We Broke Up (previously Eclaire)

[nicole]

*hugs*, I'm sorry it had to end, but I'm glad you made the decisions which were best for you; I know you were putting so much into this. I'm also glad you're sticking round wise one, I think a lot of people would miss you here! We're all around whenever you need us!

[Romeo s Juliet]

i am so so so sorrrry i never thought you would have to go through something like this. you have given me such valuable advice, and reading your posts are always a joy to me. I am so sorry that you had to go through this i wish that god gives you all the strength to cope and may god bless you.

[ThePiedPiper]

Nice to know some people saw it coming at least. Thank you so much everyone for your support, really.

He sent me an e-mail this morning detailing all the things he's aware (at least now) that he did: took me for granted, did not receive my love and affection, still claims I did not express things explicitly though but I'm not sure how much more explicitly I could have said them, etc. and is asking me for closure. From what I know when he broke up with me, though, when he and I were on break, is that "closure" in the way you want it/feel you need it never comes. What you say in a 3-page long e-mail, for example, is enough for day one but by day five, you've got another novel's worth of things to say. I am not really sure what more I have to say, though. I have given him opportunities on two separate occasions for closure/saying what he needed to say (yesterday) and I asked him to respect my space and had been under the impression he would have given that to me. The ending of his last text to me said, after all, "But I will give you space. I'm sorry." There's a part of me that feels guilty and like I at the very least owe this to him, because he claims that, regardless of the issues he listed that he recognises now, they're not reasons to end our relationship. But then I ask why do I owe him even more? Half the reason this break-up happened is due to how much love and effort that I put into it that was completely unreceived. He took me for granted, and he seems to think it happened "since the trip," but it's been going on for a long time. The trip was the eye opener because he treated me the same way in person, and that allowed me to stop rationalising it as being due to the distance or 100% down to his depression. The other thing is he told me not to send answers through the e-mail. He wants to set up a specific time when we can talk on the phone. I don't. I have told him this is painful for me too and I need space and that's all I'm asking him to respect and so far he hasn't. I know I'm more or less doing the right thing by not responding, but can someone please confirm my decision?

[lucybelle]

I think clean breaks are always the way to go. After a long relationship there's too many emotions involved to continue contact. You don't want to hurt him, he doesn't want to hurt you, but you both have to hurt to heal and move on.

No contact is better than a one lined response.

[Moon]

Nice to know some people saw it coming at least. Thank you so much everyone for your support, really.

He sent me an e-mail this morning detailing all the things he's aware (at least now) that he did: took me for granted, did not receive my love and affection, still claims I did not express things explicitly though but I'm not sure how much more explicitly I could have said them, etc. and is asking me for closure. From what I know when he broke up with me, though, when he and I were on break, is that "closure" in the way you want it/feel you need it never comes. What you say in a 3-page long e-mail, for example, is enough for day one but by day five, you've got another novel's worth of things to say. I am not really sure what more I have to say, though. I have given him opportunities on two separate occasions for closure/saying what he needed to say (yesterday) and I asked him to respect my space and had been under the impression he would have given that to me. The ending of his last text to me said, after all, "But I will give you space. I'm sorry." There's a part of me that feels guilty and like I at the very least owe this to him, because he claims that, regardless of the issues he listed that he recognises now, they're not reasons to end our relationship. But then I ask why do I owe him even more? Half the reason this break-up happened is due to how much love and effort that I put into it that was completely unreceived. He took me for granted, and he seems to think it happened "since the trip," but it's been going on for a long time. The trip was the eye opener because he treated me the same way in person, and that allowed me to stop rationalising it as being due to the distance or 100% down to his depression. The other thing is he told me not to send answers through the e-mail. He wants to set up a specific time when we can talk on the phone. I don't. I have told him this is painful for me too and I need space and that's all I'm asking him to respect and so far he hasn't. I know I'm more or less doing the right thing by not responding, but can someone please confirm my decision?

Yes, you are doing the right thing. If you start giving in, he's going to keep needing "closure" and it'll turn into a never-ending circle. It's not really closure he's looking for, it's a way to try talking you out of your decision, disguised as something else. It's what we read here all the time, people breaking up, but then still staying in contact, pretending to be "friends", because they're afraid to make that clean break, and deep down hoping for the miracle reconciliation. No, as long as you're sure about your decision, then you are doing the right thing. Why prolong the hurt and delay the healing?

[ThePiedPiper]

I think clean breaks are always the way to go. After a long relationship there's too many emotions involved to continue contact. You don't want to hurt him, he doesn't want to hurt you, but you both have to hurt to heal and move on.

No contact is better than a one lined response.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. If you start giving in, he's going to keep needing "closure" and it'll turn into a never-ending circle. It's not really closure he's looking for, it's a way to try talking you out of your decision, disguised as something else. It's what we read here all the time, people breaking up, but then still staying in contact, pretending to be "friends", because they're afraid to make that clean break, and deep down hoping for the miracle reconciliation. No, as long as you're sure about your decision, then you are doing the right thing. Why prolong the hurt and delay the healing?

Thank you both. I have the hardest time during the first few days when I'm vulnerable and hurting no matter how right I know in my head the decision for me was. The affirmation helps. I'm so glad I have friends elsewhere and friends here on LFAD that listen to me whinge and are there to reassure me. I figured the clean break was best, and I figured that you were right, Moon, that there will always be something else/some other need. And I understand you're right about the disguise, too. I figured that from the general tone of his e-mail, saying he feels our relationship ended prematurely and he could change/fix it/make it better. It's too late for that, but I don't see the need to constantly reiterate it. He said in his e-mail he has no intentions of changing my mind, but that he wants closure, that he wants to know if this is a break or isn't, that "when we talk again..." I'll never hear this or that, that he doesn't know if my love feelings have truly gone, etc., but I don't know if I need to answer those questions? I already did in ways yesterday and I feel like he'll have those questions even if I said, "no, I'm walking out forever." I guess it tugs at my heartstrings, but I know if I give in, it'll keep coming. You both are right. Thank you.

