Unexpected visit!

[Xanahtas]

Dunno if i should be happy or not :L

Back story: Short version
A few weeks ago, his mum tried to cut off his internet and contact with me. (he's 20, still lives at home because he has only just finished college) She come out with the fact she hated me and didnt want him to marry me and just didnt want anything to do with me or my family. Luckily his dad stepped in and stopped her from taking any action.
Yesterday, his mum DID cut of contact with me. She claims that because she pays bills, its her choice who he talks to. She again, had a bitch about me to him and he left.

He packed a small bag and left. He contacted me briefly to let me know and then he got on his plane. He didnt want to be around him mum any longer. He went to the airport and booked a flight and didnt tell him mum he was leaving.

His flight lands 9pm tonight. Dont get me wrong, im super excited, im just worrying about what his mum will try to do to f**k us over or get between us when he goes back. From here, he can sort out somewhere to live and another job (Thats a whole other story with a stupid boss)

I still dont really know what the situation is or what happened, he never got a chance to tell me.

Im glad he is finally standing up to him mum and showing her that she cant stop him doing things. Just wish she'd not be so difficult!

This seems to be a bitter sweet time for us.

Anyone else have difficult family members who love to make your life hell? :P

[lala]

woooow that's a tough situation! why is his mum against your relationship??are there any reasons?
I don't think it was right to leave the country just because your parents piss you off. He could have moved out, stay a few days at a friends place and find a job. I mean he has money to fly over the ocean, so I'm sure he would have money to move out for a time...
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you guys that you will see eachother, but I think there will be lots of problems coming around. What does he want to do when he arrives?? You guys are very young and you should not make decissions because of some strong emotions.. and I think running away shows just that he can't deal with pressure and that he has still not grown up.
I'm 24 and still living with my parents. They can piss me off many many times. I also have to share a small room with my younger sister and she can be a bitch too.. I'm annoyed with my studies and I also don't have that many friends.. Moreover my dad is against my relationship with my SO.. but am I walking away?? No!! I'm patient and doing what I have to do. I will see my SO this summer against the will of my dad. He is not amused but has to respect my decission. After he saw that he has no chance to destroy this relationship he is not trying anymore..and supports me a bit more..

I really hope you can figure things out and find a mature solution to your problem!good luck

[Dziubka]

That definitely wasn't a very mature thing to do.

I agree with lala that he should have gone to stay with friends or look for a place of his own instead of running away. Running away doesn't really prove you're an adult and can take care things yourself, instead it has the potential to make things a lot worse.
Do his parents at least know where he is? I suggest he calls them as soon as he arrives, apologizes and tries to sort things out.
If he's finished with college and has money of his own, his parents can't stop him from moving out. The best (and possibly only) way to show his parents that he's an adult is to live a mature, adult life ie moving out, having a big boy job, taking care of his stuff himself.

[lademoiselle]

Although I agree with the others that leaving the country on impulse wasn't the wisest thing to do, I can understand that sort of knee-jerk reaction. When emotions are running high it's easy to take action without thinking about the possible consequences - I daresay we've all been there at some point or another! I think the best course of action now would be, as Dziubka said, for your SO to contact his parents when he arrives and try to smooth things over. I don't want this post to sound completely negative though; despite the circumstances, I'm glad you guys get to see each other. Good luck

[Xanahtas]

Tbh, i have no idea why she is so against it. She has given no reasons other than acusing me of things.
He couldnt move out because he had just left his job due to his boss giving him a really hard time and treating him badly. He had money saved but not enough to move out and keep an apartment for more than a month. His parents wouldnt give him finacial support and he has no other family there.

She had decided to cut off all internet so he couldnt contact me, but that in turn he cant look for apartments/jobs. And even then, she thinks she can sponge of his money even after he has moved out.

Most of his friends either still live with parents or cant support him too. And with no internet he cant contact them very easily. The friend who took him in last time is now in the navy, so he cant go there.

