Am I being too unreasonable?

[digitalfever]

I don't know to me in this day and age there is no excuse especially if your living in North America to not be able to connect with your SO. It sounds like he doesn't want to talk and that he's trying to get space from you. I don't think he sounds frustrated with technology or anything because people that WANT to talk or engage in voice chat with you will take the extra time to make that happen.

Why not give him the space?

[Kapwned]

I don't know to me in this day and age there is no excuse especially if your living in North America to not be able to connect with your SO. It sounds like he doesn't want to talk and that he's trying to get space from you. I don't think he sounds frustrated with technology or anything because people that WANT to talk or engage in voice chat with you will take the extra time to make that happen.

Why not give him the space?

Because people on both ends of the relationship have wants and needs and should be equally respected in my opinion. But that doesn't mean I'm unwilling or not giving him space. It's like it's one or the other in a lot of peoples minds... I'm all about compromise. If he thinks we're talking too much on Skype then fine, we can tone it down. But it's also disrespecting my wants and needs as a person by completely cutting out all verbal communication.

[digitalfever]

Because people on both ends of the relationship have wants and needs and should be equally respected in my opinion. But that doesn't mean I'm unwilling or not giving him space. It's like it's one or the other in a lot of peoples minds... I'm all about compromise. If he thinks we're talking too much on Skype then fine, we can tone it down. But it's also disrespecting my wants and needs as a person by completely cutting out all verbal communication.

You aren't getting what you want right now and your needs are not being respected. If he's asking for space and your not giving it to him then it would seem that he's just taking it whatever way he can get it.

[Hollandia]

It's not just about "equal respect", it's about each other boundaries and deal breakers. It is possible that one of you will have to sacrifice to make the other happy. He might have to keep you happy, or you might have to do without to keep him happy. You can't just demand that he meet you in the middle, if that is his deal breaker. You need to figure out how much he really wants and see if this is acceptable to you or not, if not, you need to decide if it is your deal breaker.

[differentcountries]

I see where you are coming from, but I also see that you have not known this man very long. A way of getting to know him better might be to try out a different mode of communcation https://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Non...-Communication

You are talking about needs, but what you mean is strategy. Chat is your stragegy to fill the need of closeness. Silence/"space" is his strategy of filling his need for autonomy. Neither of you is going to get your needs met through the strategy of "meeting half way", as you will still feel too little closeness and he will still feel too little autonomy. This is because compromise is not cutting to the core which is the human NEEDS you both have. Once you TRUELY get that the other person has a human need you also have, it promotes empathy which may make the conflict less heated. Also, you don't need to find the solutions/strategies right away, it is far more imporant that you understand each other. Sometimes the practical solution even presents itself once all the emotional heat is off the needs.

My wild guess is, you don't know each other that well. How will you go about to make that happen? Talking about needs is one way of doing this, too. Because it feels very good to know that the other person really know and respect what you need (there is no obligation to fill the need, just to see the need). Everything we ever feel and do can be stripped down to needs, basic universal needs that all humans have. But to see those for what they are may take some skill, because we are so very used to focus on our strategies. Strategies are so useful, but in communication the stragegy is just a dress-up for the need.

My SO knew himself very badly when I met him, and he never expected people, especially not a girlfriend, to understand his needs. He would too sometimes be manipulative to get his way because that was the only way he knew to get out of a heated situation, like tell half-lies or just be absent (he is like that with his friends, too. I am trying to teach him how to stop lying to people and instead find nice ways to tell the truth). I find that the more I know myself, not only my favourite strategies but also the emotions and the needs behind them in me, the easier it is to do this for other people, too, including SO. I think every time I guess a need of his, there is like a stone falling of his back. I belive too this is the reason we almost never fight about things - not because we are similar or people without needs, but because we talk about needs more and more, and let our favourite strategies go if they are not so useful to fill the need. The needs are all you really need to talk about: https://www.nonviolentcommunication....ings_needs.htm

[Kapwned]

This was my original goal from the beginning - I felt it was his way of getting something he wanted, I was worried he was wanting space and was feeling the need to force it because I was wanting to maintain some of our old normalcy with calls. He never said anything about it, just claimed I was accusing him of avoiding me.

Usually my way of communicating is to be upfront and honest and inquire. But I guess I didn't do it right and I understand now it may be better to inquire on what he wants or needs. I started to feel that was perhaps what I should do I just didn't know how to put it into words.

