Being ignored by her

[Turtl]

I live in NH while she lives in GA and I'll try to make this short. We met two years ago and in that span of two years things were pretty bumpy. She wasn't the best girlfriend nor was I the best boyfriend. We split up a few times and tried to go our separate ways but we always ended up back with each other. We recently got back together (a month and a half ago) because she came back and apologized for everything that has happened in the past and told me that she realized she only wanted to be with me. Since then things have been better than they ever were except for the past week or so.

Last week she didn't talk to me for three days because shes working on renovating a house and recently started a job, which I can understand. She then went on a trip with her church from Sunday until Friday (two days ago) and hasn't said anything since Monday. She told me she would try to talk to me but that never happened. I've tried contacting her but she hasn't read any of my messages since Wednesday. Her sister told me she'd be home Friday night but she hasn't even read my messages or said anything.

And a little background on us. I'm pretty clingy, but I've been better lately, and tend to overreact sometimes while she gets stressed out easily and has had relationship problems in the past with people trying to control her. I've told her that I really dislike it when I don't get to talk to her for long periods of time and this has happened before. When this happened before she would ignore me for a week and have to think about things and us in general. She promised me and told me again and again that that would never happen this time.

Is this a cause for concern? She has hardly been on Facebook, hasn't read my messages for a while, hasn't been on Xbox, hasn't messaged another friend, etc..?
Should I try to contact her sister, a friend, or leave it alone for now and see what happens?
Am I overreacting because of what has happened before?
Should I send a message telling her how I feel or not say anything?

I don't understand why this happens and she hasn't blocked or deleted me as far as I know. I mean, I guess I can understand not talking to me while she's at camp because she's supervising younger kids in a different state but is there really a reason to not say anything Friday night, Saturday, and today so far?

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I wouldn't say you are necessarily over reacting by being worried. From the sounds of it, you have a decent reason to be worried.

But try not to focus on it much. She may just be busy and hasn't had a chance to reply to your messages. However, I don't think you should try to contact her friend or sister. Just wait a little bit and see what happens. And if it continues much longer (several more days) then maybe you should reach out to her sister. Also, I don't suggest sending your girlfriend too many messages simply because it may annoy her when she gets online and sees tons of messages.

Keep yourself busy until then. That way it may not bother you so much and you might not think about it too much. The more you think about it the more it will worry unnecessarily. Yes, you have a reason to be concerned, but focusing on it will only make it worse and make you jump to conclusions.

[Turtl]

Thanks!

I tend to overreact and send too many messages and make things worse and also over-think and assume. It makes me feel terrible in the end because it's usually something totally different than what I think. I have problems trusting people. Normally I trust her but certain things like this remind me of how it used to be, which was well over a year ago by now. Sometimes I catch myself before I try and say something that would be really unproductive and not something good to say.

I've asked people about this before too but they all say not to contact a friend or her sister. Is there a good reason for that?

And yea, keeping busy is the hard part. I really care about her and when I don't get acknowledged or told I love you I get really upset and just assume that something is wrong...

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I think the main reason you shouldn't contact her friend or sister is because it could start a fight between you and your girlfriend later on if she finds out. It could make you look very possessive and controlling, even though that's not what you are at all. However she could see it that way if she finds out you contacted her sister to see what she was doing. See what I'm saying?

[Turtl]

Yea, that makes sense. And it's getting someone else involved when it doesn't really concern them too. That's definitely a bad idea if she had a problem with an ex that was controlling then.

[differentcountries]

I am nowear near controlling, but if SO did not contact me for days without explaination I would be furious, deeply worried or both. I have lasted as long as almost two days before calling my boyfriend, if he has not answered me. She should learn how to differenciate between people controlling her and wanting normal contact /to be told what happens.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with not getting in touch with her sister at the moment, but one thing you should probably ask yourself and think about.. Even though it's definitely her 'right' to be busy and not in touch, is that something you want and are comfortable with in a relationship? Will you be comfortable and able to make peace with that if it's how she always handles being busy?

These are just questions to think about. For me, personally, I wouldn't be happy with that. Even when I get super busy, I take at least a little time to shoot a quick message to my SO, and he does the same for me. He's a little less inclined to do it than I am by default, but he and I have talked about how it's important to me, and, as a result, he makes a solid effort to do it. Whenever he's gonna be particularly busy, we agree on what seems like a reasonable amount of contact, with the understanding that stuff may come up and we might not stick to it exactly, but if something comes up, let the other person know as soon as possible.

So, for example, if he's at a conference all day and then has networking stuff all night, we might agree that him sending a quick text or email in the evening when he gets home is a doable and not overly intrusive amount of contact. Or if one of us has a schedule that's really up in the air, we might say we'll get in touch somehow (email, text, yahoo message) at least once a day, without having to commit to when it is. If it's at night before bed, that's fine, or if there's a few minutes of break around lunchtime, maybe then, etc.

