how often do you communicate

[OperaDiva]

True, but you also cannot constantly have serious talks either. I get the feeling this is what has been happening.

This is not the feeling I got when I read the original post or the follow-ups, but I might be wrong. What I said, and what I think you misunderstood, was that a relationship can have downs in which case you need a person that you can rely on. Life is not always fun and games and "enjoying time together" for me cannot sustain a relationship on its own. You need mutual care, trust and respect, in addition to love.

If all you do is want to dredge up your insecurities and dissect every word or action, you are going to cause the other person to pull away.

I agree with this in general, but if you have a problem and the other person is not communicating, then it is a very different picture.

If he is not available for anything but that, that would be a red flag

^^ that is the understanding I got, maybe without the anything part.

[Hollandia]

This is not the feeling I got when I read the original post or the follow-ups, but I might be wrong. What I said, and what I think you misunderstood, was that a relationship can have downs in which case you need a person that you can rely on. Life is not always fun and games and "enjoying time together" for me cannot sustain a relationship on its own. You need mutual care, trust and respect, in addition to love.


I agree with this in general, but if you have a problem and the other person is not communicating, then it is a very different picture.



^^ that is the understanding I got, maybe without the anything part.

I am going off of her previous thread she made about her relationship where she mentioned some serious talks that they had. I think with this being said, in the OP's example, the lighter side is her best route to take at this time. We both agree that those talks are needed at times but again according to her other thread and what she said in this one, she has been dwelling on the serious side and so he is pulling back.

I think what he might be doing is tolerating the barrage of negative discussions and/or tuning her out. When she is in a good mood the sex talks happens and so why not expect him to be more into the conversation? My SO would do the same thing and so would I if this is the case. I know enough other stuff in life that stresses me out and your SO should not be adding to it just because of they are not happy with the restrictions of the LDR. You have to be able to tolerate the woes of our limitations. If I were to tell my SO how miserable I am every other week or him me because of the distance it would get annoying.

I think that since he is coming to see her, I would keep the LDR to the light stuff and if you need another big serious conversation about your feelings do it in person. Once you have an understanding of what you both expect then you can make the compromises to get to a point where you are both happy. Then get back again to enjoying each other try not to really bring down the other person when you are in a funk. They are not married, registered partners or engaged, they are dating. If you date someone that brings you down all the time, you are likely not to end up wanting that person to be ever be your lifelong partner.

[OperaDiva]

OK, I agree that serious discussion is best left in person. And that if somebody brings you down all the time it is not a good thing. However, I am still not convinced that "keeping it light" is the best course in this situation. If I have a problem and my partner ignores me when I try to talk about it, then I am definitely not going to talk "dirty" just to keep him engaged. Maybe a cool-off until they meet, some thinking on the side of the OP on what she wants from her life and this relationship, then a discussion when they meet.
I read the previous thread after you mentioned it and from what I saw, there is definitely a communication issue. Whether or not they had serious talks, there is a breakdown in communication from where I sit and it needs to be addressed.

They are not married, registered partners or engaged, they are dating.

I definitely do not agree that this is a reason to not communicate a problem or a genuine discomfort with the relationship.

[snow]

OK, I agree that serious discussion is best left in person. And that if somebody brings you down all the time it is not a good thing. However, I am still not convinced that "keeping it light" is the best course in this situation. If I have a problem and my partner ignores me when I try to talk about it, then I am definitely not going to talk "dirty" just to keep him engaged. Maybe a cool-off until they meet, some thinking on the side of the OP on what she wants from her life and this relationship, then a discussion when they meet.
I read the previous thread after you mentioned it and from what I saw, there is definitely a communication issue. Whether or not they had serious talks, there is a breakdown in communication from where I sit and it needs to be addressed.



I definitely do not agree that this is a reason to not communicate a problem or a genuine discomfort with the relationship.

She never said that he's ignoring problems and doesn't want to talk about it.
I agree with Hollandia here, I think after having a series of serious talks and both wanting to go on, he might just want to get in a light happy mood to talk to her and enjoy their time.
It's on you, Hkh8871, if you want to reply to those dirtier texts if you're unsure he's for real, but I think he knows he made mistakes and wants to be with you in person to make up for it.

[OperaDiva]

She never said that he's ignoring problems and doesn't want to talk about it.
I agree with Hollandia here, I think after having a series of serious talks and both wanting to go on, he might just want to get in a light happy mood to talk to her and enjoy their time.
It's on you, Hkh8871, if you want to reply to those dirtier texts if you're unsure he's for real, but I think he knows he made mistakes and wants to be with you in person to make up for it.

Well, I thought it was implied, since the first post said they only exchange 1 text per day and then she said he would reply within the second if the text was sexy.

[silvermoonfairy3]

M and I have been talking via Skype, IM, or phone every day for awhile.. it's rare that we don't make that time. If we can't, there's usually an email, or a couple texts.

However, he's heading into the final 2 months of his PhD, and I rather expect that our time is going to get cut down significantly. It's one of those normal ebbs and flows due to circumstances.

Yours could be like that, or it could be a deeper issue. If you're resenting things from the past/not over them, my guess is that it's a deeper issue. And if that resentment is coming out in the conversations somehow, maybe not that you bring it up but it just puts you in a more grouchy mood toward him or something, it could be affecting you guys' ability to have fun, good conversation and feel more like a chore. Think about it, if you know that every time you talk to someone, you're either going to get asked about something from the past/questioned about your behavior, or be picking up on tense/unhappy vibes from the other person, are you going to be eager to keep running to those conversations? Probably not.

