how often do you communicate

[Hollandia]

So to ask for more advice- he arrived yesterday to visit me and things were good. we haven't really had a chance to have a talk but i feel like i just want to have some fun and bring happiness and mutual enjoyment back to us before we talk. the only thing is...and i know this is a big NO NO but he logged into his Facebook on my computer and didn't log off...well when i wanted to log in it automatically went to his site and i really tried not to look but curiosity got the best of me and i just casually glanced at the first conversation with his best friend...well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares...to which my boyfriend replied i don't want to text her while her boyfriend is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies "next time you should say 'you guys should get back together'" and his friend responds with "will do" and then the conversation just went a different way!! i'm so confused right now!! this is a girl he dated for 3 years in college and was supposedly awful too and then he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn't work...i thought he moved past her but obviously not.....and another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with "aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city" to which his friend replies with "ohhh ok"..................this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke but it makes me wonder what the hell he is doing here.......why would someone be in a relationship when they really just want their ex? or other girls? as a disclaimer- i really wasn't trying to snoop! i leave all his things alone all the time even if i have the perfect opportunity to look through things (i used to be a big snooper but have made a point to not do it in this relationship) but this seems to just have fallen into my lap and now i'm at a loss. i don't know how to react towards him but he has been being affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me...its so confusing!!

I hate to say this but from this it sounds like he is settling for you until he can find someone he wants more. Why? I don't know, but I would almost guarantee this is not the man for you to grow old with. You are like his comfortable pair of old shoes and he is hankering for some spiffy new ones. He is playing the role of dutiful BF but any chance he gets he will probably take to get out. I don't think he wants to cheat on you, I think he wants a replacement. I think it would be best to tell him you know what he said and call him on it, if the break up is coming you want it soon rather than later, so you can find someone who will be devoted to you and not use you as a stepping stone.

[Hkh8871]

I agree with you all. These comments he made were in mid october and i just saw them niw. it has not left my mind but his behavior is throwing me for a loop. He is so affectionate and when he thinks im sleeping hell kiss me on my cheek amd stroke my hair and hell just be so sweeet where i think...why? He even talks about the future amd the next time we will see each other and what we will do......it makes leaving him so much harder

[Fretboard_Magic]

So to ask for more advice- he arrived yesterday to visit me and things were good. we haven't really had a chance to have a talk but i feel like i just want to have some fun and bring happiness and mutual enjoyment back to us before we talk. the only thing is...and i know this is a big NO NO but he logged into his Facebook on my computer and didn't log off...well when i wanted to log in it automatically went to his site and i really tried not to look but curiosity got the best of me and i just casually glanced at the first conversation with his best friend...well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares...to which my boyfriend replied i don't want to text her while her boyfriend is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies "next time you should say 'you guys should get back together'" and his friend responds with "will do" and then the conversation just went a different way!! i'm so confused right now!! this is a girl he dated for 3 years in college and was supposedly awful too and then he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn't work...i thought he moved past her but obviously not.....and another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with "aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city" to which his friend replies with "ohhh ok"..................this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke but it makes me wonder what the hell he is doing here.......why would someone be in a relationship when they really just want their ex? or other girls? as a disclaimer- i really wasn't trying to snoop! i leave all his things alone all the time even if i have the perfect opportunity to look through things (i used to be a big snooper but have made a point to not do it in this relationship) but this seems to just have fallen into my lap and now i'm at a loss. i don't know how to react towards him but he has been being affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me...its so confusing!!

Am I the only one who thinks you're jumping to a conclusion without really understanding the actual situation? I mean, I read your post and I can't really tell from the portion of the conversation between your boyfriend and his friend that there was actually anything that indicated he was interested in some other girl. The "you should say 'you guys should get back together'" thing could mean ANYTHING. For that matter, he could've said that as a means to taunt his ex in some way. If he was hurt by this girl, then there's a possibility of his still being traumatized by the experience. In which case his comment may have been more of a sarcasm than anything else.

The whole thing about those girls "x, y, z" ditto. The only thing you could gather from the message was that he told his friend to bring girls. You don't know why yet. That's what you should probably find out if you're really bothered by the whole situation. You should look into the REASONS. Maybe this whole thing is totally harmless, there's always that possibility, too. I know I'm essentially playing the devil's advocate here, but what seems a bit strange is that, if he really WAS being unfaithful, then why would he be so sloppy at "covering his tracks"? He used YOUR computer, and he didn't even bother to log off his facebook. If he had something to hide, then I don't think he'd be so careless... But that's just me. *shrugs*

[Hkh8871]

Yes but why would he care then if i knew the girls or not? Thats what worries me

[OperaDiva]

Talk to him. All this fretting and obsessing is not going to solve your problems. I agree with what Hollandia said above. What I think you should do is you should start focusing on yourself, healing from this and moving on with your life. Don't make someone a priority if they only keep you as an option!

[differentcountries]

Hie,

maybe he is busy? Me and my SO texts 1-3 times a day, sometimes just to organize Skype, sometimes it is a cute one. Skype usually once a day for about 2 hours, or a phone call if skyping is impossible. I HAVE to at least talk to him 15 minutes a day, that is a minimum. One day when he worked a lot we did not do that, and it was horrible for both of us, and we promised to not do that again. also, I find that Facebook works best just for short messages, not to have a conversation. It is ok with friends, but with this new love it is so important to have the voice or the face and body language or both, even if we write half the time on skype. It makes me feel close to him, like he is there with me. We are almost the same time zone, only 1 hour difference.

