My SO has gained a bit of weight...

[Hollandia]

Can you be anymore condescending?

Your examples don't correlate with the SO's issue. Being disfigured, goin bald and gaining weight after pregnancy are not things you have control over. Hormones, other people's decisions and generics play a role in those scenarios. Then your SO cant possibly be at fault. But I've seen people leave partners that have suddenly become paralysed or disfigured all the same.

People are shitty and the world isn't all about "life partners" and rainbows. Would I leave my partner when he looses his attractiveness? Funny you should ask. My partner wasn't originally someone is be attracted
too. He's skinny, kind of scrawny and looks like a geek BUT I fell in love with him and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. So no. I wouldn't. I love him.

BUT I can separate my feelings and what I believe true within myself and my relationship from what the OP is asking.

Sorry if you don't like my writing style but it is what it is. Yours has tones in it plenty of times too, I just don't get snippy about it.

She brought up attractiveness and I made several other examples of how a partner can lose that besides weight. It is pretty easy to connect the dots and realize that if you read my post without an attitude. I don't think it really matters or not whether the SO is to blame for his weight gain. She is afraid to lose an attraction to him over weight. That is a physical thing. The other examples were as well. I brought them up so that she could soul search and make that decision if they are deal breakers for her and if him never losing that weight or gaining more is.

Your feelings and my feelings are not what matter, I asked the OP how they would feel if any of these other situations happened. She needs to decide if he does become less atrractive to her if she wants to be with him.

[Malaga]

How tangible is this though? It could very easily go the other way. This statement seems like blind optimism to me. As you said, it is definitely hard to predict how we may react to any changes in our partner.

Exactly. I just meant to say it's important to keep an open mind. Your own idea of attractive might easily change as your partner changes, or it might not. But setting the standards in advance in the way that implies "if you gain weight I'm not going to find you attractive" is pretty much emotional blackmail. It's not even a fact because you can't really predict how you'll react to a change until it happens. (And then of course, if you can't accept something, then you can't accept it and that's the end of it, be it shallow or not.)

I do think that changes for the worse (like gaining a lot in a short time, or risking your health) are indicative of an underlying problem, a lifestyle change or a health issue which should be addressed. These changes often happen without the person being even aware of them, they don't even notice how much weight they've gained for example as they're too caught up in the issue that caused it. For example, comfort eating under stress. Telling them "umm you're fat, can you sort it out please?" only adds more stress and perpetuates the problem. Why not instead help them relieve the initial stress or find other ways to cope?

I think the best way to go is to help your SO target the root of the problem and then the symptoms will get sorted too. (It of course depends on their attitude.) Someone said once that being fat and being ginger are the last two acceptable shaming points in our society. Most people understand today that you can't beat anorexia by telling the person they're too skinny and to go eat a burger. But I think it goes the other way too.

[LadyDaemon]

Exactly. I just meant to say it's important to keep an open mind. Your own idea of attractive might easily change as your partner changes, or it might not. But setting the standards in advance in the way that implies "if you gain weight I'm not going to find you attractive" is pretty much emotional blackmail. It's not even a fact because you can't really predict how you'll react to a change until it happens. (And then of course, if you can't accept something, then you can't accept it and that's the end of it, be it shallow or not.)

I do think that changes for the worse (like gaining a lot in a short time, or risking your health) are indicative of an underlying problem, a lifestyle change or a health issue which should be addressed. These changes often happen without the person being even aware of them, they don't even notice how much weight they've gained for example as they're too caught up in the issue that caused it. For example, comfort eating under stress. Telling them "umm you're fat, can you sort it out please?" only adds more stress and perpetuates the problem. Why not instead help them relieve the initial stress or find other ways to cope?

I think the best way to go is to help your SO target the root of the problem and then the symptoms will get sorted too. (It of course depends on their attitude.) Someone said once that being fat and being ginger are the last two acceptable shaming points in our society. Most people understand today that you can't beat anorexia by telling the person they're too skinny and to go eat a burger. But I think it goes the other way too.

This 10000000x over.

[abc123]

I guess my take on this is a little different from most others. If he has gained 50 lbs he is now most likely overweight or even obese which comes with health issues. I'm sure the OP loves her SO for mor than just his looks, but a major physical change does affect attraction, if not love. Without knowing more about your SO it's hard to give specific advice, but maybe just encourage him to be active together? Hope everything works out for you guys

[kittyo9]

If he has gained 50 lbs he is now most likely overweight or even obese which comes with health issues. I'm sure the OP loves her SO for mor than just his looks, but a major physical change does affect attraction, if not love. Without knowing more about your SO it's hard to give specific advice, but maybe just encourage him to be active together? Hope everything works out for you guys

Not to be picky, but being overweight or obese in and of itself does not mean that you have health issues or that you will develop health issues. The sudden weight gain, however, is likely a result of some change in life (which OP attributes to change in activity based on job, which is possible), and encouraging her SO to be more active may or may not address whatever change that may have been.

So I guess my initial post can be summed up as what Malaga said: "Telling them "umm you're fat, can you sort it out please?" only adds more stress and perpetuates the problem." We will all undergo weight changes and body changes over time. Making someone feel guilty or ashamed of their body or the changes their body is undergoing is not the way to help them deal with their situation. Positive and supportive encouragement to address the cause (and not the symptom) is far more effective.

