Again, and I need advice

[Xanahtas]

Why bother posting if you are going to react like this? Sorry but there is no point in posting to us asking for help if you dont actually see things from our positions. Everytime i have ever been given advice i always take their points and try and understand where they are coming from. Then i can see whether they have a good point and then i can make improvements. If someone was telling me my relationship isnt healthy, i would have to at least wonder why and try and work out why.

We advise this because, after reading all your pervious posts, there is no indication you two could ever, or be able to, work together to make it better. For the sake of your health, you're better of single where you can focus on sorting out your own issues before you start adding a relationship into the mix. It doesnt matter how many good times there are, if the bad times lead to you attempting your own life, that is not healthy at all. You shouldnt be in a relationship which involves this type of feeling.

Try this for one moment. Put yourself in my shoes (an outsider) and look at all your previous posts. What would you advise yourself from reading everything? I think, you too, would advise what we all have advised you.

You need someone who can be there to support you, keep their promises and help you through things. He cant do that. He lets you down, doesnt give you the attention you want. You both end up in a complete mess and you cant deal with the problems that, as a couple, you face.

Your in denial about your realtionship being toxic - to even try and work on things you first have to actually acknowledge that it is and work out where you are both going wrong and find out why you feel how you do.

[squeeker]

I don't really think I can say anything.. because what I see is he was trying to see you for longer, had to work, so did the best he could and is at least still visiting you for Christmas! Sometimes we have to look at the positives. It's good you're getting help, and as long as you both stay commited to it and making it work, you can get through it. I'd steer away from taking the ODs though because if you succeed, you don't get a second chance to go back and say "wait, I shouldn't have done that." And you'll leave everyone around you heartbroken.. If you love him (I'm not sure you're whole story with him but even if you like him), you shouldn't make him go through that pain. When one person in an LDR works and the other doesn't, especially when there's a time difference, it can be hard especially on the person who isn't working, because they have more time to wait.. while the person who's working (or going to school, or just generally busier) has less time in the day to think about how they miss you.. that doesn't mean they don't love you or miss you, it's just they are busier at the moment. I think you should find a hobby, something to occupy your time and make you happy.. and also try and calmly tell him (or write him) how you feel, like maybe ask him if he could please let you know if he is busy and can't get online that day/night. And then focus on some kind of hobby.. or even write a journal of things you wanted to tell him and send it to him? I don't know, something like that might help!

My boyfriend had a bad past and it caused him lots of mental health issues in the past and he's still working through them today, and also has had suicidal thoughts. A previous relationship of his was really bad for his mental health too and he almost commited suicide. And if he had, I wouldn't have met him. Just something to think about.. I think you two should work on your communication a bit better.. I don't know what would work best.. maybe typing if you can't say things the right way over webcam. Or taking a few minute break (or however long you need) to think it through.. I'm not sure..

I know everyone is saying for you to leave him. That might be your best option, I know I've read some of your other posts, but I know I don't know the whole story, and I can't remember everything, and only you can decide what's best for you. I just thought I'd try and help.

EDIT: and I also think you shouldn't dismiss other's posts here so quickly.. take people's advice into consideration if you post. We're all in LDRs here..

[Moon]

Jezah, let's try putting this into perspective.

Over the last few months, you've posted how outraged you've been over him living under his father's thumb, and how he isn't doing anything with his life. So, HBB gets a job and has made plans to move away from his father -as you've requested he do- and now, as part of the real world, he can't visit you for three months, and you're mad at him. Being completely realistic here, what's the guy supposed to do??

To be honest and realistic here, once you're done school, and working, and an adult, those leisurely three month visits are OVER, a week or two IS as good as it gets, period. How is HBB supposed to get his act together, like you want him to, and visit you for three months? Do you see where this makes no sense? OK, he promised, but really, shit happens, life happens, and you need to step back and look at this logically. I mean seriously, he didn't actually do anything wrong, he's a grown-up and needs a job, and once that happens, you don't get to do whatever you feel like anymore.

Look, it sucks, but its life. Cut the guy a break, you can't have it both ways. I'd LOVE the opportunity to be with my guy for three months, but guess what? Unless we close the distance, it'll never happen, we have work. And that's how it goes, like it or not.

If you truly, honestly can't understand that, this isn't the place you should be trying to get advice from. I'm not even going to touch on the suicide attempt, I'm not a professional, and I cannot understand the concept at all.

