Why don't you want to marry your SO?

[Dezface]

It's rather insulting when people seem to think that people who get divorced are taking the easy way out. To imply that we just didn't work hard enough is very offensive.

My husband didn't love me anymore. He cheated on me. He wouldn't touch me. It got to the point where if a body part accidentally touched mine he'd physically recoil. He was not open to talking-always said the problems "weren't about me" so therefore, nothing to talk about. He'd leave to go party at nights and when I'd simply ask for a text to let me know he was alright, I wouldn't get it. I'd lay awake at night praying nothing had happened to him. Nothing had, he was just screwing around with other girls. I cried EVERY day for 2 years. I can own that I made mistakes too. But I've never felt so unloved and unwanted in my life. I was absolutely miserable. I had family calling to ask what was wrong with me. The day I walked out I got a text from a co-worker/friend saying she'd slept with him that weekend.

I can not imagine staying in that for the rest of my life. People always like to preach about "fixing it." How? How can I fix something when the other person is not open to fixing it? No, he didn't hit me. So I guess my reasons for divorce are invalid to some people. But I was broken, living a sad excuse for a life. I would like to see the people who don't believe in divorce go through this and then see what you have to say. Wait until you look your husband in the eye and ask if he still loves you and he won't give you an answer. Filing those papers was a freaking relief. Yet it was still the hardest thing I've ever done.

Divorce doesn't feel good. It feels like crap. It made me feel like I was a complete failure. Some days I still feel that way. And I really, really hope that when I marry again, we won't go down that road. I also hope the people here don't go down it. Because it's painful and I wouldn't wish that on people. But don't turn your nose up at me for making myself a happy person and choosing to not live in misery the rest of my life.

[bethyylovee]

*EDIT* Have you also experience extreme hardship with your SO? I wonder if you have experienced the hypothetical problems is all.

I'm SO glad someone asked this! This is a really big deal, you can't say divorce is not an option if you haven't gone through some real difficulties and worked through them to see how you work as a team. It's a like sports, everyone needs to be on the same page to make the play go smoothly, and when it doesn't, you pick up and move onto the next. My SO and I have been through just a few extremely trying, difficult, and almost seemingly end-all situations (No detail explanation, though, because I do believe our private lives should remain private ) However, that's not how we plan to go through life and we had to figure out the differences and how to get passed them. Before these issues arose I didn't believe in saying that divorce wasn't an option, I always figured it's there for a reason to be utilized when necessary. I see now, though, how we work together as a team and how we overcome situations and come out stronger in the end and that's when I decided if we can get through all of that, everything else is child's play.

Again, I can stress this enough...Personal opinion! I respect everyone's views equally and I love having a good, clean discussion.

[blankita719]

I didn't realize that only 9 states have common law marriage stipulations. We happen to live in one (Iowa). According to Wikipedia, these are the requirements,

We have no plans to marry, but actually according to this, I would say we would be considered "common law." We are registered as domestic partners with our workplace, our bank considers us as "married" because we needed it to be set up that way to have some certain benefits (we bank with a credit union), our families consider us as "married", and we've lived together for more than 2 years. I thought Iowa had a time limit (5 or 7 years) for how long you had to live together. But it doesn't look like it's so.

We don't plan to marry for a few reasons, some of which I won't list here as we consider it private. But the main reason is that neither of us ever planned to marry. We both, from a young age, said we would never marry and just being together and committed to one another hasn't really changed those beliefs that we had. Additionally, both sets of our parents have divorced. And finally, we're at an age now (mid 30's) where many of our friends have already married and are now getting divorced. It doesn't really give us much confidence that a piece of paper and ceremony saying we are married is necessary to have a long, happy, committed relationship.

Though, I have been thinking more and more about having a commitment ceremony of some kind, just the two of us. So, in some ways, I suppose the idea of marriage appeals to me... Very interesting thread!

Rach - I just had a conversation with a co-worker about this vs. a fully legal wedding. She is married but says if she had to do it all over, she would just have a commitment ceremony instead because "on paper" because she said that marriage was financially tough (with taxes, insurance costs), so being a single person would have more of a benefit in those areas.

I was engaged previously but felt no real rush to get married because I felt it was a piece of paper that didn't change my feelings. However, with my current SO, I want to go through with it. It's not so much about the government being involved in my relationship as it is the fact that it is much easier for a spouse to have a voice in health and financial matters. Yes, I could have him appoint me as a power of attorney, but I would feel better being his wife and not just his legal representative in case he became incapacitated. The baby train has almost left the station, so I wouldn't be doing it for that reason either. But in my mid-30's with a lot of life lessons, I feel like it's the right time and the right choice. I have no specific religious reasons for marriage, nor do I want it for convention's sake. I want it because it's a legal declaration of our choice to be with each other.

[lucybelle]

It made me feel like I was a complete failure. Some days I still feel that way.

This reminds me of a discussion we were having on my expat forum. When some expats move to CR, they don't like it and leave. They're viewed as "failures". Which isn't true. They came to experience something new, it didn't work. They learned and grew from the experience and now they've moved on.

