Not sure what i should do. little embarrassed to ask friends. Should i say anything?

[warlord]

synapsis on my Relationship. Thanks in advance for all the people that took the time to read the whole thing and helping me with an answer at the end. I know its a little long but i am feeling kind of shitty right now.

We live on opposite sides of the planet. She is 22 i am 36.

Met 1.5 years ago while i was on vacation met her when i had 10 days left. We spent all 10 days together. When i came back. We kept in touch but more or less very infrequently. She ended up with a boyfriend, and i hooked up with a couple of other girls. Even though she had a boyfriend, she still kept in touch with me.

after 1.5 years, i was due to go back to the same place for vacation (3 of my best friends liver there). About 4 month before i went back, we started texting more often... one thing led to another... before i knew it we were going hot and heavy.

When i got there, i planned on being there for 26 days. We pretty much spent almost every day together.

About half way though my trip,.... i started seeing signs that she had another guy. Im pretty sure i was the priority though because she would get calls late at night and ignore them, there was a handful of times when i went out with my buddies and im pretty sure she went out with the other guy. I didn't say anything because i was not her boyfriend and i was also sleeping with other girls that i had met while out with my buddies.

She had made comments about how she "Just want to be with me" But i would often evade the question and not answer her at all because i didn't want to be committed and liked partying and hooking up with other girls.

So right before i left, things started to get really serious. She started telling me stuff like she loves me and she has never met anybody like me and she only wants to be with me. I tell her i feel the same way, but i still never officially say we are boyfriend and girlfriend.

So i come back and we are going hot and heavy still. She works long hours and have school and i have work as well...on top of which we are in a 14 hour difference time zone.

about 3 weeks ago, she kind of cornered me and asked me bluntly if we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. After some pressure i said Yes we are (i do care about her a lot).

So now that we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend... her having another guy is no longer cool.

She is very loving, telling me how much she loves me and misses me on a daily basis. But because she has long work hours, i find im not trusting her. I keep thinking she is lying about her work hours and is still seeing that other guy.

So my question is this, should i confront her about this other guy? I mean, its possible that ended and that was when she bluntly asked if we were together. Is it worth to ask? I mean, its going to be another 11 month till she comes to visit me.... If she lies.... no way i will know. So lost not sure what to do. If we were not committed, i wouldn't care but we are supposedly boyfriend girlfriend now.. There is a cute girl at work that is interested in me that i would totally go for if i was not committed. Should i confront her? And if i did, would that really make a difference/help?

[Black_Halloween]

You really could just be making a huge assumption here. You sure its not her friends calling her? God forbid if she has anybody else but you in her life. If there is no trust in an LDR it can't work.

[warlord]

No.... no way. Getting calls at 3 in 4 on the morning regularly multiple times in one night?

other tells... We are eating dinner she answers the phone... talking to some one on the phone... Yes, no, yes, yes ok, ok. ok.. and when the waiter comes up to me (we are sitting next to each other) she turns the phone away when we start talking so the person on the other end doesn't here us.

Just turning my head and accidentally seeing some of her incoming text messages and the texts were I miss you baby, hi baby.

Being out with my buddies and her not answering her phone (I've spent a lot of nights with her,... she never turns her phone off) She has however looked at whos calling and ignored it.

One night where when we got back to her place, she was in a rush to have sex, then when we were done, instead of me spending the night, she said she has to work early and i should go back to my buddies house and spend some time with him because she feels like she is hogging all my time. Litterally pushing my out the door, her getting a call as i am leaving and her saying " yes, yes, of course, no problem i will see u soon." And then she says to me, some friends want me to go drink, im lying to them, im not actually going to go meet them up.... on a night she was trying really hard to get me to leave.

Other things too. im not the type of guys to jump to conclusions but.... the signs are pretty obvious. Im ok back then when she had another guy cause i was sleeping with other girls too but.... now that we are a couple, im no longer cool with it....

[Moon]

Mentally, there's a huge difference between 36 and 22 (or at least there should be), you both may have different ideas about commitment, and what exactly your expectations are in this LDR. Did you talk about what being "boyfriend and girlfriend" means to you both, and create some boundaries? If not, you need to do that right away, and understand what you expect of each other. Yes, you should gently ask her if the other guy is still around, especially if you never said the word exclusive, specifically. Define your relationship, have a good conversation about it, then decide if you can trust her. If you can't, end it now, LDR's do not work without it.

