Again, and I need advice

[LittleVari]

I also want to point out that blaming the suicide attempt 100% on HBB is unfair

Speaking as someone who has been seriously suicidal with 3 attempts in my past: blaming even 1% on him is unfair. If you decide to off yourself, that's 100% on you.

What you're doing to him is unforgivable, and I can't believe no one here is calling you on it. Can you imagine how he would have felt if you'd succeeded? For the rest of his life, he would have blamed himself for your death. And you say you love him? You pull this high drama emotional blackmail on him because he has to shorten his visit due to having a job, and he's the problem here? Goddamn, what you're doing to him is emotionally abusive, and I don't know why he puts up with it.

And I don't know why you keep asking for advice here when you never listen to anything anyone says. Stop asking for advice when what you really want is validation for your horrific, abusive, childish behaviour.

[lucybelle]

You're settling with him. Just because everyone else you've dated was worse than him, doesn't mean he's the best you can do.

I truly think that until someone is OKAY with themselves, they should not start a relationship. I thought that you and HBB were on a break. What happened to that? That seemed like it was going so well. You could focus on yourself, your therapies, getting better, getting safe.

[CaptainKaz]

I get such strength from him, and he is so far away that sometimes it feels like I will die waiting to see him again. I know that is dramatic, but HBB despite his faults is what I always ALWAYS dreamed of and wanted since I was a little girl...and being apart sometimes feels like the cruelest twist of fate.

I try not to get involved in these sort of emotionally charged threads, and I pretty much agree with that everyone else has told you - and most have touched on what I'm about to say anyway - but the above really seems the route of the problem to me.

I get that being in an LDR sometimes makes you feel like you're waiting around on something all the time, but it shouldn't be the focus of your life. No relationship should, LDR or otherwise. Your happiness shouldn't be dependent on someone else. I'm not trying to defend your boyfriend, but maybe he's feeling under pressure to be the only thing in the world to make you happy. Is there anything else in your life you can devote yourself to? What about your career? My SO knows how important my career is to me and fully supports me when he needs to take second place to it, and vice versa. It makes us closer because of it.

Having someone you love attempt suicide can be one of the most strenuous things you can experience, and I think it can endanger the well-being of your relationship. As strange as it seems, have you talked to him about the affect that your suicide attempts have had on him? It might be pushing him further away, because that's some heavy stuff to deal with - especially if you've never had any experience of it before. He might not know how to help you, even though you feel like you're telling him straight out what he needs to do. It's a big responsibility to know that someone else's life depends on your actions.

That's my two cents, anyway.

[MaggieS]

Sorry Xanathas, I should have specified that my comments on my suicide attempts being "annoying" and for attention were directed at MaggieS who said that in her post, not you.

I'm not stirring this up again, I just feel like I need to point this out: I've actually had someone in my life commit suicide. I also know someone who failed at a suicide attempt, was literally only saved because a random person checked on her at a random hour. And the sad thing is, now that I've left the country and am not checking on her every day, she'll probably succeed at a re-attempt. Pop as many pills as you want, as long as you're on camera afterwards to give someone a live show of it, you don't really want to die and you're just crying for help. What I meant when I said learn to use your words wasn't continue begging from someone who won't give you the time of day, I meant talk to someone. You've admitted yourself that you don't react properly to situations like this, so why don't you take a beat and get a second opinion?

I'm sorry if I'm not as sympathetic as everyone else, but I've seen all this said and done before, and maybe I'm a little cynical, and if you can make your relationship work and clean up your mental health that's awesome. I wish you well in that endeavor. I just don't realistically see how it's going to happen when you do things this way.

[jleec24]

Jezah, it seems that you aren't really taking much advice from the people on here but I would like to try my hand. You say that you have attempted suicide and that you have insecurity and anxiety issues. I have the same thing. I was physically abused all my life and it really shaped me. It shaped my fears, my personality, my insecurities. So on and so fourth. With that and with a lot of things going on in my life, I too have tried to commit suicide in the past - three times.

At the time I had been in a bad place with friends, I was having constant problems at home and I found that I was in a relationship in where my girlfriend (at the time) just couldn't care any less. It was like anywhere and everywhere I went, I just always felt like I was not happy. With my girlfriend I was often scolded for the littlest things and it did a number on my insecurities and my self esteem because I already had so much going on at the time and I was already in such a fragile state. But because of that, because of my fragile state, I couldn't leave her. No matter how horrible the things she said to me were, no matter how sad I would get and no matter how bad the fights would get I could not leave her because I was so down and low on my self esteem and I thought so little of myself because of how everybody had made me out to be that I just didn't think I could find any better out there and that being single would mean that I was alone and it scared me. When things would get too bad with everything going on, instead of standing up for myself against my girlfriend and everybody else who hurt me, I would punish myself. I turned to thoughts of suicide and self harm and I blamed myself for everything. I tried to rationalize everything and tried to say that it's just because of me. It's because I am this way and it's because of my mental issues and because she and everybody else is normal, it must be me who's wrong because I have the issues.

