I need to vent

[Zapookie]

I have to say, something like that wouldn't sit well with me either. I would first off be uncomfortable with my SO being BFFs with someone he's slept with before, let alone having this person staying at his house? And answering his phone? Sorry.. I don't mean to make you feel bad. You haven't met him yet, but is there a chance that he could have lied when he said he has told people about you? Have you ever met any of his friends over skype or anything like that?

[Haley53]

seriously what a stupid cow is she!! Doesn't matter if she is just a friend or his ex, she should first not answer his phone and second say this when pick up. I would tell your SO what she said and how it made you feel uncomfortable..

oh man I would go nuts as well! and I understand this with the visa thing.. just talk with your SO and let us know what he said!

She said her name... xD The OPer, I'm assuming, didn't want to share her name but also wanted to explain who she was in relation to her SO. I'm assuming the girl did not answer with "the previous friends-with-benefits girl."

[lala]

She said her name... xD The OPer, I'm assuming, didn't want to share her name but also wanted to explain who she was in relation to her SO. I'm assuming the girl did not answer with "the previous friends-with-benefits girl."

haha ok I misuderstood..

[Haley53]

haha ok I misuderstood..

I thought that at first too and was like "O.O". Then I re-read it and felt a little better, even though the entire situation would still make me feel awkward.

OP - Do let us know how it goes?

[Jazi]

I have to say, something like that wouldn't sit well with me either. I would first off be uncomfortable with my SO being BFFs with someone he's slept with before, let alone having this person staying at his house? And answering his phone? Sorry.. I don't mean to make you feel bad. You haven't met him yet, but is there a chance that he could have lied when he said he has told people about you? Have you ever met any of his friends over skype or anything like that?

^ This. I'm not a believer in being friends with the ex (or the ex friends with benefits..). It almost always makes it uncomfortable for the SO knowing that their bf/gf still has regular interacting with someone they had sex with and that they are on good terms. Has he ever asked you if you're ok with him still having so much contact with her?

It also sounds like you didn't know the whole story with how close they actually were, rule number 1 - communication, he really needed to be open with you about it.. your relationship is still new and fresh though and you haven't met in person so it may just be a little bump in the road of him getting used to how to communicate with you in your relationship. It took my SO a while to find his feet in having a deep serious relationship where you realise the things that you do on a day to day basis involve/effect your SO too because you are a COUPLE as well as individuals.. some people find it hard to adjust to that balance.

I would have a conversation with him about being involved with each other, maybe tell him how well he is doing with his communication (in areas you think he is good in) and then talk to him on the areas that you feel you both need to work on and discuss ways to approach it.

I also think you need to have the "how involved with the opposite sex/exes is it ok to be with" conversation.. if you're not comfortable with the ex-FWB around then I think you should say something and come to a better solution with that.

[Malaga]

Even if they weren't scheming, this is just wrong. Especially if the conversation went in the exact same order as you wrote. First of all, she has no business answering someone else's phone, in the house she doesn't live in. There are answering machines for a reason. Or call forwarding.

Second, you ask for your SO and before she answers she wants you to introduce yourself? wtf? This is someone else's phone, so her answer should be, "I'm sorry, he's not around right now, but may I take your name so I can tell him you called?" Not "And who are you?"

I'd say at the very least she's overstepping her boundaries and being controlling. Maybe she thinks she has dibs on him, being his super close best friend and thinks she can meddle in who he hangs out with. Worst case scenario is they're still going at it behind your back. But you definitely have a very legit reason to feel uncomfortable and I wouldn't let it slide if I were in your place.

[Jolien]

Am I the only one that will say:

If his story is true after all and he cares about you he would dump that girl as a friend! Because that girl is not a friend at all.. If he doesn't do anything about it he just doesn't care(enough) and then I would start to wonder if the guy is right one for you after all.

Of course he can also lie about the fact he isn't friends anymore but that lie will come out anyways. No one can lie that long.(They always forget the details)

good luck.

[Haley53]

Second, you ask for your SO and before she answers she wants you to introduce yourself? wtf? This is someone else's phone, so her answer should be, "I'm sorry, he's not around right now, but may I take your name so I can tell him you called?" Not "And who are you?"

But it was the OP who asked who she was speaking to, not the girl. The other girl answered, the OP thought it might be the mother so asked to make sure (so that she could introduce herself), and the girl answered with her name. The OP was shocked to hear it because it was the same name of her SO's old FWB.