[LittleBox]

I don't think you need to get used to him blowing you off or walking all over you for that matter. You're not a nutter and you need to stop putting yourself down. Don't just stay with the guy and "settle" because you think that there's nothing better out there. The fact that he buys you things doesn't make up for the times he's let you down or isn't there for you when you really need him. I understand what its like to have promises broken and to have everything you've felt secure about ripped to shreds. I've learned not to have expectations of others for fear that they'll let me down. I take things as they come. The only advice I have for you is to talk to him about your insecurities. Any relationship requires both of you to be on the same page, clearly you're not. Either way you're both missing the mark and this is something you need to work on together. You both need to make an effort otherwise you're just going end up suffocating each other and resenting each other in the long run. If promises are that big a deal to you then maybe he can start by making and keeping simpler promises. And in turn you shouldn't back him into a corner when something doesn't work out. Give him some space, show him that you support him.

[rubydissolution]

I know perhaps if I didn't think so little of myself maybe I would leave, but as is I feel like HBB is pretty damn good considering what a F up I am and as is more than I deserve. His last visit he took me to D.C, New York....he buys me a ton of gifts, he is good to me. If I am to believe everything people here are saying I am damn lucky he is staying with me since apparently I am a world class nutter, so I guess I really need to just get used to his blowing me off. Thanks for clearing that up.

And in that quote is ur underlying problem. You don't value yourself enough to see that you deserve better. We all suffer from self esteem issues. I have major major issues myself. None of us have to settle for second best, none of us have to settle for someone who doesn't treat us like we should be treated. He buys you gifts and takes you on trips, well a man who batters his wife will often follow that action up with a gift to say he's sorry. Gifts don't make the behavior better or go away. I have a friend whos mother was beaten and mentally abused by her husband. Sadly my friend was also involved in this abuse. After the abuse occurred his father would buy him a present to say he's sorry. That action made my friend fear and hate receiving presents and its taken him a long time to see that presents don't come with a cost. These presents, don't excuse his actions.

You say you are 26 and have dated a lot of scumbags. Well i'm 29, I'm 3 years older then you. I've dated a lot too, but in those dating years I've come to realize what I want. I want to be respected, I want to laugh a lot, I want a guy to tell me I'm beautiful to a point where I believe him. I don't want to feel like I come second to anything. I don't want to fight every other week/month, and if we do I want to let it go and be ok with it. These are things you should want! These are things he isn't giving you, bc you still see yourself as unworthy. You can't love someone else, or expect someone to love you when you can't love yourself.

I can't give you advice to stay, bc if I had listened to my friends when they told me to leave my last relationship I probably would have recovered a lot faster then I did. Eclaire is a smart person, She's gave me a ton of advice when I was in my last LDR and like you I ignored it. Maybe you should do what I didn't and listen.

[Jezah]

Xanathas, I reacted the way I just did because I am getting overwhelmed by the amount of negativity being thrown at me and HBB right now. We are not perfect, we have stuff we really need to work on in our relationship...but I react badly when people get on me for my suicide attempts being "for attention" because honestly they aren't. I play a game of russian roulette, I take a bunch of pills and maybe they will kill me maybe not. What I mean by this time was 'serious', was this time I took 60 Ativan and 10 beta blockers....I KNEW it would kill me or seriously maim me and wanted it. I felt hopeless and abandoned by HBB, and the worst part was feeling helpless. No matter how many different ways I told him I wanted him to come, how I tried to compromise he would just glibly say "I'm sorry but I am not changing my mind". I felt so completely unable to change this decision he just made that hurt me terribly, and so yes I tried to end the pain by ending the one think I COULD control, my own life. So go ahead and tell me I am annoying because I am doing it for attention and I need to use my words, I did, and it was like yelling at a wall.

I do love HBB something terrible, and maybe its stupid but I think the fact that when he was here for 2 months we didn't ONCE fight or even disagree tells me way more than the fights we have when we are under the immense strain of an LDR. I want to make this work with him, and committed to doing so, and maybe I was misguided in expecting anyone here to offer me suggestions on things we could do OTHER than break up. Squeeker, you actually didn't attack and that helped and that I thank you for. I will try and start a journal and who knows? It may help me express what I am feeling better to HBB if I am writing it down when not angry. I also do need to realize that HBB does have less time to miss me due to how busy he keeps himself, so I need to not blame him if he isn't 24/7 attentive.

I get now that it is done why he can't come for 3 months Moon, and I understand....but it wasn't so much not coming as it was the broken promise and the sudden pain it caused. Plus, I really wish he wasn't moving out of the bad situation with his dad and into another one with his immature bachelor buddies. Its like he is moving into a frat house, and so sorry if I am not all "wow, yay he is growing up!".

