I need to vent

[Haley53]

I realise you were responding to what I had said without directly speaking to me, I was wondering why you didn't mention my name/quote me at all in your post though? worried I would bite your head off?

In all seriousness I will directly respond later with an actual reply, I'm skyping with my SO atm and can't even think of what I want to say in a response post lol.

I don't feel like publically disclosing my reasons, but I was hoping you would respond at some point, so I look forward to it.

[Haley53]

Is that really necessary?

Everyone is being civil, users are allowed to question others and disagree with each other.

I thought so too. I don't want to come off aggressively. I'm simply trying to defend my points. :P I don't see Moon or Dauntedpoet as attacking me over it, either, or trying to start something, but I feel like Moon might have misinterpreted the intention of my post so I wanted to defend it. I may back out of this discussion, though, as I really do not want to be seen as starting something when that's the last thing I'm trying to do. I'm simply opinionated on this kind of issue.

[Moon]

The entire response you quoted was in response to this:



and



That was what that entire post was referring to, was that advice. Maybe I should have made it clearer I was responding to Jazi.

If you read through my other posts, what I'm saying is that the story is suspicious but I also think she should wait until talking to her SO before she jumps to conclusions, simply because yes, it's weird, but misunderstandings happen.

ETA: I also want to add that in the post you quoted, I never said she shouldn't talk to him about his behaviour. I actually said she should get clarification from him. I said that it could backfire on her if she approaches him with a "I'm not comfortable with you being friends with your ex" conversation or if she tries to play any part in how involved she is. I said if she's uncomfortable, it should be about his behaviour and she should express that feeling of discomfort and that she should discuss her discomfort with the ex's behaviour as well. I don't believe you should be involved in who your partner spends their time with, no, and having had it backfire on me when I was younger and being in a different position and mindset of it now, I wanted to recommend that she not immediately take the conversation in that direction.

Oh, and I also retracted my comment on the ex doing wrong, because I missed that part when I was re-reading what I thought was the phone conversation, so that I'll admit I said wrong because I totally missed something important in the OP.

Ah, I see, sorry about that, Eclaire!

---------- Post added at 01:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:17 PM ----------

Easy, girls.

No need to police, it's a polite disagreement.

[Haley53]

Ah, I see, sorry about that, Eclaire!

---------- Post added at 01:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:17 PM ----------



No need to police, it's a polite disagreement.

S'okay. I can see where you might have gotten confused, as like I/Jazi said, I didn't actually quote her directly. Sorry for not making it more clear!

[Moon]

S'okay. I can see where you might have gotten confused, as like I/Jazi said, I didn't actually quote her directly. Sorry for not making it more clear!

Hey, us old people get confused easily :P

[Jazi]

ok, My SO has gone to get some dinner.. time to reply

Eclaire - I completely understand where you are coming from and I probably didn't word what I meant in the best way... That what I said could be taken as "the OP needs to assert that he cannot be involved with the ex" but it is really not what I meant. I also don't think there is a blanket solution to the 'friends with the ex' question - it really depends on each individual couple and the discomfort doesn't always stem from insecurity or jealousy issues, sometimes it's communication issues, or whatever it is, I find it very hard to apply a blanket solution/answer for everyone.

I was more-so trying to say that they should have a more open line of communication about exes/ex FWB. I do understand that some people do like to stay friends with the ex but I still do think that they need to consider how their current SO would feel about it, in my opinion, it requires a high level of understanding with the current SO if you're going to be friends with an ex. And asking "are you ok with it" was more out of - does he respect your feelings and care how this effects you? I ask my SO if hes ok with things even if I'm planning to do it anyway lol. If my SO said no then I would rethink the situation and we would have an adult discussion about it.

I do think it's important for couples to discuss how they do/will/are approaching relationships (or lack there of) with the exes so they know what to expect and that there are no surprises. The OP was clearly shocked and felt left in the dark because they hadn't discussed the FWB very much and she wasn't aware of how much of a role she plays in his life and this has made her very uncomfortable. The fact is, the second you have sex (or a relationship) with someone the entire dynamic changes and you can't un-cross that line. Like you said though, some people want to be friends with the ex.. others don't.. but if your SO is uncomfortable about anything for whatever reason it should be discussed and come to a solution best for the couple, sometimes nothing actually changes because having that conversation and then knowing the situation/boundaries clearly can resolve the discomfort.

