Why don't you want to marry your SO?

[80anthea]

I think people who judge people who divorce are very condescending and out of touch with reality. One of the biggest issues I had before getting married was worrying about divorce. My parents are divorced, both remarried. My parents had an excellent relationship, and still have an excellent relationship. They just fell out of love. People are such dynamic creatures it's impossible to know how they will grow, change or develop as time moves on. I want my marriage to last as long as it should. And not a second longer. If that means until we're old and grey, cool. If it means only 5 years from now, cool. It is what it is. Getting out of a bad situation to make your life happier is never a cop out.

Exactly, maybe this is just me coming from an atheist perspective but I think we only have one chance at life, I don't believe in a god or an afterlife. So to me the thought of spending that one chance deeply unhappy is such a waste.

[sarahjane1992]

But you said earlier ' I only want to marry one time, divorce is off the table.' and bethylovee said 'I still maintain that divorce is not an option. That's just my personal view on the matter. There's nothing that we can not work through and over come. He will change, as will I. And we're going to welcome and embrace any of those changes in one another. I believe marriage is absolutely for better and worse, no matter what, even after death. ' which you 100% agreed with but now you don't as domestic abuse is a valid reason in your opinion?

We had a problem that we couldn't work out..... he was an abusive tw*t. Calling people 'sad' or saying they haven't tried hard enough from your idealistic fairytale tower is quite offensive whether you mean it to be or not.

I was just stating my view. No offense was implied. But you did take what I said and twisted it around.
Domestic abuse/violence is a valid reason for divorce. In my mind, the only valid reason.
Just because I disagree with you, doesn't mean I'm being judgmental.

[Moon]

Exactly, maybe this is just me coming from an atheist perspective but I think we only have one chance at life, I don't believe in a god or an afterlife. So to me the thought of spending that one chance deeply unhappy is such a waste.

Me too, and I couldn't agree more.

[sarahjane1992]

Me too, and I couldn't agree more.

Just a question, completely out of curiosity.
So because you don't believe in God/Heaven (afterlife) that would then validate divorce due to unhappiness? I completely disagree with that but I'm not passing judgement.
Just because you're unhappy with your husband doesn't mean you should just divorce him. At least in my view.
You love someone and work through your problems. That's just my opinion.

[Tooki]

Just a question, completely out of curiosity.
So because you don't believe in God/Heaven (afterlife) that would then validate divorce due to unhappiness? I completely disagree with that but I'm not passing judgement.
Just because you're unhappy with your husband doesn't mean you should just divorce him. At least in my view.
You love someone and work through your problems. That's just my opinion.

What happens if you can't work through those problems, or one or both partners fall out of love with one another?

I am really curious because do you consider that divorce due to unhappiness is improbable? I don't think that Moon is saying that one should just divorce because things aren't going well. I personally think that it's ignorant and archaic to ignore the possibility of divorce, even though nobody goes into a real relationship planning on getting a divorce.

*EDIT* Have you also experience extreme hardship with your SO? I wonder if you have experienced the hypothetical problems is all.

[Moon]

Just a question, completely out of curiosity.
So because you don't believe in God/Heaven (afterlife) that would then validate divorce due to unhappiness? I completely disagree with that but I'm not passing judgement.
Just because you're unhappy with your husband doesn't mean you should just divorce him. At least in my view.
You love someone and work through your problems. That's just my opinion.

I'm sorry, I cannot answer your question, as I'm attempting to stay out of trouble on this site. I appreciate your differing view, and I wish you much luck in the future. Perhaps you should ask your question to the person I was agreeing with, as she sounds like she'll have great insight into that for you, that's probably similar to mine. If you honestly care what I have to think about it, please feel free to pm me.

[MissButterfly]

Just a question, completely out of curiosity.
So because you don't believe in God/Heaven (afterlife) that would then validate divorce due to unhappiness? I completely disagree with that but I'm not passing judgement.
Just because you're unhappy with your husband doesn't mean you should just divorce him. At least in my view.
You love someone and work through your problems. That's just my opinion.

I think not believing in God has nothing to do with wanting to be happy in life. And people can really change in different ways, to the point where you just become so different that you fall out of love. That's actually possible, like lucybelle has shown with her example. Would you actually stay with someone for the rest of your life if you didn't love them anymore? If the situation has just changed, but there's no abuse or specific reason? I'd rather be happy in life than that I suffer through a marriage that I've become unhappy in. I personally think that that has nothing to do with the reason for it. Getting 'bored' with your husband might be a bit of an overstatement though, I don't think there are many people who take a divorce that lightly. It's still expensive and emotionally exhaustive, no matter what. So if the people who get a divorce would see an option to stay together, I'm sure they would try their hardest to make it work.
Just out of curiosity, do you think you can work through all problems, no matter what? (You as in generally, people, not as in you personally. No offence meant )

[ioanna]

This thread is an interesting read! Thanks for sharing

I share previous poster's opinion that it's the commitment that matters in my eyes and not the contract.

Marriage, as a religious and social institution, is not something you can easily bypass if you are in a long term relationship in my home country.
Cohabitation is illegal. We have committed a crime for a while
Having a child out of wedlock is the ultimate shame; especially for the child which is labeled as "bastard" on his/her ID and legal documents.

This is one of the reasons we want to get married in the traditional sense. We have been committed to one another for many years and consider our promises to one another as binding as wedding vows. If common law was applicable, we would have been considered married a long time ago.

