Why don't you want to marry your SO?

[bethyylovee]

So first of all, my intentions are purely for curiosity's sake and I'm just looking for some friendly responses. I don't want it to turn into a fight or have someone's feelings hurt. That being said, I've always been curious as to why someone wouldn't want to marry someone that they love. It might be mine and Stephen's religious upbringings or just my fairy tale wedding dteam, but it's a big deal to us. And now that I'm planning our wedding, I see so many people saying they don't believe in marriage. So my questions are these:

1) What about common law marriage?
2) Do you feel the government shouldn't play a role in your relationship?
3) What if something happened to your SO and you couldn't have an input or anything because you're not "family?"
4) Why isn't marriage a big deal in your relationship?

Again, I'm just curious. Not passing judgement or trying to change anyone's opinions.

[Tooki]

There's no reason for me to *not* be married to my SO.

For us, it's a case of when and not if.

[princessmaria]

For my own personal religious views, I totally agree with you. Although, I can see why people don't see marriage as a big deal or choose not to. Marriage has become such a legal thing, it hardly symbolizes what it used to. I also think the rise in divorce rates probably scares people off (it scares me) and makes marriage seem like the plague, so people avoid it as such.

What does it really mean to be married when you can end a marriage with a piece of paper nowadays? There are people who are not married who have stronger relationships than those who are married. At the end of the day I feel like, if people are compatible and are meant to work out in the end, then married or not, they will stay together for a very long time. The same applies if a couple is incompatible and not meant to be, they won't last married or not.

[MissButterfly]

I'm only 19. I'd love to get married to my SO one day. He on the other hand has said this kind of thing to his ex-girlfriend too (who cheated on him and it was just a really bad relationship in general). After we got out of the honeymoon phase with all the lovey-dovey-forever-after talk, he realized he was doing it again and got scared. He did not want to say or promise those things to me if he wasn't sure he could/would make them come true. Ever since, he doesn't like to talk too much about the far future and marriage and kids and such. I got incredibly upset over it because I felt like it would be a dealbreaker to me if he didn't want those things. But deep down I know that he's really worth it, no matter what. And since he doesn't have anything specifically against marriage etc, I believe it will happen one day when the time is right. I'm sure once we get out of college, settle down, and are still together, the matter will be different. I just really love him! So I'm kind of thankful for him pulling me off my cloud, I actually think he's right in wanting to enjoy every single day with me and not dwell on the future. Even if it might not be the most conventional thing. Nobody knows what the future will hold anyway

[Moon]

I think it's really difficult when you're so young to understand why someone wouldn't want to marry, after all that's the societal goal. For me, I've been married twice, I have no desire to go through it again, I don't like being married My child is a 25 year old adult, so the baby factory is CLOSED, so that's not in any way a factor, either. I'm at a point in my life where I've got my own stuff, and want to keep it that way, I like my routine, I want to make my own decisions and mistakes, and just don't see any compelling reason to change it. I love my guy as much as you love yours, but for me, love doesn't equal marriage, there has to be another reason, like a visa, perhaps. As for your questions:

1) What about common law marriage?
I'm not sure I understand what you're asking here, can you clarify? What about it?

2) Do you feel the government shouldn't play a role in your relationship?
What kind of role? Generally no, the less my dysfunctional government gets involved in, the better!

3) What if something happened to your SO and you couldn't have an input or anything because you're not "family?"
There are things out there, like living wills, that can define your role. Of course, that can be a problem, but it's the risk you take when you don't want to marry. It's a little easier usually once you're older and parents aren't as much in the picture, and you've been together for years and years, so siblings with common sense don't interfere so much.

4) Why isn't marriage a big deal in your relationship?
See above It's just not something I'm interested in doing again, marriage is not as easy as unmarried people think!

I almost forgot, I'm NOT the romantic, emotional type. I'm sure that's part of it too. I do things led by my head, and if they're practical, not my heart.

[RachelAnne]

I'm only 19. I'd love to get married to my SO one day. He on the other hand has said this kind of thing to his ex-girlfriend too (who cheated on him and it was just a really bad relationship in general). After we got out of the honeymoon phase with all the lovey-dovey-forever-after talk, he realized he was doing it again and got scared. He did not want to say or promise those things to me if he wasn't sure he could/would make them come true. Ever since, he doesn't like to talk too much about the far future and marriage and kids and such. I got incredibly upset over it because I felt like it would be a dealbreaker to me if he didn't want those things. But deep down I know that he's really worth it, no matter what. And since he doesn't have anything specifically against marriage etc, I believe it will happen one day when the time is right. I'm sure once we get out of college, settle down, and are still together, the matter will be different. I just really love him! So I'm kind of thankful for him pulling me off my cloud, I actually think he's right in wanting to enjoy every single day with me and not dwell on the future. Even if it might not be the most conventional thing. Nobody knows what the future will hold anyway

^^ I totally agree with this. My SO is the same way. He hates talking about the future and at first it upset me because it made me question why you would be in a serious relationship with someone if you weren't sure they could see a future with you? He's told me he's thought about the idea, but we're both scared I guess. I don't know. I'm still a long ways off from that anyway

[dizzyupthemeg]

It isn't that I don't want to marry him, but more that I don't need to marry him. Love doesn't equal marriage to me. I can be just as committed to him without us having a legal piece of paper involved. I did the marriage thing at a young age, and it was a disaster. If my SO and I ever get married, it will be because that was our only way to close the distance. It's a possibility that marriage would be the only way, but it isn't something either of us want right now. As far as the not getting to make decisions thing, I've been considered a part of his family for quite some time now. His mother/brother would at least take my opinions into account, just like I would want their opinion if we were married. It doesn't change a lot for me.