Over a break I went out to forget her and the pain that she caused me and I ran into an old friend. She made me smile, she made me laugh and she made me feel like I was worth something. That alone made me realize that the relationship I was in was just not good. In the state that I was already in because of everything else going on in my life I could not handle anything worse. I found the strength to leave her and not long after, I realized how bad that relationship was.

A lot of things in life still affect me, I have the worst trust issues known to man but that's because I grew up in a space where everybody who you are told is supposed to love you, hurt me instead. Whether it was physically or emotionally or mentally. And I'm not saying my relationship now is all smiles and sunshine, we still have our problems. Recently she had a lying streak and I won't make up and excuses for her or rationalize, she should have never lied and it badly affected me because of my insecurities (just as you say HBB's actions affected you because of yours) but I've chosen to stay with my girlfriend because she did not just lamely apologize but because after a good long talk she chose to put her ego aside and work on it, herself and us for the sake of the relationship. We discussed what things would hurt my insecurities and what we could do as a pair and we are both working toward it and a stronger relationship and she is helping me work toward a stronger foundation every day.

Jezah what I think all of us are trying to make you understand is that we're not trying to say HBB is a bad guy or a bad boyfriend or either one of you isn't lucky to have the other. We're just saying that some people fit together and some people don't. Some people end up hurting the other instead of helping the other. I hope to have shown you that with my story up there. We're not here to accuse or offend or anything. We all simply wish to help one another because we are all in the same boat.

[LittleVari]

Having someone you love attempt suicide can be one of the most strenuous things you can experience, and I think it can endanger the well-being of your relationship. As strange as it seems, have you talked to him about the affect that your suicide attempts have had on him? It might be pushing him further away, because that's some heavy stuff to deal with - especially if you've never had any experience of it before. He might not know how to help you, even though you feel like you're telling him straight out what he needs to do. It's a big responsibility to know that someone else's life depends on your actions.

That's my two cents, anyway.

Yes yes YES. Of course, I have a feeling her SO is just as addicted to the drama as she is. This whole relationship is so unhealthy and toxic, and both of them are choosing to stay in it.

Jezah: I lurk here and so far I think your posts are the only ones I've ever responded to. The reason for that is because I identify with you. I've done some of the things you've done, expressed many of the same sort of things you've expressed. So I feel absolutely comfortable calling you on your bullshit.

Your SO has his faults. Now everyone has faults, but the secret is finding a partner with faults that don't trigger you and bring out your worst. You want someone dependable and steady, and, let's face, someone who allows you to walk all over them. There's nothing wrong with that -- there are men out there like that. But that isn't your SO. Your SO is flaky and doesn't seem good at planning and seems easily swayed by family and friends. That's who he is. You're not going to change that. He won't change for you. let me cap and bold that for you: HE WON'T CHANGE FOR YOU. As long as you think there's some key to "fixing" him, you're going to be miserable.

Meanwhile, you're being awful to him. Playing games with suicide is a HORRIBLE thing to do to a person you claim to love. I cannot stress this enough. It's manipulative, abusive, AND you show a complete lack of empathy for what you've put him through. You're not going to get his attention and make him understand how much you're hurting, YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE HIM AWAY. Because eventually the drama will be too much to bear, and being that his friends and family have so much sway over him and this is a LDR, they'll eventually convince him to walk away.

You either accept him for who he is, faults and all, or you decide his faults aren't compatible with your well-being and end it. That's it. This is the answer to every single post you've made here and probably all your future posts as well, and you won't get any other advice than this because YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON.

Grow up. Get out of this relationship and work on yourself. Stick with the therapy, work hard, and be brave enough to be brutally honest with yourself. Stop looking for everyone else to provide all the answers, and looking for a partner to credit with your happiness or to blame your sadness on. You are responsible for your own emotions and mental health. A white knight isn't going to save you - you need to save yourself.

It was a tough fight for me, and I still fight. But the day I finally faced myself honestly and realized I was responsible for my own life and emotions was the day things started to get better.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

HE WON'T CHANGE FOR YOU.

This.

Jezah, Think. Has anything you've done, regardless of it being 'healthy' or 'unhealthy' genuinely changed his behaviour towards you?

If the answer is 'No', you know exactly what we know.

I said to my SO recently "It's hard to accept that the reality I live is genuinely my reality", because being apart upsets me. I think you're having a really difficult time accepting your reality, too.