A legal marriage would add for us the legal advantages and facilitation for everyday life, especially as we want to start a family in our home country.

Or maybe we should just move to Iowa and have our families join us there...

[80anthea]

There are degrees of unhappiness as it's such a subjective measure. I don't think anyone is saying divorce him because you're peed off that he keeps leaving the toilet seat up and it makes you a bit sad. Relationships evolve and change as you get older and life's obstacles get in the way. You start off hoping (and quite rightly so) that you'll both change in the same way, you'll cope with everything life throws at you; I don't think anyone starts a marriage thinking it will end in divorce but to completely rule out divorce when you don't know what is round the corner seems a little foolish. If you happen to both change to the degree that life together is inherently miserable, you dread them coming home, there is no sense of fun or enjoyment left, you'd rather be apart then why not separate? Of course, you try and work through it: communication, even marriage therapy but sometimes no matter how hard you want it to things don't work out. I work with children every day and using chidren as an excuse to stay together is often not in the child's best interest. Divorce handled in the correct way doesn't impact children and in fact helps them flourish as they see both parents happy and not miserable.

If someone was deeply unhappy in a relationship on here (not married yet) we'd all tell them to try and work it out and then move on. Why should having a magic piece of paper change that? Yes, you've made a commitment but so have and my SO and we're not married yet I won't act differently if/when we get the piece of paper. The advantage of the piece of paper is that it will allow us to live together. We're lucky that we live in countries that allows us to choose partners and escape them if need be. As for people who spend £1000s on the 'perfect day': something else I don't understand but that's a whole other debate!

Maybe I'm just a cynical old unromantic!

[lucybelle]

Exactly, maybe this is just me coming from an atheist perspective but I think we only have one chance at life, I don't believe in a god or an afterlife. So to me the thought of spending that one chance deeply unhappy is such a waste.

I love atheists.

The thing I'm not liking about this thread is that there seems to be an air of arrogance. If you don't believe in divorce, cool. But don't judge people who do. Don't say they're "sad" or "didn't work hard enough" or "just gave up".

[lyonsgirl]

So, just because I'm curious... if divorce is a non-option except for abusive situations... what if (gotta love all these hypotheticals) your partner is cheating on you? One time, repeatedly, multiple partners, however you define "cheating". Is that grounds for divorce?

[snow]

As a reply to MissB (I kinda like that name, hope you do too!!): I think there might be things that are too hard to work through. I'm not sure what exactly could cause me to think it's too hard, so far we have battled many things and are still together. But I know that my mom left my dad when they decided for an abortion - this was just something they both couldn't handle and they parted ways (years, years later they found back to another and got married).
I heard of friends who couldn't be with their wife/husband because of the tragic death of their child.
There's many things that can happen and if divorce was the only way out of a miserable relationship I would do it.

[oxytocinbite]

When I get married in the future whether it be with my so or not (hopefully it is) I will always know that divorce could come as an option if something horrible happened, say him cheating on me multiple times or him abusing me. I do agree however that some people get married without thinking it through and already having negative thoughts which then ends in divorce most likely. Those are times when I think people need to think, marriage is a huge step into a relationship and when you go blindly into one it is not smart.

My mother did, and I guess that is when fate comes in hand. Her marriage was horrible and she was blinded by religion but she did give birth to me and my sisters. I am not upset when people get divorced because it is part of there life and there fate but I am upset when people take marriage or any relationship lightly. Marriage is a really big commitment, any relationship is. I agree with divorce under the right circumstances but I do not agree with people that divorce because of small problems that every relationship will have. I just browsed through this, I hope what I am saying makes a lick of sense and does not offend anyone. ^-^

[bethyylovee]

Okay calm down guys. Don't let this thread get derailed or out of hand.

To answer some questions:
1) I know my SO like the back of my hand, and I can tell you honestly and truthfully that domestic violence would never be an issue for us. I know some people would say you can't say something like that, or never say never, but I know our personal situation and I know it for fact.

2) Even after death to me means even after death. We've talked about this many times. We'll have children by the time we're 30 and their company will be wonderful for 18+ years, and then I have no qualms about living on my own. My grandmother spent the last 29 years of her life without my grandfather because she just didn't believe in remarrying. I feel the same way. I have one match, and one match alone. He is the same way.

3) Divorce is not an option for us. HOWEVER, I know that in some situations it's the best decision for both parties. I have nothing bad to say about divorcees. It's just not on the table for my SO and I.

Again guys, these are just personal opinions and there's nothing anyone should say on here that should be persuading you another way. Only you and your SO know what is best in your lives and relationship, and no one can tell you otherwise.

Keep it friendly, please!

[bethyylovee]

So, just because I'm curious... if divorce is a non-option except for abusive situations... what if (gotta love all these hypotheticals) your partner is cheating on you? One time, repeatedly, multiple partners, however you define "cheating". Is that grounds for divorce?

I believe infidelity is a problem that can be solved if it's not too far out of hand. Stephen and I have had this discussion as well. God forbid either of us is unfaithful, there's obviously some reason behind it and a deeper issue that's probably resolvable. Now if it's an issue that tries to get worked out, and the partner will not stop, then I would say yes that could be divorce grounds. I think sometimes you can tell that kind of person, obviously not always, but sometimes you just know. I think this is another part of our faith that helps and keeps us grounded. You make a commitment to one person? That's who you are intimate with.