P.S. Just to add since no matter how many times I say it nobody seems to listen, HBB and me fight perhaps once every 2 months....in the meantime this is the man who makes me laugh so hard I choke, cry with happiness, feel sexy and all the other amazing crap that is true when we aren't in the middle of a fight. Our bad is pretty damn bad, but our good is also pretty amazing as well and THAT is what I don't want to give up

[Xanahtas]

I never said your attempts on your life were for attention, nor did i say you were annoying. So if that was aimed at me, you need to re-read my posts.

Instead of making rash choices, try just pausing for a while. I used to have anger issues, so when i was very very annoyed, id completely flip out at everyone, do stupid things and stay stupid things. I found a way to deal with it. I'd sit in my bedroom with a giant note pad and scribble down words, phrases, all the bad things i wanted to say and just fill this paper so i couldnt read it. Then i would rip it up into pieces and put it in the bin. After, i felt like a weight had been lifted and i felt a lot calmer. Then, i would sit and think about how to react to the situation. I still do it now. Maybe you could try something like this for when you feel helpless/down/etc?

Your SO shouldnt make you feel like that. As a few of us have said at some point, even with those good times, the bad ones shouldnt be that bad. Something is wrong if it goes THAT badly. How many more times will you get so distressed by a situation that you try to harm yourself? That isnt healthy. You shouldnt feel driven to do it.

Tbh, i dont think he understands the seriousness of some things and he seem like he cannot support you. You can do better and find someone who will always support you, understand you, be there for you and never make you feel like that.

[Haley53]

I also never said your suicide attempts were attention-based.

That said, you don't have to get used to him blowing you off because you're a "world class nutter." You have to get used to him blowing you off because that's what he does and who he is and who he's going to be when he moves in with people he can't stand up to. Maybe it would be one thing if you asked for advice that didn't involve you changing HBB/convincing him to change (when you yourself have said he constantly says he's sorry and repeats his mistake), or if HBB came here himself to ask about ways to change and actually internalised that information and put it into play, but you do and he doesn't. I think that's what a lot of people have a hard time with, because you're constantly asking us how to fix HBB or make a point that it's clear he's not even open to receiving at this point, let alone when he moves in with the guys.

[Sora1101]

P.S. Just to add since no matter how many times I say it nobody seems to listen, HBB and me fight perhaps once every 2 months....in the meantime this is the man who makes me laugh so hard I choke, cry with happiness, feel sexy and all the other amazing crap that is true when we aren't in the middle of a fight. Our bad is pretty damn bad, but our good is also pretty amazing as well and THAT is what I don't want to give up

My SO makes me feel like all of that and yet my SO has never once driven me to attempt to take my life, and as someone who was on the brink of trying (in a way that would have no end but death, no oops someone found me fail-safe) when I met my SO is saying something. The right person will make you feel like the queen of the world yes but even when fighting would never make you feel like the only choice was to end it all, your SO should be someone that makes you want to live even when the things in your life seem like they're spinning out of control. And to be honest having these extreme fights every 2 months is alot, my SO and I have been together 3 years and we've never seriously fought, at least not in the way that would bring the same problems here again and again.

If you honestly can't see that the best thing for you would be to break up with HBB, and I'm not even saying for forever, just until you get your life together and no longer feel the need to be in therapy (because that's when people should move onto relationships, when they're mentally healthy) then the only advice I can give is to never make your SO promise you anything anymore. He can't keep them and you're jumping off the deep end every time they're broken, it's not good and you know he can't handle them so why do you force them on him? Maybe if he isn't pressured with your high expectations of him he'll start coming through for you.

[squeeker]

Squeeker, you actually didn't attack and that helped and that I thank you for. I will try and start a journal and who knows? It may help me express what I am feeling better to HBB if I am writing it down when not angry. I also do need to realize that HBB does have less time to miss me due to how busy he keeps himself, so I need to not blame him if he isn't 24/7 attentive.

