Is it cheating? Jumped the pond and found an ugly scenario.

[ethelynn]

How did your councelling session go?

[FoxFight]

Good evening everyone,

These last couple of days have been difficult on the two of us, but I'll quickly fill you in on what's happening for the sake of anyone else who may be dealing with this now or in the future.

Our counseling session was unfortunately just an assessment to then be referred onward again, and the two of us very much needed to talk to a third party at the time. I fear we unloaded more onto this poor woman than she could handle (sorry, blonde woman!). That being said, it was still helpful to talk about it in a neutral room where I felt obligated to talk in productive, non-blaming terms and have some one ask the right questions. She suggested that I commit to staying until Monday and make sure each of my days are filled with goals and activities so that I'm not at home waiting and becoming more resentful by the hour. Each day is a compromise and requires reassessment. We are waiting to be referred onto couples counseling and will likely also attend a few sessions on our own.

As it stands, my SO has offered to drop his masters program and return to Canada so that I can lean on my friends and family for support, and so that he can take the time and commit the focus needed to healing our relationship. Although I'm not sure that this is the route we will take, his offer has shown me that he is willing to match my sacrifice and commitment if I decide to stay in this relationship.

If anyone is reading this in the future and searching for some form of guidance, all I can say is that in your heart you will know if your SO is worth it. Give it the time you feel it deserves and trust your gut.

Edit:
Just wanted to reach out and say thank you again to the members of this forum who have offered some form of a pseudo-support group. For me, being overseas, it's helped a great deal.

[TaraMarie]

It seems to me that he is honestly sorry and wants to move forward. I had a similar situation one time. He reacted the same way. It worked out. Go for it. It takes a long time to trust again.....but first you have to honestly forgive him, or you will never be able to let it go. And once you do you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders..... Don't forget.....but forgiveness is divine!

[ldrxoxo]

Edit: That's great you are working things out. I just saw your responses to what's happening, but if he does it again I would leave the second time period with no questions no arguments.
************************************

Do not let him get away with this. I would not take him back. I would tell him all the money time energy spent, just for him to go behind your back. It was difficult enough for the distance, and he has to add this. Tell him why you should trust him again. He broke your trust. You trusted him without questioning him and the moment you look behind his back you find something. I wonder is there ever a time where someone snoops and they don't find anything? Tell him you gave him his privacy never checked his things until that day just to find something.

I had a talk yesterday with my ldr situation. I finally laid down the law. While we aren't exactly "official" I stayed committed to my LDR, but my LDR of 8 hours away hadn't spoken to me for three weeks and I said I can't take it anymore with him going every two to three weeks not talking to me when we used to talk all the time. In a LDR, he HAS to pay attention to me for more than every three weeks to make this work. I told him everything. Ask what will be different about the times if you stay with him. I would have gone home. I would have said, "I spent all this money on you for you to cheat on me, right?"

[FoxFight]

I understand the concern that I am accepting an unfaithful partner who undervalues me because I don’t have the confidence to move on or don’t believe I am deserving of better. It is the opposite. I know that I am strong enough to give this another chance. This has not broken who I am or my worth. My patience and love for him are not coming from a place of insecurity or fear; I am confident in myself and what I bring as a partner. If he strays again, that's on him, he will lose me. I'm not committing to spend the rest of my life with him, but I am committing to giving this relationship enough time for me to assess if the trust can be rebuilt. I believe that our relationship is worth that, and I believe that deep down he's a good man who knows, without a doubt, that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That’s why I’m still here today working at this

[differentcountries]

I wonder is there ever a time where someone snoops and they don't find anything?

Of course that happens.

What upsets me apart this whole situation, apart from filling his sexual urges behind OP's back, which is cheating, he was using a women who clearly had feelings for him, moreover someone he called a friend and was supposed to care for. Those are several red flags of impulsivity, not only towards OP, but with the way he relates to the world and other people in general.

[FoxFight]

Well, it has been about seven weeks since this all came to light, and I thought it was time for an update.
After seeking professional help, I allowed myself to feel the full extent of his betrayal. I was so lost in the fog of confusion and shock that I allowed myself to minimize his actions. I believed that when he looked me square in the eyes and told me that he was willing to do anything that he was in fact, remorseful and committed. Not because his word carried any weight, but because I thought I knew in my own heart that his love for me was the trump card. Trust me, there is no need to relay to me what a fool I have been.