I think the same is with divorce. You tried your best, but it wasn't a good fit. Time to cut your losses, learn from mistakes, and move on. It's not a failure, it's a life experience you learn and grow from.

[squeeker]

I used to be more into the whole fairytale wedding thing, though I have come to realize it is not so much about the marriage but about the commitment. I do want a wedding one day with my SO but I know that we already have the commitment that a married couple should have.

It makes me sad when people divorce and I hate asking why or what happened. I think while sad it is the necessary option in some cases especially when cheating or violent behavior comes into play. I don't judge though. I've had a few aunts who have been divorced, and a cousin who got divorced and a few people I know who separated, though I don't know if they are divorced or not. I don't judge, it just makes me sad that they weren't able to work out. I'm a firm believer in happy relationships and working things out but I understand when that can't be helped.

I don't think I could ever leave my SO and I believe he wouldn't leave me. Though we have already been through a lot.. He comes from a divorced parent household, his mum cheated on his dad and took him and his sisters away and didn't let them see their dad.. and so when I met my SO, I could not use the fact that "marriage meant commitment" and it was a binding contract.. because in his life he couldn't see that.. most of his aunts have been divorced too. So it's why I changed my perspective on marriage.

My SO and I will get married one day, as we both want to, we want to show the world/our families and friends that we are committed like that plus it will make our living together one day much easier.. especially being an international couple. But I don't equate marriage with commitment. Though I have gone through sort of jealousy when I saw friends who had been dating their partners either the same amount of time or less than me, getting engaged and married. But then I just remember what a great guy I have and that our relationship is unique. And also that our love for each other and commitment to each other won't change after we get married, though only with time which will happen either married or not.

[OperaDiva]

I find it interesting that a thread about marriage turned to divorce so quickly! Like squeeker said, it is not a bad choice, but it is a sad thing. Also,

You tried your best, but it wasn't a good fit. Time to cut your losses, learn from mistakes, and move on. It's not a failure, it's a life experience you learn and grow from.

^^^ this, very true and whole-heartedly agree! Whether you are religious or not and whatever your convictions are, everybody has the right to an opinion, and everybody lives their own life. What we can and should do is respect and learn from each other. Kudos to bethyylovee for keeping the tone and the peace!

[Zephii]

But, and I'm only asking out of curiosity (since it seems LFAD needs disclaimers for everything now), not arguing, or being morbid, what if he died at say, 30? Would you really never have another relationship again at such a young age? I know that's hard to think about, but you could easily live another 60 years after that, would you really do it alone? (Again, LFAD disclaimer - I don't mean to derail your thread, it's a good one, but I AM very curious at those last words, I am curious by nature and can't help it, you can ignore me if I've unintentionally offended you).

This wasn't directed at me but I wanted to answer it anyway, because we too went for the "beyond death into eternity" thing. We were handfasted with the intent that if one of us dies before the other (highly likely!) the soul of the dead person will be unable to move on until the second person dies, giving us a better chance to meet and love again in our next life.
If Obi died, yes, I would date again, and possibly re-marry. I would just forgo the part of the ceremony that ties our souls together however. It's a separate ritual for us, so that makes it fairly easy to leave out (assuming I don't love the second guy more and regret my earlier soul-commitment lol). I'd have to be content to marry in this life only.


On divorce, I'm against it for me. I don't care what other people do, but I don't want it in my life. But, you know what? That choice is only half mine. If Obi wakes up tomorrow and says "I don't love you, sign this divorce paper" there's nothing much I can do to make him stay. I consider divorce "not an option" to help me resist it, I suppose. Because I can't imagine how hard divorce would be on our international babies.
One thing I've always considered "grounds for divorce" above all else is if my partner couldn't or after marriage decided they wouldn't, have children. A child free future has never been an option for me, so in the event that my partner couldn't have kids/wouldn't do IVF/wouldn't adopt I would leave them, no matter how much I loved them.

Which brings me to this:

1) I know my SO like the back of my hand, and I can tell you honestly and truthfully that domestic violence would never be an issue for us. I know some people would say you can't say something like that, or never say never, but I know our personal situation and I know it for fact.

2) Even after death to me means even after death. We've talked about this many times. We'll have children by the time we're 30 and their company will be wonderful for 18+ years, and then I have no qualms about living on my own. My grandmother spent the last 29 years of her life without my grandfather because she just didn't believe in remarrying. I feel the same way. I have one match, and one match alone. He is the same way.

You know your SO now. What if he has a severe mental illness that can't be treated and he does become a threat to you or your kids? You really don't know for a fact, anything could happen. Head injuries can make people violent, either all of the time or in episodes, for example.

You also say you'll have kids by 30. But you can't know that. What if you can't have kids at all? Or what if it takes ten years? (Sometimes it does!) It's a great thing to be confident in your love and in your partner, I'm not dissing that, but you set yourself up for failure when you start saying "That will never happen to me/us".
I'm not trying to be picky or anything so don't take me the wrong way. It's just... you never know until you do it.

[Kanga]

Great Topic.

Just wanted to say I don't think anyone was being judgmental about people being divorced. They were just stating it wasn't for them. Which I'd prefer not to myself because I'd only get married once, but if it happens for extreme reasons so be it.