P.S. Just to add since no matter how many times I say it nobody seems to listen, HBB and me fight perhaps once every 2 months....in the meantime this is the man who makes me laugh so hard I choke, cry with happiness, feel sexy and all the other amazing crap that is true when we aren't in the middle of a fight. Our bad is pretty damn bad, but our good is also pretty amazing as well and THAT is what I don't want to give up

I'm glad you are going to try and start the journal idea. I think it can really do wonders. Even like Xanathas just wrote about scribbling everything down, and you can even throw it out afterwards. I know when I type on a blog I can type for so long and it has been nice sometimes when my SO and I can't talk very much and some big things have happened or whatever, and I wasn't able to get them across, writing them down (and possibly showing him depending on how silly I think it is later.. sometimes I ramble to him in a facebook message and that's automatically sent.. at least once I hit the send button.) I know when I was younger I'd get mad/frustrated at my sisters sometimes and I realized what really helped me was when I wrote down what they did. (It's funny now.. sometimes I come across something I wrote when I was frustrated.. what I used to get frustrated at was usually pretty silly!) But even though when I was younger is totally different, I still have felt that relief that comes with writing something down that frustrated me or made me emotional that day.

Actually I think that might be what at least part of the problem might be, but I'm not a psychologist or anything, I'm just trying to think about it in my thinking, if this isn't right, forgive me please! You're saying when you and HBB are together, you never fight.. well that's probably because you are able to go to him and tell him whenever something is on your mind. Now that you're apart, you have something on your mind, you have to wait for him, he comes on late or doesn't show, it builds in your head and you feel like you're going to explode or something.. so that would be where writing in a journal would be a very good idea! Then the thoughts are all out, you can read them over, organize them better in your head, and then either come up with a better way of explaining yourself or showing HBB your journal, or reading it and thinking of it in a different way and putting it aside.

I always like to see people fix problems rather than breaking up (maybe stems from the fact that if I posted a trouble I was having with my relationship and people said to break up, I'd be hurt too.. because I don't want to give up), so I really hope you two can work through this! And you know, if you write a journal, you can even make note of all the pro's and con's about your relationship! And that in itself could help you feel stronger about your relationship (or realize it's not meant to be if that is the case, I'm not saying it is, that a decision only you/he can make). I'm sorry if I babbled on too much, as I was typing I just got a bit carried away.. I won't backspace though as I sometimes do because maybe it'll be helpful (and if not, sorry!).

[Katelyn313]

I'm seeing a lot of my ex in HBB. My ex would also make promises he would not keep and would act as though I was overreacting when I confronted him about it. He acted like a child when it came to finances, his temper and his actions. After 7 years of heartache and annoyance, frustration and mental anguish, I decided I could no longer accept how he was, so I left. Also, this was after my Aunt saw how unreasonable he was being. Because he had me convinced he acted the way he did because I was not good enough.

My only advice for you since you don't want to leave him is to accept him the way he is. Accept that he is immature (which is NOT a result of his age. My ex is was 30, Dylan is 23 and FAR more mature.), accept that he won't keep his promises and you cannot rely on him for emotional support. Like Eclaire has told you, he won't ever be there for you and you will have to do all of the tough stuff in your life. And you have said before that you don't have very many close friends. You'll want to gather friends and family around you to be there for you.

As far as moving out with his bachelor friends, it should teach him SOME responsibility. Guys can't goof off always or leave things good like dishes or clothes. Eventually someone will have to step up. Also, the job might teach him to keep his promises a little better. Going to work every day and essentially promising he'll be there. But these are not things you should count on. I always saw glimmers of what my ex COULD be. But he always fell back into his old patterns.

I just don't wish for you to be as frustrated, depressed and anxious as I was before. I, too, didn't think I would find anyone who would love me as good; and I ended up finding someone better and we have a healthy (though not without it's bumps) relationship. There is no more manipulation or abuse (my ex had mentally, emotionally and verbally abused me). Life is amazing for me right now and I only wish the same for you.

Good luck.

[Black_Halloween]

I think this is one of the only times that I basically disagree with everybody that's commenting.

It sucks that he had to cancel and I do understand how frustrating it will be but keep in mind that he is still coming for Christmas and that he has a better job so visits in the future will be even better! He's not blowing you off at all because he's still coming to see you...so I don't know how you came to that conclusion.

As for your mental issues, please do not listen to the person who said that you're doing it for attention. Its amazing that you're getting help for it and I do not in any way agree that this is killing your relationship. He's helping you through it, he's sticking by you and that's something that a good boyfriend should be doing. Go more man points for him there!

(Also, people need to read through the comments before posting with harsh words towards you, damn! PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!).

I think that you're right in that you both fight so much is because you miss each other. Time together in an LDR means -everything-. But you also need to be realistic in setting time aside for each other too. Like, he cant spend every waking moment with you so maybe when he's busy you can read...or watch a movie...or dance in your kitchen while making cupcakes? Sliding around in your socks on kitchen floors is one of my favorite past times, hahaha

Just keep focusing on the positive and everything shall be alright. Message me if you ever need anything.

