had to ask for them? Part of making things romantic and special means the other person not knowing about them until they arrive. Leave him and opportunity for some mystery. If things go on for loooong periods of time and he never does anything to continue courting you, then you have a gripe.

One last thing, if you are sending him gifts just because you love him and want to show him that love through care packages, that's great. Just make sure you aren't sending them in hope of spawning him to send you more things too. That's not how gifts work.

**Malaga** · April 18, 2012, 09:44 AM

Originally posted by LoveL View Post

But seriously, you can't ask for romance and gifts. If you do, then they won't be nearly as special when you get them. Wouldn't you more prefer those chocolates if he sent them of his own accord than if you had to ask for them? Part of making things romantic and special means the other person not knowing about them until they arrive. Leave him and opportunity for some mystery. If things go on for loooong periods of time and he never does anything to continue courting you, then you have a gripe.

I disagree. Why shouldn't she ask for gifts and romance? How else is he supposed to know what she wants? He can't read her mind. He might not be a romantic person himself and he might think romantic is him calling her on Skype every evening. Wouldn't even think of chocolates. To her calling on Skype isn't romantic, it's a basic feature in a relationship, and chocolates = romantic. You said it yourself, guys tend to assume everything is OK so if she never asks for anything, then surely she's OK with him not sending anything?

It might be less special the first time she asks for it, and the second time. Maybe the third time she won't have to ask for it anymore but he'll get the message.

However I don't think the problem here is him not knowing what she wants. The reasons he gave her for not wanting to send her anything sound dodgy. "You inflicted it upon yourself by moving there". That's just spite.

**LoveL** · April 18, 2012, 10:27 AM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

I disagree. Why shouldn't she ask for gifts and romance? How else is he supposed to know what she wants? He can't read her mind. He might not be a romantic person himself and he might think romantic is him calling her on Skype every evening. Wouldn't even think of chocolates. To her calling on Skype isn't romantic, it's a basic feature in a relationship, and chocolates = romantic. You said it yourself, guys tend to assume everything is OK so if she never asks for anything, then surely she's OK with him not sending anything?

It might be less special the first time she asks for it, and the second time. Maybe the third time she won't have to ask for it anymore but he'll get the message.

However I don't think the problem here is him not knowing what she wants. The reasons he gave her for not wanting to send her anything sound dodgy. "You inflicted it upon yourself by moving there". That's just spite.

You're right about the last part.
His thing about her leaving and blaming her for not being able to get the chocolates because she doesn't live there did sound spiteful. I'm sure that comes from him blaming her for their inability to be together. I don't know what he meant by that. We can only assume that Hololz chose to be in the states for one reason or another and he isn't happy about it. That wasn't right of him to bring it up. Agreed.

But he's obviously not a total incompetent in regards to knowing what she likes and what she wants because she said that when he came in person, he did bring her chocolates.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with expressing to another person what you like and what you want when asking for a gift. But there is a difference between expecting and/or demanding what that gift is. It's a necessary part of knowing what someone wants and it's a tool that we can use to come up with gift ideas. But people, everywhere, need to understand that a gift should be a spontaneous gesture from one person to another, coming from their heart. What the item actually is shouldn't even matter. Someone took time, planned, spent money and created something that was special to them for the sole reason that they were giving it to you. Gifts aren't something that should be dictated by holidays or personal desires of the receiver. Those should be taken into account certainly, but they aren't the basis for a gift. I just don't like the fact that many people decide on what they want and then impose that desire as if it is the only gift that they will accept. The art of gift giving and the general feeling that we deserve whatever gift we think we want and that it should be delivered how and when we want it is one of the reasons that people don't give gifts anymore.

Let's say the SO sends chocolates tomorrow. Will he have sent them out of love and because he was thinking deeply about Hololz? Or will they have come from something else? Will she enjoy as much knowing that they came for that reason?

See what I mean?

The issues, in how they relate to Hololz and her SO have nothing to do with Chocolates or gifts. They both went into that conversation with some extra baggage and it wound up being an agrument from left field.

The real issue, it seems, is that she feels like he isn't romantic enough. He is hurt because of this because he feels like he is doing everything he can to give them time together. (Like when he visited and makes phone calls or Skype time or whatever it was that he said) He also somewhat resents her for leaving and is justifying himself in not giving gifts the way he might want to because "I do everything else. She can buy he own chocolates. She never comes to see me and I went to see her... pout pout."

Those are the issues and the conversation that needs to take place, not an argument over chocolates.

**ushiwakafox** · April 18, 2012, 10:43 AM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

I disagree. Why shouldn't she ask for gifts and romance? How else is he supposed to know what she wants? He can't read her mind. He might not be a romantic person himself and he might think romantic is him calling her on Skype every evening. Wouldn't even think of chocolates. To her calling on Skype isn't romantic, it's a basic feature in a relationship, and chocolates = romantic. You said it yourself, guys tend to assume everything is OK so if she never asks for anything, then surely she's OK with him not sending anything?

It might be less special the first time she asks for it, and the second time. Maybe the third time she won't have to ask for it anymore but he'll get the message.

