SO's best friend

[Hollandia]

Would you ditch him on your B-day? If you did, and he called you on it? Would it upset you? His B-day is no excuse to ignore you, it's just a huge red flag in your face. If you don't react you are inviting him to push you away at will and making it okay. If it was my SO, I would call and confront him. My SO forgot my B-day one year and it hurt but it was an honest one time mistake. I confronted him immediately and he was very apologetic and it never happened again.

I would call him, and if he ignores you, he made his choice, his B-day is more important than you. Would yours be more important to you than him? Mine was not, it hurt, but we dealt with it, moved past it and got stronger. That's what couples do. You should be a team. Partners. Is this how you what your future to be? Take control of your future.

[uk2usa]

You can call him. You can tell him you want to be part of his special day (if he is celebrating, that is). Did you make any plans forhand?

He wanted me to send "pictures" but I'm not in the mood, my heads killing and I feel like crying.

He's spoke a little, but is distant. He also hadn't liked my post on his wall for his birthday, but has liked nearly everyone else's

I'm trying to recall my birthday. I did absolutely nothing, no gifts from anyone. I think we played GTA together ... My birthday is in the summer, so that was quite a while ago

[differentcountries]

He wanted me to send "pictures" but I'm not in the mood, my heads killing and I feel like crying.

He's spoke a little, but is distant. He also hadn't liked my post on his wall for his birthday, but has liked nearly everyone else's

I'm trying to recall my birthday. I did absolutely nothing, no gifts from anyone. I think we played GTA together ... My birthday is in the summer, so that was quite a while ago

Ah, this is your complaint, that he is into sexy flirting but that is it? Well, if you should oblige him on any day, then perhaps on his birthday. Or perhaps you should have a real talk with him about your obviously very different way of relating.
If he liked nearly every one elses posts, he probably just forgot yours. Anyway that should not be important, and probably wouldn' be if everything was ok between you.
Why didn't you do anything for your own birthday? That sounds horrible, but perhaps you set the tone if you don't invite anyone or make something special.

[R&R]

Ah, this is your complaint, that he is into sexy flirting but that is it? Well, if you should oblige him on any day, then perhaps on his birthday. Or perhaps you should have a real talk with him about your obviously very different way of relating.
If he liked nearly every one elses posts, he probably just forgot yours. Anyway that should not be important, and probably wouldn' be if everything was ok between you.
Why didn't you do anything for your own birthday? That sounds horrible, but perhaps you set the tone if you don't invite anyone or make something special.

Seriously? Oblige him because it's his birthday when he has been treating her like less than nothing? Oh hell no. IMO, that shows exactly what he thinks of her and the relationship. The sooner she gets rid of him the better. Eventually she will find someone who loves her, appreciates her, communicates with her, shows her she's important and she can have a real relationship.

[Hollandia]

He treats her like yesterday's news, and his B-day does not excuse that. He is in college and she is his (17 yr old) GF still in high school, he wants to play and have her sitting at home and waiting at his beck and call. You don't blow off your SO on your B-day until end of day and want her to send you some pics as a virtual booty call at end of night. She does not need to oblige him anything unless she wants a label of doormat.

[merlinkitty]

Yeah I third on R&R and Hollandia with the no pictures. He's been treating her like an afterthought, only when he wants free porn. Eff that.

This kind of objectifying he's doing to her and making her feel like garbage is disgusting. I have very strong opinions on the picture thing and if he's treated her so poorly that she feels like crying, submitting herself to the demeaning process of picture taking for the prick that's treating her like an inconvenience is the least reasonable thing she could do.

[differentcountries]

While it may not be the regular 17 year old's dream, in fact what I love about guys is their ability to say, even when the rest of the communication is shit, well how about the sex? Or, of course it could just be the guys I am dating. Even when I don't feel like sending any, a suggestion of a sex pic is a compliment on my body, which is not opposed to me, but a part of me.

OP; you need to get some more close friends and to raise your voice a little more once you find out how you feel about things. If you need a different type of boyfriend, get one. If you want presents on your birthday, invite to a party. Get out, get to know more people, new experiences. Don't let two people and video games be your whole world.

[R&R]

While it may not be the regular 17 year old's dream, in fact what I love about guys is their ability to say, even when the rest of the communication is shit, well how about the sex? Or, of course it could just be the guys I am dating. Even when I don't feel like sending any, a suggestion of a sex pic is a compliment on my body, which is not opposed to me, but a part of me.

