Midlife Crises

[ldrxoxo]

I thought that we had finally patched things up (for those who know the back story to my long distance). I was okay with not talking to him daily because I know he has studies and work and any free time I'd be napping as well. Whenever people in person would try to ask me to hang out I don't feel like it because I've gotten used to doing things on my own time, whenever I want, that's probably the way he is, too, and he's not used to this long distance thing since he hangs out with everyone near by him.

With work calling me off for weeks at a time, it's been driving me crazy not being able to save up to see him, it's caused me to go back to old money ways I wish I didn't revisit [gambling]. If I try to apply to other jobs, I still have to wait to hear back from those jobs as well for a 40-hour work week. I did a dumb thing and tried to win money from my rent money since work hasn't been giving me anything to do and I ended up losing the last of my rent money. I haven't been to a casino in years, this was the first time in a long time. On good nights I'll go up at least $100 - $300. I wasn't in a good place. None of my friends in town were answering their phones so that I could have someone to talk to that I decided to try to call him about it. I've never heard his voice before. We'd just usually text or video chat and type. As I suspected, he didn't pick up, but he texted me back.

I just needed someone to vent to how stupid I was and I thought he would be there for me. Instead, I guess he couldn't handle it and he ended up deleting me.
If he needed someone to talk to about his stupid actions with his addictions or with whatever, I would have been there for him.

Just the other day, he was telling me to calm down when I told him I can't save money to see him, I can't save money to do anything since work hasn't been calling me in for weeks. Then today he deletes me!

I'm so lost right now it's ridiculous. I was trying so hard to be patient to work things out but I get the feeling he thinks a long distance thing like this should happen right away and if it doesn't he moves on. When I had work for a while, I was okay with waiting until summer to see him. When it turned into weeks of no work, is when things started going downhill.

You might wonder why I'm so hung up on someone who is still in college: just the way we talked to each other about certain topics, the way we were goofy around each other, I've never got that vibe with any other guy and it's hard to forget him because of that.

I was so angry today about him hardly talking to me anymore that I said something I didn't mean: I told him to go find some girl in his town to be with then since he can't seem to be patient about the long distance. [That's when he deleted me.] I didn't mean to say that, I was so angry that he wouldn't give me ten minutes of his time to talk on the phone to talk things out. I ended up calling him to leave my first voice mail trying to explain things [whether or not he listens to it, I will never know.]

Has anyone ever acted like they would never talk to you again, purposely this time [not like my last entry about life getting in the way, but purposely?] after you got into a semi argument?

I know we would have had loads of fun if we could have just seen each other in person but we were too impatient.
I don't get him: why he will go out of his way to wish me happy birthday, does little sentimental things he knows I would appreciate, only to turn around and make me angry with something else!

Sorry for this long post. I gave him his space knowing he has a few tests to study for so I was patient and didn't bother him up until these past few nights with the casino thing.

Have you ever said something you didn't mean to someone, and they ended up deleting you from everything, did they ever come back after a while you stopped talking [in a long distance]?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I thought that we had finally patched things up (for those who know the back story to my long distance). I was okay with not talking to him daily because I know he has studies and work and any free time I'd be napping as well. Whenever people in person would try to ask me to hang out I don't feel like it because I've gotten used to doing things on my own time, whenever I want, that's probably the way he is, too, and he's not used to this long distance thing since he hangs out with everyone near by him.

With work calling me off for weeks at a time, it's been driving me crazy not being able to save up to see him, it's caused me to go back to old money ways I wish I didn't revisit [gambling]. If I try to apply to other jobs, I still have to wait to hear back from those jobs as well for a 40-hour work week. I did a dumb thing and tried to win money from my rent money since work hasn't been giving me anything to do and I ended up losing the last of my rent money. I haven't been to a casino in years, this was the first time in a long time. On good nights I'll go up at least $100 - $300. I wasn't in a good place. None of my friends in town were answering their phones so that I could have someone to talk to that I decided to try to call him about it. I've never heard his voice before. We'd just usually text or video chat and type. As I suspected, he didn't pick up, but he texted me back.

I just needed someone to vent to how stupid I was and I thought he would be there for me. Instead, I guess he couldn't handle it and he ended up deleting me.
If he needed someone to talk to about his stupid actions with his addictions or with whatever, I would have been there for him.

