SO's best friend

[merlinkitty]

I agree with Honour. Don't blame yourself for not being able to reach him. He has to be willing too. Coming back to the States isn't the fix-all either. If you can't communicate substantially from a distance, closing it (even temporarily) will make it even easier to say a whole lot of nothing to each other of any significance. Support him, but don't take responsibility for his emotional state.

While, I completely agree with Hollandia that you might need to take a step back there, the SO's friend is also showing you something about yourself; you enjoy and crave stimulating conversation. He's also showing you something that's missing in your relationship with your SO. Just because your SO gets upset when you try express your feelings doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid or are imposing on him. It sounded a little in your comments that your discussing emotions with him is an inconvenience to him of some sort? That's not right, if that's the case. It sounds to me like he's having trouble dealing with strong emotions a bit? I'm not sure. But, either case, it's something you might bring up to him that you'd like to work on.

[uk2usa]

To be honest, before I went over there we were having problems with communication but it seems to have got worse. When I was there, though, everything was brilliant. Not so much a honeymoon period, but we could be ourselves, and I realised he was the person I wanted to spend my life with. That's why I hate these complexities; I care for him implicitly, I can't stress that enough.

[merlinkitty]

I'm certain you do. Which is why he needs to work with you and not against you on the communication issues. Guys sometimes don't see the need for it, but they're vital, especially for an LDR. It's really all you have.

[always2far]

I find it better to mail my SO when we have serious issues in our relationship. It gives me time to tell everything i want and i wont be distracted by his response. Also he gets to think things through before he answers....

[differentcountries]

Is there any way to improve your conversation? Perhaps skype once in a while?

If you get along with one of SOs best friends, that is great. You can neve have too much friends. I am starting to get to know one of SOs friends myself and we also connect amazingly. Typically when I visit SO he works a lot so there is not much time and energy to have the deepest conversations. We have had in the past though, so I see it more as a circumstance than a lack in our communication.

Really talk things over with our SO how you feel and make suggestions that are practical. For instance: "When I talk to you I feel sad and upset because I crave a deep connection with you. Would you be willing to have longer phone talks with me twice a week for a trial period of a month, and see how we both feel about that?"

[uk2usa]

Thanks for the replies, everyone, I do appreciate it.

I tried to breach the issue to him again last night, and he just sighed, replying in an exasperated tone: "Not this again!"
"Yes, C," I replied, "Because it hurts me. I understand you're busy and stressed with things, baby, and I get that. It's okay. But you know I'm always here to help you out with things, and so is E." (Changing names for privacy reasons)
"Okay." Then, after a long pause: "Sorry."
We called again late at night (our phone conversations last about twenty minutes, usually, but our last one is a few hours as we fall asleep together.) "I'm so stupid, I'm no good at my homework or college, basically failing everything."
"No you're not, you're making really good progress, and things won't improve drastically over night! Keep at it, you know we're here to help."
He continued to complain, and I grew a bit exasperated with my tone but I don't know if he realised. We have this same conversation every night, and I always try to keep him in good spirits. He muted the phonecall for a bit to play xbox, so I carried on my conversation with E. C turned off his xbox and wanted to have phone sex. I declined, so he ended the call again to have a release. He called me back after falling asleep, this was around 3:30am my time and he told me to go to bed as I wouldn't get any sleep. I told him I was going to soon, just finishing my conversation with E.
I told him that E and I had great conversations, but he wasn't interested.

Anyway, I tried to make bright conversation this morning, telling C that I adored him and that I was on my break, but would message at lunch time. He read it and ignored me, then sent me a news article but the link didn't work. I told him that, and he just ignored me and my attempts to make conversation. It hurt..
E, however, made great conversation for half an hour this morning and confessed a personal issue to me, something I can relate to as I've experienced it myself. Something he hasn't confided in anybody else, either.

I'm so conflicted

Editing to say - he won't skype/facetime. He promises to, then doesn't. But that's kinda like me telling him I'll get on the xbox and game. If I get on, it's usually way too late in the end and I can't be bothered. If I force myself and make the effort, he won't really play any games with me and if he does, it either goes really well and we have fun. But that's not always a certainty

[differentcountries]

I am not sure what is going on, but is seems you are trying to encourage your bf by being bringt and shiny all the time even when he is gloomy, and making hints when you want something as opposed to him telling you straight when he is upset etc. He uses parts of the conversation to complain, you try to sugar his pill but it still tastes bitter to him. You are not really engaging in each other. I don't know where the trouble lies... But I notice that you interpret him not responding as "ignoring you", even after just a short time, you are upset his link doesn't work and want to get the right one right away and so on....Basically you want a running conversation during his schoolday, even if he has told you he worries that he will fail school because it is hard for him to focus.