Please, please, please, don't attempt suicide again. Talk to your therapist, talk to people who love you - your friends, your family. People here can debate whether it's attention or not all they like, but the reality is that even if it is just for attention, You Can Die. I'm not sure how strongly you understand that. Not existing anymore. Because people will be sad that you're gone, but their lives will continue. The only life that will truly stop forever is yours. Jezah, you don't really want to die. You want to be happy. And we want you to be happy. And I promise you, happiness is not out of your reach. It might take some work, but you CAN be happy and fulfilled again.

[Jezah]

I wasn't aware what I wanted was to change him, I was just hoping to make him more aware of how I felt and what he does to me. Oddly, reading him my posts from here seems to have accomplished that.

I am tired of being attacked like MaggieS and LittleVari made me feel, it just is so unhelpful. I know you think you are doing the whole "tough love" thing and so I don't hold it against you personally, but for me its just, well...unhelpful. I get suicide would have been horrible to do to HBB, now. At the time, I was angry, hurt, hopeless...if its a negative awful emotion I felt it. I wasn't really thinking much further than ending the pain and being dead honestly, certaintly wasn't having deep forethought as to the long term effects of my death on my loved ones. I too have had a friend kill himself, so that card doesn't make you somehow allowed to be that much harsher on those who try. Depression is a disorder, not a lifestyle choice.

I know others have genuinely tried to be helpful and feel me and HBB are just doomed, and you have every right to that opinion since maybe if I was outside looking in I would feel the same. The issue is, I am inside the relationship and days like today when HBB makes me laugh, smile and feel amazing I get the unique perspective that allows me to see how much good HBB is doing me. Again, you don't have to believe me, but I am just so tired of trying to explain. I don't want to give up on me and HBB, I don't want to walk away when even my own therapists don't feel I need to. He is not bad for me, but we do fight and I guess due to my sensitive nature and high emotions it gets really bad and that is all anyone here seems to see.

So, I am leaving LFAD. At least for now, for every 2 posts that helped and gave me a new way to think of this there were 10 that told me to give up and that if I didn't I was essentially deserving every bad thing I got. HBB gave up a long time ago on this site, and everytime I post he looks at me like I am dense. I don't hate it here, or anyone here, but right now it is simply making everything worse. I wish I could come here and vent, turn to this site and people on it like best friends who will listen, offer advice if they can but just be there. Instead it feels like I am unwelcome and that everything I say is taken in the worst possible way. I wish everyone here the best, anyone who cares to keep up with me can find me on FB, just PM me for the link. I hope someday I can come back and say "Hey guys, living in England and married!" but until then I know me and HBB will struggle and you all seemed to have had enough of that. So, this is me signing off without anger or negativity, but doing what I feel is best for me right now.

- Jezah

[Tooki]

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I think that it's a mistake that you aren't listening to the veterans (who have also followed your posts more than I have) because I would listen to them first if they posted in any of my threads.

If you want to stay in the relationship, then be prepared to deal with the good AND the bad that come with it. You are blindly shutting out a very plausible option (that this site's most respected) have asked you to consider. I honestly hope to god that you don't die because of this.

[Xanahtas]

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I think that it's a mistake that you aren't listening to the veterans (who have also followed your posts more than I have) because I would listen to them first if they posted in any of my threads.

If you want to stay in the relationship, then be prepared to deal with the good AND the bad that come with it. You are blindly shutting out a very plausible option (that this site's most respected) have asked you to consider. I honestly hope to god that you don't die because of this.

This, 110%

[LittleVari]

JUMPIN' JEHOSAPHAT JEZAH, GET OFF THE CROSS.

You want people to coddle you and talk sweetly and never ever hurt your feelings. Well guess what, you can't control how people respond to your posts anymore than you can control how your SO acts. STOP TRYING TO CONTROL PEOPLE. STOP EXPECTING PEOPLE RESPOND THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO. No one here has the magic cure for your relationship, NO ONE. Over the course of the last year, you've presented us with an extremely dysfunctional relationship, have come to us asking advice, and when you get it, you don't like it and you say we all misunderstand you and we're just plain mean. Well not everyone is nice, and not everyone is sweet, and when you open your issues up to the public and expect them to weigh in, you're going to get different kind of responses, including those you don't like.

I'm straight forward and honest. I resent you suggesting the time I took to respond to you wasn't of any value simply because I refuse to play your game. If my advice isn't useful to you, that's fine, but don’t act like I'm some bully trying to tear you down when what I'm trying to do is help you. I have perspective - I used to think a lot like you - and you can take my advice or leave it, but harsh as I am, I want to help you. Stop trying to control how I respond to your posts.

Now you're going to take your toys and walk away, all because you don't like what a few people said to you. You can act like you were driven out of here and that everyone hates you, but that is FAR from the truth. No one here ever said you were unwelcome. People here actually care about you. Even if you don't agree with what people advise, people still have taken time to advise you. But if you want to make yourself a victim, feel free. That's completely in your control and your choice. Just remember though, how you see yourself is how you'll project yourself, and most people tire of the always-victim.

