SO telling me(again), to cheat on her

[conejita_hada]

I mean cutting contact with both. Like I said, it might not seem fair but if you want it to work with your SO, that probably needs to happen. I don't generally agree with cutting out friends for SOs but if there has been such a high level of emotional connection that you choose a friend over an SO, it becomes a question of which one you'd rather have. Just an observance. You don't have to take the advice; it's your life.

[Chris516]

I mean cutting contact with both. Like I said, it might not seem fair but if you want it to work with your SO, that probably needs to happen. I don't generally agree with cutting out friends for SOs but if there has been such a high level of emotional connection that you choose a friend over an SO, it becomes a question of which one you'd rather have. Just an observance. You don't have to take the advice; it's your life.

I understand what you mean, regarding the emotional connection. The woman in Louisiana is just a casual friend, via the online medical-related discussion group we are part of. The local woman(in my county), is not even to the level of a casual acquaintance. I don't even communicate with her.

[Hollandia]

I think that perhaps you are not willing to break off contact with the woman in Canada, for good and forever. You keep saying you would choose your SO over her, but then you won't do it because it would be because of her insecurities due to her illness. So, you know she has these insecurities and yet you still won't stop contact with the other women even though said insecurities are a part of her mental illness. You love someone with a mental illness, you need to make allowances for that. Whatever the reasons, you love your SO, you need to cut off the other woman, and don't add any new ones in either.

I would suggest you make some close online friends with some members of the opposite sex (men)that you would never wish to have sex with. You don't want to hear this, but this is how it is. My daughter is mentally ill, she is Bi-Polar and so I know that there are some things that would not be an issue in her life, but they are, and huge ones and allowances had to made due to them. You should be devoting all the time and attention to your SO, and forsake all others. I hate to say this but come hell or high water, I don't see you cutting ties with the other women and their is some laden reason for that, that you need to figure out and work through it.

I will also hope you are NEVER divulging any of your problems to the other women, that is just a huge breach of trust when you know you have confusion over your feelings for her. I say it again, get rid of the other women and then do whatever you have to do and go visit your SO soon, max out a credit card, beg the boss for time off work, this is supposed to be the love of your life. Make the jump. You also have the added knowledge of knowing your SO is in USA so you would not have to risk losing your healthcare.

I see this as loving someone that has an dibilitating fear of heights but wanting them to be able to live with you on a mountain top. You said it yourself, this is part of her illness. She can't. You either need to give up the idea of the mountain top or go live in the sky with someone that can handle it. If not you are only causing anguish to the one you love.

[Chlo]

Hey there.
I have to say I agree with a lot of what others have posted in this thread.
For me, the only other women who should be more important than your SO in your life are the close relations to you (family).
If you're talking to your SO about other women, that needs to stop. Someone previously said something about feeding into the issue, and you need to think about what you are saying to her.
Jealousy and insecurity are both difficult to handle, and to me, since she has got to a point of setting you up with other women screams that you haven't made her feel particularly secure. Maybe I'm wrong, but from her actions it's either that, or she wants to end things and doesn't know how to tell you.
You have probably been asked this before, but what if this situation was reversed? Would you feel the same if she had lots if close male friends? To the extent that you do? I know her mental health will also effect this, but I can't help but feel you or she can't blame it directly on that. I think most women and even men could or would be insecure at this point.
Obviously some people will disagree with me, but from what you've said, you have to realise its on your shoulders to change something because at this point I feel you're just hurting her, and yourself. If she cannot change, and you cannot put up with her behaviour in relation to yours, you should rethink the situation.
Relationships are about compromise, and if you both can't do that, it's time to move on before someone gets seriously hurt.
I'm sorry if this post is long, I hope you can get this situation resolved with your SO.
Best of luck!

[Ahava]

From what I understand is that he has only ONE close female friend (other than her SO) at least what we have heard about. And that is the Canadian woman who has a boyfriend. I don't think it is such a big problem. I mean if there is no emotional connection other than a good trusting close friendship.
If there is/has been more than that then maybe it would be better to not be in touch with the Canadian.

