SO telling me(again), to cheat on her

[Hollandia]

This is beginning to feel like more of a debate thread.

No matter what anyone says you are not willing to stop contact with this lady in Canada. Nothing, you can come up with a reason not too. Even though you gave up a visit to your ex for this other women. Now, you are listening to your SO when she tells you not to come and visit and you are still in contact with the women in Canada. I don't buy that you would be feeding her OCD or any other reason you listed about the other women. The closer you are to her and the more you share with her, the worse it is for you and your SO, especially because of her illness.

I brought up sex because you mentioned never being willing to move to Canada because you feared losing your healthcare was your main reason. You did not say, I have no attraction to this other women and you did not rule out anything romantic with her, which usually involves sex.

Your Bi-Polar ex has nothing to do with your SO now, except that you have proven you are a good person and don't hold that against people.

Here is my advice that you can take or leave as you wish.

1. Cut contact with the other women in Canada, their is no excuse to continue it. This is detrimental to your relationship but you continue it with justifications that contradict each other. You have feelings for this other women and you can't have both of these relationships successfully, and so time to make that choice one and for all. You need to stop worrying about the other women and her situation and say goodbye and don't turn off your messenger for 9 months but for good. Change your contact info and walk away. She is not your priority and you need to let her go. If you can't, then fly to Canada, you won't lose your healthcare for a visit, you need to face what your feelings are for her if you can't.

2. Go see your SO and work these things through for the good or bad once and for all. You listen to her to not come visit her, but you don't when she tells you to cheat or when she tells you go find find someone better, all because you don't believe she means it so stop listening to her to not come and visit her. Go to her, hold her, hug her and stop sitting by the proverbial phone for her while spending more of your time talking to others.

Best of Luck.

[Chris516]

This sounds like a self confidence issue. Just keep reassuring her and it'll be fine

Sadly, Where mental illness is concerned, it isn't as easy as you think.

Have you considered a surprise visit?

Many times. Considering the last 2.5yrs., it feels like that would be the only way to see her.

[differentcountries]

I really don't get why the two of you are seeing each other, if she refuse visiting and wont even talk to you at times. What are you getting out of the relationship?

[Ahava]

I really don't get why the two of you are seeing each other, if she refuse visiting and wont even talk to you at times. What are you getting out of the relationship?

I was wondering the same.

[Chris516]

This is beginning to feel like more of a debate thread.

I am setting my reaction to that, aside. Because, While it feels like a snide remark, it still needs further thought.

No matter what anyone says you are not willing to stop contact with this lady in Canada. Nothing, you can come up with a reason not too. Even though you gave up a visit to your ex for this other woman. Now, you are listening to your SO when she tells you not to come and visit and you are still in contact with the women in Canada. I don't buy that you would be feeding her OCD or any other reason you listed about the other women. The closer you are to her and the more you share with her, the worse it is for you and your SO, especially because of her illness.

I am not willing to stop contact with the woman in Canada. Also, A woman in California, that I have also known online for almost ten years. Oh, Then there is another one in Rhode Island the same age as me and I have known her ten years and has an identical medical history. I have actually met her face-to-face at several medical conferences. She has been happily married for twenty-seven years with two grown kids, one of them being autistic.

Also, My SO said she wanted to come for the same medical conference that took place in 2012. She never came. She said recently she wanted to come out here this Spring when it is warmer. I am crossing my fingers about that, but I am not holding my breath.

I brought up sex because you mentioned never being willing to move to Canada because you feared losing your healthcare was your main reason. You did not say, I have no attraction to this other woman and you did not rule out anything romantic with her, which usually involves sex.

That is entirely subjective in the present, and anything in the past. With the other woman, sure there is the emotional connection. It has always been a situation of one or, the other being in a relationship. But even if my SO n' I did split, anything apart from the emotional connection, with the other woman would not be possible until she was no longer with her boyfriend/fiance. Because apart from one relationship, I am not, a 'relationship-breaker'. I don't try to 'steal another guy's girl'. That would have to happen on its' own.

Your Bi-Polar ex has nothing to do with your SO now, except that you have proven you are a good person and don't hold that against people.