[kittyo9]

Aww honey. It's a tough, tough road. If you're done with this, be done with it-- the longer you talk to him, the more you will doubt yourself and your decision.

[snow_girl]

I agree with Lucy and Moon. I had an ex that a broke up with in high school, I still cared for him very much but we were just starting to go in different directions and it was time to break up. It was extremely hard for me and he fought it for weeks after. It was very hard on me and I ended up having to be a massive bitch to get my point though. It isn't something I wanted to do but he wouldn't have let up otherwise.
I think you are doing the right thing for sure. Closure is an excuse to delay the process, you've given him your reasons and he can take it or leave it. Him saying he will change is almost too little too late, you don't own him a phone call to re say everything you have. If you don't email him back that IS okay.

[mllebamako]

First of all, I am so sorry to hear this. We are here for you and I'm really glad that you decided to stick around. You are obviously an invaluable member of LFAD.

Secondly, I'll confirm your decision. Like you said, people don't usually get full closure just because ending a relationship is so painful that closure and healing can only come with time, not with a 5 page email or a long phone conversation. There will always be more to be said. Try not to feel guilty about this and take all the time you need. It sounds like he doesn't agree with the reasons why things ended and a phone call would probably just end up with him trying to convince you to reconsider. And you don't need that kind of confusion right now.

[eveningsky]

I had an ex I've talked about on here before in response to other's posts about their SO trying to get back with them after a break up. I will tell you my story.
We were together on-and-off for around 4 years total. Around 3, he broke up with me while we were long distance and we didn't talk for 2 months. Then he called me out of the blue. I didn't answer. I sat there memorized by my phone and the fact that he was calling. I thought "If he leaves me a voicemail, I might call back." He didn't but I called back anyway. I felt like I needed to know what he wanted. From that point on, we talked a lot and I was hoping it was just as friends but he kept flirting with me and building my emotions (even though I knew I didn't want to get back with him after all the damage he had caused in my social life). When he came home, he begged for me to give him another chance. At first I refused but he was very manipulative so I made a (very bad) deal with him (if he did something I knew he didn't want to do but that would cause the problems we had to go away, I would give him one more chance). He seemed to be sweeter than before but it wasn't long before he asked me to marry him when I came to visit him and I said, "No." Because to me, a few months doesn't show that he's committed for real. Plus, I wanted to finish school. After my visit with him, he broke up with me for the last time (long distance).
It's like all I had done was open up a scar that had already been healing. He was a very manipulative person and manipulated me into it although I knew I didn't want to and I got hurt again. Although, I did get a trip to Japan out of it!
Seriously though, if you don't want to open the wound back up, don't.

[ThePiedPiper]

Ugh, I had a missed call on my phone from him. What happened to yesterday's, "I know you need space. I'll give that to you. I'm sorry" ?! All he's doing, quite honestly, is making me hurt more and because I'm hurting, I'm ending up feeling angrier and angrier. Two phone calls he begged for closure and I gave him those two phone calls. Why should he get a third? There is going to be no closure because he'll have more and more to say and I feel like I give into him at this point, he'll realise he can make me give in at all... What hurts the most is that he's making all these repair attempts now when I actually reached out to him several times in the past, letting him know how he was treating me and what it was making me feel and while he might think it's been this way "since the trip," I really hope he at some point reflects on the things we argued about and the things I said during the trip. I need space. He told me he would give that to me. He's making me feel so many horrid emotions that I could scream.

I really don't know what to do in this situation beyond what I'm already doing. I don't want to talk. I told him that. We had three phone calls yesterday; we don't need a fourth. I feel horrible leaving him "hanging" like this, but I need space. He said he would give it to me. He's not. I don't feel he'd be as persistent if he actually heard in my call that this is a break-up. His e-mail from this morning mentioned he's not sure whether or not it's a break or what the terms are or if I still feel the same... I told him that my romantic feelings changed, that I love him as a person but not as a partner, and that I don't want him to treat this like our last break where we were talking with the possibility of getting back together. I said I don't want him to wait for me because even if I'm not saying we'll never talk again, I am saying I need time and space to heal and get over the relationship because it is a break-up. That's explicit enough, right? If he doesn't hear that, that's not on me, right?

[BellaJedi]

Don't let him be the one to sort of 'dictate' your space for you - if you need it, take it. You've done what you could and now it's your turn to start healing, and if he doesn't want to give you the space well then frankly that's too bad for him and you have NO responsibility to him over yourself. You need to look out for yourself first, and I feel like you've already given him what he wants enough times. I'm very sorry to hear, but we're all here for you and glad you're sticking around! Take care of yourself first.

[ThePiedPiper]

Thank you. I feel like that too. I'm angry he can't see that. Yesterday was when it happened. While the first day is always hard, we ended on the note of him promising to give me space. If he won't give that to me, I suppose you're right, the very least I can do is give that to myself.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Sounds like a difficult situation. However, with judgement as accurate as yours I think you've probably made a mature, well thought out decision. Sorry things didn't go as planned.

Sending lots of love and support.

[ThePiedPiper]

Thank you so much.