However I don't think the problem here is him not knowing what she wants. The reasons he gave her for not wanting to send her anything sound dodgy. "You inflicted it upon yourself by moving there". That's just spite.

I agree here. Asking your SO for something that you want means that you respect him enough to key him in on what's going on in your mind. Don't play games and wait around for a gift that he doesn't know he's supposed to send. No, it's not about gifts. But if you are very able to give, why not? There's a fine line though, don't get selfish. It's good that you appreciate all the things that he does and that he's an active member of your relationship, but so are you. He shouldn't expect props for something that you're doing as well. But honestly, the whole " You brought it on yourself" thing is spiteful. My SO does that sometimes, and I hate that shit. DO. NOT. BUY. IT. This is your life too, don't feel guilty just because you chose a certain road in your life. I think if anything, maybe you should investigate why he said that. If he's feeling spiteful about you moving then y'all need to get that straightened out.
Back to the chocolate, I know where you're coming from. My SO is a bit clueless sometimes when it comes to that. When we were LD, he NEVER sent random gifts. He did send gifts for birthdays and holidays, but never a letter or anything for "Just cuz" occasions. And it did make me feel weird about it. He's getting better now, but we're CD now. I learned that if you want something from him, you need to ask him straight up. Don't sugar coat it, don't make excuses. You want chocolate from him because you would appreciate the gesture, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Be confident in yourself and your wants in this relationship. You've gotta be black and white with guys sometimes. You want chocolate from him because it's from him, not because it's from a certain part of the world. And you need to tell him that because he thinks that you don't appreciate him, which obviously isn't true.
It's all about communicating a straight message. Don't feel like a bad SO, because you're not. He's not. It's just a part of LDRs :P

**Malaga** · April 18, 2012, 11:01 AM

Originally posted by LoveL View Post

What the item actually is shouldn't even matter. Someone took time, planned, spent money and created something that was special to them for the sole reason that they were giving it to you. Gifts aren't something that should be dictated by holidays or personal desires of the receiver. Those should be taken into account certainly, but they aren't the basis for a gift.

I understand your point, but I think in this context it would only be applicable if he wanted to send her gummy bears and she said, "no, I want chocolate dammit!" Gifts and the thought behind it should always be appreciated, but he sends her none, and to her they mean something. I think she would accept anything he sent her, but he doesn't. She could go the passive-aggressive way like so many girls, "you never send me anything". But she told him she really misses chocolate from back home and asked him if he could send her any. I think it's the least obtrusive and misleading way you could ask your SO to do something for you, and remind them of what you like. That's what it is actually.

You should be free to disclose your wishes with your SO without feelings of pressure and obligations, it's all part of the trust package. Whenever I go see my boyfriend I bring him something. I'm only too happy when he tells me something specific he'd like to get. I know he'd be just as happy if I brought anything else, or even nothing at all, but I'm really happy when I can fulfill his wish.

**LoveL** · April 18, 2012, 11:11 AM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

I understand your point, but I think in this context it would only be applicable if he wanted to send her gummy bears and she said, "no, I want chocolate dammit!" Gifts and the thought behind it should always be appreciated, but he sends her none, and to her they mean something. I think she would accept anything he sent her, but he doesn't. She could go the passive-aggressive way like so many girls, "you never send me anything". But she told him she really misses chocolate from back home and asked him if he could send her any. I think it's the least obtrusive and misleading way you could ask your SO to do something for you, and remind them of what you like. That's what it is actually.

You should be free to disclose your wishes with your SO without feelings of pressure and obligations, it's all part of the trust package. Whenever I go see my boyfriend I bring him something. I'm only too happy when he tells me something specific he'd like to get. I know he'd be just as happy if I brought anything else, or even nothing at all, but I'm really happy when I can fulfill his wish.

Fair enough. In this context, the point I was making about gifts in general might be a little off topic as it doesn't directly apply to Hololz's situation.

But, like I said, the bigger issue is not the chocolates or the gifts. It's his feeling like she left. That's what they need to work on before they have a conversation about why he isn't romantic.

**FierceFoxie** · April 18, 2012, 01:08 PM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

I'd say your problem isn't that he isn't thoughtful enough, it's the fact he appears to resent you deep down for having moved. He may say he's OK with it and that he supports you, but the way he acts is as if he's punishing you for what you did wrong in his eyes. Maybe he thinks your priorities were wrong when you moved, and that you made him second best when you went for it. He needs to connect the reasons why you're there now with how it will benefit your future together. Forget the chocolates, try to get to the bottom of this, why he feels that way. If you don't, it will reflect in other things too. When/if you resolve this, he'll have no problem with sending you chocolates or anything else.

Yes! That is what I picked up from the post too! I'm not sure if that can necessarily be fixed because its something he has to deal with but that you deciding to move away from him has damaged him. Maybe he felt you thought school/job whatever it was here in the US was more important than him. He feels you chose "whatever it is" over the relationship.

**Hololz** · April 18, 2012, 02:55 PM

Thankyou everyone for your replies. I'm at work so I can only give a brief reply at the moment.