[Chris516]

I think that perhaps you are not willing to break off contact with the woman in Canada, for good and forever. You keep saying you would choose your SO over her, but then you won't do it because it would be because of her insecurities due to her illness. So, you know she has these insecurities and yet you still won't stop contact with the other women even though said insecurities are a part of her mental illness. You love someone with a mental illness, you need to make allowances for that. Whatever the reasons, you love your SO, you need to cut off the other woman, and don't add any new ones in either.

See, This is what you don't understand about relationships where one party in the relationship has a mental illness. Giving in to my SO's insecurities, would just feed her OCD, instead of say 'no' to the OCD. Yes, I know about making allowances, where a person has a mental illness.

I would suggest you make some close online friends with some members of the opposite sex (men)that you would never wish to have sex with. You don't want to hear this, but this is how it is. My daughter is mentally ill, she is Bi-Polar and so I know that there are some things that would not be an issue in her life, but they are, and huge ones and allowances had to made due to them. You should be devoting all the time and attention to your SO, and forsake all others. I hate to say this but come hell or high water, I don't see you cutting ties with the other women and their is some laden reason for that, that you need to figure out and work through it.

My ex was Bi-Polar II(more like Borderline according to my former therapist). I stupidly believed that and I had to get a therapist to cope with some of the things she said/did. Every book I looked at about Bi-Polar Disorder, told me to get psychological support for myself, and not to put up with abusive behavior.

My ex was just like Whitney Mongiat, the woman who was videotaped by her husband in her husband's truck having a conniption fit. Look her up on Google, because YouTube yanked the video, but it is still plenty of other places on the Internet. That is how my Bi-Polar/Borderline ex would behave.

As for ANYONE I would want to have sex with, where in the world did that come from? What in the world has sex got to do with it? The reason I haven't cut ties, permanently with the woman in Canada, apart from the nine months I had kept Yahoo Messenger un-installed, is because we can always talk to each other, and have always held each other accountable, when either one of was resistant about telling the other one. When I un-installed Yahoo Messenger back in July 2011, the only way to communicate with my SO was by phone. Not only did I not communicate with my SO via Yahoo Messenger, I didn't communicate with ANYONE via Yahoo Messenger for nine months.

I will also hope you are NEVER divulging any of your problems to the other women, that is just a huge breach of trust when you know you have confusion over your feelings for her. I say it again, get rid of the other women and then do whatever you have to do and go visit your SO soon, max out a credit card, beg the boss for time off work, this is supposed to be the love of your life. Make the jump. You also have the added knowledge of knowing your SO is in USA so you would not have to risk losing your healthcare.

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this aspect, except when I have wanted to see my SO 'at the drop of a hat', she has told me some reason or another not to come. This was even before, I un-installed Yahoo Messenger.

I see this as loving someone that has an dibilitating fear of heights but wanting them to be able to live with you on a mountain top. You said it yourself, this is part of her illness. She can't. You either need to give up the idea of the mountain top or go live in the sky with someone that can handle it. If not you are only causing anguish to the one you love.

While you do make a lot of sense here. When my SO says she can't give me what I want, I know the root of her saying that, is depression caused by the OCD. Because, She eventually is happy, that I have stuck by her.

Hey there.
I have to say I agree with a lot of what others have posted in this thread.
For me, the only other women who should be more important than your SO in your life are the close relations to you (family).
If you're talking to your SO about other women, that needs to stop. Someone previously said something about feeding into the issue, and you need to think about what you are saying to her.
Jealousy and insecurity are both difficult to handle, and to me, since she has got to a point of setting you up with other women screams that you haven't made her feel particularly secure. Maybe I'm wrong, but from her actions it's either that, or she wants to end things and doesn't know how to tell you.
You have probably been asked this before, but what if this situation was reversed? Would you feel the same if she had lots if close male friends? To the extent that you do? I know her mental health will also effect this, but I can't help but feel you or she can't blame it directly on that. I think most women and even men could or would be insecure at this point.
Obviously some people will disagree with me, but from what you've said, you have to realize its on your shoulders to change something because at this point I feel you're just hurting her, and yourself. If she cannot change, and you cannot put up with her behavior in relation to yours, you should rethink the situation.
Relationships are about compromise, and if you both can't do that, it's time to move on before someone gets seriously hurt.
I'm sorry if this post is long, I hope you can get this situation resolved with your SO.
Best of luck!