I want to put in my two cents and say while it's okay to discuss how uncomfortable you might be with a certain behaviour, e.g. she still has the key to the house or he still invites her over, alone, to begin with, but I don't think it's ever okay to have the conversation of how much contact you should have with someone you used to date or even screw. Why? Simply because different people have different opinions, and you should not control someone out of your own insecurity (assuming that nothing has gone on between these two since you and he became exclusive). For example, I don't believe in being friends with my exes, and so I'm not. My SO doesn't believe in it, either, at this point, though there was a time he was talking with one of his. As much as I hated it and could express my fear/discomfort, I had to realise it was my issue and work on finding a solution to it as such.

If he's still doing something with her, and you find out, and you want to move past it, and he doesn't want to cut her out, then in my opinion, that says something about your SO. If she did something that made you uncomfortable or if he did and he doesn't want to work on fixing it, that says something about your SO. If you believe that because you're uncomfortable or because you disagree with that it's okay to be friends with an ex (partner or FWB) that he should not have any contact with her anymore, or have very little contact, that says something about you. Different people have different opinions on what level of contact is okay to have. Maybe it says something, maybe it doesn't, but there are people who are good friends with their exes and absolutely nothing happens nor is anything particularly left over. Confronting him about how much time should be allowed to be spent with an ex is controlling behaviour and it band-aids the insecurity and lack of trust. Behaviour, if it's inappropriate, should be modified, but no one has any right to dictate friends based on how insecure they are.

Opinions on the ex factor are pretty big compatibilities. If you get someone who's naturally paranoid and jealous, who wants no contact with their exes for reasons, and put them with someone who's more flippant about it and who believes friendships can be had with exes and whose current best friend is an ex, for example, it's likely not going to work. It doesn't make either of them wrong, but it makes them incompatible. This is a big issue and I feel like all too often you get people who clash heads over it. :/ However, I wanted to point out that it's a very real possibility that having a "how much should the exes be involved?" conversation could backfire. Some people are fine having it. For me, it's fine to have before we get serious about one another, as in, before we go exclusive, because having someone try and push me around as far as who I'm friends with, regardless of my relation to them, makes me feel resentful and controlled. Simply wanted to say that depending on his personal opinions, if you have that sort of conversation, it may initially make him angry and secondly, you don't really have a right to say you're uncomfortable with her being so present so he should stop having as much contact with her.

ETA: What did the girl do wrong? As far as I understand it, she answered the bloody phone? "Hello?" "Hello. May I ask who I'm speaking to?" "girl's name here." I am not getting the TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS reactions that everyone's having based on that conversation. That sounds like the way I would answer the phone and the way that I would answer the question. Yes, the situation is odd, but it's more odd because I've never found it customary to answer someone's phone unless the sitter explicitly asked it to happen and also because the OP heard her SO's voice in the background. I'd also be curious as to what Zapookie asked. It's also a real possibility that if something is going on between them, she's as ignorant to the OP as the OP was to her being there. Don't condemn her and treat her like she's some homewrecker when all the information you received about her was that she answered the phone and the OP's question. Also, jumping to conclusions, however suspicious a situation might seem, will only be detrimental. The OP has a right to get clarification on it, but I think we should wait to pass judgment other than our analysis of the situation and the facts we were presented with and wait until we hear more out of the SO.

[Dauntedpoet]

a woman picked up... I asked for my SO and she then proceeded to ask who I was. I said I was a friend of him and told her my name, then she said he wasn't available. ......., so I asked who I was speaking with, so I could introduce myself properly, and she said "insert the name of his old friend-with-benefits here"...

ETA: What did the girl do wrong? As far as I understand it, she answered the bloody phone? "Hello?" "Hello. May I ask who I'm speaking to?" "girl's name here." I am not getting the TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS reactions that everyone's having based on that conversation. That sounds like the way I would answer the phone and the way that I would answer the question.

The former FWB asked who the caller was before saying he was unavailable. I am not one to stand on ettiquette by any means, but that in and of itself is a clear sign that this woman feels entitled to screen his calls..that is PITCHFORK worthy, presumptive, possessive and RUDE.

I have no idea if anything went on. My PERSONAL OPINION is this girl is trying to cause problems for him with any girl, which is why she behaved as she did. THAT is something I'd be discussing with him.. "Dude, watching your dog is one thing, but she is totally rude to people when she answers your phone."

[Haley53]

The former FWB asked who the caller was before saying he was unavailable. I am not one to stand on ettiquette by any means, but that in and of itself is a clear sign that this woman feels entitled to screen his calls..that is PITCHFORK worthy, presumptive, possessive and RUDE.

I have no idea if anything went on. My PERSONAL OPINION is this girl is trying to cause problems for him with any girl, which is why she behaved as she did. THAT is something I'd be discussing with him.. "Dude, watching your dog is one thing, but she is totally rude to people when she answers your phone."

