Confused with LDR ex-not-ex-gf-ish relationship; Advice Needed.

[sweetisthehour]

My first post. I apologize if it's not done correctly.

My LDR [ex]gf doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship, still wants me to visit her on my way back home, and wants to try to be together when we're back in the same place (a month from now).

She went through a month of breaking up with me and getting back together days after the break up, all in a cyclical fashion, four times in a row. She doesn't want me to see other people, gets jealous if I say I met someone, and doesn't want to see other people herself, which I can confidently say is probably true. Yet she doesn't want to continue the "distance" relationship. I'm 23. She's 25. Distance will be closed in a month. I have personal issues I need to sort out, but as soon as I decided to solve them is when she left me. Like a healthier me, a healthier relationship scares her. We both have had plenty of partners, and have been in a similar circle of friends back home. I've been in long term relationships, this is my first long distance attempt. Why would she give up with the intention to get back together with only a month apart? I have been devastated until basically a few days ago from her break ups and getting back together. And of course she's attempted to what feels to me string me along. But I've stood my ground. I want to know how to go about this. How to ensure we'll be together, as I know that's what she wants. She is adamant about me visiting her on my way home, and doing anything I want from her, and kissing my "handsome face" blah blah yada yada. It's like when she leaves me she loves me more than when she's with me.

We were FWB for 7 years irregularly before we became exclusive 11 months ago. Our relationship has had it's troubles, and begun or has been revived by extremely bizarre and fated-like circumstances. I broke up with her twice before due to temper tantrums she had, that were BPD behavior in my opinion. But, I love her, and truly like her, when she's not being overly emotional, or b*tchy. Sorry for the crude language, but it's the only word I know to describe how she's been at times. I haven't gone a day without thinking about her, even in a 3 year relationship, since I met her. I doubt she can say the same, but I don't mind, because I've always loved and respected her. The distance has been very hard on me, and what I would say is an annoyance for her. I've finally come to a point where I know what I need to do with myself, my life, etc...and that's a nice clear place to be. But, her influence on me is still strong. And I also want her to be an influence on me, I desire her. I've never felt so comfortable with someone. I don't think she's ever had someone love her as much as I have, let alone treat her as more than a sex object. We've both been fairly promiscuous, although she was in a far different way than I. I'm rambling.

I could go on about what about her and why I love her, but I'll save that. We connect, and both physically as well as mentally, are beyond compatible. But, emotionally, we can clash, hence the ups and downs, on top of the issue of the distance. All of our problems began when the distance was realized, and she became an emotional pendulum, unsure of whether to stay or to go, knowing we'd be separate. But she's stayed, or come back, until now, when she truly has left, until on her terms it seems, she will try to see if we can work things out.

I don't understand what she's doing. I just figured, we're together or we're not. Make a choice, and stick to it. I see her, and only her. I love her, and only her. Etc...

Can someone please help.

I will post more details according to what questions are possibly asked.

[Frankenbat]

PM me? I went through/am going through something very similar right now! I think I can help.

[Haley53]

A relationship, especially a long distance one, is about communication. If her communication style resembles someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, then really, she's the only one who's going to be able to fix this relationship. Personally, I could never do a relationship with anyone who only wanted me when we could be close distance, but that's me. I could also never do a relationship with someone who can't communicate effectively. Have you ever sat her down and laid out what you both want from a relationship?

[Softy]

I don't understand what she's doing.

You know what, me neither!
From reading you I find it confusing.
But a thing I know, a human heart is not a 'Yo-yo'.
She cannot say 'yes i want to be with you' one day and 'nah i dont feel like it' the other.

You need to sit down with her and talk and decide if you BOTH want to carry on as a serious relationship.
If you don't do that you may end up broken really.
And even if you think it's fine like this for now, in the long run it's not healthy.
And true love isn't about throwing around our SO like this....

Wish you the best sweets~!

[kteire]

If you think that she may have BPD, I highly recommend looking at https://www.bpdfamily.com
It's an online forum for people with loved ones (SOs, parents, siblings) with BPD, and there are sections for advice on having/staying in/leaving a relationship with a person with BPD. My dad has it, and it's been a very useful site for me!

Otherwise, the part that you said, about how a healthier you and a healthier relationship scares her, really stuck out for me. If she's resisting you finding a way to be healthier and happier, you need to get some space from her. You can't be in a healthy relationship if you're not being supported by her, and the way she is toying with you will not help in the slightest. If she really wants to be with you, she needs to get help with things. Even if she doesn't have BPD, it sounds like she does have her own things that she needs to work out, but unfortunately, she needs to be the one to decide to deal with it.

[sweetisthehour]

I just wrote a long diatribe but I deleted it because I am still not in the proper headspace to discuss this. We talked for a long time last night about a lot of things, it ended well, especially on her part, or toward me, but this is all still kind of up in the air and largely dependent upon what I want to do. I'll update after I visit her, tomorrow I'm driving out, I believe. Thank you for your responses.

I wish I could go into more detail, but like I said above, I don't really know what to say right now.

[sweetisthehour]

And yes, I know we need to discuss it. It's hard to sit down together when you're two states apart. But, fortunately I'm going to see her within the next few days. I have a feeling that, if I succeed in making the changes I plan on making for myself, we have a long and bright road ahead of us, together. I can choose the easy way and just wait around for the next girl, or go out every night and hook up with randoms; or, I can choose the harder path of self-mastery and love, and have something that most people wish for: a beautiful partner who makes me happy. She knows as much too. I told her once: "Against the odd's, always against the odds, but never without desire." And I'll stick to that for now. The stars have aligned far too often and brought us together against the most unlikely of circumstances for me to just up and leave; and she clearly can't just leave either, despite how stubborn she is, she can't seem to get enough of me : )

But, as with anything, I have to view it as temporary, or momentary, or as something to enjoy Now, while it lasts, and not project, nor dwell on the past.

She told me a lot of reassuring things last night, and we cleared a lot up, but there are still some things her and I need to get out.

Wish me luck.