There is an indirect connection between, my Bi-Polar/Borderline ex, and my SO's OCD. It is saying 'no', to things, they say and/or want. For example, my Bi-Polar/Borderline ex 'diagnosed' me with thirteen different mental and physical health problems. Even though she doesn't have a medical degree. When I finally had had enough of the 'diagnosing', I told her verbally in no uncertain terms, that I did not have what she 'diagnosed' me with. So she accused me of controlling her. Now her reaction to my saying 'no', is not the point. My SO wanted me to get a battery of STD tests. While it is common in people with OCD to want others to do that. I felt it was semi-warranted by of my ex's history. I was clean on all the tests. But when my SO wanted me to do it again, and I refused, I think that is where part of the trouble started.

Here is my advice that you can take or leave as you wish.

1. Cut contact with the other women in Canada, their is no excuse to continue it. This is detrimental to your relationship but you continue it with justifications that contradict each other. You have feelings for this other women and you can't have both of these relationships successfully, and so time to make that choice one and for all. You need to stop worrying about the other women and her situation and say goodbye and don't turn off your messenger for 9 months but for good. Change your contact info and walk away. She is not your priority and you need to let her go. If you can't, then fly to Canada, you won't lose your healthcare for a visit, you need to face what your feelings are for her if you can't.

2. Go see your SO and work these things through for the good or bad once and for all. You listen to her to not come visit her, but you don't when she tells you to cheat or when she tells you go find find someone better, all because you don't believe she means it so stop listening to her to not come and visit her. Go to her, hold her, hug her and stop sitting by the proverbial phone for her while spending more of your time talking to others.

Best of Luck.

Your second point is what I have been thinking for some time. That I need to go out there, regardless of what she says.

[Chris516]

I really don't get why the two of you are seeing each other, if she refuse visiting and wont even talk to you at times. What are you getting out of the relationship?

Before Nov.'2011, we were gangbusters. Then the communication problems started.

[XxFranticLovexX]

I totally agree with what you said. When she contacted me on Facebook n' hour ago. I didn't expect her to.

Someone said in one of my threads about the situation, that I should just wait for her to contact me. So that is what I have been doing since then.

Also, I remembered something while I was eating dinner. Back in 2012, before my friend in Canada nearly died, she chewed me out once, because my mother didn't know about her. It threw me for a loop, since she was already in a relationship with her present boyfriend.

So, take this as an initiative to call her/have her call you and talk to her.

That is kinda touchy advice, it's validity varies from situation to situation. I think you contacting her first would have been fine in this situation, but c'est la vie.

Who chewed you out? Your SO or the other woman? I'm lost here. ^^;;

Also this:

That is entirely subjective in the present, and anything in the past. With the other woman, sure there is the emotional connection. It has always been a situation of one or, the other being in a relationship. But even if my SO n' I did split, anything apart from the emotional connection, with the other woman would not be possible until she was no longer with her boyfriend/fiance. Because apart from one relationship, I am not, a 'relationship-breaker'. I don't try to 'steal another guy's girl'. That would have to happen on its' own.

This is a problem for your relationship, even if you don't personally see it as one. You have feelings for this other woman and the only reason that you aren't with her is because of various inconveniences (travel, medical care, other relationships, etc). Having n emotional connection like that with someone other than your SO is not okay if you are in a monogamous relationship.I'm sorry, but I would be highly pissed if I found out that my SO had a 'friend' whom he had feelings toward and we only not in a relationship with her because of other factors and not because he didn't want to be with her. Honestly, I love him dearly, but I would probably leave him for that. No woman wants to know that they have competition for their SO; physically or emotionally. Honestly, for a lot of women, emotional attachment to someone else is worse than physically wanting someone else.

The issue isn't if you would or wouldn't get into a relationship with this other woman, it is that, if the situation were ideal, you would be with her. That sir, will kill a womans confidence in a relationship, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to you. My SO has female friends, I don't mind this at all, but if they crossed the line that yours has crossed he would either be done with them or I would be done with him.. and even if he did chose me I would still be hurt that he even got that close to someone after already being in a relationship with me. No woman wants to feel like she has competition for a man that is supposedly already hers.

[Chris516]

So, take this as an initiative to call her/have her call you and talk to her.

That is kinda touchy advice, it's validity varies from situation to situation. I think you contacting her first would have been fine in this situation, but c'est la vie.

Who chewed you out? Your SO or the other woman? I'm lost here. ^^;;

Yes, It is touchy advice.