There is a difference between lack of communication and how the OP's SO has been treating her. He can spend time with friends, reply to friends, live his life but totally ignores her until he wants a "sexy pic".........I'd tell him "f**k you the horse you rode in on". You don't treat someone you are supposed to love so disrespectfully and think sex or something sex related can make it all better. That's like putting a band-aid on a broken leg and saying that will heal it.

[merlinkitty]

Get out, get to know more people, new experiences. Don't let two people and video games be your whole world.

I do agree with this.

Where I differ with you on the pictures thing is this. First off, the OP is considered a minor by US law. I would never advise her to send him pictures under any circumstance because what she's sending is legally child pornography. Yikes. There are some legal precedents in this country that could get the recipient in some serious trouble and have him labeled as a pedophile here for the rest of his life.

But even as an adult, my own experience in this taught me a sense of self worth and self respect. There are literally tens of thousands of pictures of me floating around that I took for a man who couldn't be bothered with me, much like the OP's, unless he wanted something sexual from me. He would leave me to go on vacations he knew I couldn't afford, probably screwing whatever he could get his hands on, and still demanding pictures. Like the proper abused gf, I sent them, thinking it would raise my worth in his eyes. It didn't and when we broke up I found some of those pictures saved on a hard drive in the same folders as the pictures of countless other women. There were so many I had trouble identifying my own out of the masses. Some were taken the day after my own birthday. I understood my value to him then.

I love taking pictures for my SO. It is a great compliment to me that he finds these enjoyable and says they're his "go to" photographs. But they should always be consensual and give the sender pleasure. The reason I advised her against pictures is she's not receiving pleasure from this exchange. The fact that she's 17 bothers me hugely. Hopefully that explains my stance a bit better?

[ronjaandbirk]

While it may not be the regular 17 year old's dream, in fact what I love about guys is their ability to say, even when the rest of the communication is shit, well how about the sex? Or, of course it could just be the guys I am dating. Even r whole worldwhen I don't feel like sending any, a suggestion of a sex pic is a compliment on my body, which is not opposed to me, but a part of me.

must be the guiys you are dating. honestly. i know many guys who openly admit that they will take whatever they can get and that they get off to pretty much anything. especially when they are still a bit younger. I wouldnt see it as a compliment automatically. For me what was the actualy compliment was when my boyfriend said he starts to be into alot of feelings related to sexual things since hes with me, and thats what appeals him. Obviously he likes my body but he pretty much likes any female body.

It really goes both ways when it comes to sending anything sexy. Yes, I think sometimes I think us girls have to take a deep breath and be okay well he wants that now even if I'm not feeling it because when you love someone you try to fulfill peoples needs in that departmant too. but also many of us need to feel a good connection to feel comfortable revealing ourselves, and the partner has to in return try to fulfill that need.

OPs boyfriend clearly doesnt take on any respnsibility in trying to fulfill her needs so she really really really shouldnt do anything she is not 100% comfortable with at this point.
I agree with anyone else so far, or at least set him an ultimatum that he has to try to change things.

It really seems like you are unhappy in this relationship OP, and you dont deserve that. go out and spend some of the money you may have saved for flights on a pamper day and dont let that ungrateful idiot rule over your day I hope it gets better soon! x

[Hollandia]

While it may not be the regular 17 year old's dream, in fact what I love about guys is their ability to say, even when the rest of the communication is shit, well how about the sex? Or, of course it could just be the guys I am dating. Even when I don't feel like sending any, a suggestion of a sex pic is a compliment on my body, which is not opposed to me, but a part of me.

OP; you need to get some more close friends and to raise your voice a little more once you find out how you feel about things. If you need a different type of boyfriend, get one. If you want presents on your birthday, invite to a party. Get out, get to know more people, new experiences. Don't let two people and video games be your whole world.

He is lucky she is not in USA, since 17 she is a minor in most states and he is in college so most likely well over 18 and an adult. He is borderline pushing on child pornography for his requests and as a mother of a formerly 17 year old daughter, I would have some police officer friends of mine come checking on his laptop activity and asking him for a visit to the station. It is not a compliment in the slightest bit, most pedophiles are quite good at communicating how they feel about sex too, so? Should kids feel complimented too? He is not acting like a beloved SO, he is acting like a sexual predator and you are encouraging her to do as he wishes.

[Miasmata]

I do agree with this.

Where I differ with you on the pictures thing is this. First off, the OP is considered a minor by US law. I would never advise her to send him pictures under any circumstance because what she's sending is legally child pornography. Yikes. There are some legal precedents in this country that could get the recipient in some serious trouble and have him labeled as a pedophile here for the rest of his life.