It might be that he is premaring stuff for the visit, maybe working more or getting stuff for the travel. Since he texts you, you are still in contact and I agree that he probably wants to see you, not just have sex. Can you text him that you miss talking/skyping and when would he have the time to do that? Generally people like to be missed. Since you have been fighting he might be afraid that you will do that on skype. My experience is that fighting gets worse without voice/see each other's face, so then just writing could be bad. It might be a good idea to talk through your expectations of the trip, like what will you do together and when.

[BeeDubby]

Yes but why would he care then if i knew the girls or not? Thats what worries me

That makes me think he's wanting to muck around a bit. Everything else I read about your situation could mean ANYTHING. But that one particular thing is majorly suspicious and should be confronted... Unfortunately the only way to bring it up is to admit you snooped, which will anger him and possibly start a potential break up conversation... But hey, you're unhappy with how things are now so if the conversation goes badly then you can't fall too much further down... If I were in your shoes I'd confront him... Sounds like you two aren't absolutely sure about each others feelings at the moment so you have nothing to lose. You deserve to feel happy in a relationship. Also, it's so weird for a LDR to have so little communication. My SO and I skype daily usually for over 6 hours. sometimes twice a day. When we're not skyping we're texting... Communication is key in a LDR situation.

[mikesgal2013]

My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for almost a month. The first 2 weeks, we would text all day especially after he gets off work. Lately, I only get 3 to 5 texts from him a day. He said I am not receiving some of his text messages. Well, I'm not sure if he is getting all of my messages. He says he isn't mad at me and still misses me and loves me. I'm trying to get him to email me or instant message or skype or something other than text. But he is not responding to a my emails. Neither on the ste where we met nor his personal email. I'm trying not to worry about it too much but I seriously miss him and our talks. I tried to tell him that but don't know if he got the message. He is a busy guy and I understand that. We're 1.5 hours away so the time is the same. What should I do. Should I be worried or not?

[Fretboard_Magic]

Yes but why would he care then if i knew the girls or not? Thats what worries me

Well, like I said, it could be ANYTHING. I mean, why SHOULDN'T he care whether or not you knew the girls, IF, for instance, he was actually planning something in the near future that involved YOU, too? I mean, you said the girls were "x, y, and z". Three girls, right? As in these are the only girls you know in your city? Or maybe his? But what if he's doing whatever he's doing to EXPAND on that? As in, maybe he's trying to make your social circle bigger?

Or, maybe he's trying to cheat. Unfortunately, I couldn't tell you just from reading your posts. But if I were you, I wouldn't jump to any conclusion without actually talking to him first.

[delightful]

I am really spoilt rotten. We text basically all day, everyday, and make time for a call every night. As well as our date night on Friday.

[Laural007]

Our communicating skills have turned to poo. We used to text all day every day. I'm now lucky if he has time around 7:30 my time for an hour or so. Phone calls are rare and few but he does call and leave me a message every morning so I have something to wake up to. It's the lack of communication that is making me feel like he is trying to ween me off from him and in turn it's making me put up very huge walls.

[Mairja]

My SO and I have a Skype call going pretty much 24/7, even when asleep/afk. We talk on Skype every day unless I have one of my bad headaches which makes me super sensitive to sound and putting the headset on is something I can't face - then we just type instead. We talk about anything and everything, and every so often we don't even talk at all, we can sit there being comfortable in silence together. I just like knowing that he's there...

[Hkh8871]

So just in case anyone was wondering- I wanted to update a bit on how my LDR is. He just left back to America today after a week together- it was not perfect but it was nice and fun and I think exactly what we needed to get back on track and find our ways back to each other. I mean there was definitely a bit of distance but I think that it's probably for the best- mainly on my part because he was becoming too much of my "whole life" instead of a part of my life that is making me happy- which i guess was a source of one of the problems. He did admit to me that he before we were "officially" together had kissed another girl and even slept with her but after he had had sex with me for the first time he didn't have sex with anyone and that after we were "officially" together that nothing ever happened- so I was a bit upset but in the end he didn't "break any rules". When he left this morning I cried like I usually do and he wiped away my tears and held me and kissed me and said that its only 6 weeks til we see each other and that he had fun with me here. It'll get easier with time I know but the first few days of being apart are always difficult. I'm hoping our communication will get better now that we both have let go of a lot of resentment and are happier to be in this relationship together. He still hasn't said I love you, but neither have i so I guess that will come on it's own time. I'm hoping that the texts I saw were just flukes because we weren't clicking so well and he thought that I was going to break up with him...I guess I will have to take a leap of faith on that one.

[I&A]

Maybe you are overthinking. My boyfriend and I speak everyday by whatsapp, viber or skype, but we have 10 hours of difference :/ . We speak by phone maybe 2 times a day. Relax, I am sure that when he sees you again, he is going to love you more than ever.

[kria]

My boyfriend and I talk every day for at least 2 or 3 hours, if not more. We constantly have a Skype call going when we're home, regardless of if we're afk or not. We used to talk for 6-9 hours a day, but since my classes have started and he has been working more, it's been a drastic cut. It's different for us since we don't have as much talking time anymore, but it just gives us more to talk about when we do talk.