SO telling me(again), to cheat on her

[Hollandia]

Aren't they both in the USA??

[Ahava]

I am guilty of thinking of saying things like that. During the holidays I was feeling so depressed and low and thinking he could do better than me and also thinking what if me being like that (sad and depressed) gets too much for him. So I thought about saying something like go and find someone better, but luckily didn't as I wouldn't want him to. And I don't want to push him away by acting like that.

[differentcountries]

Aren't they both in the USA??

Ah, now I see it says New Mexico and not Mexico. Anyway, I wonder what makes visits hard to come by.

[Hollandia]

Ah, now I see it says New Mexico and not Mexico. Anyway, I wonder what makes visits hard to come by.

I think he mentioned reasons why back in the older threads. This is another case where there is much more to the original story. I recall a few other threads about this relationship. I am going to look them up and see if I can refresh myself on the whole scenario.

[Hollandia]

Warning this long but it is a response to all the threads about the OP's situation with his SO.

Okay, I have re-read all the old threads. So, I do have a few questions for the OP. This online friend in Canada, have you backed away from relationship at all? You asked for advice about this and were given it last year because it was causing problems for you and your SO. You stated you had told your SO you would never move to Canada because you feared losing your healthcare. This would not have been music to my ears, if I was her, this is not the reason I want to hear. How about because I love you and no one else and I would never wish to imagine being with anyone else. You also have cancelled a trip to see your OP because of your lady friend in Canada almost dying. An online friend that by definition, it matters not where you are when you contact her. You could have IMed her right from the comfort of your SO's couch just as easily as your own. You have "owned" this, but it does not justify doing so or the reason that you did it.

If you have not well, you need to. I know you claim you want no one but your SO, so time to put your money where your mouth is. You know that is partly causing these issues with your SO so unfortunately it is time to make that choice you have claimed would always be your for SO.

I have re-read all the posts from you regarding your SO and you and here is what I have gathered from them.

https://members.lovingfromadistance....earchid=682274

You have threads talking about your confusion with your feelings about for this lady friend in Canada and your SO's reaction to it. The majority of posters responded that it was a bad idea to emotionally be so connected to someone else to the point of cancelling your visit with your SO, you agreed but yet you did not seem wiling to break it off with the lady friend.

You made a few threads about lack of communication from your SO, mixed messages from her, her missing your birthday and at one point you stated you were going to go NC with her and it may be over because of this being an ongoing problem for two years, and again you mentioned the lady friend in Canada. She seemed to come up a lot in your posts. This is a red flag to me again.

You are now stating again that your SO wants to grant you permission to cheat on her, you know she is likely referring to this lady friend right? Of course she is, you already chose her once over your SO and she has not forgotten it and how can she if you are still doing it? Correct me if I am wrong, but you are right?

I think that if you back away from your "second" lady in life your "first" might begin to grow back closer to you again. I would never want or tolerate my SO being so emotionally connected to someone that he had any feelings for, regardless if I knew he would choose me if he had to over her or not. I don't do poly relationships, so it is me and only me or no me. If your SO feels the same way, then it is time to make it her and only her. I don't see things getting better until you do, LDRs are hard anyway and you have said your SO is dealing with mental illness as well, so adding another lady friend into the mix is just like the straw breaking the camels back. You need to put your SO first in all ways and in this case it does mean cutting off the other lady friend.

[piratemama]

I have to say I agree with Hollandia in post 20. I wouldn't want my SO to treat me like this; it would hurt. Friendships with the opposite sex are usually okay, but it seems like yours has crossed the line.

Your SO may be testing you to see if you really want more than friendship with the girl in Canada. To be so close emotionally to another girl isn't helping your SO. If you love your SO, you wouldn't want to hurt her. If this friendship with the girl in Canada is hurting your SO, then you must consider breaking off that friendship. Your SO should be first in your heart.

[Chris516]

Warning this long but it is a response to all the threads about the OP's situation with his SO.

What in the world is that supposed to insinuate.

Okay, I have re-read all the old threads. So, I do have a few questions for the OP. This online friend in Canada, have you backed away from relationship at all? You asked for advice about this and were given it last year because it was causing problems for you and your SO. You stated you had told your SO you would never move to Canada because you feared losing your healthcare. This would not have been music to my ears, if I was her, this is not the reason I want to hear. How about because I love you and no one else and I would never wish to imagine being with anyone else. You also have cancelled a trip to see your OP because of your lady friend in Canada almost dying. An online friend that by definition, it matters not where you are when you contact her. You could have IMed her right from the comfort of your SO's couch just as easily as your own. You have "owned" this, but it does not justify doing so or the reason that you did it.

If your question refers to ANY communication with the woman in Canada, no. While you are right about it not being a good reason, it is moot. Considering that she keeps telling me to find someone better than her, even though I have repeatedly told her the opposite.

If you have not well, you need to. I know you claim you want no one but your SO, so time to put your money where your mouth is. You know that is partly causing these issues with your SO so unfortunately it is time to make that choice you have claimed would always be your for SO.

I have re-read all the posts from you regarding your SO and you and here is what I have gathered from them.

https://members.lovingfromadistance....earchid=682274

You have threads talking about your confusion with your feelings about for this lady friend in Canada and your SO's reaction to it. The majority of posters responded that it was a bad idea to emotionally be so connected to someone else to the point of cancelling your visit with your SO, you agreed but yet you did not seem wiling to break it off with the lady friend.

