Temptation Wins :(

[Cheddarx89]

Dear Reader:
This post may turn into a bit of a vent. You have be warned (but please still read because I could really use some advice).

I've been living alone for 10 months in a new state (500+ miles away from my boyfriend, Joe) and haven't met very many people at all (especially around the same age), until recently. I attended a BBQ the other weekend and ended up meeting/talking to a very interesting guy (we'll call him K). Hold that thought.

Back story:
Joe and I have been together for over 2 years now (and have pretty much LD for all but 7-8 months of that time while we still in college). Before I accepted the one year position I am currently in, I talked about it with Joe and got his support to accept this position. A few months ago we started talking about moving in together, and Joe was applying to jobs in both New York (his home) and North Carolina (where I am currently at, and would love to stay). The way our conversations were going, I was under the impression that he was more than willing to move here. So (on my birthday) he dropped a bomb on me: he was not only offered a job in NY, but accepted it (without talking to me about it first - so I had no choice but to "be" happy for him). I was/am very happy for him because he finally found a job (and it is in his degree, which is amazing), but I'm still a bit bitter that he couldn't even talk it over with me first. Now, as my one year position is almost over and I'm starting the job searching, I feel that I am restricted to applying for jobs in New York, so I can be with Joe.

On to the situation with K:
So I met K at a BBQ and we really hit it off. We talked, played some Cornhole, and shared some food/drinks (along with other people as well - it wasn't just us). A few of us had swapped numbers at the end of the night. I texted him the next day to thank him for teaching me Cornhole and to say I had a great time (mistake number 1 I guess). He invited me out for some celebration drinks (because my big project that I've been working on for months was finally getting started) which turned into dinner and drinks because I was running super late and couldn't eat beforehand. After a good bit of drinks, I offered for him to spend the night in my apartment because he was too drunk to drive home and my apartment was in walking distance. I was only trying to be a good friend - I had no other intentions. Once we got back to my apartment we spent some more time talking and ended up kissing. Let the shunning begin. I know cheaters suck, and that's why I'm turning to all of you for some advise. Sadly, the story doesn't end there. Because K is the first person around my age that I've met, I want to spend more time with him - just ad friends. Since that night, I've gone over to his place for dinner and to watch movies. And there's been some more kissing, and the addition of cuddling. I feel horrible! I don't know what to tell Joe (or if I should). K is on a two week vacation and upon his return I'll only have a month left here.

I've thought about this whole thing a lot and I'm not trying to give any excuse for why I've done the worst thing possible. But there are some things that stand out to me. I love Joe and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But there's some issues there, that I hope (most) would just blow over once we get a place together and can actually be together. As far as K, he represents a possibility that I could stay in NC, which is really something I would LOVE to do. K is a complete southern gentleman, someone I always thought I would end up with. Joe become what I didn't know I was looking for.

I know the first advice is going to be to talk this out. K knows I'm in a 2 year LDR and he's expressed to me that he's been on both sides of this story (not that that helps in anyway). He's mentioned that he knows I'll choose Joe, but he wants to enjoy what little time we have together. As bad as this sounds, when you haven't gotten "attention" in awhile, it feels good when someone steps up to make you feel good. In addition, things haven't been great between Joe and I. Communication is a HUGE issue - I text him every day and I want to actually talk to him every day, but he doesn't seem to "find" time to talk to me, and that hurts. A LOT. Since I'm not in New York I've put Joe "in charge" of looking for a place for us, while I look for a job. Once I have a job, I'll be able to do what I can from a distance until September. But he hasn't even started looking, not even just for prices. I never know how he feels, because he very rarely expresses his feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm only hoping he feels the same way about me that I feel about him.

The one thing that keeps running through my head is "never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one s/he loves."

Any advice? Please. I'm worry myself sick over all this.