[Tooki]

Exactly. I just meant to say it's important to keep an open mind. Your own idea of attractive might easily change as your partner changes, or it might not. But setting the standards in advance in the way that implies "if you gain weight I'm not going to find you attractive" is pretty much emotional blackmail. It's not even a fact because you can't really predict how you'll react to a change until it happens. (And then of course, if you can't accept something, then you can't accept it and that's the end of it, be it shallow or not.)

Oh definitely. I just find that statements in the realm of "I will love my SO no matter what" are way too optimistic to be tangible. It's perfectly acceptable to be open minded and not focused on a particular image of your SO but we are all attracted and unattracted to traits.

(If anybody has been in a situation where their SO has been subject to an extreme change, please let me know)

Not to be picky, but being overweight or obese in and of itself does not mean that you have health issues or that you will develop health issues. The sudden weight gain, however, is likely a result of some change in life (which OP attributes to change in activity based on job, which is possible), and encouraging her SO to be more active may or may not address whatever change that may have been.

It's important to know the amount of time that can be attributed to the OP's partner's weight gain though. If it is indeed very short like the OP has implied, it isn't that possible to gain that much weight from changing the nature of the job (it's more believable perhaps if the OP was previously in a very physically active industry, but that is also unknown).

Obesity is definitely a cause of health issues as well.

[garnet]

Oh definitely. I just find that statements in the realm of "I will love my SO no matter what" are way too optimistic to be tangible. It's perfectly acceptable to be open minded and not focused on a particular image of your SO but we are all attracted and unattracted to traits.

(If anybody has been in a situation where their SO has been subject to an extreme change, please let me know)

I'm sort of half here on this thread, but I noticed this and I thought I'd throw in that my SO has gained over 200 pounds. His health is at serious risk, so that is a very big problem. (We are working on losing together. I got him 3 months of weight watchers online, and a home scale to help support him. I'm also on his ass constantly because I am NOT going to lose him!) But if it WASN'T a health issue, I couldn't care less. I don't know if I fell too deeply in love to let a physical change, even this drastic bother me, or what the deal is. I just know that health aside, I don't care. He is still him. Same good heart. Same loving man.

He has had so many health issues stem from the gain, that I've had to sit and think about how I would feel if x, y, or z happened. I am PRETTY sure there is nothing physically that could change my feelings. I can't know for sure of course.

I'm probably the odd one out, but just thought I'd share my deal, to answer you, Tooki.

[Brieasaurus]

My SO gained about 40 pounds after blowing out his knee and getting surgery. He's always been super athletic which was originally my main turn on with him considering I'm the same way and after I stood back and realized how chunky he had gotten, I didn't feel as attracted to him.

It's a horrible feeling. What makes it even worse is having people call you shallow or selfish- you're not. Others on here agree that attraction is a key part in a relationship. That being said, going about it all depends on your SO. The girls (and Tooki :P) all offered great advice.

One of the things that I would do with my SO is tease him about "kicking his butt" when we were together and doing something fit (ice skating, running- things we never actually did lol). That fueled him a bit. Sometimes I'd send him like little YouTube workout videos and be like "let's try this!" but he wasn't a fan. Gradually, he started working out on his own, especially once his knee felt a lot better. Sometimes it just takes that look in the mirror one day for someone to notice amd want to change. Have you suggested him biking to work? Or bringing a yoga ball to sit on at the office (sounds strange but a lot of schools do that to help promote exercise while sitting)? There are some sitting down exercises that you can do pretty discretely too. Do you think he's hiding his diet from you at all? I know that sometimes when I'm working everyone wants to order out everyday and it's hard saying no and opening up a lunchbag. Anyways, I do hope you two figure something out. If you need to talk, I'm a PM away!

Oh! And I forgot to say that after finally seeing each other after this whole deal, I did fall in love with his little belly. Definitely better to cuddle than abs haha.

[twinkle22]

I haven't read every reply on this thread but just wanted to give my 2 cents! For some people when you fall for someone, physical attraction has a lot to do with it - it did for me anyway! I love my SO but one of the first things that got my interest was how handsome he is bla bla bla and then from then we got the connection we have!

If he put on 50 lbs I wouldn't like it... I am sorry if that sounds shallow. I certainly wouldn't dump him right away but I would at least be completely honest and tell him it bothers me... and I would want him to do the same! My Mum for example, is 4 times the size she was when my Dad married her and I actually don't think it's fair on my Dad to expect him to be the exact same with her nowadays! He was attracted to slim women and she is nowhere near that anymore! I would always actively aim to not gain a lot of weight and when I put on a couple of lbs I am conscious to lose them because I still want my SO to look at me like he did the first time we met!

So I can understand this concerning you and health aside you have to be attracted, want to have sex etc etc for a relationship to survive! All this "beauty is on the inside, love them for who they are" is great and all and I wouldn't stop loving my SO if he gained a bunch of weight but I would not be as attracted to him & it would bother me! You need to tell him it bothers you and that you'll give him all the support he needs but he's gotta shift those love handles

Sorry it what I have said offends anyone... just being completely honest!

[Jess!]

for me all of this sounds as those high school american tv shows when someone as a crush on X but wants him/her to loose weight because that is not cool. One thing is loose the attraction on something it's not there, other this is stop loving that person.

would you change for someone in order for them to like you more? (admiting that would be possible?) I wouldn't...

PS: about the ''american tv shows'': they are pretty much all the Tv shows I know (my country does not have ones), so this is not something offensive, just a pop-culture reference of something I know...

[TooFarAway]

Me and my SO talked about this xD
He said that he would be less attracted to me LOL
But he wouldn't love me any less ;3