[bethyylovee]

1) What about common law marriage?
I'm not sure I understand what you're asking here, can you clarify? What about it?

Great responses, guys! And to this, I mean it in the sense that most states, I believe, have common law marriage if two partners live together for X amount of years. I could be wrong, but I do remember learning about it in a government class at some point. Common law marriages are practically the same as real marriages, I believe. So knowing that that would become from living together, why not do it on your own terms? I could be 100% wrong on what a common law marriage is, this is just my understanding.

[Moon]

Great responses, guys! And to this, I mean it in the sense that most states, I believe, have common law marriage if two partners live together for X amount of years. I could be wrong, but I do remember learning about it in a government class at some point. Common law marriages are practically the same as real marriages, I believe. So knowing that that would become from living together, why not do it on your own terms? I could be 100% wrong on what a common law marriage is, this is just my understanding.

Common law in the US is only in 9 states, and the laws vary wildly. It's something that would have to be looked into. Fortunately, I'm international, so I can't get into a marriage by mistake

[Black_Halloween]

The only reason why we're not married is because we're not financally stable.

I mostly want to get legally married because if something ever happened to one of us, id want him to take control because he's the only person who knows what my wishes would be (and vice versa). I also see marriage as a final step in a relationship.

Im not religious and in his religon there are no restriction on relationships(that i know of).

I alwayd tell people who are against marriage because if divorce rates: dont base your relationsjip on a statistic or else thats all youll ever be.

[Zapookie]

We're getting married next year as it is our only way of closing the distance. My SO and I feel ready though, having already spent a year living together CD as well as going through so much in that time has cemented our relationship.

[lucybelle]

I briefly skimmed this article. Those of you who are more interested can read better than I did. It's about why people (US citizens in general) still get married.

[Zephii]

We are married, but I wanted to answer anyway because I was never one of those girls to dream of weddings, I planned my births instead lol.

1) What about common law marriage?
In Australia common law marriage (or defacto marriage as it's known here) is really decent. Defacto partners have most of the same rights as married people, excepting for some tax stuff and that they can't receive "spousal maintenance" if the couple breaks up. (Spousal maintenance is a short term payment, like child support but to a partner when no children are involved, that happens if one person was supported by the other during the marriage and doesn't have a leg to stand on without their SO.) So for me, I considered us married and treated our relationship with the same seriousness and dedication before we married because legally there's not much of a difference. Additionally, we didn't need to be married to get a visa, so there wasn't any need for us to marry if we didn't want to and I didn't want to put needless pressure on Obi.

2) Do you feel the government shouldn't play a role in your relationship?
Not at all. I expect the government to play a role in almost every aspect of my life. I believe strongly that marriage is and should be a legal institution. Not all people who are religious are of an Abrahamic faith, so to be told that marriage belongs to the church is a slap in the face. Marriage pre-dates Christianity.

3) What if something happened to your SO and you couldn't have an input or anything because you're not "family?"
You can be legally someone's next of kin and not be their family. But that aside, yes this would be some concern to me.

4) Why isn't marriage a big deal in your relationship?
I don't see why it needs to be a big deal. I don't think people who have commitment ceremonies only and never legally marry have lesser relationships than I do, any more than I would look down on someone for having a civil ceremony with no religious aspects. Marriage wont stop you breaking up. It doesn't stop your partner from cheating on you, beating you, gambling away your house and car or any number of other things. Being married does not mean the Gods are going to step in and say "You made a promise...."

I'm glad we're married, it's very nice and some small-minded individuals treat us more seriously because we are married. But if he had of been against matrimony for whatever reason, it wouldn't change what our relationship is today. I personally feel that if you need marriage to give your relationship your all, and for you to see it as valid, worthwhile, etc, there's probably something wrong.

Interesting thread

[Dezface]

We'll get married eventually. But not right now. (Yeah, for those who read my blog, we found a way around it! wooooooot!) Why not right now? I agree with the person who said that love doesn't equal marriage for them. It doesn't for me either. I've been married. I loved him and thought it would last but it didn't. So I'm well aware that just because you want to and believe it will work, doesn't mean it will. My SO feels the same way. He's been married as well.

Marriage doesn't guarantee forever. Nothing does. But someday the SO and I will get married-largely for convenience sake. I want his last name, yada yada. But also because we view it as just a way to tell the world we love each other. We don't see it as a "need" but it's in the wants category.

[OperaDiva]

For me, personally, even before I was in a serious relationship marriage always seemed like an unnecessary formal parade or something. I don't want to put on the white dress and "perform" for an audience, when it doesn't involve singing, see my user name (sorry if it seems harsh, I don't want to offend anyone, it is just how I see the whole ritual).
On the other hand, I second the person who said they don't need marriage. It doesn't on its own define or cement a relationship and it doesn't make it any more permanent. And legally speaking, it creates just as many problems as it might seem to solve.
I actually spoke to my SO a few days ago, and he said he likes the idea of getting family and close friends together to celebrate the union of two people (whether legal or not), but not the over-the-top stuff. I'm not sure if I feel the same way, to me a relationship is personal, but a party would be great!