[Haley53]

ok, My SO has gone to get some dinner.. time to reply

Eclaire - I completely understand where you are coming from and I probably didn't word what I meant in the best way... That what I said could be taken as "the OP needs to assert that he cannot be involved with the ex" but it is really not what I meant. I also don't think there is a blanket solution to the 'friends with the ex' question - it really depends on each individual couple and the discomfort doesn't always stem from insecurity or jealousy issues, sometimes it's communication issues, or whatever it is, I find it very hard to apply a blanket solution/answer for everyone.

I was more-so trying to say that they should have a more open line of communication about exes/ex FWB. I do understand that some people do like to stay friends with the ex but I still do think that they need to consider how their current SO would feel about it, in my opinion, it requires a high level of understanding with the current SO if you're going to be friends with an ex. And asking "are you ok with it" was more out of - does he respect your feelings and care how this effects you? I ask my SO if hes ok with things even if I'm planning to do it anyway lol. If my SO said no then I would rethink the situation and we would have an adult discussion about it.

I do think it's important for couples to discuss how they do/will/are approaching relationships (or lack there of) with the exes so they know what to expect and that there are no surprises. The OP was clearly shocked and felt left in the dark because they hadn't discussed the FWB very much and she wasn't aware of how much of a role she plays in his life and this has made her very uncomfortable. The fact is, the second you have sex (or a relationship) with someone the entire dynamic changes and you can't un-cross that line. Like you said though, some people want to be friends with the ex.. others don't.. but if your SO is uncomfortable about anything for whatever reason it should be discussed and come to a solution best for the couple, sometimes nothing actually changes because having that conversation and then knowing the situation/boundaries clearly can resolve the discomfort.

Like I said in my PM, sometimes I have "ohhh, okay" moments and agree and sometimes I agree to disagree. In this case, I will say I misunderstood your point (thought about it in an extreme way) and I very much agree with all of this, especially about individual couples (what I was trying to convey with "different people think differently about it"). However, I very much agree with all of this here. I appreciate you taking the time to clarify and I apologise that my response isn't typical Eclaire-wordiness. I'm headed out for school now. >.< But thank you.

[alesitag]

OP here!

You haven't met him yet, but is there a chance that he could have lied when he said he has told people about you? Have you ever met any of his friends over skype or anything like that?

Since the very beginning, he's been telling me he talked about me to his friends. I haven't met any of them yet though. There was a certain incident with his ex-FWB though... For Valentine's Day I made him a video I uploaded on YouTube and set as private. Somehow, she saw it and made a big deal out if it (I think i posted about it a couple of months ago), sent him a mean email telling him he should have told her he had met someone and had such strong feelings this new girl (me) and some other things... he talked to her and she explained it hurt her as a friend that he didn't trust her enough to tell him about his new relationship right from the start and she was worried he would end up brokenhearted. He apologized and told her everything about me (this is what he told me). End of story.

Has he ever asked you if you're ok with him still having so much contact with her?

Yes, he told me about her when we got together. I have no problem with him being friends with her. I cheated on my ex, I'm still friends with the guy I did it and my SO knows it (I posted about this issue a while ago too). There's a slight difference (at least to me). The last time I saw this guy was mid March, we went out for a 30 min. lunch, he talked to me about personal problems and dropped me back at the office. I have refused to see him again and I only talk to him on MSN every now and then. His grandma died a few weeks ago and I chose not to go to the funeral out of respect for my SO (because I know he feels this guy will try to "win me over").

It also sounds like you didn't know the whole story with how close they actually were

Well, I knew she was one of her closest friends, but I definitely didn't know the level of closeness they still maintained (she has a freaking key to his freaking apartment)

First of all, she has no business answering someone else's phone, in the house she doesn't live in. There are answering machines for a reason. Or call forwarding.

Yes, I agree with this. I'd never answer someone else's phone unless I was asked to.

Second, you ask for your SO and before she answers she wants you to introduce yourself? wtf? This is someone else's phone, so her answer should be, "I'm sorry, he's not around right now, but may I take your name so I can tell him you called?" Not "And who are you?"

Exactly what I thought.

As I said, I'm not a jealous person, nor am I all that insecure, but if I called my guy and this happened, he better have a very, very good explanation for it. Not because of his friendship, but the fact that he hid the information from me. I'd want to know if he were away, and if his former FWB was watching his place/dog/phone, whatever.

So much THIS!! I'm not sure he hid this information from me on purpose, but I would have definitely wanted to know about this just for my mental health's sake.


And if you guys are wondering... I haven't been able to talk to him... I left him an offline message saying I need to talk to him before doing anything regarding the visa and to message me as soon as he saw it. I woke up several times in the middle of the night to see if he replied and nothing... I don't know if he already started on his new job and that's why he hasn't been able to get online. When he got online after "THE PHONE CALL" he did say things went wrong and he was having troubles but didn't have time to explain... i guess i'll keep waiting for him to contact me.