His parents are very difficult. They're controlling, manipulative, selfish, and very harsh. His mum had made things very difficult for us for the past couple of months. They practically told him they didnt want him to be at the house and had to leave. Not caring that he'd have no where to go. They're not the type of people to ever stop trying to control him. They will do anything within their power to keep him from living a life.

He is coming here so we can talk over our options. We took this chance to be a visit because if not it would be until next year we could see each other. We have just brought it forward a month or so its easier for us
We're hoping to get into contact with his friends and try and sort him out somewhere to stay, sort out his savings to be transfered from India to Canada (His parents left them there when they moved). When my family gets back from Cyrpus we're gonna see what we can do to help him out and find a solution to all of this.

[Dziubka]

Tbh, i have no idea why she is so against it. She has given no reasons other than acusing me of things.
He couldnt move out because he had just left his job due to his boss giving him a really hard time and treating him badly. He had money saved but not enough to move out and keep an apartment for more than a month. His parents wouldnt give him finacial support and he has no other family there.

She had decided to cut off all internet so he couldnt contact me, but that in turn he cant look for apartments/jobs. And even then, she thinks she can sponge of his money even after he has moved out.

Most of his friends either still live with parents or cant support him too. And with no internet he cant contact them very easily. The friend who took him in last time is now in the navy, so he cant go there.

If you can't support yourself (=no job, not enough savings) and depend on your parents for "board and lodging" then you have to live by their rules. That's unfortunately the way it is. If you don't want that you get a job and move out.
There's internet cafes and lots of relatively inexpensive options to get mobile internet. There might be limited bandwith, but it should be enough to look for jobs and send e-mails.
He could contact you, there must be people whose phone number he has. He could have gone to stay in a hostel for a few nights as well, if there was really no one he could have stayed with. They usually have internet access as well.

His parents are very difficult. They're controlling, manipulative, selfish, and very harsh. His mum had made things very difficult for us for the past couple of months. They practically told him they didnt want him to be at the house and had to leave. Not caring that he'd have no where to go. They're not the type of people to ever stop trying to control him. They will do anything within their power to keep him from living a life.

He is coming here so we can talk over our options. We took this chance to be a visit because if not it would be until next year we could see each other. We have just brought it forward a month or so its easier for us
We're hoping to get into contact with his friends and try and sort him out somewhere to stay, sort out his savings to be transfered from India to Canada (His parents left them there when they moved). When my family gets back from Cyrpus we're gonna see what we can do to help him out and find a solution to all of this.

My ex's parents were very controlling, unfair and hated me with a passion. They constantly put him down and told him that he would be better off without me, that I was ugly (wtf?), that I was just using him and a million other things. In fact, his dad called me purely to insult me. When I think about it now, it's so surreal it's funny, but it definitely wasn't back then. I know how hard that can be.
He only managed to get out of their orbit after we broke up, but the way he did it was to become financially independent and cut contact to the absolute minimum. He had a kid sister, which is why he didn't want to cut contact completely. I think that's the only way to go on out it, if there's no reasoning with them (and sometimes with crazy people there really isn't).
By running off without telling them (=behaving immaturely), he's only giving them more reason to control him.

Seeing as he's already left, though: Make the best of your time together and limit the damage as much as you can. Have him call, apologise and present a solid plan for when he comes back.

[lala]

I agree here with Dziubka!
I also understand that with cultural differences and views things can get worse. It seams as his parents have their opinion and won't change. he still should tell them how their behaviour is making him feel and that they have no good reason to hate you. He should make clear that he is an adult and that they either respect his decission or he will one day cut off his contact and they won't ever see him and his future family (grandchildren..) again. But he should have done that before he reacted that way and left. As you said you don't even know what happened.. so just wait for him and help him. Don't think what's the best in the moment, you guys have to think what's the best for the future- You both are young and who knows maybe you will be together till the end of time but maybe you guys will break up in a few months or year- I just want to show you that you need a plan who works for the both of us!