I think you need to take stock of whether or not the issues from the past are major dealbreakers that you can't get past.. if they aren't, then it's time to figure out how to let them go.

Good luck!

[Lovebee]

My So doesn't make as much of an effort to message me when it's almost time for a visit. I think he takes the view that we'll see each other soon and we can talk then. Plus he's often busy trying to get as much work done as possible to compensate for the time off that inevitably happens when we see each other.

But some dirty messages? Of course that gets his undivided attention - he's miles away and it's been a long time since we saw each other. I'm not surprised at all that you get his attention with those.

Serious conversations tend to be better had in person, if at all possible. If it were me, I would try to keep the lead-up to the visit as positive as possible and wait for the serious talks to be had in person, once we'd had a bit of a happy reunion and hopefully remembered why we were doing this whole thing in the first place.

Distance is tough and puts straight on the relationship because sometimes circumstances mean you can't communicate as often as you'd like, and that puts a strain on the communication that you do have. You might need to be a little more forgiving, and a little patient. If you guys can figure it out when he visits (and I would put sex as a good way to be part of the figuring out process, personally), all the better. If it's still a strain when you're together, maybe it's a sign that you need to rethink the relationship.

Good luck. x

[Hkh8871]

alright so this is still just getting more confusing. he has contacted me 1 time to just "talk" (via txt) where we exchanged maybe 4 texts in a time span of 4 hours and when he didn't say anything to keep the conversation going I stopped too. we have exchanged a few "hope you have a good day text" but other than that NOTHING. he is coming to visit me in 1 week and i'm afraid it is going to be awkward!!!! especially after our fighting before i left. he also changed his facebook profile picture from one of himself to one of us two the last time he visited- but we have barely communicated!! it's just so confusing for me because i've been backing off HUGELY and not texting him first and just giving him as much space as possible and yes he did text me 1 time and changed his profile picture and stuff but it's just...so confusing that we barely speak...does anyone have any insight?

[80anthea]

We have a 5hr time difference and due to our work hours we can't skype or even phone everyday as there just isn't a suitable time. On the days we don't get to talk we probably send 10 or so messages/emails but neither of us are the sort of people who need constant communication to feel secure, if he doesn't reply immediately I know he's working or busy. Then there are other days, usually a Sunday where we'll speak constantly for a few hours. Every relationship is different.

[Fretboard_Magic]

My girlfriend and I almost always talk everyday and night despite our 6-hour time difference. I have weird and/or flexible work hours so I wake up with her and IM chat via Skype still half asleep in the mornings on weekdays when she has to go to school. We both have iPhones so chatting while away from home is also a doable thing for us. We've chatted while she was at school, or while I was working out in the not-so-nearby gym.

But really the key isn't how often you communicate, but how WELL you communicate in my opinion. My SO and I talk often just because we like to, but we also make it a point to communicate WELL. We frequently have deep, heart-to-heart talks and make sure both of us are on the same page. But we also talk about random nothings and have a good laugh all the time, too. The bottom-line is that both parties need to be happy to be communicating with each other, and be open to each other about their feelings. That's what I think.

[lovefrom2800milesaway]

My SO and I are ALWAYS Skyping.
I don't work that often, so when I'm not at work or school, I'm probably at home sitting on my computer and waiting for my SO.
He goes to school and works almost every day, but when he's not at work, or on his days off, we're Skyping.
I don't have much time to go out because of my studies and he really isn't into going out so we're Skyping almost 10+ hours a day.
We're very fortunate; most LDR couples only get to Skype now and then.
I'm also fortunate to have long distance texting so we're texting alllllll day.

[temporaryuser]

we went from talking on the phone daily for hours, to now maybe once a week for 10-20 minutes since he has been in school. he simply doesnt have the time. He is currently taking 19 hours in a masters program, working ft as a firefighter/paramedic and working pt as a cop. Does it suck? Immensely. have his feelings changed? No

[alizee]

We talk for 4-5 times a week for 10-30 minutes/ call and some texts from time to time.

[Hkh8871]

So to ask for more advice- he arrived yesterday to visit me and things were good. we haven't really had a chance to have a talk but i feel like i just want to have some fun and bring happiness and mutual enjoyment back to us before we talk. the only thing is...and i know this is a big NO NO but he logged into his Facebook on my computer and didn't log off...well when i wanted to log in it automatically went to his site and i really tried not to look but curiosity got the best of me and i just casually glanced at the first conversation with his best friend...well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares...to which my boyfriend replied i don't want to text her while her boyfriend is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies "next time you should say 'you guys should get back together'" and his friend responds with "will do" and then the conversation just went a different way!! i'm so confused right now!! this is a girl he dated for 3 years in college and was supposedly awful too and then he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn't work...i thought he moved past her but obviously not.....and another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with "aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city" to which his friend replies with "ohhh ok"..................this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke but it makes me wonder what the hell he is doing here.......why would someone be in a relationship when they really just want their ex? or other girls? as a disclaimer- i really wasn't trying to snoop! i leave all his things alone all the time even if i have the perfect opportunity to look through things (i used to be a big snooper but have made a point to not do it in this relationship) but this seems to just have fallen into my lap and now i'm at a loss. i don't know how to react towards him but he has been being affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me...its so confusing!!

[mellif]

Hmm... It seems to me he's secretly unhappy with the relationship, as much as I hate to say it. From reading the thread, it seems that continuous serious discussions was an issue in the past, but this kind of thing should be figured out. I'd ask him flat out-- "Hey babe, are you happy with our relationship?" That question will give him the opportunity to talk about it, or decide to avoid it. If he avoids it, look out for other signs that could lead to a conversation on how to improve your guys' communication. Good luck!