To cut a long story short; I think you are misreading him. You think you are there for him, but you are not really there with his sadness over his situation. You respond with facts (you have improved) and encouragement (it will be better), while he wants to convey how bad it hurts and how inadeqate he feels. Have you ever tried saying something like; "That sounds like a tough spot to be in. When I have to do things I am not good at, that is really uncomfortable for me, perhaps you have felt like that too." I am telling you because my bf is not very good at school and we have struggled with that. I found that me being sunny was often wasted on him, while being (mildly) dark together with him would rather make him feel seen. It also worked better as a type of reverse encouragement, because now he has just finished school to get his degree.

[uk2usa]

thank you for your advice, i will try that! i'm just a bit frustrated, because he used to make an effort to talk to me in the mornings, even if it was just for 15 minutes while he rode the school bus. now he just doesn't message. i think i'll have a serious talk with him tonight when he comes home, i think i may be misreading him somewhat. i would be so happy with just ten minutes in the morning on the way, and then maybe do something of an evening. but not the inconsistent messaging, or short blunt replies, or being hung up on because i won't be intimate with him. that's the only time he really snaps out of his mood, at the moment

[ronjaandbirk]

^ I kind of got the same vibes as different countries, although I think he really has to do his part to connect to. However is made me think of this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

maybe it helps.

[merlinkitty]

I've been thinking about this and I can't seem to reconcile the idea that every time you try to approach a serious topic with him lately he shuts down on you. What differentcountries says has some merit, but I'd also like to take this a step further with you.

It's not your responsibility to maintain this guy's emotional wellbeing. This is not your responsibility. You can be the sunshine-iest person on the face of the planet. You're still not responsible for his moods. They're his moods. He's responsible.

I hate to say this to you cause I know you really care for him, but he's exhibiting the emotional maturity of a 9 year old. He basically did the equivalent of slamming the door in your face by hanging up on you. Understand that this is not your responsibility either. You did right to turn him down. I would have done the same.

When you mentioned this started after you got back, and then the fact you got irritated at him when he called later and told him you were still talking to the best friend, I started wondering if he really is annoyed about it. He's shown you that he can't handle talking about things that require him to express emotions he's uncomfortable with. Do you trust him to tell you if he actually had a problem with your talking to his friend?

Without your SO's cooperation I don't see how this gets resolved between you and him. You can keep trying to encourage him into opening up with you. But if he never does, sometime you're going to have to admit that this is going no where.

I think you're super sweet, you're intelligent, well spoken, and introspective. Do yourself the favor of realizing, whatever is going on with him, especially if he never opens up, is not your responsibility. There are pieces of you that remind me of myself when I was younger and I just don't want to see you shouldering all the effort in this relationship. There are people out there who can appreciate and take care of your sweetness. Be there for him, but don't let him drag you down with him. He bears responsibility in all of this as well.

[differentcountries]

Of course everyone bears responsability for themselves, however I have experienced a million times how what one person does, changes the whole relationship. If you are able to do that for yourself and someone you love, it would be weird not to do it - kind of like eating and letting your SO starve. If I have mental space, I will share it. I will also hope he shares with me. Right now, I am more in need of comfort than he is. When I feel down, he uses all the tricks on me that I have used on him, which makes me double happy - first for feeling seen and second for knowing that I tought him something useful .

[merlinkitty]

If I have mental space, I will share it. I will also hope he shares with me. Right now, I am more in need of comfort than he is. When I feel down, he uses all the tricks on me that I have used on him, which makes me double happy - first for feeling seen and second for knowing that I tought him something useful .

Me and my guy have a similar dynamic I really do appreciate the mutual support

[uk2usa]

thanks for the replies guys, i really appreciate it.

i ended up talking to my SO last night - well, rather this morning at 3am - and i completely lost it with him. i broke down, kind of, in frustration and explained how i felt, making him listen. we kinda sorted things, but haven't spoke a lot today. he's made the effort to message a little though, so i'm happy. his/my bff are talking more and more, i don't know what i would have done without him these past few days

[Petals]

thanks for the replies guys, i really appreciate it.

i ended up talking to my SO last night - well, rather this morning at 3am - and i completely lost it with him. i broke down, kind of, in frustration and explained how i felt, making him listen. we kinda sorted things, but haven't spoke a lot today. he's made the effort to message a little though, so i'm happy. his/my bff are talking more and more, i don't know what i would have done without him these past few days

Cut the cord with your SO's bff. It is an unhealthy attachment and you need to find other things to occupy your time. Get a hobby, exercise, take a class- whatever, but it sounds like you are (or on the verge of) embarking on an emotional affair.

[uk2usa]

Cut the cord with your SO's bff. It is an unhealthy attachment and you need to find other things to occupy your time. Get a hobby, exercise, take a class- whatever, but it sounds like you are (or on the verge of) embarking on an emotional affair.

I'm trying to busy myself with work (new job), reading and going for walks. But he's the only one who is consistently there for me, out of all my family and friends. :/