[Xanahtas]

He has already told them how it makes him feel and how i feel about it. I emailed her to try and reason with her before but got no reply back. I've made various efforts to contact and get to know his parents but his mum has deleted any emails i have sent without reading them.
He has said that he would cut off all contact with them a few weeks ago when this happened the first time if they carried on with their attitude. He tried to talk them around and sit down and talk but his mother (Who is the worst of the two by a long shot) was having none of it. She told him then that she doesnt want him under her roof then but this time it kinda did happen.

The reason he didnt tell his mum was because she would try and stop him because she doesnt want him with me. She probably would have taken his cards and his passport (Which she has done before, she is that crazy!) But his sister knows exactly whats going on and she would have told their mum by now.

I know this doesnt seem like a very mature thing to do, but we were planning a visit soon anyways, and after spending so much time trying to get them on side and after her many attempts to break us up in the past couple of weeks, i think this is the break together we need to talk things over and get ourselves together. My parents can help us out and make sense of things when they get back from holiday.
I spoke to my mum about it and she said herself, after all of whats happens he needs to get here and sort something out and make a plan and cut contact as much as he can with his parents.

[lala]

I understand.. but why don't his dad say anything?? obviously this woman needs some help..a psychologist!! so if she is that crazy, he deffinetely need to find a solution and cut his family (parents) off. I'm so sorry he has to go through this- but I'm sure he is happy to have you

[Xanahtas]

His dad has heart problems, if he gets stressed it can cause a lot of damage, he keeps out of it. He stepped in the first time this happened which is why we were still able to contact each other up until now. She is very controlling, and because she pays the bills, she thinks its up to her to tell everyone what they can and cant do! Ridiculous woman, she does need a psychologist! And a lesson on parenting and being a wife. Harsh, but so true.

Its driven his dad to even consider divorcing her over how she acts, and she is (i think still) planning to move to India and leave her 3 kids and him there! She is very selfish.
He has took too much of her crap already :P Lets just hope she doesnt ever met me. That wont be a pretty sight ;D lol

[kteire]

Speaking as someone who's gotten out of a bad situation with a controlling and manipulative parent, he's probably made things worse for himself. I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but like everyone else has said, it was a decision that was impulsive and not very mature, and apart from seeing each other, I'm worried it won't be helpful in the least. He's out of a job, and from the sounds of it has very limited savings. I'm not exactly how it's going to be beneficial for him to be job hunting for Canada from the UK... not being able to go for interviews and a 5 hour time difference.

If his mum's that bad, there's not really much he can do to smooth things over from the UK. His mum will obviously be infuriated, and if he ends up back at home ever, she will be worse. If he can't get things sorted out job/flat-wise, how long can he stay in the UK for before needing work? Where will he go if he can't get things sorted out from the UK? How long can he survive on the money he has? The two of you need to seriously consider those things. I'm not saying this to be critical, but it was only through careful planning and saving that I was able to become financially and emotionally independent from my insane father, and any impulsive things like this that I tried (granted, not internationally) wound up with me under lock and key. He's going to have to be prepared for that, and figure out a smart, mature way of dealing with the repercussions of his decisions, and making a good solid plan for the future.

Good luck dealing with everything!

[lucybelle]

If he doesn't have money to live on his own, why would he blow the little he has on an impulse flight to visit you? I'm not saying you're not worth it but geeze that had to be expensive! You both need to think more rationally. I agree with Dzuibka, when in your parents house you follow their rules. Period. It's not always fun but that's how it is. If you don't like it, you move out.

You don't need internet to find a job. Remember back in the day when people went out and looked for jobs? Looked in newspapers, went to businesses and handed in resumes? Plus, libraries usually have free internet for an hour or so that he could use to contact you and look up jobs and apartments.

I'm glad you get to see him, and I know you're excited, but I have a feeling this is going to make things a lot worse for the both of you. Though, I hope it doesn't end that way. Best of luck and keep us updated.

[Haley53]

Speaking as someone who's gotten out of a bad situation with a controlling and manipulative parent, he's probably made things worse for himself. I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but like everyone else has said, it was a decision that was impulsive and not very mature, and apart from seeing each other, I'm worried it won't be helpful in the least. He's out of a job, and from the sounds of it has very limited savings. I'm not exactly how it's going to be beneficial for him to be job hunting for Canada from the UK... not being able to go for interviews and a 5 hour time difference.