[warlord]

Mentally, there's a huge difference between 36 and 22 (or at least there should be), you both may have different ideas about commitment, and what exactly your expectations are in this LDR. Did you talk about what being "boyfriend and girlfriend" means to you both, and create some boundaries? If not, you need to do that right away, and understand what you expect of each other. Yes, you should gently ask her if the other guy is still around, especially if you never said the word exclusive, specifically. Define your relationship, have a good conversation about it, then decide if you can trust her. If you can't, end it now, LDR's do not work without it.

Good idea....i guess we should have that talk. So hard to find time with her working 12 hours. We barely have time for an " i miss you". To all you other LDR's. Does having the other person tell you they have nobody else make it easier to trust?

I guess a big part of it is my own fault. She wanted to be boyfriend girlfriend while i was there but i purposely ignored her so i could still play around. Now im ok with not playing any more and focus on work and working out but im suspicious of her. I know her love for me is real... but just jealous there might be a guy on the side for her. .... I guess i only have my self to blame.

[Dezface]

You definitely need to define the relationship. I'm sure she knew you were hooking up with other girls too, so who's to say she doesn't think that's continuing? Neither of you will know where you stand unless you both put what you want and expect out there.

From what you've written though, it does seem like you may have a hard time trusting her regardless of what she tells you. Which, of course, is silly. She hasn't done anything to prove she's untrustworthy. You guys weren't exclusive when you were together last.

As for the question about having them confirm there's no one else-For my relationship, it was a given. It was majorly complicated and things wouldn't have gone anywhere if we weren't serious about being exclusive with each other. But I do think in yours, it might give you at least a little peace of mind. So do have that talk and see what happens.

[warlord]

You definitely need to define the relationship. I'm sure she knew you were hooking up with other girls too, so who's to say she doesn't think that's continuing? Neither of you will know where you stand unless you both put what you want and expect out there.

From what you've written though, it does seem like you may have a hard time trusting her regardless of what she tells you. Which, of course, is silly. She hasn't done anything to prove she's untrustworthy. You guys weren't exclusive when you were together last.

As for the question about having them confirm there's no one else-For my relationship, it was a given. It was majorly complicated and things wouldn't have gone anywhere if we weren't serious about being exclusive with each other. But I do think in yours, it might give you at least a little peace of mind. So do have that talk and see what happens.

Yeah.. I was ok most of the time... but last night there was an odd moment that made me very suspicious... Thats why i decided to make this post. Usually we chat when she get off work around 11:30 PM her time.. so yesterday, we texted each other around 12 AM midnight and she said she would text me later because she decided to go jogging.... at 12AM Midnight... . She said she would text me back when she was done. 2 hours later at 2am her time, she said shes tired and is in bed now. She loves me and will text me tomorrow.

It was very suspicious to me. If we were not in an exclusive relationship... i would still not like it.. but i would tolerate it. Now that we are supposedly Boyfriend girlfriend.... is this acceptable behavior? Am i over reacting or is this kind of weird?

Plus at most she jogs for an hour ( I've asked her to work out with me before because i work out 6 days a week and she always seems like she hates working out and will only slow jog every now and then)

So she get done with her jogging and got ready to go to sleep never texted me like she said she would when she was done and went straight to sleep? Am i acting butt hurt or do i have legitimate complaints and suspicions here?

[Hollandia]

Yeah.. I was ok most of the time... but last night there was an odd moment that made me very suspicious... Thats why i decided to make this post. Usually we chat when she get off work around 11:30 PM her time.. so yesterday, we texted each other around 12 AM midnight and she said she would text me later because she decided to go jogging.... at 12AM Midnight... . She said she would text me back when she was done. 2 hours later at 2am her time, she said shes tired and is in bed now. She loves me and will text me tomorrow.

It was very suspicious to me. If we were not in an exclusive relationship... i would still not like it.. but i would tolerate it. Now that we are supposedly Boyfriend girlfriend.... is this acceptable behavior? Am i over reacting or is this kind of weird?