But I was taking the initiative. I was calling her every single night to tell her I loved her. I even sent her e-cards, e-mails, Facebook messages. All would go unanswered weeks or months at a time.

The other woman chewed me out for not telling my mother about her. The woman in Canada, that is.

This is a problem for your relationship, even if you don't personally see it as one. You have feelings for this other woman and the only reason that you aren't with her is because of various inconveniences (travel, medical care, other relationships, etc). Having n emotional connection like that with someone other than your SO is not okay if you are in a monogamous relationship.I'm sorry, but I would be highly pissed if I found out that my SO had a 'friend' whom he had feelings toward and we only not in a relationship with her because of other factors and not because he didn't want to be with her. Honestly, I love him dearly, but I would probably leave him for that. No woman wants to know that they have competition for their SO; physically or emotionally. Honestly, for a lot of women, emotional attachment to someone else is worse than physically wanting someone else.

The woman in Canada, is not the 'competition'.

The issue isn't if you would or wouldn't get into a relationship with this other woman, it is that, if the situation were ideal, you would be with her. That sir, will kill a womans confidence in a relationship, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to you. My SO has female friends, I don't mind this at all, but if they crossed the line that yours has crossed he would either be done with them or I would be done with him.. and even if he did chose me I would still be hurt that he even got that close to someone after already being in a relationship with me. No woman wants to feel like she has competition for a man that is supposedly already hers.

Fine, You are characterizing me being akin to the DEVIL. How about her(SO) pushing me away. Not only by not keeping her word of coming out to visit me. But also making excuses for me to not come out to visit her. Something happened. Either her OCD morphed somehow, or she just can't keep her word.

Yet, She still wants' a relationship.

[Dezface]

Chris, what do you want here? You shoot down any advice offered to you, no matter what it is. Nobody has a magical solution. In my opinion this all just seems like a giant clusterfuck with no hope of a good outcome. But at the end of the day you have to figure out yourself what you're going to do. You can't force your SO to change and you're unwilling to change anything about yourself. So again...what is it you're looking for here?

[differentcountries]

Before Nov.'2011, we were gangbusters. Then the communication problems started.

If you have been struggling like this for more than 2 years you have more than a little communication problem.

[Chris516]

If you have been struggling like this for more than 2 years you have more than a little communication problem.

I am inclined to agree.

[Chris516]

Chris, what do you want here? You shoot down any advice offered to you, no matter what it is. Nobody has a magical solution. In my opinion this all just seems like a giant clusterfuck with no hope of a good outcome. But at the end of the day you have to figure out yourself what you're going to do. You can't force your SO to change and you're unwilling to change anything about yourself. So again...what is it you're looking for here?

Wrong, It was suggested at one point to back off and wait for my SO to contact me. I have done that. She contacted me yesterday. We had a short chat.

It was also recently suggested about going out there regardless of what my SO wants? I have wanted to do that for some time.

As for the suggestion of cutting out the other female friends I have, I won't do that on account of my SO's OCD. Also, The suggestion of un-installing Yahoo Messenger, no. Because I would lose contact with some dear online friends in England, who I have also been helping out with a medical situation they have. In addition to anyone else on my address book.

[Lilly9886]

You really don't have to uninstall Yahoo-Messenger, there is something awesome called "blocking". That's how you can cut contact with the other women ("friend") in Canada! You are clearly in love with this woman in Canada (from my point of view) and given the chance (say for example she would break up with her current SO and moved to your town/state/country) you would be with her. Like other said, only circumstances keep you from doing that!

Give your gf a chance of finding someone who truly loves her and want to be with her - only her!

I am all for a visit, check out if you still have feelings for her - but be honest with yourself. And give her what she deserves!

[Ahava]

It sounds like a very confusing situation. I read up on the old posts.
I don't understand why you want to be in contact with the woman in Canada as she doesn't sound like a real friend.
Her being nasty to you etc. I wouldn't tolerate that.

As for your SO, medical problems or not, I would say if a person doesn't reply for months, there isn't really a relationship there.
It seems that you two are "together" out of convenience or just because that's what you are used to.

[xanzbarr]

She tells me, that there is someone better than her.

i wonder if there is a possibility she has someone else ' but doesnt have the cajones to tell you; making comments like this..I hope not.