[Jazi]

And if you guys are wondering... I haven't been able to talk to him... I left him an offline message saying I need to talk to him before doing anything regarding the visa and to message me as soon as he saw it. I woke up several times in the middle of the night to see if he replied and nothing... I don't know if he already started on his new job and that's why he hasn't been able to get online. When he got online after "THE PHONE CALL" he did say things went wrong and he was having troubles but didn't have time to explain... i guess i'll keep waiting for him to contact me.

it is definitely hard to feel like you're just hanging there waiting for an answer/the ability to talk to him about it.. Hang in there, I hope he has something reasonable to say and it was just one of those horrible gut feelings that don't turn out to be true. Keep us updated and feel free to vent us much as you need to (after all this is your thread )

[books]

For Valentine's Day I made him a video I uploaded on YouTube and set as private. Somehow, she saw it and made a big deal out if it (I think i posted about it a couple of months ago), sent him a mean email telling him he should have told her he had met someone and had such strong feelings this new girl (me) and some other things... he talked to her and she explained it hurt her as a friend that he didn't trust her enough to tell him about his new relationship right from the start and she was worried he would end up brokenhearted. He apologized and told her everything about me (this is what he told me). End of story.

Hmmm I'm sorry, but this explanation sounds really off. I'll leave it at that.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, although in situations like this, the answer may actually come from your gut- not the other person just straight out telling you. Unfortunately, I'm also reminded of how I found out my ex from years ago was cheating on me- I called his home and another girl picked up. So much for the "If there was actually something going on, she wouldn't be dumb enough to answer the phone" rationale.

[LoveJ]

No need to police, it's a polite disagreement.

Perhaps, but a thread starting with a girl needing help has turned into a "you said this" "you said that" disagreement. That couldn't be best dealt with in PMs instead of a girl's thread who needs our advice and help? I don't see asking that it cease to be policing or unnecessary. Sorry if you took it that way.

[alesitag]

I just sent him an email saying this:

Pat,

I miss you and I need to talk to you. I'm not OK...

Please contact me as soon as you can.

Love,

Ale

I'm hoping he replies soon... it's kinda weird, but my "gut/heart" is actually telling me I'm thinking too much about it and I shouldn't doubt him, and my "mind" is telling me the opposite... if that makes any kind of sense (i think i'm loosing it BIG TIME!)

[alesitag]

New update

I called him, he's back at his apartment.

I woke him up... UGH!! (he needs to work tonight and I hate he doesn't get enough sleep). We didn't talk much, but I let him know I've been worried about him since we haven't been able to talk for more than 5 minutes, and of course I did tell him I've been very upset and why. He said he understands and is open to talk about this tonight.

This is a HUGE step for me, since I've never been good at addressing problems. I tend to swallow it all and never say a word even if I'm dying inside.

I'm in fact so new to this, I'm afraid I will forget the things I want to say/ask.

I'll keep you guys updated

[Moon]

Perhaps, but a thread starting with a girl needing help has turned into a "you said this" "you said that" disagreement. That couldn't be best dealt with in PMs instead of a girl's thread who needs our advice and help? I don't see asking that it cease to be policing or unnecessary. Sorry if you took it that way.

See, you don't really get to ask that, if the OP requested it "cease", then we'd stop, it's her thread. As it is, it was a polite debate, maybe you're very new to forums, but that's just how it goes sometimes and LFAD is nicer than most. Anyway, back on topic...Good luck, alesitag, I hope you can resolve everything tonight and have a nice update for us. You did well in expressing yourself and addressing the problem. If it'll help you, write down your points you want addressed on some paper, and have that in front of you while you talk. That will help you to keep it on topic and you won't forget something and hang up

[LoveJ]

See, you don't really get to ask that, if the OP requested it "cease", then we'd stop, it's her thread. As it is, it was a polite debate, maybe you're very new to forums, but that's just how it goes sometimes and LFAD is nicer than most. Anyway, back on topic...Good luck, alesitag, I hope you can resolve everything tonight and have a nice update for us. You did well in expressing yourself and addressing the problem. If it'll help you, write down your points you want addressed on some paper, and have that in front of you while you talk. That will help you to keep it on topic and you won't forget something and hang up

There's really no need to be so condescending. After all, all I said was "Easy, girls" to try to diffuse a public argument. "LFAD is nicer than most" - that doesn't make rudeness acceptable.