Plus at most she jogs for an hour ( I've asked her to work out with me before because i work out 6 days a week and she always seems like she hates working out and will only slow jog every now and then)

So she get done with her jogging and got ready to go to sleep never texted me like she said she would when she was done and went straight to sleep? Am i acting butt hurt or do i have legitimate complaints and suspicions here?

I had an ex that told me he quit smoking for a year. I had thought I saw signs of this and that for months. I swore I smelled smoke at times. It took me a full year of thinking I was half going nuts before he stopped denying it when I walked in on him with a cigarette in his mouth. I know this is not the same thing but the point is he LIED and if you think she is lying to you................ask her.

Red flags are good to make you take notice, you seem to have more than enough to have a right to ask her what is going on. If she is still seeing some other guy because you too never confirmed that it is one thing, but for her to lie to you and make up excuses that is another.

Lying destroys all trust and without trust in a LDR, you are done. Ask her whether you too are exclusive and if you are then keep your eyes open for more signs. If you continue to see them to the point that is truly upsetting you then ask her about her sudden disappearances. Beware, if she is not cheating on you, she will be offended and it could possibly cause a huge rift in your relationship. That is what you need to decide.

It is hard, there is a fine line. Do you wait and play the fool if you are being cheated on and lied to or do you confront and risk looking like you are paranoid. You need to make that decision depending on what your spidey senses tell you, just make sure to be certain. I suggest writing down the times she disappears so you can keep track of it and the reasons she tells you.

Oprah said once that if you truly have a gut feeling about something, you should listen to it. She is not an expert, but I think she was right on that issue.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'd like to point out that for one, she put pressure on you to decide whether or not this was a relationship, you don't actually sound as if you were that keen, and before that, you were also sleeping around. Have you thought that maybe that initial behaviour from the both of you set the precedent for what's acceptable in your relationship in her eyes?

I agree with Dezface - I honestly don't think that she can talk you into trusting her. I think all you can do is have a conversation about your expectations and exclusivity and let go of any misunderstanding that there may have been up til now. As many other people have said, trust is so important to an LDR, particularly if you're going to be apart for very long periods at a time. And to be completely honest, by sleeping with each other and also sleeping around, neither of you exactly set an atmosphere of trust. You have to try and talk through that now.

[warlord]

I had an ex that told me he quit smoking for a year. I had thought I saw signs of this and that for months. I swore I smelled smoke at times. It took me a full year of thinking I was half going nuts before he stopped denying it when I walked in on him with a cigarette in his mouth. I know this is not the same thing but the point is he LIED and if you think she is lying to you................ask her.

Red flags are good to make you take notice, you seem to have more than enough to have a right to ask her what is going on. If she is still seeing some other guy because you too never confirmed that it is one thing, but for her to lie to you and make up excuses that is another.

Lying destroys all trust and without trust in a LDR, you are done. Ask her whether you too are exclusive and if you are then keep your eyes open for more signs. If you continue to see them to the point that is truly upsetting you then ask her about her sudden disappearances. Beware, if she is not cheating on you, she will be offended and it could possibly cause a huge rift in your relationship. That is what you need to decide.

It is hard, there is a fine line. Do you wait and play the fool if you are being cheated on and lied to or do you confront and risk looking like you are paranoid. You need to make that decision depending on what your spidey senses tell you, just make sure to be certain. I suggest writing down the times she disappears so you can keep track of it and the reasons she tells you.

Oprah said once that if you truly have a gut feeling about something, you should listen to it. She is not an expert, but I think she was right on that issue.

Thanks. That is some good advice.

Things im definitely going to do: Talk to her and clearly define our relationship.

So i guess keeping track of the times she disappear is a good idea.... I was thinking the something but then i thought it was kind of extreme but now im thinking maybe its warranted. I wish i could give her the benefit of the doubt but some of the red flags are too extreme.

I guess my only options now is to confront her about the other guy and ask her if she is still seeing him or just ignore it and go out and find other girls until i see her. (shes planning on moving in with me in 2 long years after she graduate from school, shes getting her masters)....Not sure if sleeping with other girls will make me feel better tho.

[Dezface]

Thanks. That is some good advice.

Things im definitely going to do: Talk to her and clearly define our relationship.

So i guess keeping track of the times she disappear is a good idea.... I was thinking the something but then i thought it was kind of extreme but now im thinking maybe its warranted. I wish i could give her the benefit of the doubt but some of the red flags are too extreme.