Just the other day, he was telling me to calm down when I told him I can't save money to see him, I can't save money to do anything since work hasn't been calling me in for weeks. Then today he deletes me!

I'm so lost right now it's ridiculous. I was trying so hard to be patient to work things out but I get the feeling he thinks a long distance thing like this should happen right away and if it doesn't he moves on. When I had work for a while, I was okay with waiting until summer to see him. When it turned into weeks of no work, is when things started going downhill.

You might wonder why I'm so hung up on someone who is still in college: just the way we talked to each other about certain topics, the way we were goofy around each other, I've never got that vibe with any other guy and it's hard to forget him because of that.

I was so angry today about him hardly talking to me anymore that I said something I didn't mean: I told him to go find some girl in his town to be with then since he can't seem to be patient about the long distance. [That's when he deleted me.] I didn't mean to say that, I was so angry that he wouldn't give me ten minutes of his time to talk on the phone to talk things out. I ended up calling him to leave my first voice mail trying to explain things [whether or not he listens to it, I will never know.]

Has anyone ever acted like they would never talk to you again, purposely this time [not like my last entry about life getting in the way, but purposely?] after you got into a semi argument?

I know we would have had loads of fun if we could have just seen each other in person but we were too impatient.
I don't get him: why he will go out of his way to wish me happy birthday, does little sentimental things he knows I would appreciate, only to turn around and make me angry with something else!

Sorry for this long post. I gave him his space knowing he has a few tests to study for so I was patient and didn't bother him up until these past few nights with the casino thing.

Have you ever said something you didn't mean to someone, and they ended up deleting you from everything, did they ever come back after a while you stopped talking [in a long distance]?

That happens to us sometimes. We had an argument, and I deleted our entire inbox and unfriended him on Facebook. But I left Twitter and Skype open. There have been times he's told me to go find someone else closer to home, because he was so frustrated with the distance. But I asked him once if he really wanted me to do that, how would he feel if I did, and he said he wouldn't like it at all. Basically, we don't argue much, and when we do, we don't go very long without apologizing and making up. I guess we must be doing something right, because today is our 4th Anniversary of our LDR. Still in love, still going strong.

Now, my advice to you is don't panic yet. Give him some space. And you take some time for yourself, too. Chill out, meditate, take time to just breathe and BE.
Do things for yourself that you enjoy. But definitely stay away from the casinos. That was a hard lesson, losing your rent money that way. It looks like that is your main priority now, finding some way to keep a roof over your head. Don't even worry about saving to close the distance or visit him. Neither of you is to that stage yet. Slow down, don't put so much pressure on yourself or on him.

I hope things will work out for you.

[differentcountries]

I am sorry this happened. No, I have learnt that acting dramatic usually worse things. I am not sure what advice to give. I did hang up on the phone once... But we talked again right after. I promised him I would never hang up again. I guess it depends on the level of drama you are comfortable with. Drama can be great, it can highlight some issues, for some even spark the passion. But the cost can be high. It can influence the trust and I prefer to keep it at a minimum.

[Ahava]

I doubt it is midlife crises...
You NEED to get a grip with the way your life is going! You are far from being a stable person. Maybe he has enough on his plate with college and studies and he feels the last thing he needs in his life is an unstable person to rock the boat.
I think you should try and sort your life and yourself out first. You are not ready for a relationship at the moment.

[ldrxoxo]

I doubt it is midlife crises...
You NEED to get a grip with the way your life is going! You are far from being a stable person. Maybe he has enough on his plate with college and studies and he feels the last thing he needs in his life is an unstable person to rock the boat.
I think you should try and sort your life and yourself out first. You are not ready for a relationship at the moment.

Being with someone isn't about abandoning them when their times get tough and then they suddenly pop up when things go smoother again. The people deserving to be in my life for my great times are those who ride the storm with me. If they're going to bail just because life gets rough, what's that say anyway about that person?

Everyone has their issues, so people should just abandon someone when that's when someone needs someone the most?