Is that something you might be able to talk to her about in the future, while leaving it open enough that it's not controlling/clingy?

[Turtl]

It's something that I'm willing to be lenient on. This doesn't happen often but it sucks when it does. This is maybe the third or fourth time at the most and it's supposed to be different this time. It's definitely something I'm going to talk to her about when she decides to message me. She usually handles it well but then there are times she gets too overwhelmed and this happens and she doesn't talk to anyone...

She lives with her parents and sister and she has no privacy because they're working on finishing their new house. She sleeps in the same room as her sister 5 feet apart. Her room is the last part of the house to finish and she's almost at that part where she can start working on and finishing her room and I know she she wants to get that done ASAP. I'm not sure if I'm trying to justify it unfairly but I still don't think not talking like this is the right thing to do.

I think it's also one of those things where when things are going well they're amazing but when they're not it really sucks. It really eats at me though

[RachelAnne]

These are just questions to think about. For me, personally, I wouldn't be happy with that. Even when I get super busy, I take at least a little time to shoot a quick message to my SO, and he does the same for me. He's a little less inclined to do it than I am by default, but he and I have talked about how it's important to me, and, as a result, he makes a solid effort to do it. Whenever he's gonna be particularly busy, we agree on what seems like a reasonable amount of contact, with the understanding that stuff may come up and we might not stick to it exactly, but if something comes up, let the other person know as soon as possible.

I agree with this. I feel like even when things get super busy or you or your SO feel overwhelmed, it isn't hard to send a quick text or a quick email or something letting the other person know what is up. I, too, am better at keeping in contact when we're busy, but my SO is slightly ADD is gets distracted very easily by his work and tends to shut everything else out. I try to be understanding but I've explained to him that I would appreciate a text here and there letting me know what's up and when is a good time to talk.

I think it's good to try and communicate your feelings again with your SO and see what she says. If she's not willing to change, though, you might want to consider if this is something you can deal with. Would you be okay going days without any contact if that's just how she is? I understand the need to be clingy. I hope the two of you can come up with a solution. PM me if you need anything

[Turtl]

Someone else I talk to who knows her messaged her but she hasn't read it as well and she hasn't said anything today so I don't know.

It's fine 90% of the time but then this will happen. Maybe it's something that I need to deal with until we finally meet. I completely get where she's coming from but she hasn't said anything yet so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I think I'm going to give it until Wednesday and then if she hasn't said anything to anyone by then... I'm not sure.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

IM just curious, because it can effect her ability to communicate, but what kind of device/devices does she have to use to talk to you?

[Turtl]

She has a phone the isn't always great, laptop, iPad, and iPod. iPod isn't worth mentioning because she never uses it and she only uses her laptop for school. She'll use her iPad sometimes but Id said 90% of the time it's her phone. We usually use Kik but also have Skype, phone, and Facebook.

We use Kik the most. Skype is very rare unless we're camming and Facebook never.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

ohh ok. I was going to say the issue may be with the device or lack of mobile device and she has been too busy to get on a computer. But if she uses her phone a lot, I'm not sure what the issue is.

Just try to stay positive and give her a few days, maybe then she will talk to you and you can express your feelings to her.

[LadyDaemon]

I'm not in anyway condoning her lack of communication, but I'd like to throw this out there. I'm only pointing it out because I know I've gotten this way myself. You said she doesn't handle stress very well. I know when I start to get overwhelmed or horribly stressed and even depressed I have a bad tendency to just stop talking to people. I kinda just shut down and try to deal on my own. It's possible that this could be how she's coping with her stress especially if she's been really busy and doing a whole lot to the point where she might be feeling overwhelmed. When I get like that myself and just quit talking to people it takes me some time to come back around to where I can handle talking to people again. It's weird to explain but it's like the combination of whatever is going and people trying to talk to me about it all at once just makes it worse on me and makes me want to further shut myself away from people. Those close to me have actually gotten to where they don't even talk to me when I'm like that and they let me come around on my own and talk when I'm ready. Again, I'm not saying it's right. But I'm just putting out there as a possibility. My husband even has watched me do it myself and he doesn't like it but he's realized it's just me and that I'll come around. So, I suggest just leaving her a message letting her know you're thinking of her and that you're there if she needs you and all she has to do is message you when she's ready and then leave it at that.

[Turtl]

Thanks a lot. I have a problem understanding it more than anything because when I'm stressed all I want to do is sit down and talk to her.
She's mentioned it before that she doesn't even talk to her best friend when it happens and given the circumstances right now it makes sense.
I thought that her little week vacation would be enough but then going back home and getting yelled at, doing work on the house, and regular
work could be pretty stressful. There's still no signs of her so maybe I'll send her a little something tonight or tomorrow.

How common would you say this is?