I guess my only options now is to confront her about the other guy and ask her if she is still seeing him or just ignore it and go out and find other girls until i see her. (shes planning on moving in with me in 2 long years after she graduate from school, shes getting her masters)....Not sure if sleeping with other girls will make me feel better tho.

Do you even really like this girl? You mention wanting to sleep with others and the girl at work, etc... So why are you in a relationship? Seems that friends with benefits suited you better. I feel like the issue with her possibly seeing someone else is more about your ego than you really caring what she does.

[Chris516]

synapsis on my Relationship. Thanks in advance for all the people that took the time to read the whole thing and helping me with an answer at the end. I know its a little long but i am feeling kind of shitty right now.

We live on opposite sides of the planet. She is 22 i am 36.

Met 1.5 years ago while i was on vacation met her when i had 10 days left. We spent all 10 days together. When i came back. We kept in touch but more or less very infrequently. She ended up with a boyfriend, and i hooked up with a couple of other girls. Even though she had a boyfriend, she still kept in touch with me.

after 1.5 years, i was due to go back to the same place for vacation (3 of my best friends liver there). About 4 month before i went back, we started texting more often... one thing led to another... before i knew it we were going hot and heavy.

When i got there, i planned on being there for 26 days. We pretty much spent almost every day together.

About half way though my trip,.... i started seeing signs that she had another guy. Im pretty sure i was the priority though because she would get calls late at night and ignore them, there was a handful of times when i went out with my buddies and im pretty sure she went out with the other guy. I didn't say anything because i was not her boyfriend and i was also sleeping with other girls that i had met while out with my buddies.

She had made comments about how she "Just want to be with me" But i would often evade the question and not answer her at all because i didn't want to be committed and liked partying and hooking up with other girls.

So right before i left, things started to get really serious. She started telling me stuff like she loves me and she has never met anybody like me and she only wants to be with me. I tell her i feel the same way, but i still never officially say we are boyfriend and girlfriend.

So i come back and we are going hot and heavy still. She works long hours and have school and i have work as well...on top of which we are in a 14 hour difference time zone.

about 3 weeks ago, she kind of cornered me and asked me bluntly if we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. After some pressure i said Yes we are (i do care about her a lot).

So now that we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend... her having another guy is no longer cool.

She is very loving, telling me how much she loves me and misses me on a daily basis. But because she has long work hours, i find im not trusting her. I keep thinking she is lying about her work hours and is still seeing that other guy.

So my question is this, should i confront her about this other guy? I mean, its possible that ended and that was when she bluntly asked if we were together. Is it worth to ask? I mean, its going to be another 11 month till she comes to visit me.... If she lies.... no way i will know. So lost not sure what to do. If we were not committed, i wouldn't care but we are supposedly boyfriend girlfriend now.. There is a cute girl at work that is interested in me that i would totally go for if i was not committed. Should i confront her? And if i did, would that really make a difference/help?

It sounds like you are with a 'player'. She also doesn't sound sincere. I am not saying this blindly. I have been in your position before. It wasn't where an ex was dating someone while with me(even though that happened in high school). It sounds like she is not being genuine.

[Safihre]

Do you even really like this girl? You mention wanting to sleep with others and the girl at work, etc... So why are you in a relationship? Seems that friends with benefits suited you better. I feel like the issue with her possibly seeing someone else is more about your ego than you really caring what she does.

+1 to that. Do you really want this?
Of course ask her first what's going on, but don't cling to something that is just not right for you at this time in your life!

[LadyDaemon]

Do you even really like this girl? You mention wanting to sleep with others and the girl at work, etc... So why are you in a relationship? Seems that friends with benefits suited you better. I feel like the issue with her possibly seeing someone else is more about your ego than you really caring what she does.

All.Of.This.

[warlord]

All.Of.This.

I do love her... and i would settle down with her no problem. Its just that i don't want to be the fool. Its because i love her that if she would rather have an open relationship until we meet... i am willing to do that. Usually i would be done with the girl if she wants that.

I just need to know. As much as i would not want an open relationship with her, if that's what she wants, then i might as well see what other options i have too. If she has another guy, and is keeping her options open, i would like to do the same thing. I feel like a fool if im faithful and she is not.

If i really didn't care/love her, i would of left a long time ago.