[Haley53]

Seeing as you've let this affair continue and haven't put a stop to it, my suggestion would be to really, truly consider what you want, because what you're doing right now isn't fair to Joe. It doesn't matter what types of issues you're having or how long you've been apart; how would you feel if he were sneaking around with another girl, kissing her and cuddling her like they were newly dating while you still believed you were in a loyal, committed relationship with the love of your life? For that reason, it needs to end with one of them. It doesn't matter how much longer either of you have or how many chances you'll have to see/hang out with one another. What matters is that you figure out what you want for the sake of your heart and theirs.

As far as K, I'd honestly be concerned that he's willing to go along with such an affair, especially since he's already been on both sides of the coin. While I know some people here will firmly say "once a cheater, always a cheater" does not always apply, it's hard for me to respect someone who's been cheated on, who's cheated, and who now is helping someone else cheat. I can't see that person being relationship material, but maybe I'm wrong. As far as Joe, you need to tell him. Whether you do decide to go forward with the relationship or don't, you need to tell him. It's not fair to leave him in the dark while you cheat on him with somebody else with the intention of leaving it behind and forgetting about it when you move to close the distance.

Missing the attention and affection of a CDR isn't an excuse. There are plenty of us in LDRs who get through them without cheating, so I think you need to think about what you want, even make a pros and cons list if you have to, before you make any decision, but I think for now, you need to stop seeing K while you make that decision. If you decide to go ahead with it with Joe, I think you need to tell him and go from there, because I certainly would not want to close the distance with someone who was okay with cheating on me and keeping it from me. :/ I think it's only fair that you tell him, but I think it's only fair to yourself that you figure out what you want first, so that you don't have to continue toying with three hearts, yours included.

[moe87]

read my story which i post here recently https://members.lovingfromadistance....lp-please!-%28 and see how cheating hurts my SO cheated on me recently and am living in a nightmare since she did that ! i wont talk much, my advice to you is leave K because he is looking for some FUN. dont ruin your love.

[Zapookie]

Not receiving attention isn't an excuse to cheat. If it was, we'd probably all be cheaters at some point in our lives. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. If you're having issues, raise them with your partner instead of seeking comfort elsewhere.

[Tooki]

If you had have left it at once instance of kissing, then it would be ok. But you let it happen again, which there is no excuse for.

You need to do both guys a favour and make a decision. Cut off contact with K until you make your mind up.

And as eclaire said, we all have to deal with the lack of CDR perks. No excuses for cheating

[Snowlilly]

Honestly I don't see how you can say you want to spend the rest of your life with Joe. If you truly did, this would never have happened to begin with.

[BlueCat]

You need to tell your SO. That's really all there is to it. Having been in a similar boat where I cheated on my SO, it's ultimately his decision to make. You should not be deciding whether you stay with Joe or choose K. In fact, it should not be a decision between the two. You either want to be with Joe or you don't. And you either want to be with K, or you don't. But you have to tell Joe, he will decide if he wants to continue your relationship based on your actions, and you can take it from there. But if he does decide that he wants to make it work with you, you have to really want it too, not just think you want it because he wants to forgive you.

[Rebecka]

If it´s once, it can be okay (if you tell your SO straight away and really really regret it!!) or of course not okay, but we all can make mistakes so. BUT doing it several times is not okay! But done is done.

What you have to do now is decide what you want to do, but what ever you decide you HAVE to tell Joe! He deserves to know what happend. And there is never any excuse to cheat on anyone.

Btw, I can´t really see K as a good boyfriend either, since he´s helping you cheat, how do you know he wont cheat on you if he becomes your boyfriend?