Despite his commitment to investing in this relationship further (he has now essentially flunked out of his masters course with the intention of coming back to Canada, and has attended counseling out of pocket), I continue to catch him in lies.

Initially we had a very calm discussion about the extent of the relationship, and I explained how critical it was that he disclose everything because eventually, any further lies would come to light, and when they did it would be too late. He told me that "he completely agreed". He reassured me that the texting began December 2013. Even that length of time felt difficult to fathom. We went over it multiple times. In fact, we even had this discussion during a counseling session last week and he assured the counselor that he did not begin texting her before she quit in December, that they were simply co-workers, and "not even friends at that point".

I knew deep down that he was still keeping some part of the truth from me, and last night I finally found a way to access a handful of his deleted phone texts. To my horror, I found that the relationship started as early as July 2013. Based on their rapport, they had already been talking for a very, very long time. So at this point, I assume that this has been going on for the better part of a year. All the while, I never heard her name once - didn't know this woman even existed, and he was texting her multiple times a day. I would say that it seemed friendly enough, but the majority of my close friends are guys, and I have never spoken to them in such intimate detail of my life (or hid their existence and importance from my partner!). Both parties had feelings and were leaning on each other; they just never breached the topic (to my knowledge - for all I know he could have confessed he loved her).

After finding this out last night, I have decided with resolve to leave him. After all the lies, I feel that there is no way for me to trust him again, nor do I want to. What is difficult is that my flight home is not until May 9th and I have not budgeted for accommodation elsewhere - my flight date is not changeable or refundable.

So here's why I'm actually here: how do I stay strong here over the next two weeks without caving into his sweet words? I'm trying to find the strength, but I know that despite truly wanting to break this off, I am still in love with him (the lag time for the heart is a little inconvenient). Already this morning he has brought in breakfast, sat down and told me that he's only here to help me at this point - not us, not him. Yes, he's very sweet when he is groveling. He is giving me space right now but we still share the same small apartment and I know eventually he will try to patch things up. I'm trying to hold on to what little mental clarity I have right now and stay resolved in leaving him, but I have said that before.

Note: I apologize if this post seems disconnected and saturated with emotional turmoil - truth be told I am still in crisis mode and shock and am simply reaching out for support. Any advice on how to move forward from here would be greatly appreciated.

[differentcountries]

It seems to me you are more hurt about the lying than the cheating. I agree with you. The red flags are enough to cover an entire boat. He may care for you, but this guy is trouble. I know it is extremely hard when you are in love. It hurts so so much to realize you love a man who may not be worth the love. Dont blame yourself, but try to use this. What do you want in a relationship? What can he offer? Is there any way you could live somewhere else, to get some space right now? Or places you can stay during the day if you must spend the night there? It is sweet that he is willing to patch things up, but he has been playing with fire and holding back for a long time. If you should be able to trust him as a partner or even as a friend it will take a long time.

[FoxFight]

Differentcountries, you are right, it is the lying that troubles me. To me that signals that not only was he capable of forming this relationship with another woman, but does not have the resolve to commit himself 100% to our relationship if he is still lying at this point. It's that part of his character that I fear. Clearly something is unresolved?

He shared parts of himself with her that he hid from me. I know that different people bring about different parts of ourselves, but I personally can't relate to feeling like I ever had to hide parts of myself from him... He knew all of my imperfections, and fears and loved me despite them. Whereas looking at some of these texts, I feel like he was more natural when talking to her. She knew more about him, knew more of him than I did. That stings. I think he has a hard time believing that he cared for her, because quite frankly, she is a trashy woman. But the proof is in the pudding, no?

[silvermoonfairy3]

First of all, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've been cheated on by an ex who was shady about the truth and obviously didn't care about my feelings enough to realize how his actions were so hurtful, and it suuuucks.
So I feel for you, and I know it's a crappy situation to be in.

But, I couldn't agree with you more on your resolve to leave. I think it's time to throw in the towel completely. I don't think this relationship can be salvaged, not without some serious growing up from him, and it frankly it just doesn't sound like that's gonna happen anytime soon.

Additionally, this:

and last night I finally found a way to access a handful of his deleted phone texts.

shows that you can't trust him. Obviously, he totally destroyed his trustworthiness, and you have every right to be suspicious, and trust would need to be built back up. But if he's STILL not being forthcoming with ALL of the truth, in a way that makes you suspicious enough to justify going through his deleted texts.. it kinda sounds past repair. I completely think you're making a smart decision for your long-term happiness.

how do I stay strong here over the next two weeks without caving into his sweet words?