If his mum's that bad, there's not really much he can do to smooth things over from the UK. His mum will obviously be infuriated, and if he ends up back at home ever, she will be worse. If he can't get things sorted out job/flat-wise, how long can he stay in the UK for before needing work? Where will he go if he can't get things sorted out from the UK? How long can he survive on the money he has? The two of you need to seriously consider those things. I'm not saying this to be critical, but it was only through careful planning and saving that I was able to become financially and emotionally independent from my insane father, and any impulsive things like this that I tried (granted, not internationally) wound up with me under lock and key. He's going to have to be prepared for that, and figure out a smart, mature way of dealing with the repercussions of his decisions, and making a good solid plan for the future.

Good luck dealing with everything!

I agree with this. A hundred and ten percent, I agree with this. I have also gotten out of a bad situation (though not with a parent) more recently and it was done through careful planning and especially through budgeting of my finances. Any other attempt, be it impulsive or some other devise, led to the situation being even worse.

I can't understand running off to another country, however, but I have never been that impulsive. My advice would be to follow what Dzubika said, to be honest, because there's not much he can do from there. I understand that in this situation, ducking your head and lowering your eyes is the last thing you want to do, but fighting fire with fire amplifies any potential response ten fold. Having a visit planned for the future isn't necessarily the same as running away from home and only telling your sister (or not telling anyone? Wasn't sure I understood that right) where you're going and not telling your mother you got the first flight out. I do think you both need to sit down and prepare for the worst, because if his mother is that controlling and abusive, it's going to be worse when he gets home, and she's likely to end up blaming you for it. It's easy to blame the girlfriend you already don't like, so be prepared for that.

My opinion would have been to keep the savings he had and spend more time at an internet cafe or somewhere else. I don't necessarily agree with the whole "their house, their rules" thing when it comes to behaviour such as the one the mother is exhibiting. Expecting help? Yes. Expecting him, at 20, to pay for his own trips, for example? Yes. Cutting off the internet so he can't talk to his girlfriend because she pays the bill? That's going a little far. But in the end, I say it's their house, their rules not because I agree with it but because he has no choice. She's obviously willing to go to extreme lengths without him provoking any type of bad situation.

Is there any possible way he can change his return flight and go back sooner?

[Xanahtas]

Turns out, it was a very good thing he got away from his family when he did. Found out some very serious and disturbing news yesterday to do with his psycho brother, i cant go into much detail due to the actual happening but its gone to the police and his brother has been arrested and charged with sexual assulting, as well as a few other charges, his sister (yes, its sick) and theres a court date for it all. Turns out its been going on for years... its terrible

Neither Sud or his sister is allowed near his brother at all, and its best if he is as far away from his family as possible. His sister is currently in police protection because the parents are treating his sister very badly for telling police about what happened. They're more worried about their sicko of a son. Its a shame Sud couldnt be there for her due to what has happened. His parents are being very very harsh to his sister, hence why she is no longer living with them, and Sud is not going to be contacting them, seeing them, telling them where he is because of this. Its all happened so quickly but he is lucky he got out when he did or he too, could be in a lot of trouble with his parents for actually supporting his sister.
We are looking into our options as to what to do next. But one thing is for sure, he is definately not going within a mile of his parents or his brother. My parents have also said they're willing to take his sister in and help her for as long as she needs.

Im very shocked that something like this has come out. I dont know how to help support his sister, ive never known anyone in this situation before, and i know Suds beating himself up because he couldnt protect her because he didnt know what was going on.
Anyone give me some help as to help them out? Im worried about his sister, and hate seeing him upset about it. =/

[leonsfangirl]

I had a something along those lines happen within my family and your all over the place.

Best you can do is listen when they talk and be as strong as you can for them both. Get in touch with legal organisations to help you decided what you can do with regards to his status in the UK and do it sooner rather than later.

https://oisc.homeoffice.gov.uk/how_t...tion_advisers/

List of not for profit advisors.