So I planned on giving him some space to let him cool off and then later today if I could get his attention, ask if what it is that I could do (or not do) to make him happy. What does he want, need, etc. I just want to work with him. But I still feel my needs should be respected (which doesn't guarantee met). I'd like to try for a compromise but if he absolutely doesn't want to of course I can't and wouldn't try to force it.

He initiated this form of contact, he's initiated many of our calls, he uses Teamspeak daily, so I don't think he necessarily has complete aversion to doing voice chats, but maybe he felt we were doing too much or doing it at the wrong times, or maybe it was nothing and I over analyzed the whole thing. I don't know and I'd like to find out so that I can do what it takes to make him happy again.

[differentcountries]

I don't know and I'd like to find out

That is a good starting point.

[Kapwned]

I got to talk to him today. It went better than last time, I asked him what it is that he needs or wants and what I can do or not do to make things right again. I encouraged that he not hold back and be completely honest with me. That's the only way I can learn about how he feels and thinks. Otherwise it's a guessing game on my end.

He told he needed more time to think things through. But at the very least he seems to have been more talkative since the talk. I sense less tension between us. He even told me good bye when he was leaving to go to sleep which he hadn't been doing.

My only concern at this point is respecting his space while still trying to resolve our issues. He told me at this point it seems like all we do is argue and we don't do much together anymore. I have to remember that he has AS and his way of interpreting things can be in black and white and even the slightest disagreement can be perceived as a fight to him while it's just a minor disagreement to me. I have some conditions which have made me a little emotional and moody at times and I have promised to correct that by getting back on my medication (I was only off of it because of the cost to switch doctors with no insurance). I feel once that is done I will see a big difference in myself. And I wonder if perhaps the tension I caused with my moodiness affected his desire to do stuff with me online.

That or he's long made up his mind about me and he's searching for excuses to negate my efforts to fix our issues, but I do not want to assume and analyze him. I trust if he felt a need to do something such as end a relationship he'd just do it.

My method at this point is simply to ask him questions about what he'd like to do, or what he needs, or how he feels. It seemed to work.

[whatruckus]

What do you mean when he said that he needs "more time to think things through"? That he needs to figure how you can make things right, or to figure out what's going on with him?

[Kapwned]

What do you mean when he said that he needs "more time to think things through"? That he needs to figure how you can make things right, or to figure out what's going on with him?

I'm not entirely sure, maybe both.

[Polly]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. The fact that you're trying to see things from his side, and that you're trying to make the long distance work for both of you are all positives.

When I have felt that I need more regular communication from my boyfriend, I usually tell him it's because I love him and enjoy our time together, whether it's us video chatting or playing games together online. If there is a day or few where one of us is too busy, then we send a few messages to communicate.

There have been times where my boyfriend was frustrated with me, because I was overly emotional and depressed, but then he said that he has to keep in mind that long distance is hard, so he can't expect me to be always dealing with it well all the time.

I think if he really wants to be with you, he will do what he can.

[differentcountries]

I have to remember that he has AS

Have you gotten any help with understanding this condition and his version of it? My brother was diagnosed with AS a couple of years ago and as a family we still try to adjust to that (and he tries to. My husband convinced him to take a self-help class for AS people and I think it helped).

My impression with AS is that they tend to be "factual" and focused on small details, as well as suffer from a slight version of alexitymi - being bad at recognizing one's own feelings. My brother will often claim he has no feelings about a subject, which of course is not the case, as well as he often think other people's emotions are a bit weird and exessive, especially if they are ambivalent (like most people are about many things). Since AS people live their lives through facts they also learn about emotions and communication through facts, they will "study" other people and look for patterns and sometimes they can learn from one another. Some get pretty good that way, in my country one of our most famous poets have AS, she is known for being strange but brilliant. There should be lots of online reseurces on AS these days, and maybe something local too, through an NGO or hospital (at least in my country it is mandatory that people who get a diagnosis also get acess to free training in how to cope with the diagnosis.).

[Kapwned]

I have some experience with people with AS, my nephew whom has lived with me his entire life has it. But I did research on partners with AS, conflict resolution with AS, break ups with AS, etc. Anything I could possibly think of. I've even posted about this on the AS forum that I frequent when wanting to find help or info on my nephew (and sometimes my boyfriend). The resources have made it feel like a delicate process.