[lala]

First of all there is NO excuse of cheating.. that you haven't seen Joe for so long and needed someone who compliments you is understandable but making out with someone else is totally wrong. I'm sure you know it.. but it's not enough to know what's right if you do the wrong thing in the end.. Moreover, I can't stand people (in general) who says to everyone 'I love you'.. love should be something special,something we would not say to everyone.. but I think in nowadays society it is nothing special anymore and people use it like a 'hello'.. I just know if you LOVE Joe like you say.. this would have never ever happened. I think you just have a bad conscious... and remember him as a person you used to love. Just be honest to him and to yourself.. I don't think that he deserves such a person. Sorr hun, but I think you would do better without a LDR.. Just figure out what you want and let Joe find someone who deserves him.

[dukes2011]

You need to do both guys a favour and make a decision. Cut off contact with K until you make your mind up.

This is great advice! Continuing to see K is confusing you and making it difficult to decide what you truly want.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Honestly, I may be a little biased here because I am very much against cheating and it would be a complete deal breaker for me (if I lose trust in someone I can't be with them), but I'll try to keep it as slight as I can. My love is in NC as well. The whole 'southern gentleman' thing you mentioned may be true, to an extent. If he was truly the gentleman that you say he is, he would have never helped you cheat.. nor would he have cheated on someone before. My current so and I were strictly friends for almost a year because we were both with other people (him on and off, me the whole time) and neither of us would go any farther with things until we both figured out what we wanted.

That said, There is no reason to be with someone if you are willing to cheat with someone else. Just break things off if you are really that unable to cope with waiting for them. You need to tell Joe what is going on. It is his decision whether or not to keep your relationship now, because you have betrayed his trust, not yours. Honestly, you really can't blame him if he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Now for K. Is he even interested in actually being in a relationship? It really sounds like he is just in it for the moment because he told you that he knew you would go back to Joe. Someone who wants to be with you will be hoping that you want to be with them, not assuming that you are going to choose someone else without you two ever discussing it. Well, in the case of very low self esteem/confidence they may, but if he was confident enough to make a move with you then it's doubtful that's the case here. Maybe you should really consider if he wants a relationship instead of a fling for fun. He's helping you cheat, has cheated, and knows how it feels on both sides because he has been cheated on. I would really think that through.

If you want to be in NC and Joe wants to be in NY then maybe you should talk about it. If neither of you are able to compromise without being unhappy then it may be best to end things or at least put the relationship on hold until you are able to do so. Sometimes people grow apart. Plans, hopes, dreams, and opportunities change and that's okay. If you would both be happier doing what you want to do then do that. You don't force relationships and you can't force love. I don't think I would be able to give up my dreams for someone else, even if that meant having to leave them behind. You are your first priority in life, until you have children, not K, and not Joe.

Now, lastly, for the quote. "Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one s/he loves."
I think of that all the time with relationships too. However, you should never leave someone for someone else. If you are leaving someone it should be for yourself, them, or other things, not for another person. There is also something else to consider with that quote though.. "Unless you are the one they love."

My advice would be to tell Joe then allow him time to think things over and decide what he wants. While he is doing this, you should also take the time, that you are not in contact with Joe, and cut contact with K as well so that you have time to yourself to figure out what you really want. It could be either or it could be that you decide that you want neither of them. Either way, take the time to think it through. Giving Joe the space and time that he will need will give you the chance to do so without hurting or neglecting him further.

First of all there is NO excuse of cheating.. that you haven't seen Joe for so long and needed someone who compliments you is understandable but making out with someone else is totally wrong. I'm sure you know it.. but it's not enough to know what's right if you do the wrong thing in the end.. Moreover, I can't stand people (in general) who says to everyone 'I love you'.. love should be something special,something we would not say to everyone.. but I think in nowadays society it is nothing special anymore and people use it like a 'hello'.. I just know if you LOVE Joe like you say.. this would have never ever happened. I think you just have a bad conscious... and remember him as a person you used to love. Just be honest to him and to yourself.. I don't think that he deserves such a person. Sorr hun, but I think you would do better without a LDR.. Just figure out what you want and let Joe find someone who deserves him.