You made a few threads about lack of communication from your SO, mixed messages from her, her missing your birthday and at one point you stated you were going to go NC with her and it may be over because of this being an ongoing problem for two years, and again you mentioned the lady friend in Canada. She seemed to come up a lot in your posts. This is a red flag to me again.

You are now stating again that your SO wants to grant you permission to cheat on her, you know she is likely referring to this lady friend right? Of course she is, you already chose her once over your SO and she has not forgotten it and how can she if you are still doing it? Correct me if I am wrong, but you are right?

I think that if you back away from your "second" lady in life your "first" might begin to grow back closer to you again. I would never want or tolerate my SO being so emotionally connected to someone that he had any feelings for, regardless if I knew he would choose me if he had to over her or not. I don't do poly relationships, so it is me and only me or no me. If your SO feels the same way, then it is time to make it her and only her. I don't see things getting better until you do, LDRs are hard anyway and you have said your SO is dealing with mental illness as well, so adding another lady friend into the mix is just like the straw breaking the camels back. You need to put your SO first in all ways and in this case it does mean cutting off the other lady friend.

She has not been referring to the woman in Canada when 'encouraging' me to cheat. She actually keeps referring to a woman in Louisiana, that I only met in a health-related online group, this year. But you didn't know that, so the woman in Canada would seem to be the logical answer. My SO has also tried to get me interested in another woman local to me, that lives in the same county I do. But I don't want to be with that woman, either. My SO keeps trying to fix me up with other women, as a way of pushing me away, and saying that she isn't good enough. So, Just as I have 'compared' my SO to others. She has done the same thing.

As for backing away, I did that for nine months, when I un-installed Yahoo Messenger. I didn't communicate with the woman in Canada, at all. Backing away from communication with her, wouldn't make a difference, even though I wish it would. Because the lack of communication with my SO first started to crop up in Nov.'2011. Which was AFTER, I had un-stalled Yahoo Messenger in July of that same year.

[Hollandia]

I am not insinuating anything. I was pulling from the entirety of threads not just this one, and so warning the readers that get irritated it was going to be a long post.


You need to stop involving other women in your life, because it is feeding into this problem. Either that, or let it go in one ear and out the other because it is not helping the situation with your SO. Are you still talking to the women in Canada as well as the one in LA? You say it does not matter, but I think they are are still in her mind.

[Chris516]

I am not insinuating anything. I was pulling from the entirety of threads not just this one, and so warning the readers that get irritated it was going to be a long post.


You need to stop involving other women in your life, because it is feeding into this problem. Either that, or let it go in one ear and out the other because it is not helping the situation with your SO. Are you still talking to the women in Canada as well as the one in LA? You say it does not matter, but I think they are are still in her mind.

The woman in Canada, yes. The woman in Louisiana(who my SO tried to get me romantically interested in), no. The woman that lives in the same county as me(who my SO also tried to get me romantically interested in), no.

[differentcountries]

So she actually tries to fix you up with other women, which you interprete as some kind of masochistic streak in her or an attempt to slowly break the two of you up?

[Chris516]

So she actually tries to fix you up with other women, which you interpret as some kind of masochistic streak in her or an attempt to slowly break the two of you up?

Not masochistic, but it derives from guilt. As some respondents have said, her need for reassurance. Which is not uncommon where OCD is concerned.

[differentcountries]

If it is illness -related I hope she gets the help she needs.

[Chris516]

If it is illness -related I hope she gets the help she needs.

I have tried. She was on the best OCD available, a couple years ago, but the side affects were horrendous.

[conejita_hada]

Reading Hollandia's posts and remembering a tad from your posts months ago, I'd second Hollandia's urging to stop talking to the other women all together. It's nice to have friends and sometimes it doesn't feel fair but it honestly sounds like these specific female friends are fueling the self-esteem issues your SO has. And if she "tried setting you up with one" why would you even want to be this other woman's friend? When I had self-esteem issues, I probably would have been permissible with my SO too but now I don't and if my SO ever got that emotionally connected to another woman, I would give the ultimatum, "her or me" because emotional connections are part of a relationship and sometimes they ruin relationships.

[Chris516]

Reading Hollandia's posts and remembering a tad from your posts months ago, I'd second Hollandia's urging to stop talking to the other women all together. It's nice to have friends and sometimes it doesn't feel fair but it honestly sounds like these specific female friends are fueling the self-esteem issues your SO has. And if she "tried setting you up with one" why would you even want to be this other woman's friend? When I had self-esteem issues, I probably would have been permissible with my SO too but now I don't and if my SO ever got that emotionally connected to another woman, I would give the ultimatum, "her or me" because emotional connections are part of a relationship and sometimes they ruin relationships.

Specifics if you don't mind.

What do you mean by the other 'woman's friend? Are you referring to the woman in Canada? Because if you are, that would mean cutting off all contact with her, based on my SO's insecurities. Well, If you look all the way back to two years ago when I mentioned that the Canadian woman nearly died, her boyfriend wanted her to cut all contact with me, because his own insecurities. After she got out of the hospital, she tried three times with it only lasting a couple of days. He finally relented.

As for communication with other females, outright, I can see how that would fuel my SO's insecurities. At the same time, a big thing with OCD is trust/worry. But when my SO doesn't communicate, that makes the OCD trust/worry, a moot point. Because I don't have money like Bill Gates, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet, Steve Wozniak, Sam Walton, or any relative of Sam Walton. Travel is not that financially easy for me.

To add, the woman in Canada n' I, have been through our own separate HE(double hockey sticks), and helped each other through it.