Oh, okay. I stand corrected! I totally didn't see that (got fixated on the other bit of the post), though I still would be careful about jumping to conclusions on that one. I was always taught how to answer the family's phones and do so politely, but I have had people ask who I am as soon as I've said "hello" or if I've asked to speak with someone. That being said, I work with students and student's parents, so I'm dealing with a multitude of personalities and I'm the one expected to remain professional and courteous. I would imagine the same would apply to her if she were asked to housesit, so maybe the two aren't comparable. :/

I still am not sure it's enough to jump to conclusions and make inferences, though I agree with Dauntedpoet about speaking to him about her behaviour as well. She essentially stated what I was saying, that you may not be allowed to choose who his friends are, but you can express when a certain situation or behaviour has made you uncomfortable. I don't currently feel it's enough evidence to condemn anyone, as there are horrible reasons for why she could have done what she did and innocent ones, but I also tend to put more focus on the SO than a lot of people when it's come to these situations, I've noticed, so it's also my own biased perspective.

I do apologise, though, I totally got lost in her actual quopted phone conversation and became blind to everything else! What I said about it may be retracted in this event, I suppose.

[Moon]

But it was the OP who asked who she was speaking to, not the girl. The other girl answered, the OP thought it might be the mother so asked to make sure (so that she could introduce herself), and the girl answered with her name. The OP was shocked to hear it because it was the same name of her SO's old FWB.

I want to put in my two cents and say while it's okay to discuss how uncomfortable you might be with a certain behaviour, e.g. she still has the key to the house or he still invites her over, alone, to begin with, but I don't think it's ever okay to have the conversation of how much contact you should have with someone you used to date or even screw. Why? Simply because different people have different opinions, and you should not control someone out of your own insecurity (assuming that nothing has gone on between these two since you and he became exclusive). For example, I don't believe in being friends with my exes, and so I'm not. My SO doesn't believe in it, either, at this point, though there was a time he was talking with one of his. As much as I hated it and could express my fear/discomfort, I had to realise it was my issue and work on finding a solution to it as such.

If he's still doing something with her, and you find out, and you want to move past it, and he doesn't want to cut her out, then in my opinion, that says something about your SO. If she did something that made you uncomfortable or if he did and he doesn't want to work on fixing it, that says something about your SO. If you believe that because you're uncomfortable or because you disagree with that it's okay to be friends with an ex (partner or FWB) that he should not have any contact with her anymore, or have very little contact, that says something about you. Different people have different opinions on what level of contact is okay to have. Maybe it says something, maybe it doesn't, but there are people who are good friends with their exes and absolutely nothing happens nor is anything particularly left over. Confronting him about how much time should be allowed to be spent with an ex is controlling behaviour and it band-aids the insecurity and lack of trust. Behaviour, if it's inappropriate, should be modified, but no one has any right to dictate friends based on how insecure they are.

Opinions on the ex factor are pretty big compatibilities. If you get someone who's naturally paranoid and jealous, who wants no contact with their exes for reasons, and put them with someone who's more flippant about it and who believes friendships can be had with exes and whose current best friend is an ex, for example, it's likely not going to work. It doesn't make either of them wrong, but it makes them incompatible. This is a big issue and I feel like all too often you get people who clash heads over it. :/ However, I wanted to point out that it's a very real possibility that having a "how much should the exes be involved?" conversation could backfire. Some people are fine having it. For me, it's fine to have before we get serious about one another, as in, before we go exclusive, because having someone try and push me around as far as who I'm friends with, regardless of my relation to them, makes me feel resentful and controlled. Simply wanted to say that depending on his personal opinions, if you have that sort of conversation, it may initially make him angry and secondly, you don't really have a right to say you're uncomfortable with her being so present so he should stop having as much contact with her.

ETA: What did the girl do wrong? As far as I understand it, she answered the bloody phone? "Hello?" "Hello. May I ask who I'm speaking to?" "girl's name here." I am not getting the TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS reactions that everyone's having based on that conversation. That sounds like the way I would answer the phone and the way that I would answer the question. Yes, the situation is odd, but it's more odd because I've never found it customary to answer someone's phone unless the sitter explicitly asked it to happen and also because the OP heard her SO's voice in the background. I'd also be curious as to what Zapookie asked. It's also a real possibility that if something is going on between them, she's as ignorant to the OP as the OP was to her being there. Don't condemn her and treat her like she's some homewrecker when all the information you received about her was that she answered the phone and the OP's question. Also, jumping to conclusions, however suspicious a situation might seem, will only be detrimental. The OP has a right to get clarification on it, but I think we should wait to pass judgment other than our analysis of the situation and the facts we were presented with and wait until we hear more out of the SO.