But even as an adult, my own experience in this taught me a sense of self worth and self respect. There are literally tens of thousands of pictures of me floating around that I took for a man who couldn't be bothered with me, much like the OP's, unless he wanted something sexual from me. He would leave me to go on vacations he knew I couldn't afford, probably screwing whatever he could get his hands on, and still demanding pictures. Like the proper abused gf, I sent them, thinking it would raise my worth in his eyes. It didn't and when we broke up I found some of those pictures saved on a hard drive in the same folders as the pictures of countless other women. There were so many I had trouble identifying my own out of the masses. Some were taken the day after my own birthday. I understood my value to him then.

I love taking pictures for my SO. It is a great compliment to me that he finds these enjoyable and says they're his "go to" photographs. But they should always be consensual and give the sender pleasure. The reason I advised her against pictures is she's not receiving pleasure from this exchange. The fact that she's 17 bothers me hugely. Hopefully that explains my stance a bit better?

This is an excellent post and I think it deserves quoting.

[whatruckus]

I do agree with this.

Where I differ with you on the pictures thing is this. First off, the OP is considered a minor by US law. I would never advise her to send him pictures under any circumstance because what she's sending is legally child pornography. Yikes. There are some legal precedents in this country that could get the recipient in some serious trouble and have him labeled as a pedophile here for the rest of his life.

But even as an adult, my own experience in this taught me a sense of self worth and self respect. There are literally tens of thousands of pictures of me floating around that I took for a man who couldn't be bothered with me, much like the OP's, unless he wanted something sexual from me. He would leave me to go on vacations he knew I couldn't afford, probably screwing whatever he could get his hands on, and still demanding pictures. Like the proper abused gf, I sent them, thinking it would raise my worth in his eyes. It didn't and when we broke up I found some of those pictures saved on a hard drive in the same folders as the pictures of countless other women. There were so many I had trouble identifying my own out of the masses. Some were taken the day after my own birthday. I understood my value to him then.

I love taking pictures for my SO. It is a great compliment to me that he finds these enjoyable and says they're his "go to" photographs. But they should always be consensual and give the sender pleasure. The reason I advised her against pictures is she's not receiving pleasure from this exchange. The fact that she's 17 bothers me hugely. Hopefully that explains my stance a bit better?

See, this is why I never took like any for my ex. I never felt like he deserved them. Plus, he was always taking pictures of himself and sending them other girls and he would get pics from other girls too and save them on his phone. With my SO, I do it all the time. Even when he doesn't ask for them (which, he hasn't in a really long time). But, still.

[uk2usa]

update.

i ended up breaking up with my SO on sunday. things improved, slightly, but not enough. on the saturday, the BFF admitted he had fallen well and truly in love with me. i did the honourable thing by breaking up with my SO, and now my head is all over the place. i do have feelings for his BFF, i have realised this now. but i am broken without my SO. we had a talk on the phone, and he admitted FINALLY, why he pushed me away. because he couldn't deal with me going, and coming back, and going again. doubting the relationship, and himself. i was in tears about it. he rang me at 4am extremely wild and passionate, almost got me going. but my mind led to the BFF and i stopped it.
i'm a huge wreck right now. i have a ton of other things going on IRL.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what path to take.
i hate change, but this is all my fault so i only have myself to blame.
i can't pretend that the BFF doesn't make me happy, because he does, inexplicably so; on a deep, personal, emotional level. with my SO, it was based on emotion, solid emotion.
i'm a wreck.
what do i do. :'(

[p_b82]

I think you have done the right thing under the circumstances, I think you should take a bit of stock and take some time to yourself to get your head settled.

If the BFF is in love with you as much as he says he is, then once you have got your head sorted out then you can consider going out with him, or exploring those options.

My recent ex and I were good friends for 3 years, and she saw me go through my breakup with my previous ex, she told me that summer that she had feelings for me, and I told her that not to wait for me, but now was not a good time. 18months later we got together for a rather shortlived romance as it turns out.

Be good to yourself, give yourself the time you need to heal to get over the failure of the relationship, and when your emotions are settled, take stock and decide where to go in life - sometimes it is worth keeping good friends as just that, sometimes it is worth the risk trying for more......

I do think though that the advice others gave of expanding your horizons might be worth investigating too, you are young and a transatlantic LDR is not the easiest of things to handle at the best of times...

Either way, hope you feel better soon, and your emotions settle and you can do what is right for you.