Now back to the topic.

About common law marriage, does that even really hold up? Just asking of course because I'm not completely sure how it works. I think it'd be easier to just get married and have those big life decisions in my spouses hands(because I trust he'd make the right decision) vs having to explain well we lived together for x amount of years, so I have a right to this and that.

Only reason we aren't married at the moment, is because of the we're not closed distance yet. Hopefully in the next year or so, and once that happens marriage is happening in vegas with lots of fun and partying.

[bethyylovee]

I would never divorce over a mental illness. Should he be hit in the head and become violent, we'll separate for the children's sake. However, I wouldn't divorce him, and still be in love with him.

Also, we will have children before 30 because if we can't have kids for some reason, or it's not easy, we LOVE the idea of adoption and definitely will adopt before 30.

Again, say what you want and have your own opinion, but don't try to change mine, please. Divorce just is not an option.

[Black_Halloween]

I feel like this thread has gotten derailed by everybody lecturing the OP on her personal decision. Why can't everybody just respect it and answer the questions she asked in the first place? Telling her shes wrong for her personal opinion is not only rude, its disrespectful.

[MissButterfly]

I feel like this thread has gotten derailed by everybody lecturing the OP on her personal decision. Why can't everybody just respect it and answer the questions she asked in the first place? Telling her shes wrong for her personal opinion is not only rude, its disrespectful.

After reading the whole thread I don't think anyone was lecturing the OP. If you're going to post such strong statements about your personal opinion, others have the right to question you. I think people were just genuinely curious about her (and some others') reasons behind their standpoints. I feel like people were pretty respectful, there was just an interesting debate going on. The thread got derailed from not wanting to marry to divorces, yes, but nobody told her she was wrong for believing what she does. People were saying that some members who classified divorce as 'the easy way out' were being unfair.
At least, that is how I observed and understood the thread.

[bethyylovee]

I feel like this thread has gotten derailed by everybody lecturing the OP on her personal decision. Why can't everybody just respect it and answer the questions she asked in the first place? Telling her shes wrong for her personal opinion is not only rude, its disrespectful.

It's okay. if I'm ignorant because I say divorce is off the table, so be it. We have the best teachers and mentors of a happy, long-lived, marriage in both of our parents. Both pairs of stuck it out, thick and thin, extreme hardship, and illnesses. It is possible to do, despite what some people think. That's not the point of the thread though. My intentions were purely innocent and for curiosity's sake only. I'm not sure how it went this way, but that's the fun in a clean debate.

And I'll say it one more time... Please be respectful to everyone's opinions on here. I do not want anyone getting offended or walked on. Conflicting views happen, everyone is entitled to their own.

[Ahava]

Interesting thread!

I think I can understand both views having lived and learned the hard way.
I used to live inside a box that said you only get married once and divorce wasn't an option.
I felt that I'd rather die than get divorced.

Well things didn't go quite the way I planned, but in my case, two people wrong for each other got married for the wrong reasons.
Our relationship wasn't based on friendship nor love. It was an awful period of nearly 10 years (which I don't regret btw, there are two lovely children, and it was an experience to grow from and learn from).
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger etc cliche or not. Not getting into details about what was going on, I'll just say it got to the point where I was secretly hoping he would cheat on me or something to give a valid reason for divorce. For some split seconds I even hoped he would die. That is how miserable I was!

After going through that, I can better understand people who have not been able to find any other solution (because sometimes there isn't).
But I also think that sometimes things could perhaps be fixed depending on the situation and divorce should be last solution especially if it's a good relationship where the partners respect each other.

I don't know if I will ever remarry, as a romantic thought I like the idea and still believe in marriage and commitment.
In a relationship that is based on friendship and love, mutual respect, same values etc and the partners are willing to fix things.
That could last until death do you part (and after ).

My so isn't a fan of marriage. I was a little sad at first to hear that, but then again I've already done it once, and it actually is only an earthly piece of paper that's been around some hundred years :P
Sure I'd like the proposal, the ring, the name etc, but what's more important is the commitment. Besides we are looking at 7 to 14 years of being long distance, so there's no rush...

[Tooki]

I feel like this thread has gotten derailed by everybody lecturing the OP on her personal decision. Why can't everybody just respect it and answer the questions she asked in the first place? Telling her shes wrong for her personal opinion is not only rude, its disrespectful.

I feel like it hasn't whatsoever. Some people (including myself) just want some explanations behind the perspectives of a couple of people because they're very powerful.

[lyonsgirl]

I feel like this thread has gotten derailed by everybody lecturing the OP on her personal decision. Why can't everybody just respect it and answer the questions she asked in the first place? Telling her shes wrong for her personal opinion is not only rude, its disrespectful.

Maybe I missed it because I haven't read every single post, but I didn't see anyone telling the OP she was wrong for her opinion. Sure, others have said that people who directly jump to assuming all divorces happen because the couple just "didn't try hard enough" most likely don't know the entire story, but... that's about the only thing in this thread that I have seen that could be called as someone saying anyone else is wrong. And that's not even that they're wrong, just misinformed (or in this case, probably uninformed).