[ldrxoxo]

That happens to us sometimes. We had an argument, and I deleted our entire inbox and unfriended him on Facebook. But I left Twitter and Skype open. There have been times he's told me to go find someone else closer to home, because he was so frustrated with the distance. But I asked him once if he really wanted me to do that, how would he feel if I did, and he said he wouldn't like it at all. Basically, we don't argue much, and when we do, we don't go very long without apologizing and making up. I guess we must be doing something right, because today is our 4th Anniversary of our LDR. Still in love, still going strong.

Now, my advice to you is don't panic yet. Give him some space. And you take some time for yourself, too. Chill out, meditate, take time to just breathe and BE.
Do things for yourself that you enjoy. But definitely stay away from the casinos. That was a hard lesson, losing your rent money that way. It looks like that is your main priority now, finding some way to keep a roof over your head. Don't even worry about saving to close the distance or visit him. Neither of you is to that stage yet. Slow down, don't put so much pressure on yourself or on him.

I hope things will work out for you.

I appreciate your thoughts about my situation and I definitely don't want to go back there! For now, all I can do is wait and see if he will contact me again in the summer. I haven't had a man's company romantically in ever and the first time it felt like it was going that way with someone, then it wasn't I was so broken. He was the first guy who would actually try to date me as more than a hook up, but since he's 8-9 hours away and we don't have the means right now, I guess we are where we are right now. I was not used to the drastic changes where he would talk to me all the time any chance he got, even while he started school again he still made time to talk to me. Now he's always saying he's busy and it just makes me so angry with this drastic change that I have to force myself to not think about messaging him since he doesn't respond like he used to. I didn't even have to text him first because he would used to message me first all the time, now I have to pull teeth to get a response and I still don't get a proper one.

And then the third time we talked things out he still seemed interested. We even spent the whole night sending each other pictures when we re-connected again, then he went a week or two without contacting me once again after that night. I don't know if it's because he can't see me right now or any time soon for that matter as to why he doesn't keep talking to me the way he used to. He says one thing and does another it just confuses me.

Thank you so much. I will be sure to update any good changes if there are any. I might not hear from him, if I do at all, until summer time. I wanted to wish him happy birthday this Friday in five days, but now that he's deleted me I guess I'm not going to say anything to him.

[Moon]

Being with someone isn't about abandoning them when their times get tough and then they suddenly pop up when things go smoother again. The people deserving to be in my life for my great times are those who ride the storm with me. If they're going to bail just because life gets rough, what's that say anyway about that person?

Everyone has their issues, so people should just abandon someone when that's when someone needs someone the most?

It says they're a 19 year old college boy, are you ever going to get that? He isn't, and isn't supposed to be, ready for your kind of emotional baggage and instability. Move on.

[ldrxoxo]

I am sorry this happened. No, I have learnt that acting dramatic usually worse things. I am not sure what advice to give. I did hang up on the phone once... But we talked again right after. I promised him I would never hang up again. I guess it depends on the level of drama you are comfortable with. Drama can be great, it can highlight some issues, for some even spark the passion. But the cost can be high. It can influence the trust and I prefer to keep it at a minimum.

Thank you for your kind words and experience. For me, it made me feel great to get every single thought about the situation out of my chest. I felt like I had to be very blunt with him while he was very wishy-washy with me. We probably would have had sparking the passion with it if he was nearby, but since he's far away, unfortunately it went the other way. He's the only person I would ever give a second chance to if he comes back into my life when things are going better for me. If it was other people in town who just don't want to be there for people and they think they can show up when things are great but not talk to me when things are rough, I wouldn't give the townies a second chance.

[ldrxoxo]

It says they're a 19 year old college boy, are you ever going to get that? He isn't, and isn't supposed to be, ready for your kind of emotional baggage and instability. Move on.

And that last part you mentioned is so "easy" to say when he's the only guy to ever talk to me to act like he even gave a damn as more than a booty call. Move on to what? More guys that just want a booty call? Cuz that's all that's out there where I am.

[Moon]

And that last part you mentioned is so "easy" to say when he's the only guy to ever talk to me to act like he even gave a damn as more than a booty call. Move on to what? More guys that just want a booty call? Cuz that's all that's out there where I am.

NO!! Move on with your LIFE, which does not mean another guy, it means get yourself sorted out. Why do you assume that means being in a relationship? Stop valuing yourself on whether or not there's some guy sniffing around your ass, and value yourself for who you are, or working towards who you want to be. Until you do that, you are never going to have a happy and healthy relationship.