Don't listen to everybody else. Just breathe.

[Tooki]

I have anger issues as well. Plus my GF and I are very stubborn, and we get into arguments over it. But we have also made active efforts to find the root of the problem and progress from there. I can confidently say that we have made big strides in the past couple of months. Communication is the key here. You are also stuck in a cycle, where you pin blame upon your SO when he can't reach your everchanging goals. He isn't perfect by any stretch, but he is also trying to rectify his situation. You wanted him to move out of home, he is doing so but you get pissy at him because he is choosing to move in with his friends? If you don't like it, how about you help him find some places to move into online? But even though that he is trying his best to sort his shit out, he is still going to be unreliable. It doesn't look like things are going to change anytime soon, and you will be back here in a month or two with a similar dilemna and it will pan out just like it is right now.

If you are going to stay with him (which you probably will) you need to be 110% upfront with HBB, and you need to drop your expectations big time. Also how about you try and sort to actively sort out your issues instead of running off to medication. Medication is there to be a bandaid, not a cure. You need to want to help yourself, before other people can help you.

[I'm saying this out of concern for your own health. You seem like a nice person at heart, and you need somebody who can be there when you need it.]

[Jezah]

Sorry Xanathas, I should have specified that my comments on my suicide attempts being "annoying" and for attention were directed at MaggieS who said that in her post, not you.

HBB does have the ability to make me feel like the queen of the world, and honestly he is the most tolerant man sometimes. My anxiety has been so bad lately I am sleeping with a knife and can't close my eyes in the shower (PTSD, my neighbor was stabbed to death in front of me by a home intruder when I was 7), and one of the oddest things that helps me is playing Bingo online...as silly and old lady as that is, the monotony of it soothes me...so HBB has been playing it with me for hours on end if I am having a bad day because he knows it helps. He bought me a stunning Red Topaz necklace when I had an awful cold a few weeks ago, and he told me when I opened it that he bought it because Red Topaz is the third hardest substance on earth behind diamonds and metal, and that it was a fitting jewel for a woman as strong as me. I guess perhaps I don't say these things often enough about HBB on here, so you all don't see maybe why I refuse to even consider leaving him. He broke his promise and it nearly destroyed me because the biggest joy I could possibly imagine is being able to hold him again and feel safe, and he told me I have to wait longer to get that and have it for less time. It was so bad because I love him so damn much.

I don't mean to sound like I am discouraging on him, I am glad he is getting away from his dad and moving out....but I am truly terrified that him living with his friends who cannot possibly understand a LDR will hurt us. I mean right now he comes home from work and after dinner he immediately goes on Skype with me until bed. I can't imagine him doing that in this bachelor house and his friends not making rude snarky remarks about it. That is why I am hesitant to be excited for him moving out. I also am a pessimist for good reason, but still a pessimist so I am very cautious of new situations.

I also want to point out that blaming the suicide attempt 100% on HBB is unfair, and if I did that I am sorry. As I pointed out, my anxiety has gotten crippling lately and its actually making my hair physically fall out so I have a lot going on that is making me feel a bit desperate, and his not coming which was something I so looked forward to for months now....it just kicked my legs out from under me and I crashed.

Black_Halloween and Squeeker, bless you. Seriously, your posts made me smile and made me feel like I am not completely nuts here for still fighting for this relationship even though it is beat up a bit. I do have distractions, I download movies (usually sappy BBC miniseries or historical movies) that HBB would hate and watch them when he is at work. I also have my cats who are a great comfort, especially my kitten who is only 6 months old and a lovable terror. I don't just sit around pining for him all the time, but sometimes yes I do. It happens, when he was here for 2 months sometimes I would just watch him sleeping and it would give me such comfort just being near him. We have now been apart since December 2011 and it is one of the biggest reasons why this cancelled visit was so hard. I get such strength from him, and he is so far away that sometimes it feels like I will die waiting to see him again. I know that is dramatic, but HBB despite his faults is what I always ALWAYS dreamed of and wanted since I was a little girl...and being apart sometimes feels like the cruelest twist of fate.

[Malaga]

I know that is dramatic, but HBB despite his faults is what I always ALWAYS dreamed of and wanted since I was a little girl...and being apart sometimes feels like the cruelest twist of fate.

If he's your dream guy, why are you so unhappy with the way he is?