I have not 'actively' communicated with my SO for some time, even though I have tried. When she shuts down mentally and emotionally, I can't get her to communicate with me at all. As for talking to her about other women, she will ask me how the woman in Canada is doing, I don't tell her outright. She will also ask about my Bi-Polar/Borderline ex(the one that LIED to the police, her medical doctors, and her mental health team about me). Because my SO feels sorry my ex. To the point that, she begged me to let her buy some of my ex's calligraphy. I relented, because my SO wouldn't drop it. I just made one condition that, my SO n' my ex not communicate directly. I have seen how my ex LIES, and caught her doing it.

As to her insecurity about me talking to other women. The insecurity in general, basically goes both ways. While she doesn't talk to other men, there will be times, she won't even talk to me. Several times, I made the assumption she was breaking up with me. Because of her not returning my phone calls, Yahoo IM's, e-mail, or on Facebook. I have repeatedly asked her why communication has been so limited. It is almost like she repeatedly is testing my commitment.

This wasn't long at all, compared to some the other responses. Better luck next time.

From what I understand is that he has only ONE close female friend (other than her SO) at least what we have heard about. And that is the Canadian woman who has a boyfriend. I don't think it is such a big problem. I mean if there is no emotional connection other than a good trusting close friendship. If there is/has been more than that then maybe it would be better to not be in touch with the Canadian.

That is correct. She is the one close female friend I have. Because of how we have emotionally been through thick n' thin together. All the others are just friends.

[Chlo]

Has she always acted like this? Or has something triggered this behaviour in her?
From what you're saying she seems pretty impossible at the moment, and I'm wondering if you've dealt with or got over something similar with get before?
I don't mean to be rude or hurtful with anything I say.

[Chris516]

Has she always acted like this? Or has something triggered this behaviour in her?

Presuming you mean the lack of communication for extended periods of time, no. It first started happening in Nov.'2011, three months after I visited her right around her birthday in August. Prior to that, there were no communication problems.

From what you're saying she seems pretty impossible at the moment, and I'm wondering if you've dealt with or got over something similar with get before?
I don't mean to be rude or hurtful with anything I say.

Not impossible, but certainly not communicating. These stretches of very little to no communication, have gone on for weeks, sometimes months.

I was ticked about something yesterday. I found out my mother had sent her some pictures of me, then pictures of my brother n' his wife with their kids. She responded to my mother being very elated for receiving the pictures. Yet, I didn't receive a word from my SO about the pictures. That has me down. C'est la vie.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Okay, I have read quite a few of your threads as well as given my advice trying to help out in the past. At this point, I think you need to sit down and have a very long, serious, conversation with this woman.

If you're going to be together (in a relationship, LD or CD) then you're going to have to spend time together and you're going to have to communicate with one another. Tbh, it doesn't matter if she likes it or not, she's going to have to get over it and talk to you about what's going on. She's going to have to be willing to communicate with you and you're going to have to be willing to get the funds together to visit her. Spending almost seven years in a relationship with someone is a long time, especially when it is progressing so slowly. I'm, usually, not one for ultimatums in relationships but I think this may require one. Tell her that exactly how you feel about her, about the relationship, about the communication issue, about everything. Then tell her that something is going to have to change because going almost three years without seeing one another and having such a lax in communication, for no good reason what-so-ever, is unacceptable.

It may be that she is actually having issues with her OCD and you are going to have to work with her to get through these issues when it comes to your relationship. It could also be that she has gotten to a stage where she is taking the relationship that you have for granted and isn't willing to actually put in any effort. It could even be that she had lost actual emotion for you and is only in the relationship because it is comfortable and she doesn't know what to do without it. No one can say for sure, except her.

Basically. If you can't get her to communicate, you can't get her to agree to a visit, and you have no idea where she is at with you emotionally then what do you have with her other than attachment? She needs to communicate more. She needs to accept your offers to visit (or do so herself, if she can). You need to stop making excuses about money and find a way to visit her. If you want it bad enough then you have to work for it and it seems that neither of you are putting enough effort into this where it is actually needed. Relationships don't always work just because you love someone.