[Kristin91]

He's still in college. And I'm not saying that's an excuse for not talking to you, but it doesn't sound like he has the maturity to deal with something like a gambling addiction. That's perfectly in his right... I know if my SO came up to me with an addiction to something, I would need space too. It's also perfectly in your right to be angry, but I'm sure he's just as angry, confused, upset, or whatever right now. You can't make him talk to you, but you can get some help for yourself.

You need to get help for your addiction, before you can worry about being in a relationship with him.

[snow]

I agree with Moon here. You don't need to be in a relationship and if he is not giving you what you need and bails when life gets tough - then move on. Life is too short to waste time on someone who is not willing to spend time on you! Rather be alone than unhappy.

Do something to be happier with life itself. From all I read from you I see that you have a lot of anger in you. You need to work through these things before you can have a relationship. You are 28, far away from midlife crisis - if that was actually true I would be in a midlife crisis by the time I wanted to have kids. Start to live your life and be happy.

[Hollandia]

I wish other posters would remember the recent multiple posts when someone makes a thread about.."why is this happening?" after posting other threads that would explain it or quite frankly if the OP mentioned them. The reasons he deleted you is not just because of what is mentioned in THIS thread but because of what was mentioned in all your threads. If you want fair advice then please tell the whole story again and ask for advice.

I can paraphrase. Age differences are not issues many times, but there are certain other aspects of your age difference... he is in the beginning of turning into a man and you are pushing into your "mid life" according to you....are you planning on dying at 56? That is not mid life. 9 years is not too much but, sometimes it is, like for 9 and 18 it does. Your SO is not showing signs of being overly mature for his age or wanting to, which there is nothing wrong with wanting to act 19 when you are 19. He did not like the stories about the two of you and it freaked him out. You sent him out dirty pictures of yourself and he did not respond. From your other threads you said you had tried dating other men in your home town but also presented any as them as ages and also always referred to this "SO" as "the 19 year old", I think you are age obsessed. Sorry, but 28 is still fairly young in life, stop dwelling on this and move on with your life.


From your several other threads on here about this boy, I am going to agree quite vehemently with Moon. You are obsessed with a college boy that does not want what you want. He enjoys dating on a much more light social manner and you are most likely freaking him out. There are a thousand other girls his age at his school and it sounds like he has again tried to cut ties from you with as little drama as possible. He does not want to marry you, or have kids with you or grown old with you. He liked fraking you and having fun with you, but the baggage you brought, in his mind, has ruined that.

This won't last. All you are doing is prolonging your pain and losing your own dignity in the meantime. Move on, it's done.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Being with someone isn't about abandoning them when their times get tough and then they suddenly pop up when things go smoother again. The people deserving to be in my life for my great times are those who ride the storm with me. If they're going to bail just because life gets rough, what's that say anyway about that person?

Everyone has their issues, so people should just abandon someone when that's when someone needs someone the most?

There is this myth that has been spread around society that when you have problems the person you find should just stick through them and support you and help you through. You need to find the strength in yourself, not your friends, not a guy, yourself to get through hard times. You are the only person you will guaranteedly have, and you are the only person who can do anything about your problems. Sometimes the best thing to do is to focus on yourself. I've had my issues, and I've asked for support at the right times. Other times I've done what I can myself. I agree that you need to focus on yourself.

You also need to learn not to say manipulative things and say what you really feel. That's the only way you'll ever get what you need. Being emotionally honest is hard. Let this guy go. I don't think this will work. I think after some time on yourself, not focusing on others that seem happy and married, but yourself you'll find someone. If you don't that person could be there, but you won't be ready for them. There are others. And maybe if you take some time to work on yourself things MIGHT work with him as he matures and grows up.

[80anthea]

I think you need to move on from this relationship AND really take time to reflect on how you treat the other person in any future relationships.You are much older than he is, yet in a lot of ways you are acting like someone much younger than you. A mature relationship should not be carried out through manipulative status updates demanding attention, if you really want a serious relationship, learn how to communicate without drama.'

I've just copy and pasted my response from last time you posted about him.....

Leave him alone, move on, learn to love yourself first.

'