Just a little background on our story: We were CD for 8 months before I moved away for university (I accepted the place before we even got together, so he knew what was coming). He then moved to the same city as me about 6 months into the LDR (Completley his choice, I made it clear that he could choose to go to univeristy in any city he wanted to and I would be supportive of that). We then fluctuated between LD and CD due to his university holidays and my university holiays being different. I am on a 4 year degree program, which includes a placement year, he knew this from the begining of the relationship, and I always said I would like to do it abroad as I didnt take a gap year. I applied for 5 jobs in england and got rejected, however, I was accepted for the placement in america - a VERY good placement, working with one of the leading biologists in the feild. Unfortunatley, there wasnt much to discuss, I had to take the placement or get thrown off the 4 year degree into the 3 year, so obviously I accepted. We have now been LD again since June 2011. He says he doesnt resent me for going, he just misses me, but sometimes (like last night) I feel he isnt being honest about that. Overall though he is extremely supportive. I've made it clear that I will be willing to move to where he is after we both graduates (he graduates before me) as long as there are sufficent job or higher education opportunities there.

For me this isnt just about "I want chocolate, gimme!" its that, while yes, I can order them online, its more about the gesture from him, I would enjoy the parcel much more if I knew it had come from him rather than some random internet site (I have offered to send him the money so he can buy it and send it to me - but again he refused). If he asked me for something, I would be more than happy to send it.

When we were together on his visit over here, he was very romantic and bought me some surprise gifts before he left. I'm just confused becuase it seems that, as soon as we become long distance again and are not physically together, suddenly the ocean becomes a barrier, and he makes out like sending gifts and letters to each other is a waste of time?!

Then he makes out like he made "SUCH AN EFFORT" to come here, when, as far as I was aware, we both had a very lovley, mutually beneficial holiday?! It just came out of the blue. It upset me. He shouldve spoken up sooner if there was an issue...

He is a very lovley and genuine person, and I feel crappy because now I have offended him

when really he actually does do a lot for me. Its not that I need gifts to feel appreciated and loved (although they are nice to get), but he knows that I enjoy getting mail and it makes me really happy recieve letters and postcards. It just seemed odd to me that for some reason, he cant find 10 minutes to communicate with me in a way that I would appreciate. We both enjoy our conversations on skype, dont get me wrong there, but he gets the same fulfillment from that as I would get from say, a letter every now and then. (I can read a letter when I miss him, I cant always call him)

**LoveL** · April 18, 2012, 04:33 PM

Hololz,

I'll bet his change of attitude is just because he doesn't really know how to deal with the distance.
Sending gifts, doing post cards, and all of the other little things that you mentioned might still be reminding him of the fact that there is an ocean between you and that's hard to deal with.

When we are using the reasoning part of our brains, we know that things like a better job and better education and what not are good for our SOs, so of course we are supportive. But the primal and emotional parts of our brains simply hate and loathe and despise the fact that we're so far away from the person we love. It's difficult. And on hard days, when the emotional is overtaking the rational, we don't want to deal with that so we find all kinds of ways to reject it, including maybe even rejecting the person that we are in love with to a certain extent. It's not on purpose. I think he's just trying to protect himself from feeling the hurt of dealing with the distance.

Talk about that with him and see if I'm not way off base.

He's an absolute doll in person because he psychologically has all of the things he needs to feel content and secure.
When you're apart, there is a part of him that feels insecure and he doesn't like it so he doesn't address it maybe in the way that he should. I'll bet the way your relationship works is that both of you spend a of you time doing your own thing until you can finally come together at the end of the day(s). In doing so, you're able to avoid the issue of knowing that there is distance, and that can help temporarily. But you can't make that a habit. If he's getting too comfy having his own time and his becoming less and less romantic continues, you need to pull him back to the core of your relationship and get him focused on what you're both going the pain of the distance for.

**Hololz** · April 18, 2012, 06:21 PM

Originally posted by LoveL View Post

He's an absolute doll in person because he psychologically has all of the things he needs to feel content and secure.
When you're apart, there is a part of him that feels insecure and he doesn't like it so he doesn't address it maybe in the way that he should. I'll bet the way your relationship works is that both of you spend a of you time doing your own thing until you can finally come together at the end of the day(s). In doing so, you're able to avoid the issue of knowing that there is distance, and that can help temporarily. But you can't make that a habit. If he's getting too comfy having his own time and his becoming less and less romantic continues, you need to pull him back to the core of your relationship and get him focused on what you're both going the pain of the distance for.

Thankyou LoveL this actually really helped. What you described is very true of our relationship. We mostly spend alot of time doing our thing before a quick chat before we go to sleep at night (Although because of the time difference and work shedules there arn't really any other options). I know he is usually very tired when we do get to talk though, becuase he is 5 hours ahead of me, so its usually late night/early morning by the time we get to chat. This usually isnt the best time for us to have discussions. Any idea how I can make him feel more less insecure about the distance? I try texting him with I love you etc, but its obviously very expensive to do internationally, so we try keep it to a minimum. However, I instant message him throughout the day, even if we cant chat properly.

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I feel like a really crappy SO right now :(

I feel like a really crappy SO right now :(

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