I suffer from mental illness, including depression and occasionally suicide ideation. I have great compassion for those who are struggling. But you have to do the work if you want to find a way out. It isn't enough to go to therapy and let them shock your brain - YOU have to do the work. So long as you seek to be the victim and act as though the whole world is against you and lose it whenever anyone lets you down, you're going to be miserable. You're not going to heal or progress. Do you get that? If you frame yourself as a victim, then you are a victim, and you'll never get better. You're using your victim complex like a wall, probably because you don't like yourself very much, and it's easier to convince yourself that everyone hates you and is against you than to actually face the reasons behind your self-hatred. And I'm sorry for that. Because as long as you let yourself be a victim, you're never going to be you. And maybe that's why you do it. That's really sad, Jezah.

I know this post is a waste of time. You're not ready to change. So I'm going to take my own advice and bow out of any further communications with you: I can't change you, and I can't help someone who doesn't want to help herself.

Best of luck to you. No matter what you may think I think of you, I only wish you happiness and contentment.

[Haley53]

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I think that it's a mistake that you aren't listening to the veterans (who have also followed your posts more than I have) because I would listen to them first if they posted in any of my threads.

If you want to stay in the relationship, then be prepared to deal with the good AND the bad that come with it. You are blindly shutting out a very plausible option (that this site's most respected) have asked you to consider. I honestly hope to god that you don't die because of this.

Same here, but if this is what you feel you need to do for you, then I wish you all the best in figuring out this path and others to come.

[XxFranticLovexX]

- Jezah

You seem to know how you feel and what you want, so I wish you the best.
Just remember, for yourself, that if your relationship ever gets to the point to where there are more downs than ups then it's time to move on. I'm speaking from experience here.. at this point, there will be days that he will make you feel like the most wonderful person in the world, but even more days when he makes you feel completely hurt or unwanted. For yourself and your well being, if it ever gets to that point, consider walking away. I thought that I couldn't be happy if I left (in that situation) but I am. I am much happier now than I was by the time that relationship ended.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, to give up, or to leave him. Like I said, i wish you the best in your relationship. I just want you to remember that you are important too and how you feel is important. In your life you are the most important person, even if you can't see it right now. Good luck dear. <3

[Puppy's.Kitty]

Now wait a minute everyone I agree its not healthy that she attempts suicide over things we don't see as a big deal its definatly not healthy but she is getting help for this fact that is a good thing. And yes with seeing posts like this the relationship can seem toxic or whatever, but if its just her over reaction (don't mean that in a mean way but it kinda is) to him cutting down a visit this is something that can be worked out. I mean think about it, if she does take advice to break this off and starts dating again who is to say it won't still happen right? Yes he needs to do a bit better on maybe not making promises he can't keep but she needs to work on keeping her cool when something does come up too.

My advice is keep going to your sessions and let them know about your ldr if you havent already and explain the good and bad to them so they have the full picture. It seems you guys have the main problem of balancing life and the relationship and its hard when things get in the way. Now I have been told that the threat of someone getting tired of something and saying if we can work this out it may be over helps. I have never taken it, for me I wait for change till I can't wait anymore and do leave them. Not saying this is what must happen for change but the fear of loosing something dear to us wakes people up sometimes. If you do use that approch you have to be strong and firm though breaking up is not something I can say unless I will actually do it. Try finding things to help your self esteem and maybe find something you can do for the times he blows you off. As far as when he says he will talk to you and gets busy or distracted maybe you guys can set up a time every day to get on skype and he sets an alarm to remind him just know that something may come up and it may change either he can't stop what he is doing since you said his dad harps on him or maybe hanging with the friends is going longer than the time he is suppose to be there to talk. Unfortunately with an ldr it is unpredictable and we have to expect that how we want things to go won't always go that way. And please try not to do something so harmful to yourself, you said this time scared you straight (as I see it) so hopefully it won't happen again. Just talk to your SO about how you feel when something goes wrong calmly and talk with your therapists and such as well and hopefully things will get better but its a 2 way street just as you must adjust he must be willing to do so as well you know? Hope this helped and if you wanna talk your free to message me.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I know perhaps if I didn't think so little of myself maybe I would leave, but as is I feel like HBB is pretty damn good considering what a F up I am and as is more than I deserve. His last visit he took me to D.C, New York....he buys me a ton of gifts, he is good to me. If I am to believe everything people here are saying I am damn lucky he is staying with me since apparently I am a world class nutter, so I guess I really need to just get used to his blowing me off. Thanks for clearing that up.

you think he is the best you can do? that he is above all, and you are so darn low even to deserve someone like him?
you NEED help. and yes i know you are getting help. you arent stable, your treatment need time to sink in, you need time apart from HBB. you dont understand that simple truth.
duh, why do you stick with a relationship that makes you want to kill yourself? you are not in your senses.