It mostly depends on what sort of thing works for you.
Firstly, though, does he know you're done? Have you guys officially called it quits? If not, that's the first step.

If so.. With such a complicated situation, for me, the best way would actually probably be to keep myself feeling a little mad about it. When he says something sweet, imagine him saying it to that other girl. When he tries to be cute and I feel myself softening a bit, think of all the worry and the lying. Go outside for fresh air and text a friend for support. etc. And if you really need to, cold shoulder. It's bitchy, but the situation might warrant it. Be polite, but distant. He brings you breakfast? Thanks. Eat a piece of the toast and go take a shower without further discussion. He says he's sorry, thanks, but it's too late. We're done.

He's shown this relationship isn't working, and you're making the right decision, so it might unfortunately just be time for some coldness for self-preservation.

Good luck!

[dglynn77]

I am so sorry to read of all this happening to you. And I am glad you have realized what you need to do. Is there any way at all you can leave sooner? I think the environment you are in right now is not an emotionally stable environment. You need a safe place to heal and process. *hugs*

[FoxFight]

Thank you for the support, everyone. After gathering the courage to look at the evidence again (what I promise myself would be one final time), I now know that they were texting since 2012. Yes. 2012. That is a long time to hide some one, that doesn't happen by accident. There must be thousands of texts between them that I will never see.

He has offered to stay with friends for the next few days while I get it together, although I suspect that he believes that when he returns we will reconcile. I plan to be gone before he returns - we will have to have our goodbyes some other way, because I know he will not let me walk out that door while he's still breathing. I know that I won't be able to while he pleads.

I contacted our couples counselor to let her know that I would no longer be attending and she has graciously offered to host a free session with me tomorrow. Just focusing on getting myself back on track. Giving him the cold, bitchy shoulder right now is the only thing that works. I know that because my heart needs time to let him go, it is going to be very easy for him to persuade me to stay otherwise. Silvermoon, I'm taking your advice and am keeping the wound fresh.

I have to say that I shamefully have been tempted with the idea of messaging the other woman and ask her what really happened. I know that this is probably the worst idea and will likely cause more pain; but I feel so humiliated that they both know the full story and I know nothing. The only thing worse would be asking for her help and getting silence.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I know it seems a little counter-intuitive to keep the wound fresh as you say, but sometimes that's what you need to do at first when your resolve could be tested. I'm glad you'll have the counseling session tomorrow, too.

I would suggest not contacting the other woman. Don't put yourself through it, don't give her the satisfaction of drama from it. Is anything that she could say really going to make you feel better anyway? Chances are, probably not. She's not your friend, and (since I think she knew about your relationship?) she showed nothing but disrespect toward you while you were dating him.

It sucks, it's all a mess, but in the long run it'll be better.
Hang in there!

[curious_gal518]

I wouldnt contact the other woman, either. As they, "Ignorance is bliss" and "what you dont know won't hurt you."

And I understand that you may have that nagging feeling of wanting to know exactly what your SO and that other woman were doing, but is it really worth your time and your emotions? What would come out of it? It wouldn't actually mend your broken relationship with your SO and you're burying yourself from further pain once you know what had happened.

Save yourself from further heartache and not contact her or your SO anymore. I believe that you are a strong woman and you have what it takes to get through this!

Hang in there!

[FoxFight]

Deep down, I know that you're both right. Those are almost the exact words that my best friend said to me. My want to contact her is probably partly driven by a need to understand my SO's behaviour. It's incredibly difficult to wrap your head around the fact that you do not actually know who the man is that you've given your heart and soul to for the last three years. I'm just looking for something to ground myself on.

In the end I had to kick his sorry ass out of our apartment. He became a mess as soon as I asked him to follow through with that offer. I made him tell our room mate as well, which killed him. If he can't say, out loud, what he's done for fear of damaging his reputation, than in my mind he's clearly still desperately holding onto his ego that got him into this in the first place. I'm not a cruel woman but I think he deserves to feel a little bit humiliated. Seems to me that he's still in denial about the whole thing.

Anyways, the space feels good and I'm looking forward to speaking with the counselor today. I woke up to a text from him saying that he realizes that he is a habitual liar and continually makes excuses for his actions before he even acts on them, that he's dedicating himself to changing, etc. etc. He's asked me to attend our couples session this evening, as well, but instead I think I will spend the evening finding somewhere else to stay for the next two weeks.