SO's best friend

[uk2usa]

I haven't really talked to my SO properly. Our communication is never great by messages on Facebook... We do call a little each night. I wish I was there as things would be so much better.

Anyway, his best friend and I have started talking a lot more, although we have been friends since around October. We have deep, intellectual discussions and it's amazing, we really connect. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend more but he is stressed with college and things.
So I've become best friends with my SO's best friend, if that makes sense, and I care a lot for him. I don't want to lose my SO but he doesn't speak much, I'm trying to be understanding but when I bring it up he gets mad. I know he's stressed and I've tried to help as much as I can, but I hate feeling like this...
Are there any other threads similar to this, if so: can someone point me in the right direction?... so confused and stressed

[always2far]

Maybe ur SO is going through a tough phase. Just stand by him and remember why you loved him in the first place. Things always seem bad before they become better...have faith!!
As for the bestfriend...talk to him if it makes you feel better. It is okay...atleast that is how i see it

[uk2usa]

He is, but I am too. He basically gives me one word responses or short sentences. I'll stick by him, losing him isn't an option as he means so much to me..
But is it normal to talk to their best friend more than your SO? :/

[sweetshay]

Do you have feelings for the best friend? It certainly sounds like it. This just sounds like a slippery slope to a messy situation. If you have feelings for his best friend that's not really okay unless you can be honest with your SO about it and not go behind his back which will stress him even more. If you don't think you have feelings now, then those intellectual conversations can lead to deeper feelings and I kind of feel like there may be boundaries that will be overstepped in the future if they aren't already being crossed. Men probably don't want to hear that their gf is more interested in another man, let alone his best friend. It's not his best friends job to pick up his slack. Not that you can't talk, but the relationship between you and his best friend may deteriorate the relationship between you and your SO faster. Not to mention it might cause tension between him and his best friend if he feels some type of way about it.

When you speak on the phone, tell your SO that you don't feel fulfilled in the relationship.. see where his head is at. Does it seem like he cares that you don't think you get enough attention? or that you speak to his best friend more? If he really can't be bothered with simply listening to you then maybe you need to think about where you want the relationship to go moving forward because we all have needs and it's not fair to be the one who is constantly unhappy. So talk to him for sure, but you can also try to be patient with your SO and be supportive with his education and other life stresses. Maybe if he sees that you care he'll try to make more of an effort.

Something interesting that I heard someone in college say: There's a balance between 3 things: good grades, social life, and sleep. The person said that they sacrificed sleep for a social life and good grades. I agree with this but I sacrificed social life and sleep for good grades. Some people can do all three and be fine, and others just bad at juggling either. Maybe this applies to your SO.

[merlinkitty]

I kind of sort of responded to this on the other thread you posted, but I don't think what I said really applies. Would you feel comfortable giving us a little more information to go on? Like what is it you like talking to the SO's bff about? What makes it different? When you said in the other thread you spoke to the SO's friend more my eyebrows kind of popped, and I trust you that's it's not inappropriate conversation and stuff. I guess I was just a little surprised maybe that the SO isn't being more talkative with you. I guess I'm just trying to see things a bit from your eyes, is the SO just not inclined to discuss this stuff in general, does his head not click that way? Or is it really just primarily stress and school that makes him respond like he does do you think?

[merlinkitty]

If you don't think you have feelings now, then those intellectual conversations can lead to deeper feelings and I kind of feel like there may be boundaries that will be overstepped in the future if they aren't already being crossed.

This ^^ when you said "intellectual conversations" it made me think 90% of the conversations I have with my SO fall under this category. It's the reason I was first attracted to him.

[Hollandia]

How would you feel if this SO's BFF met the love of their life and started only having these convos with them? Would you be jealous? If you would, you know you have stepped over an emotional line. I somewhat feel the fact you bring it up here, your thinking it, and so you might have answered your own question. If it feels wrong, it usually is.

[uk2usa]

I don't know if I have feelings. He's in my dreams a lot, and we frequently discuss dreams and their signifiers, general philosophies.

When I bring up how I feel to my SO, he immediately gets p**** or upset, saying he's useless. To which I say he's not; I just miss him incredibly and miss talking. He has admitted he is distancing himself from everything/everyone and doesn't know why. I wish I hadn't left America- everything's gone downhill because of that

My SO spends his free time catching up on work or gaming. He is lovely and sweet, and we have fun when we do talk. I do feel neglected though. My SO's BFF told me not to be clingy, in a polite way. so I've stopped expecting morning messages and afternoon ones, and just settle for night time. I offer him help regularly with his work and remind him I'm there if he needs me.

His BFF and I have just connected so well, and he genuinely has my SO's best interests at heart. But I do find myself spending my day waiting for him to come home so we can have another long talk, and I also spend that time hoping my SO will be in a better mood to talk more. I try desperately to cheer him up and make him happy, but I feel like I'm failing him. When I tell him that, he gets p**** and says I'm making him mad for saying that. This happened last night and he hung up on me. His parents got mad later on at him, so he was moody on the phone again. I tried to console him. We lost connection on the call, but I rang him around 4am my time (10pm there), he was sleepy and apologetic, having calmed down a lot.

[uk2usa]

How would you feel if this SO's BFF met the love of their life and started only having these convos with them? Would you be jealous? If you would, you know you have stepped over an emotional line. I somewhat feel the fact you bring it up here, your thinking it, and so you might have answered your own question. If it feels wrong, it usually is.

Sorry for double posting, I'm on my phone. It would bother me, I think. I don't know why he's getting to me so much, and why I care about how he feels. It's wrong of me to feel this way

[Hollandia]

Would you want your SO having this with another? If you would not, then you owe it to be fair. Only you know how you feel, but I think you know.

[uk2usa]

I would not. I love him and care for him so much. I keep reaching out and he pushes me away I can't imagine my life without him

[Hollandia]

I would not. I love him and care for him so much. I keep reaching out and he pushes me away I can't imagine my life without him

Have you told him how you feel?

[uk2usa]

Have you told him how you feel?

Yeah, to be honest I think the only way things will improve is if I get my butt back there ASAP. I'm saving like crazy, and just want to be in his arms again. But this whole thing is so damn hard. Maybe I am expecting too much of him? Maybe it's my fault.

[Hollandia]

Yeah, to be honest I think the only way things will improve is if I get my butt back there ASAP. I'm saving like crazy, and just want to be in his arms again. But this whole thing is so damn hard. Maybe I am expecting too much of him? Maybe it's my fault.

Don't look for solace with another to fill the void or you will just make the void wider.

[Honour]

Yeah, to be honest I think the only way things will improve is if I get my butt back there ASAP. I'm saving like crazy, and just want to be in his arms again. But this whole thing is so damn hard. Maybe I am expecting too much of him? Maybe it's my fault.

I would say he's having a seriously hard time dealing with the situation, but pushing you away isn't the way to solve matters, it will only make them worse. And you may find that, whilst you want to get back there as soon as possible to attempt to solve the problem, it might only make things worse. I don't see it as your fault; rather, it's a sad reaction from a guy in love with his girl. I would give him a bit longer, see if he comes clean, if not ask him what is bothering him again.