They say to not get emotional which is standard.
But use emotion when trying to reason with him as emotions are harder to argue with and people with AS are more prone to arguing. And this I find difficult as I don't know how to use emotions as a means of stating my case since I only know my emotions and I don't want all of the focus to be on me and my needs.
And do not use logic as this is much easier to argue with and people with AS will almost always find something or some loophole to focus in one to debate or argue what's been said.

I also learned some things which make a lot of sense. They tend to see things in black and white and rarely grey. So if something isn't good it's horrible, or if it's good it's great. And this explains his very extreme emotions with me. He has always treated me like he was confident we were in a relationship that would lead to a future and marriage. But then after Friday night, which to my NT perspective was just a bump, was potentially relationship killing. He does indeed tend to view things in black and white. I also learned for some guys with AS, romantic relationships can be almost 'bipolar' in a sense. You could be the love of their life one minute, but the second you do something wrong they can flip that switch and go to an extreme and feel a break up is necessary and walk away without a care. I don't think this necessarily reflects him per se. I always paid mind to that... since he has AS and was absolutely sure he wanted to break up with me I'm sure he'd have done it by now. People with AS may not have the grasp on why break ups are so difficult to do since NT people have much more empathy and emotional grasp on issues.

I've also read they may often have no problem avoiding their SO or ex after a conflict has occurred. Won't answer calls, texts, IMs, emails, etc. Just completely shut them out and he obviously hasn't done that.

Either way I went to the AS forum I frequent for my nephew and sometimes him. Needless to say some of them did not provide very sensitive feedback since they lean more toward the flight option as opposed to fight. A lot of the feedback I've gotten on my post on the forum have been like 'Why are you even bothering?'

But since that is not always the case with people with AS, and I'm sure many of them appreciate NT partners wanting to learn, some were insightful on how he was probably feeling.

I often need time to "process it all" or "sort it out," as I like to say. I wish someone would have considered that in past situations where there was some sort of difficulty involving me. If his brain works like mine, then he'll need time to "sort it out."

You have to take him at his word there...and just remain in a holding pattern. As others have posted, let him process this on his own time. If you force the matter, you'll likely kill the relationship. Something that has happened to me more times than I really want to admit when it comes to relationships with NT women.

It almost sounds though like you may have stated what I call a "dealbreaker". Something that profoundly left him questioning the foundation of the relationship. Something not of a trivial nature at least to him. Sure you want to know...but pushing the matter right now could be a disaster for you. Be patient.

This makes sense since I also read that people with AS won't make decisions unless they have weighed all pros and cons carefully and once their mind is made up it's made up and that is why being dumped by someone with AS can feel like it's come out of no where and their emotions just switch off like a light. They weigh the pros and cons, and if at any point the cons outweigh the pros they see no point in continuing, and with that in mind they let go of their attachment and affection as it is seen as a waste of time and initiate the break up and walk away.

So I think for now I should simply do what I can to show him I am making effort by informing him of the process, show him we can actually go without arguments by talking to him and not arguing, maybe even try to be a bit more pleasant and supportive, amd somehow prove to him that getting back on all of my medication will balance out my issues. But of course I still want to respect his space and not press the overall issue.

[Miasmata]

You are going about this very well, Kapwned, and as someone with AS myself I find it very admirable that you are doing your best to educate yourself. I know we aren't always the easiest people to get along with, but as long as it's worth it to you, it counts If I can ever chime in (Both me and my partner have AS), feel free to shoot me a message.

[Kapwned]

I've been doing as suggested... giving him his space. I just hope we don't fall into this loop of not talking about it. Other than that, he's been talking to me every day. He's even initiated some of the talking and called me sweetheart last night. Though it wasn't quite affectionate, just casual chat.

I don't know if I should keep on waiting or if at some point I should just bring it up again. I'm hoping that if he hasn't broken up with me yet that it means he's not necessarily made up his mind and wants to break up with me. He's so hard to read and I don't want to try to read him, I should be asking, but at the same time I don't want to push him.

I've been trying to keep busy, but I always find my mind wandering to it. Everyone who's replied here has been a big help and support. I wish I had come here sooner in my relationship. Hopefully my stay here is not short lived.