This has NOTHING to do with dictating friendships and time spent, but why would he not tell his girlfriend that the girl he used to screw is house sitting? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, unless the guy is as clueless and dumb as a box of rocks. If she were really just watching his dog, there is no need for her to answer his phone, that's what answering machines and voice mail are for. When things don't add up, they don't add up, period. Unfortunately people in love can be pretty blind to such things and find excuses in their heads, and sometimes enough people saying "Hey, somethings not quite right here" can help them get the answers they need, and quite frankly, something feels very wrong with the OP's situation. Hopefully, this is all a huge misunderstanding, but if it is, I'm sure she'll make it clear how she feels, at least.

As I said, I'm not a jealous person, nor am I all that insecure, but if I called my guy and this happened, he better have a very, very good explanation for it. Not because of his friendship, but the fact that he hid the information from me. I'd want to know if he were away, and if his former FWB was watching his place/dog/phone, whatever.

[Haley53]

This has NOTHING to do with dictating friendships and time spent, but why would he not tell his girlfriend that the girl he used to screw is house sitting? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, unless the guy is as clueless and dumb as a box of rocks. If she were really just watching his dog, there is no need for her to answer his phone, that's what answering machines and voice mail are for. When things don't add up, they don't add up, period. Unfortunately people in love can be pretty blind to such things and find excuses in their heads, and sometimes enough people saying "Hey, somethings not quite right here" can help them get the answers they need, and quite frankly, something feels very wrong with the OP's situation. Hopefully, this is all a huge misunderstanding, but if it is, I'm sure she'll make it clear how she feels, at least.

As I said, I'm not a jealous person, nor am I all that insecure, but if I called my guy and this happened, he better have a very, very good explanation for it. Not because of his friendship, but the fact that he hid the information from me. I'd want to know if he were away, and if his former FWB was watching his place/dog/phone, whatever.

The entire response you quoted was in response to this:

I'm not a believer in being friends with the ex (or the ex friends with benefits..). It almost always makes it uncomfortable for the SO knowing that their bf/gf still has regular interacting with someone they had sex with and that they are on good terms. Has he ever asked you if you're ok with him still having so much contact with her?

and

I also think you need to have the "how involved with the opposite sex/exes is it ok to be with" conversation.. if you're not comfortable with the ex-FWB around then I think you should say something and come to a better solution with that.

That was what that entire post was referring to, was that advice. Maybe I should have made it clearer I was responding to Jazi.

If you read through my other posts, what I'm saying is that the story is suspicious but I also think she should wait until talking to her SO before she jumps to conclusions, simply because yes, it's weird, but misunderstandings happen.

ETA: I also want to add that in the post you quoted, I never said she shouldn't talk to him about his behaviour. I actually said she should get clarification from him. I said that it could backfire on her if she approaches him with a "I'm not comfortable with you being friends with your ex" conversation or if she tries to play any part in how involved she is. I said if she's uncomfortable, it should be about his behaviour and she should express that feeling of discomfort and that she should discuss her discomfort with the ex's behaviour as well. I don't believe you should be involved in who your partner spends their time with, no, and having had it backfire on me when I was younger and being in a different position and mindset of it now, I wanted to recommend that she not immediately take the conversation in that direction.

Oh, and I also retracted my comment on the ex doing wrong, because I missed that part when I was re-reading what I thought was the phone conversation, so that I'll admit I said wrong because I totally missed something important in the OP.

[LoveJ]

Easy, girls.

[Jazi]

That was what that entire post was referring to, was that advice. Maybe I should have made it clearer I was responding to Jazi.

If you read through my other posts, what I'm saying is that the story is suspicious but I also think she should wait until talking to her SO before she jumps to conclusions, simply because yes, it's weird, but misunderstandings happen.

ETA: I also want to add that in the post you quoted, I never said she shouldn't talk to him about his behaviour. I actually said she should get clarification from him. I said that it could backfire on her if she approaches him with a "I'm not comfortable with you being friends with your ex" conversation or if she tries to play any part in how involved she is. I said if she's uncomfortable, it should be about his behaviour and she should express that feeling of discomfort and that she should discuss her discomfort with the ex's behaviour as well. I don't believe you should be involved in who your partner spends their time with, no, and having had it backfire on me when I was younger and being in a different position and mindset of it now, I wanted to recommend that she not immediately take the conversation in that direction.

Oh, and I also retracted my comment on the ex doing wrong, because I missed that part when I was re-reading what I thought was the phone conversation, so that I'll admit I said wrong because I totally missed something important in the OP.

I realise you were responding to what I had said without directly speaking to me, I was wondering why you didn't mention my name/quote me at all in your post though? worried I would bite your head off?

In all seriousness I will directly respond later with an actual reply, I'm skyping with my SO atm and can't even think of what I want to say in a response post lol.

[snow_girl]

Easy, girls.

Is that really necessary?

Everyone is being civil, users are allowed to question others and disagree with each other.