If you can't get her to talk and actually make plans with you then I would suggest, only in a dire situation (which this seems to be at this point) telling her that you can't do this anymore if she can't sit down and have a decent conversation with you so that you know where you both stand.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, really, I am; but some situations can only be worked through and moved on from when the BS tolerance is lowered and someone actually takes a stand and works toward actually making progress toward making a change.

P.s. Please ignore typos. I can not type tonight apparently. x_x;;

[Chris516]

Okay, I have read quite a few of your threads as well as given my advice trying to help out in the past. At this point, I think you need to sit down and have a very long, serious, conversation with this woman.

If you're going to be together (in a relationship, LD or CD) then you're going to have to spend time together and you're going to have to communicate with one another. Tbh, it doesn't matter if she likes it or not, she's going to have to get over it and talk to you about what's going on. She's going to have to be willing to communicate with you and you're going to have to be willing to get the funds together to visit her. Spending almost seven years in a relationship with someone is a long time, especially when it is progressing so slowly. I'm, usually, not one for ultimatums in relationships but I think this may require one. Tell her that exactly how you feel about her, about the relationship, about the communication issue, about everything. Then tell her that something is going to have to change because going almost three years without seeing one another and having such a lax in communication, for no good reason what-so-ever, is unacceptable.

It may be that she is actually having issues with her OCD and you are going to have to work with her to get through these issues when it comes to your relationship. It could also be that she has gotten to a stage where she is taking the relationship that you have for granted and isn't willing to actually put in any effort. It could even be that she had lost actual emotion for you and is only in the relationship because it is comfortable and she doesn't know what to do without it. No one can say for sure, except her.

Basically. If you can't get her to communicate, you can't get her to agree to a visit, and you have no idea where she is at with you emotionally then what do you have with her other than attachment? She needs to communicate more. She needs to accept your offers to visit (or do so herself, if she can). You need to stop making excuses about money and find a way to visit her. If you want it bad enough then you have to work for it and it seems that neither of you are putting enough effort into this where it is actually needed. Relationships don't always work just because you love someone.

If you can't get her to talk and actually make plans with you then I would suggest, only in a dire situation (which this seems to be at this point) telling her that you can't do this anymore if she can't sit down and have a decent conversation with you so that you know where you both stand.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, really, I am; but some situations can only be worked through and moved on from when the BS tolerance is lowered and someone actually takes a stand and works toward actually making progress toward making a change.

P.s. Please ignore typos. I can not type tonight apparently. x_x;;

I totally agree with what you said. When she contacted me on Facebook n' hour ago. I didn't expect her to.

Someone said in one of my threads about the situation, that I should just wait for her to contact me. So that is what I have been doing since then.

Also, I remembered something while I was eating dinner. Back in 2012, before my friend in Canada nearly died, she chewed me out once, because my mother didn't know about her. It threw me for a loop, since she was already in a relationship with her present boyfriend.

[Chris516]

If she has never been excited about open relationships in general, I would say she is acting against herself and doesn't want you to do it at all. It seems you are rather used to her saying things she doesn't mean. Why so long apart? Is it a visa issue?

Pouring through the thread, I saw that I missed your reply. I am not interested in an open relationship, either. I think your right about my SO acting against herself. I am used to it. But I wonder what causes her to keep doing it.

The vast time apart isn't a visa issue, since we both live in the U.S.; I have tried to go out there. But ever since going out there in Aug.'2011, every time I have brought up the idea of my flying out there, she has one reason, or another, for my not going out there.

[mellif]

Pouring through the thread, I saw that I missed your reply. I am not interested in an open relationship, either. I think your right about my SO acting against herself. I am used to it. But I wonder what causes her to keep doing it.

The vast time apart isn't a visa issue, since we both live in the U.S.; I have tried to go out there. But ever since going out there in Aug.'2011, every time I have brought up the idea of my flying out there, she has one reason, or another, for my not going out there.

Sorry if I missed it and you mentioned it on a previous page, but have you asked her about this directly? (the part in bold)

[Chris516]

Sorry if I missed it and you mentioned it on a previous page, but have you asked her about this directly? (the part in bold)

She tells me, that there is someone better than her.

[Photonut]

This sounds like a self confidence issue. Just keep reassuring her and it'll be fine

[differentcountries]

Have you considered a surprise visit?