While this post may seem a bit strict/harsh with you dealing with trying to figure things out, I agree with it and think that it needed to be said.
If you truly do love someone you will have no interest in being with someone else in the same way.

---------- Post added at 01:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:45 PM ----------

You need to do both guys a favour and make a decision. Cut off contact with K until you make your mind up.

It would probably be best to have limited/no contact with either of them until she decides. Talking to either could cloud her judgement and make it so that she thinks one would be better than the other just because she is in contact with them at that moment, when in reality, that may not be the case. She needs time to think to herself, without trying to figure it out by romanticizing the relationship with K or Joe.

[Cheddarx89]

You're all expressing things that have been running through my head already. And I thank you all. I know I need to tell Joe. now the question is: do it over the phone now, or wait until we can be in person (in a month in a half)?

[Soyokaze]

I would suggest telling him as soon as possible, even if it means over the phone. If there's any hope of forgiveness in there you don't want him to think you hid it from him purposely. It's already a betrayal of trust. I asked the boyfriend for a man's perspective and he said that he would rather know immediately too.

[Haley53]

I would suggest telling him as soon as possible, even if it means over the phone. If there's any hope of forgiveness in there you don't want him to think you hid it from him purposely. It's already a betrayal of trust. I asked the boyfriend for a man's perspective and he said that he would rather know immediately too.

I agree with this. It'll also give him the time and space he needs to think, if he desires it.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the other replies because I thought they might piss me off. Uhm, so if I repeat anything or this has been resolved, my bad there.

So, like.. The fact is, people cheat. I know it's horrible, it's heart breaking, it's almost every partner's biggest fear. But it happens. And I don't think that makes anyone a bad person.

You seem to recognise that cheating is a sign of something wrong in your primary relationship, which is good - I see it this way too. And I might be on a limb here, but I do think not getting enough attention/affection or whatever for an extended period of time is grounds for cheating. Both my partner and I have discussed this.

Like, the other day Obi and I were discussing our sex life after the baby, and stories from other couples. And like there was this one chick, and they didn't have sex again after their first baby for a full year ... and we both agreed that would be grounds for cheating. I know that if I neglected him that long, and didn't give him permission to find it somewhere else, eventually, he'd cheat.
I've also been unfaithful in the past, not to Obi, but I have been. Nothing makes it "right" of course, but I know where my limits are now, and I know that if he wasn't fulfilling his end of the contract (and don't mistake yourself, marriage is a contract!) there would come a time I'd cheat again.
So we talk about it, and make sure if doesn't happen.

But I digress. The thing is, your primary partner ISNT talking to you and working with you to stop it happening. He's not fulfilling his end of the bargain by looking after you emotionally, and as a result of this, you're letting him down on the trust front.
There's something Dan Savage always says that sticks with me - for some reason, the whole world seems to end when one partner cheats. They fall off the wagon once and then for some reason every other time they DIDNT cheat suddenly means nothing. I think this is unbalanced and unrealistic.

Do I have a solution for what you should do? Uhm, no. Sorry, not really.

Clearly, you need time to figure shit out. Is Joe who you want? Or is this telling you that it's over and may have been for a while? See, communication issues don't go away when you close the distance. (In my case it actuallly became harder to communicate after going CD. For ages we talked a lot less, and about shit that wasn't as deep. Because when communication is all you have, you make it good, but when you see each other every day sometimes you forget to connect at a deeper level.) So, you need to sort it out before you rearrange your life for him. If he can't show his feelings now or talk now, it doesn't make sense to me that being CD will fix that in the long run.
And what about this new guy? is there something there or are you just really lonely? How compatible are you? Is a future possible? Or would you be happy to forgo future and just have some selfish fun for now?

Think about what you need and want as an individual. Don't go wasting time feeling bad for cheating just now - just work it out so you don't prolong the pain and deception. And put yourself first. It's ok to do that. Put yourself first and everything else will fall into place.

I hope that made sense, I'm not feeling great thismorning